by Lucy Diamond
She stared out of the window. Love, life, death, sex. It went on and on, everywhere, all around the world. Right now, while she was sitting in the back of this taxi, babies were yelling their first yells in every corner of the globe, while others whimpered their last breaths.
She found herself thinking about Rob, in Africa. Rob, fixing ambulances or mending a piece of medical kit that might just save a baby’s life in Zambia. It put things in perspective, Josie thought, as the taxi crawled over London Bridge, but it didn’t make her feel any better.
Stu’s flat was a total bachelor pad, with its floor-to-ceiling windows, white walls, fancy gadgets and sprawling sofa. Melanie hadn’t actually moved in, but had definitely made her presence felt, Josie decided with a smile, as Stu showed her in. There were a couple of new framed black and white photographs on the living-room wall that were far too tasteful to have been chosen by Stu, a pile of paperbacks on one of the shelves (including some fat, well-thumbed Marian Keyes novels), and a colourful kilim on the floor.
The flat also had a tiny balcony – just room for a small patio table and a few chairs – but it overlooked the river, so gave an illusion of space. Sitting there on the rickety wooden chair, feet propped up on the edge of the balcony, mug in her hands, Josie gazed down at the Thames as it rolled along in front of her, sunlight twinkling off the water, while Stu went to answer the phone. She’d known this stretch of the river quite well once upon a time. The boys had been born in a hospital less than a mile away. She and Pete had rented a scuzzy flat in Elephant and Castle down the road. And she’d worked for a while as a junior designer for one of the free London magazines a short walk along the riverbank.
She’d liked working there. She’d just started seeing Pete, and he’d had a job not far away, in Oval, so she’d often hop on a number 8 bus to meet him for lunch. And oh, the lust that had shot through them both in those days! The knee-tremblers they’d had, panting and giggling, in all sorts of places – down alleyways, in that deserted churchyard, once even in the park, behind the derelict toilet block. They’d been mad for each other. She could still remember going back to the office without her knickers on when Pete had flung them off into the undergrowth somewhere and she hadn’t been able to find them again. Could still remember the way she’d sat so primly on the bus back to work, knees tight together, hoping there wasn’t a wet patch on her skirt …
Still. That was a long time ago. She wondered if Pete ever thought back to those heady days. Surely not. He had a whole new set of sexual exploits to enjoy right now, after all. Why would he bother harking back to ancient history?
She shifted uncomfortably on her chair as she remembered what Lisa had said about him. The way he’d treated her, dropping her like a stone when she’d told him about the baby … It was breathtaking.
She’d always thought Pete was fundamentally a kind person, a good guy, yet he’d behaved so callously. And after ditching Lisa he’d gone on to start things up with Sabine. Not so very kind after all, then.
‘Everything OK?’ Stu came back to the balcony at that moment, his expression quizzical.
Josie realized she was frowning, and tried to snap her features into a smile. ‘Fine,’ she said. She took another slurp of tea, and tried to push both Pete and Lisa out of her head. ‘I’m fine.’
It was a relief to strip her clothes off and get into the shower cubicle a little while later. She tipped her head back, letting the water sluice over her face, slicking back her hair to rinse out all the London grime. Then she put her hands over her face and leaned against the wet tiled wall, the hot hiss of spray on her body. It was a refuge, this small steamy space, but she knew before long she’d have to slap on her party face. God. She was so not in the mood. She was so not up for this.
The minutes passed. She shampooed her hair, scrubbed her pits and bits. She shut her eyes and stood there, motionless under the downpour as it needled her skin. And then, with a sigh, she switched off the water and stepped through the steam to wrap herself in towels. Her body was warm and clean. Her hair smelled good. Retreat over. Time to look happy.
She went through the motions as best as she could, blow-drying her hair and styling it, putting on her face, squirting perfume on her neck. She borrowed a clingy, flattering wrap-dress of Melanie’s (‘God, you cow, it looks much better on you than me,’ Melanie said, wrinkling her nose and pretending to be miffed), and then with a heavy heart proceeded to eat Stu’s food, and drink Stu’s drink, and schmooze with Stu’s mates.
She caught up with Bridget and Eve, two women she’d known since sixth form.
She managed a laugh with Melanie about Stu’s crap taste in music. (Melanie was lovely! Definitely the nicest girlfriend Stu had ever had.)
She fended off slimy Jake’s wandering hands, and batted away creepy Trev’s compliments.
She even flirted mildly with someone called Andy, knowing full well it would come to nothing.
But the whole time she was aching inside for poor dead Rose.
Chapter Eighteen
It’s all back on!’
Nell’s voice was breathless down the phone. ‘What is?’ Josie asked, rubbing her right temple gingerly. It was the morning after the night before – OK, technically it was the early afternoon after the night before – and she was back home, feeling dog-rough with a hangover.
‘Me and Gareth. We’re sorted. One hundred per cent. Everything’s hunky-dory. In fact …’ She paused a little self-consciously. In fact, I’ve got an announcement to make.’
Josie sat up at once, from where she’d been slumped immobile on the sofa. ‘What? she cried, wincing as the blood rushed to her head. An announcement? Surely Nell wasn’t going to say what Josie thought she was going to say? ‘You’re getting … ?’
Nell laughed. ‘I knew you’d think that. No, we’re not getting married or engaged or up the duff. It’s me, remember. But we are going travelling together. Central America, in January.’ Josie could hear her smiling. ‘Now tell me that’s not commitment.’
‘That’s commitment,’ Josie said, smiling too, despite the ringing headache she’d had all morning. ‘Oh, Nell – that’s brilliant news. That’s perfect.’
‘I know,’ Nell went on. ‘Him dumping me made me really think about our relationship. How much I was going to miss him. It was like a total reality check.’ She paused. ‘And I’m dead grateful to you and Rob for kicking my arse in the first place, you know. I wouldn’t have gone back for our summit talks if it hadn’t been for you two. So cheers. You were a total friend in need – in fact, you were a proper Granny McFadden yourself.’
‘You don’t have to thank me,’ Josie told her. ‘I’m just glad things have worked out all right.’ She tried to stifle a yawn as she lay back down on the sofa. God, she was knackered. She hadn’t even seen Stu’s spare bed until well after three this morning. ‘And it’s Nanny McPhee, by the way.’
‘Whatever, guardian angel, fairy godmother. Same difference. How about you, anyway? What’s happening in your life?’
‘Well, I’ve just got back from London, actually,’ Josie replied. ‘Went to a party at my brother’s.’
‘Ooh!’ She could almost hear Nell raising her eyebrows. ‘Nice one.’ Her voice was rich with approval. The old maid, out on the lash again! Who would have thought? ‘And? Any disgraceful behaviour to report?’
‘No. And no, I haven’t used one of those condoms yet either, before you ask.’ She shut her eyes suddenly, remembering the conversation she’d had with flirty Andy the night before. She’d been in the kitchen, leaning against the fridge, twiddling a tendril of hair round and round her finger. God, she must have looked so coy and girly. Shame she’d blown him out as soon as he tried to sneak a hand around her arse. ‘But … D’you know what, I’m really glad I went. I actually felt attractive again. I’ve lost loads of weight since Pete dumped me, and I’ve obviously turned into a bit of a babe.’ She giggled. ‘Three blokes tried to chat me up. Three!’
‘Course t
hey did. I’m surprised it wasn’t thirty,’ Nell said. ‘I bet they were all after you in there, darlin’. So … Any lookers, then?’
‘We-e-ell …’ Josie laughed. ‘There was this one guy, Andy, who was really nice. But no, nothing happened. I was in a bit of a funny mood, to be honest. And even though I enjoyed all the chatting-up and attention, I wasn’t up for anything else. It was just …’ She paused, trying to get the right words. ‘It was just nice to have a break from normal life. Time off from Misery Central, I mean.’ She yawned again and stretched out her legs. ‘And now I’m back, and …’
‘Back at Misery Central?’
Josie was silent for a moment, reflecting. ‘No, I wouldn’t say that. I don’t feel miserable today. Just a bit rough.’ She paused, wondering whether or not to tell Nell about Lisa. Not, she decided. It was Lisa’s story, not hers.
‘Well, that’s all right. At least with a hangover you know you’ll be OK by tomorrow,’ Nell said comfortingly. ‘Trust me. I’m an expert on these matters. But anyway, I won’t keep you if you’re suffering. I was just ringing to tell you our news, and ask you to our leaving do. We’re going to have a bash in London before we go away. A big party, with all our mates and family …’
‘Sounds a bit like a wedding to me,’ Josie teased. ‘Sure you’re not tempted to ask a registrar along too?’
Nell chuckled good-naturedly. ‘Leave it out, you’re as bad as Gareth,’ she said. ‘Actually, that’s a point. Talking of weddings and sparring guests and all that – you just reminded me. How would you feel about Lisa coming? Because obviously, you two are both my mates, but I don’t want any aggro or anyone feeling awkward. So if it’s going to be too difficult, I can always catch up with her separately – not invite her, I mean.’
Josie gazed out of the window. From her position on the sofa she could see into the back garden, where her own roses were bobbing their heads in a breeze. For an instant she felt a tearing sadness inside again, and turned her head away quickly, not wanting to look at them. ‘Actually, it’s funny you should mention Lisa,’ she said, trying to sound casual about it. ‘Because I saw her yesterday, and we’ve sorted things out. So don’t worry about any sparring or aggro. We’re all right, me and Lisa, now.’
‘God. Really? Wow. What did she say?’
Josie hesitated. It’s kind of private,’ she said at last. ‘But things are OK, anyway. Let’s just leave it at that.’
‘OK,’ Nell replied. ‘Sorry – I didn’t mean to sound nosy—’
‘Course not,’ Josie said, smiling. ‘You?’
‘All right, so I was being nosy, but … Well, I’m glad you’ve sorted things out. So mature and grown-up, dahling!’
‘That’s me,’ Josie agreed. Her gaze drifted to the African postcards on the mantelpiece and she seized on them as a good means to change the subject. ‘Have you heard from Rob lately?’
‘Yeah, we’ve been emailing. He asked about you, said he hadn’t heard from you and were you all right?’
Josie nodded, even though Nell couldn’t see her. ‘Tell him I’m fine,’ she replied. ‘In fact, I’ll tell him myself. I’ve been meaning to write back to him – top of the To Do list.’
‘Oh good.’ Nell paused. ‘Because I think he’d really like to hear from you. He’s always had a bit of a thing for you, and …’
‘Nell!’
‘And he’d kill me for saying as much to you, but—’
‘Nell!’
‘I think he—’
‘Nell, shut up!’ Josie said quickly. ‘Just … don’t. Let me get things straight with Pete first. I can’t think about anything else right now, OK?’
‘O-k-a-a-a-y,’ Nell replied. She sounded like one of the boys did when they’d been told off. ‘Better go anyway. Speak to you soon, yeah?’
‘Speak to you soon, Nell. Bye.’
Josie was asleep when Pete arrived with the boys. The knocking at the door filtered into her dream, and she struggled to surface. She’d been in Africa, riding an elephant with slimy Jake from the party and … No. No, she wasn’t. She was in her own living room, with dribble down the side of her face, and bed-head hair. She tidied herself up quickly and went to answer the door. The boys were shouting to her through the letterbox and she was suddenly desperate to see them again. Then she was struck by a pang of guilt at hardly having thought about them at all while she’d been away. Slack mother! Dreadful mother!
‘Mummy!’
‘Mum!’
‘Hello, you two, had a good time?’ She hugged them to her, her twin bouncing puppies of boys, kissing them, and almost falling over in the enthusiasm of their embraces.
She heaved them up, one in each arm – God, they were getting so big! – and straightened to look at Pete. ‘Have they been all right? Behaved themselves?’
Pete nodded, smiling at her. ‘We’ve had a great time,’ he said. ‘Haven’t we, boys? Football in the park …’
‘And ice creams!’ Toby put in.
‘And we took the bikes out, too, didn’t we?’
‘And guess what? I had a go without my stabulizers,’ Sam said proudly.
‘We both did,’ Toby corrected him. ‘We both did it without our stabrilizers.’
‘Well done! Without your stabilizers! Wow,’ Josie said, smiling at each of them in turn. They both seemed really happy, full of it. ‘Thanks, Pete,’ she added, in a more formal tone.
‘Any time,’ he said. ‘How about you, was it a good night?’
Josie was slightly taken aback. She’d been expecting to whip straight into the usual polite goodbye, close-the-door, sigh-of-relief routine. They hadn’t exactly been doing conversation, she and Pete, apart from the brief handover chat each time they exchanged the boys. ‘Um … yeah,’ she replied. ‘Yes, it was good, actually, thanks.’
‘So, er, what did you get up to?’ he asked.
She frowned. ‘What did I get up to?’ she echoed. Why was he asking? ‘Well …’
Toby, yanking at Pete’s T-shirt, interrupted. ‘Dad, Dad, come and see our room. You know I told you about the drawing I did of the T-Rexes fighting, and all the blood? Mum put it on the wall for me. Come and see!’
Pete looked questioningly at Josie, and she shrugged. ‘Fine by me,’ she said.
She stood there as Pete kicked off his shoes in the hall – the way he’d done every evening, once upon a time – and followed Toby up the stairs. And there was Sam, running after them to catch up, slipping a hand into his dad’s. It was almost as if nothing had ever gone wrong.
She glanced down at her own hand, bare of its wedding ring. Almost
She paused in the hallway, unsure of what to do. What was the protocol? She hadn’t a clue. She shut the front door, thinking hard. ‘Want a coffee?’ she called up the stairs after a moment. Why not? It would be nice for the boys to have their dad here, on their own turf, again. Hopefully it would give them some extra security, demonstrate that hey, Mum and Dad could still be pleasant to each other, even if they hated each other really.
She paused, her hand on the banister, then corrected herself. Well, not ‘hated’. She didn’t hate him. She wasn’t really sure what she felt about him any more.
His voice floated down. ‘Please!’
‘Can we have biscuits?’ Toby bellowed.
She found herself smiling as she went into the kitchen, put on the kettle and took out two mugs – Pete’s favourite Arsenal one still lived in the cupboard – and poured some juice into cups for the boys. Two mugs, two cups and a packet of biscuits. It was all so familiar, yet so very peculiar at the same time.
She took her time with the coffees as they tramped into the kitchen moments later, Toby, Sam and Pete. She deliberately kept her back to the table, trying to pretend it wasn’t a big deal. Really, though, her cheeks were burning. And when Pete sat down in his old place, head of the table, she pressed her lips together very hard so as not to smile too obviously.
Oh, it was nice to have him sitting there again, back in his
place. She could hardly look at him, she felt so stupidly pleased. It was ridiculous, she knew. Daft. He was only staying for a coffee. But the boys were loving it, having him here at home again. They went around the kitchen, pointing out all the pictures they’d done at playgroup, their bean shoots that were growing crazily on the windowsill, the photos that she’d taken of them in Devon. Josie watched. It was enough to take her hangover right away, like magic.
Then she thought about Rose, and what Lisa had told her, and stiffened. Hardened herself to him all over again.
She put his coffee on the table without looking at him. Then she stood back against the work surface with her own drink, unable to join them at the table. I can’t just pretend nothing’s happened, she thought. I can’t just switch into Happy Families, play along with this.
She could feel his eyes upon her and made a point of looking up at the wall clock. ‘Is that the time?’ she said coldly.
To: Rob
From: Josie
Date: 18 July
Subject: Hello
Dear Rob,
How are you? Sorry it’s taken me so long to reply.
Josie stared at the computer screen, wondering what to put next. She was feeling guilty for not having written earlier, after Nell’s prompt that afternoon. But what should she say?
We’re all fine – just about. I’m getting by without Pete and it’s gradually becoming easier, but I still have my down days where I feel really sad about it.
She stopped typing and popped a cherry into her mouth from the bag next to her, chewing it thoughtfully as she read back her words. That was a bit heavy, wasn’t it? Rob wasn’t going to want to read that sort of thing while he was away. Her finger searched for the Delete button, then she hesitated. Maybe it was better to bash out how she felt now, then she could edit it afterwards, before sending it. It might be quite cathartic.