by Lucy Diamond
‘Oh fuck,’ Nell said. ‘Oh God, what a nightmare.’ She sipped her coffee, her eyes on Josie. ‘But this might just be a blip, right?’ she said after a moment. ‘I mean, this whole thing just shrieks of mid-life crisis. Totally. Give him a few days and he’ll be back, begging you to forgive him.’
Josie glanced up again at the wedding photo, then snatched her gaze away as if it hurt her eyes. ‘I keep telling myself that,’ she said quietly. ‘And everyone else keeps telling me it too. But I don’t know if I’m just … you know, in denial. Because maybe he really has gone. When I spoke to him the other day he was pretty definite about it. So …’ She shrugged. ‘So maybe I’m just kidding myself. Maybe this is it, end of. Maybe we’ll be getting divorced.’
‘Don’t go there,’ Nell interrupted. ‘Don’t think about that at the moment. Just bunker down and get through this. We can look after each other.’ She gave a wry smile. ‘It’ll be just like when I split up with Dave and you split up with Nick, remember? All that crying and chocolate in front of Pretty Woman, and then jetting off to Cyprus for our girly holiday?’
‘Well … kind of,’ Josie said. She tried to smile back at her friend, who was so well-meaning, but she knew already that Pete leaving was in a different league.
Toby clattered into the kitchen just then, Darth Vader helmet on, swishing his light-sabre through the air as if he were a demented majorette.
‘Careful, love,’ Josie said as he whacked one of the chairs with a plasticky thump. She flinched, as if she were the one to receive the whacking.
THWACK! ‘I … am … your … father!’
‘Use the force!’ Nell said.
‘But not too much force,’ Josie added as he approached, breathing heavily, pointing his light-sabre at her. ‘Come here, Darth. Come and give your old mum a cuddle.’
‘Darth … Vader … doesn’t … cuddle … anyone,’ he intoned spookily, and she pulled his helmet off and grabbed him.
‘Toby Winter does, though, luckily for me,’ she said, wrapping her arms around him until he squealed. She kissed his nose – Pete’s nose, it was an exact replica – and felt engulfed by sadness again.
Nell was looking over at her. ‘Hey, Tobes, want to show me your footie skills?’ she asked quickly. ‘Bet you can’t score past me. Did you know I used to be goalkeeper for England?’
Toby looked interested. ‘Really? Did you?’ he asked.
Nell winked at him. ‘Not really,’ she admitted, ‘but I am pretty handy in a penalty shoot-out.’ She tilted her head towards the garden. ‘I spotted your goal out there. Fancy your chances, do you?’
Toby dropped his light-sabre with a clunk, and it rolled under the table. ‘Sam! Sam!’ he shouted, wriggling free of Josie and rushing to find his brother. ‘Come and play football with that lady, Nell!’
Nell put a hand on Josie’s shoulder. ‘I’ll take them in the garden for a bit,’ she said. ‘Why don’t you go and have a kip? I can always make tea for them later if you want to sleep awhile.’
Josie nodded gratefully, her eyes wet. ‘Thanks,’ she said. ‘I feel like a zombie.’
‘Get under your duvet at once then,’ Nell ordered. ‘And don’t come out again until I say you can.’
Josie felt light-headed and woozy as she got to her feet. The whole week seemed like a long, horrible dream that she was trapped in – the sleepless nights, Fulton’s Farm, the disastrous dinner at her parents’ …
She wanted it to stop, this crazy rollercoaster of emotion that had taken over her nice normal world. She wanted to get off now and catch her breath. When was it going to stop?
Cyprus had been Nell’s idea. They’d both just been dumped, and were thoroughly gutted about it. After a couple of depressing nights of vodka-fuelled rounds of Ten Reasons (‘Number one – he was so stingy with his cash. Remember when he bought me an Iceland own-brand Easter egg at Easter?’ ‘Tosser!’), Nell had had a brainwave.
‘What is the point,’ she’d slurred from her position on the sofa, where she’d been for the last forty-eight hours, ‘of being pissed off in shitty London when we can be pissed off in the sun?’
‘Because we live here,’ Josie had reminded her, sploshing more vodka into their glasses. ‘And we’ve got jobs. That’s why.’
Nell had waved an arm at the window, where July rain was pattering noisily against the glass. ‘But it’s crap here,’ she’d argued. ‘I hate it.’ She’d dragged herself up to a sitting position and pointed at Josie with her fag. ‘You know what we need, girl? We need a bloody good holiday.’
It had been the perfect, perfect solution. Josie couldn’t think of a single reason why not and so, just three days later, with their holiday forms signed by their respective personnel officers and their bags packed, the two of them found themselves at Gatwick Airport, heading for a last-minute package deal to Cyprus.
In Cyprus they’d sunbathed and smoked all day, got trolleyed every night, and snogged whoever they fancied, to take the edge off the pain. It hadn’t cured the sadness completely but it had helped. And she’d got the best tan of her life into the bargain.
Josie snuggled a little further into her pillow and closed her eyes. Thank God Nell was here. She had turned up at exactly the right moment.
‘You know, I can’t help feeling that this is my fault,’ Josie said that evening. The boys were in bed and she and Nell were on the sofa with glasses of wine and a box of Milk Tray.
Nell rolled her eyes. ‘Please don’t say what I think you’re going to say,’ she warned.
Josie ignored her. ‘I mean, maybe if I’d been more fun recently, maybe if I’d been more sexy …’
Nell shoved a hazelnut whirl into Josie’s mouth to stop her talking. ‘Don’t start that, Josie Winter! Don’t! It’s pants, and I won’t listen to it. None of this is your fault!’
Josie bit through the chocolate as if she’d barely registered it was there, and went on. ‘If I’d just tried a bit harder, this might not have—’
‘Josie! Stop it!’ Nell ordered. ‘You’re sounding like a Stepford! You’ve done nothing wrong.’
Josie took a slurp of wine. ‘You know, when I woke up this morning, I remembered this bet me and Pete had the other week,’ she went on. ‘I can’t even remember what we were arguing about but whatever it was, I bet him a fiver that I was right. And then he laughed and said, “A fiver? Let’s make it more interesting. Let’s bet a sexual favour that I’m right.” ’
‘And were you right?’ Nell asked.
Josie hung her head. ‘Well, it turned out that I was. And so he was all nudge-nudge-wink-wink, and said, “Babe, your luck’s in.” And I said …’
‘You didn’t say you’d rather have the fiver?’
‘I did.’ Josie winced at the memory. Why hadn’t she winked saucily at him, and said yes please? Why had she acted like such an old maid? A mercenary old maid at that.
Nell plonked the Milk Tray on to Josie’s lap. ‘Don’t beat yourself up about it. That was one little remark,’ she said kindly. ‘Husbands don’t leave their wives because they turn down a sexual favour. It probably didn’t make him feel great, but …’
‘No,’ Josie said mournfully. ‘What a cow! He looked as if he’d been slapped. No wonder he ran off to Sabine. I bet she never says no.’
The phone rang before Nell could reply.
Ring-ring. Ring-ring.
‘Answer it, then,’ Nell said. ‘It might be him.’
Ring-ring.
‘I know,’ Josie replied. ‘I’m just bracing myself.’ She took a deep breath and picked up the receiver. ‘Hello?’
‘Josie, it’s Lisa. Please don’t hang up on me. I really want to speak to you.’
Josie’s skin prickled at the sound of her voice but she kept the phone to her ear. ‘I’m listening,’ she said begrudgingly.
‘First of all, I’m sorry. I’m really, really, really sorry. I completely blew my presentation last week because I couldn’t stop thinking about you.’
; Josie sniffed. ‘Oh, boo-hoo, Lisa,’ she said, rolling her eyes at Nell and flicking the phone on to speaker. ‘I’m sorry if I’m interfering with your work. How very inconsiderate of me.’
‘No! I didn’t mean—’ Lisa sighed. ‘I was trying to say, I feel terrible. I shouldn’t have done it.’
‘No, you shouldn’t,’ Josie agreed tightly.
‘It was wrong of me, it was horrible. And I am really ashamed of myself for doing it.’
‘Good,’ Josie said. ‘I’m ashamed of you too. Call yourself a friend?’
There was a pause. ‘I know, I’ve been a crap friend,’ Lisa said in a low voice. ‘But I want to explain. Do you think we could meet up and talk about it properly?’
Josie glanced at Nell, who shrugged. ‘I don’t want to see you,’ she said bluntly. ‘I don’t want to see anyone. Pete’s left me.’ She shut her eyes as the weight of it rolled over her again. ‘I can’t do anything right now. I—’
‘He’s left you?’ Lisa repeated. ‘Oh my God. Why?’
Was it Josie’s imagination, or was there a tiny hint of eagerness in Lisa’s voice? ‘Not because of you, if that’s what you’re hoping,’ she snapped. Her fingers clenched into a fist. ‘He didn’t want me or you. So I guess we’ve got more in common than I thought, Lisa. We’re both notches on his bedpost now, aren’t we?’ She hung up before Lisa could reply.
‘You OK?’ Nell asked after a moment.
‘I’m great,’ Josie said wearily. ‘I’m just great.’ She stayed still for a moment, feeling her heart slow, then looked at Nell. ‘How about you? I’ve hardly asked how you’re feeling about Gareth. Sorry – here’s me calling Lisa a crap friend and I’ve been banging on about myself and not even asking about you.’
Nell gave a small smile. ‘I’m cool,’ she said. ‘It’s a bit easier for me to deal with the Gareth thing because I know it’s definitely over, and I don’t want to see him again. Which is kind of painful, but at least I’ve drawn a line under it. Whereas you …’
‘Want everything to go back to how it was,’ Josie sighed. ‘But … don’t you want to talk about it? About what happened with Gareth? You haven’t really said.’
‘There’s not much to say,’ Nell replied, avoiding Josie’s gaze. ‘He was … He turned out to be different from the person I thought I’d fallen in love with. And then …’
‘And then … ?’ Josie prompted as Nell fell silent.
‘Oh, nothing. I’ll tell you about it some other time.’
Message received loud and clear, thought Josie, finishing her drink. Backing off, at the double! ‘Sure,’ she said quickly. ‘Whenever. Sorry. I wasn’t being—’
‘Hey, remember Cyprus?’ Nell interrupted as if she hadn’t heard.
Josie nodded. ‘Of course. I was thinking about it earlier,’ she replied. ‘Why?’
Nell tipped her head back and drank the last of her wine. ‘Maybe we should go away somewhere together again. Have some fun.’
Josie laughed. ‘Yeah. Nice idea. And back in the real world, would you like another drink?’
Nell sat up straighter. Her eyes were shining. ‘I mean it, Jose. Not a shagging holiday in Cyprus, obviously, but just a little … escape. I’ve got some money saved up. We can take the boys and get away for a few days. Spain. France. America. Anywhere.’
There was a silence while Josie stared at her friend. ‘You’re serious, aren’t you?’ she said.
‘Too right I am!’ Nell said. She rolled the stem of the glass between her fingers. ‘What’s stopping us? Neither of us has a job. I don’t even have a permanent address at the moment. The boys aren’t at school. And like I said last time, why be miserable and heartbroken here when we could be miserable and heartbroken on a beach? And—’
‘No,’ Josie said flatly. ‘It’s ridiculous. I can’t just drop everything like that. Don’t you see? I can hardly do anything right now. I can’t even function, let alone go off gallivanting.’ She stood up. ‘More wine?’
‘Please,’ Nell said. She got up and followed Josie into the kitchen. ‘Come on, Jose, at least consider it. Are you seriously telling me you’d rather stay here, moping around the house, not sleeping, jumping every time the phone rings?’
‘Well, no, but …’
‘Let’s do it, then!’ Nell grabbed Josie by the arm as she opened the fridge. ‘Don’t you remember how much better we felt on that plane to Cyprus? It was like we were doing something positive about it all. We were having an adventure, being spontaneous. We were on a mission! We were—’
‘Totally running away, and you know it,’ Josie said. She didn’t look at Nell as she filled up their glasses and put the stopper back in the bottle. They were nearly through it already. God. Drinking too much again.
‘What’s wrong with running away, if you’re running somewhere fun?’ Nell argued.
Josie passed Nell her glass and looked hard at her. ‘Well …’ she began. She was trying to think of a good reason to say no, but she couldn’t come up with anything. ‘You know, when we were in London and you were telling us about your travels, I did really have a pang of jealousy,’ she admitted. ‘I even came back here and tried to talk Pete into us all going off somewhere exciting.’
‘Attagirl,’ Nell laughed.
‘But that was then,’ Josie said. ‘That was before all this kicked off. And since Pete left, I’ve just been so tired. My whole body is tired. I don’t have the energy to go anywhere. I couldn’t possibly start thinking about packing clothes and … and … getting plane tickets while my head is full of Pete.’
‘We don’t have to go far,’ Nell said. ‘We don’t even have to leave the country. We could go camping in Cornwall for a week. Or up to the Lake District. Or … wherever. Scotland! The Gower!’
Josie bit her lip, staring at Nell while she mulled it over. She imagined them all piling into the car and setting off into the unknown. She imagined remote sandy beaches, camping under starlit skies, fresh air, new brown freckles sprinkled on the boys’ noses …
Then she imagined Pete’s furious face and letters from lawyers about denied access.
‘I wouldn’t want Pete to think I’m running away with the children,’ she said at last.
‘You wouldn’t be,’ Nell argued. ‘Tell him we’re going for a holiday. That way, you both get some space, and he might realize how empty his life is without you and the boys.’
Josie sighed. ‘In my dreams,’ she muttered.
‘So what’s the alternative?’ Nell asked. ‘Just sit it out here? Hope that all the pain goes away?’
Josie stared at her wine. ‘I don’t know,’ she replied. ‘I don’t have a game plan. I just can’t think straight at the moment.’
Nell nodded. ‘OK,’ she said. ‘But promise me you’ll think about it? It might make you feel better.’
Josie nodded. ‘Deal,’ she said. ‘I’ll think about it.’
‘Has he come back to you yet? Well, what’s he doing? You mustn’t let him get away with this, you know. You cant!’
‘Thanks, Mum. I’ll bear that in mind.’
Josie’s mum had been phoning – frequently – for updates on her daughter’s disintegrating marriage.
Lisa had been phoning too, but Josie hung up on her every time. She didn’t want to talk to her. Nor did she want to talk to BT, a double-glazing firm, a cold-calling cat charity, or her bank. Conversely, the one person she did want to speak to hadn’t phoned since he’d taken the boys out on Saturday.
Josie’s insides were knotting up tighter and tighter at his non-communication, especially as Toby and Sam kept asking when they were going to see him. Sam had wet the bed again, too. Worry lines had appeared on his forehead, like a little old man.
‘Soon,’ she kept saying to them. ‘You’ll see him soon. But I’m not exactly sure when.’
‘Come on,’ Nell said to her, once the boys were asleep the next evening. ‘Let’s go out for a pint and plan where we’re going on our road trip.’
‘
Hang on a minute,’ Josie said, feeling rushed. ‘What road trip? I haven’t agreed to anything yet. I told you I needed to think about it, remember?’
‘Well, let’s think about it in the pub,’ Nell said. ‘There’s nothing on telly and we’ve drunk all your booze. Besides, I fancy getting out. Don’t you?’
Josie stared at her. ‘What about the boys?’ she said. ‘We can’t just leave them.’
‘Phone what’s-her-name, Emma, or someone. Can’t one of your mates pop round for an hour or so?’ Nell replied. She picked up the phone and handed it to Josie. ‘Go on. You call someone while I have a quick shower.’
Stunned, Josie gazed after Nell’s briskly departing figure, and then down at the phone. She’d forgotten about Nell’s calls-to-action. When the mood took her, you got swept along with her, whatever she wanted to do, it had always been the way. She bit her lip, thinking hard, and then dialled Emma’s number. Sometimes it was easier to go limp and get pulled along with the current, wasn’t it? She didn’t have the strength to disagree with Nell in this mood.
Emma said yes, of course, in a pleased-to-help way, and so, just forty minutes later, Josie and Nell were in a taxi heading for the town centre. ‘We could have gone to the local,’ Josie had tried saying timidly, but Nell was insistent. ‘In for a penny, in for a pound,’ she’d replied. It’s a Tuesday night, there’ll be nobody in your local Let’s see what’s happening in the bright lights of the high street.’
Ten minutes later they were sat in armchairs in The Eagle, a cosy old pub that Josie had been in a few times before with Pete. ‘Shame we ate with the boys earlier,’ she said as she sipped her beer. ‘They do nice food.’
Well, we could always bring them in for lunch another day,’ Nell said, glancing up at the chalked menu above the bar. ‘Mmm, and look at the puddings …’
‘I know, they’re to die for,’ Josie said. ‘Or to diet for, anyway,’ she added with a giggle. ‘Me and Pete always shared a sticky toffee pudding when we came in here. It is just the most calorifically sinful thing you could imagine, but—’
Josie stopped talking as Nell suddenly gave a squawk like a strangled chicken.