“Sorry about my grandfather. He’s a little upset with both me and you.”
“I guess that’s understandable.”
“Let’s sit down. There’s no reason we can’t be civil about this,” Sarah said.
Tucker didn’t know how she expected him to react, but if what she had said was true, if Lucas was really his son, then he was damn angry. The more he had thought about how she had kept Lucas’s parentage a secret, the angrier he had become. She had withheld the knowledge from him for the last three years and would have continued to keep this information from him if Lansky hadn’t kidnapped the boy.
He set his hat down on a table beside him and ran his hand through his hair. This was hard, damn hard. But he wanted some answers, and he wanted the truth.
“I just want to make sure I heard you correctly the other day. Is Lucas really my son?”
Sarah bristled. “Yes, he’s your son. Why wouldn’t the boy be yours?”
“You were married, Sarah. Why wouldn’t I doubt the boy was mine? I was led to believe he was your husband’s son, never even considering for a moment that he was mine,” he replied, angered that she had reacted so to his questioning her.
“The marriage was a ruse. I married Walter Scott James right before he died. He knew I was pregnant and unmarried. He helped me out. Otherwise your son would have been a bastard.”
Tucker stood up and began to pace. “Why in the hell didn’t you just get in touch with me? Let me know you were expecting my baby? Didn’t you think I would want to know?”
Sarah stood and followed Tucker on the other side of the room. “You didn’t want to know. You left me in the middle of the night. You didn’t even have the courtesy to say good-bye, and then you wonder why I didn’t contact you when I discovered myself pregnant?”
She took a deep breath. “How would I have found you? You were wandering the countryside. You didn’t want to be tied down. You were a gunslinger who had almost died once. And you thought I would contact you and say ‘Let’s get married, we’re having a baby!’ ”
“Don’t you think as the father, I should have at least been given the chance to decide how much I wanted to be involved with my child? Don’t you think I should have at least been told I had a son?” He stared at her. Sarah glared back, eyes flashing with anger.
“When were you going to tell me? You’ve been in town now for almost two months. What were you waiting for?”
“Why would I tell you that Lucas is your son, when all you’ve talked about since I’ve returned is how you can’t wait to leave town, how you didn’t want to be tied down?” She poked her finger in his chest. “And now you’re leaving town, just like you wanted. When were you going to tell me?” Her gaze challenged him.
“You still aren’t ready to be a father. You’re still the same irresponsible man who doesn’t want to settle down, who left me pregnant in Tombstone.”
“That’s not fair!” he said. “I have changed. And if I had had all the information, I would have been willing to consider settling down. I could do it if I wanted to. We could get married.”
“Why?” Sarah asked, her voice strained. “Why do you want to marry me, Tucker?”
“Well . . .” Too late Beth’s warning came to mind, and he knew he was in trouble; but he had to offer to marry her. “If we were married, I could be an active part of Lucas’s life. I could be a father to him. And we are good together, Sarah.”
For a moment she said absolutely nothing. Then her face suffused with a red flush. “Damn you, Tucker. You would marry me just to be near your son? Not because you love me and you think we could be happy. Damn you, because in a few years you’d begin to hate me and wish you were a wandering man again. I want you to take the job, leave town and have a great life. I don’t need you. Lucas doesn’t need you. Don’t come around me again.”
“Sarah ... I didn’t mean it the way it sounded. We’re friends.”
“And don’t call me your friend. We’ve been more than friends for a long time, but you’ve been too damn blind to see. Well, let me open your eyes for you. We’re no longer friends.”
***
All the way back to the county jail, Tucker stewed over the events of the past hour. He had gone over to Sarah’s to make things right, and somehow they were worse now than ever before. He had been willing to marry her. He had been willing to stay here and make them a family, but just as Beth had warned, Sarah wanted no part of his offer.
Women could be so stubborn. What was this feeling called love that was so important to them? He had been willing to give up his dream of being a federal marshal, all for Sarah and Lucas, but she wanted no part of his offer. She had thrown him out of her grandfather’s suite and out of her life.
And the part about being more than friends. True, most friends didn’t share a bed together. But their friendship had always been special, hadn’t it?
Tucker started to empty the drawers of his desk. She had told him to get out of town, to take the job. Well, he was going to. He didn’t need any more prodding from her or anyone else. He had made up his mind.
Thinking of Sarah, he packed his personal belongings in his saddlebags, thrusting them into the leather bags. Damn her! He had offered her marriage. He had wanted to be with her and Lucas, but he had been unable to say those three little words.
Why couldn’t she just accept the fact that he wanted to do the right thing?
He turned in his badge and told the mayor that he had taken a new job. He walked out of the office that had been his for the last two years.
He would go by the ranch to say good-bye to his family, and then he would be on his way, to a new job, seeing new country, fulfilling his dreams. But somehow his heart felt heavy when he should feel glad. But Sarah had ended their friendship, and the thought of never seeing her again left him feeling emptier than he had ever imagined.
***
A week later Sarah looked up from her desk in time to see Brad strolling into the doctor’s clinic. She was finishing the last notes on patients, busy packing her gear and getting prepared to turn the clinic back over to the doctor, who would be returning on Monday.
“Hello,” she said, glancing up at him. “How’s your hand?”
He smiled. “It’s better. How are you?”
“I’m good.”
“I heard about Lucas being kidnapped. I’m sorry, you must have been so frightened.”
“I was, but he’s okay. Scared him, but he’s a tough little boy.” She paused. “You know, Brad, I’ve wanted to talk with you, but just haven’t contacted you.”
“I also must confess I’ve been avoiding you.” Sarah glanced at him, shocked. “Why?”
“Because I think you’re in love with someone else.” The muscles in her chest seemed to tighten and ache. She sighed and knew that it was true, but instead of being joyous, she felt only heartache. “Is it that noticeable?”
He smiled. “No. But you’re always aware of Tucker, and you watch him whenever he’s around. I guess I would be the luckiest man alive if you felt that way toward me; but I know you don’t, and I’m smart enough to know when to back off.”
Sarah sighed. “I’m sorry, Brad. I wish it were you that I felt this way about, but I do love Tucker, though God knows why. You heard he’s left town?” She was resigned to the fact that they would never be together. After she had thrown him out of her grandfather’s suite of rooms, she had known that he would pack his bags and run from his feelings. It was what he always did, and this time she didn’t expect him to return.
“Yes. I know.”
“The doctor is coming back to work on Monday, and Lucas and I, we’ll be returning to Tombstone. It’s time.”
“I’m sorry, Sarah. I wish you could stay.”
She nodded. “I’m sorry, too. But I can’t remain here and wish that Tucker loved me enough for us to be together. I can’t face this town every day with the knowledge that he didn’t love me enough to stay.”
Brad stuck hi
s hands in his pockets and shrugged. “Don’t give up on Tucker just yet. He still may come around.”
Sarah shook her head. Why should she continue to wait with false hopes on a man who could never be committed to her and their son? “No, I’ve given up. We’re going back to Tombstone, and I’m going to put Tucker out of my mind. I’ve loved him for over three years, and before that I had a crush on him. It’s time to move on.”
“I’m sorry, Sarah. I wish you the best of luck, and if it makes you feel any better, I think Tucker must be blind not to see what he’s giving up.”
“Thanks, Brad. Maybe he’s not half as blind as I am for still loving the man, even after everything he’s done. But for some reason, he can’t say those three little words that I insist on hearing.”
Chapter Eighteen
A month later, Tucker sat huddled under his slicker on a mountaintop in the Oklahoma Territory. It had been drizzling rain for the last week. He was wet and miserable, and for the last three weeks all he had done was follow this band of outlaws from one place to another with strict instructions not to interfere, but rather to keep track of their activities.
He was living his dream, and he was miserable. He missed Sarah.
There had been no time to explore new areas, meet new people or see much besides the top of this mountain. For three weeks, he had watched these men, making notes of who came and went from the outlaws’ den. He hadn’t expected the job to be all excitement; but this was downright dull, and he hated what he was doing.
But worst of all, the memory of Sarah’s face as she had thrown him out of her grandfather’s rooms had lingered in his mind like a bad dream. And the urge to reach out and touch her was so strong that even in his sleep he extended his hands, only to wake up and discover she had disappeared like a whisper in the darkness.
The nights were lonely, and the days were quiet There was no one to talk to, no one to taunt him and keep him on his toes. He missed the camaraderie of the men who worked the county jail, the people in town who knew him. He missed his office and his family. At the moment, he would have given anything for a friendly face.
Nothing was as he had expected. How quickly he had learned that his expectations for this job were unrealistic.
This was nothing like the days of his youth when he had spent time traveling the countryside enjoying his freedom. Though those days were not so long ago, sometime between now and then he had changed. The ground was hard. He wanted a fire, but couldn’t have one. He was tired and dirty, and damn, this wasn’t what he had anticipated.
And if that wasn’t bad enough, he missed Sarah. Yes, he was furious with her for not telling him about Lucas. A man had the right to know about his son. But he still missed her and couldn’t help but wonder what she was doing. He couldn’t help but picture her smile, her flashing blue eyes when she was angry, or the way they sparkled after he kissed her.
He missed being in her arms, he wanted to kiss her, he wanted to hold her, and he wanted to make love…
He placed his head in his hands. What was love besides an emotion that made women cry and men act like fools? Love made grown men rush to do their wives’ bidding. Love had turned his two brothers into doting husbands and fathers. Love was an overblown emotion—one that terrified him.
The thought stunned him. Was he afraid to fall in love? Why would he be fearful of a silly emotion?
Or could it be that Sarah was right, their relationship had been more than a friendship for a long time, and he had been too terrified to admit that he had fallen for her years ago?
Could he be fearful of not being smart enough or good enough for the doctor?
God, he was the biggest damn fool. Sarah had seen through him all along. Of course they were more than friends. They had been lovers. So why was he afraid of spending the rest of his life with Sarah?
Especially when Sarah made him laugh, was fun, incredibly passionate and warm. She made him feel like more of a man. So what was holding him back?
They had a son together. Yet the knowledge of that son had come between them, because Sarah hadn’t told him until circumstances forced her to reveal Lucas’s parentage. And did he want to be a father?
The questions whirled around and around until he felt dizzy, and he hadn’t even moved from the spot. And every single one led back to one response.
Yes. He wanted to be with Sarah and Lucas. He wanted them to be a family. He wanted more children with Sarah, though he was still afraid.
He had been wrong for so long about what he thought he wanted in life. And it had taken being shown that sometimes one’s dreams were not always what had been envisioned. Being a wandering man was a lonely existence.
Everything he really wanted was back in Texas. Back in Fort Worth, where a loving woman waited for him with a son he wanted to get to know. He knew absolutely nothing about raising kids, but he was willing to learn if Sarah was willing to teach him. As long as they were together, he knew they could overcome his fears and any other obstacle that stood in the way.
God, what was he doing here? He didn’t want to be a wandering man; he wanted to be Sarah’s man.
A bullet zinged past his head, and he jumped. Somehow the outlaws had spotted him, and he was absolutely crazy to be sitting here like a damn target on a mountain in the middle of the Oklahoma Territory. This wasn’t his tight, and he didn’t want to be away from Sarah and his son any longer.
He jumped up and threw his gear on the back of his horse and leaped into the saddle. To hell with this! He was going home to his woman. He was going home to Sarah. And somehow he had to convince her that he loved her. Somehow he had to show her that she was everything to him. Somehow he had to prove to her that nothing else mattered to him anymore but her love.
Tucker rode up into the yard of the big house. In the month he had been gone, spring had brought the flowers into bloom, and his mother’s roses had turned the side of the house red with blossoms.
“Hey, it’s Tucker,” Tanner yelled, coming out of the bam at a run. “We didn’t expect to see you anytime soon.”
Tucker swung his leg over the saddle and dropped down to the ground. He clasped his brother’s hand in one hand and his shoulder with the other in a combination handshake hug.
“How’s Beth?” Tucker asked.
“She’s fine. Felt the baby kick for the first time the other day and she teared up worse than a waterfall.”
Travis came around the comer of the house. “Well, look who came in. How long are you staying this time?”
Tucker waited until they had shook hands to respond. “That depends.”
Both of his brothers stopped and gazed at him, perplexed.
“Is Mother home?” Tucker asked.
“No, she and the girls went into town. I’m surprised you didn’t see them when you came through,” Tanner replied.
“I didn’t go into town.”
“You didn’t?” Travis asked, frowning. “Why not?” “Can we get out of the sun and sit a spell. I’ll explain everything.”
Travis gave Tucker a knowing smile. “Get kind of lonely up there in those hills?”
Tucker frowned and went up the stairs to the covered porch. There he leaned against the railing, his arms crossed over his chest.
“Damn it. You know, Travis, you have this irritating habit. You’ve always got to be the know-it-all.” Travis smiled and shrugged. “I can’t help it if I was born first. You know, the city hasn’t filled your old job yet. I’m sure they would be glad to hire you back.”
“You’re not in some kind of trouble?” Tanner asked.
“He’s in way deep, I’d say,” Travis said, laughing.
Tucker sent his brother a look that he hoped singed the edges of his cowboy hat.
“Now, don’t get mad at me, Tucker. You’re the one who used to give me fits about Rose. I think it’s only fair that I return the favor.”
“Damn it, Travis. It’s not funny. I don’t know what to do. I’m miserable without Sarah
. I haven’t seen her in a month, and I can’t get her out of my mind. I miss her. God, how I miss her.”
Tanner started to chuckle. “But I thought you wanted to be an independent man who had no responsibilities, who traveled across the country.”
“I did. But . . . it’s not like I thought it would be. I’m not enjoying being away from Sarah. And worse, we didn’t part on the best of terms. The last time I saw her, she threw me out of her grandfather’s suite.”
“Why did she get mad at you?” Travis asked. Tucker glanced at his brother, looked away and then returned his gaze to him. “She told me we’d been more than friends for a long time, and I was just too blind to see. But she didn’t tell me about Lucas.”
Travis and Tanner glanced at each other and smiled. Then Travis cleared his throat in a way that let Tucker know he was trying to keep from laughing.
“I’m sorry, little brother. Really I am. We’ve been where you’re at, and I ache for you. Do you feel like part of you is missing? Like the one person in the world who understands and accepts you is gone? Do you hurt so deeply inside that you don’t know where the pain is coming from?”
Tucker gazed at Travis. “Yes. How did you know?”
“You’re in love, Tucker. You love Sarah,” Travis said. “Just marry the girl. You’ll feel better.”
Tucker laid his head back against the post that was supporting him. “I know. That’s why I came home. All my life I’ve wanted to be different from you two, and now I find I’m just like you. I fell in love with the woman Mother picked out for me.”
“No,” Travis said. “Mother recognized you were in love with Sarah long before you did. You picked her out, but just didn’t realize it was love you felt for Sarah.”
“But I didn’t want to get married.”
“Why?” Tanner asked. “Why are you resisting?”
“I wanted to experience the world. I didn’t want to be tied down.”
“Then, why did you come home?” Tanner asked.
“Because, damn it, all I can think about is Sarah. I wasn’t enjoying being away from her and, and”—he took a deep breath—“I realized I loved her.”
The Marshal Takes A Bride Page 25