Since the PW thing wasn’t leading anywhere, I found myself instead replaying the message again, listening for any background noise that might give me a clue as to where this mystery-caller slash threat-maker slash ruining-my-life-guy was calling from. Nada. It was like he’d called from a padded cell.
Well, if I couldn’t hear anything in the background, I’d start with what I could hear - his voice.
I played it a third time, the mechanical cadence crawling up my spine. Something about its cold, inhuman tone gave me the creeps far worse than the menacing words. The caller had gone through a lot of trouble to disguise his voice. Why? Because I’d recognize it? If so, that left two options - either someone I knew was playing a prank or it was someone famous, someone whose voice had boomed at me from the big screen countless times.
Which didn’t narrow things down a whole lot.
Time to try another tactic.
I pulled up a search engine and typed in: voice disguise. I followed the top link to a site with a list of different voice-altering programs. I hit the first one, which took me to a page called AlterAudio. For a small fee, the website promised you could change your voice from male to female, high pitched to low pitched, robotic, echo, and any other number of effects. "Create your online persona!" it touted.
I could only imagine the practical applications. How many losers were sitting at home in their underwear, chatting in Carey Grant’s voice to some unsuspecting woman?
Then again, she probably didn’t sound like Marilyn Monroe either. How did anyone ever hook up before the age of cyber lies?
I hit the "buy it now" button, cringing just a little as I charged it to the Informer’s expense account. I waited while my computer recognized their software and began loading the application onto my hard drive. Five minutes later I was hooking my pocket recorder to my computer and speaking into the end.
"Tina’s gonna catch a creep," I said. I turned on my speakers and pressed the button to play it back.
"Tina’s gonna catch a creep," my own voice told me.
Cal shot me an odd look.
I just waved back.
I adjusted the buttons to up the bass, lower the treble, and create a male voice. I hit play.
"Tina’s gonna catch a creep," some guy said.
I blinked, the cadence and intonation exactly the same as mine, but in a completely different tone. Weird.
Max popped his head up over the partition, his watery eyes going my way again.
"Just testing out some new software," I explained.
He shook his head. "You know, I remember when reporting was going out in the field with a notebook and a stubby pencil."
"Welcome to the digital age, my friend."
He shook his head again, muttering, "You kids and your machines," before he disappeared again behind the fabric partition.
Seeing how easy it was to change from female to male, I clicked another button, putting the website to the test. Mechanical voice. After fiddling with a few buttons, I crossed my fingers and hit the play button.
A robotic Tina came on, informing me I was gonna catch a creep. Unfortunately, it sounded nothing like the creep that had called me last night. Mechanical, yes. A match, no.
Undaunted, I went back to the page with the list of programs. Five others were listed. I hit the second one, instantly transported to their webpage and began downloading their package.
An hour later I’d gone through three more sites, two months of allowable expenses, and was just about to give up on this wild goose chase. Honestly, my mystery caller could have used any number of software programs. I was totally grasping here.
But, since I had nothing else to go on but grasping, I cued my audio file up one more time and put website number four, Audio Cloak, into use, once again transforming my own voice. I hit play.
A shiver went up my spine as my mystery caller said that Tina was going to catch a creep.
Audio Cloak sounded exactly like the message I’d gotten. No doubt about it, this was the one that my caller had used.
I was just about to email the webmaster and ask if anyone from PW Enterprises had used their site last night, when a sandwich dropped into the middle of my desk.
I looked up to find Cal standing over me.
“What’s that?”
“Peace offering. Salami on sourdough.”
“I hate salami.” I was totally lying. Salami was my favorite. I’d eat it every day if I wasn’t afraid of perpetual salami breath.
“You sure? You look hungry.”
I was. Starving. I poked at the white wrapper. “Where did you get it?”
He nodded his head toward the window. “Had the deli across the street deliver.”
I looked over to the spot he’d occupied all morning. A footlong, a bag of chips, and two sodas sat on the desk.
“Coke?” I asked, gesturing to one of the cups.
He nodded.
Caffeine and hoagies. I tried to resist… but I was only human.
“Hand it over,” I said, gesturing to the cup as I unwrapped my sandwich.
I thought I saw the ghost of a smile twitching his lips again.
“Don’t do that,” I said, taking a bite of my sandwich. My taste buds sighed in appreciation. Just the right blend of spicy meat, tangy mustard, and soft, pillowy sourdough. I wasn’t a particularly religious person, but I was pretty sure this was what heaven tasted like.
“Do what?” He handed me the soda.
“You’re laughing at me.”
“No, I’m not.”
I nodded, feeling my bangs bob up and down as I took a sip. “You are. You’ve been silently laughing at me ever since you got here. You think I’m being childish.”
He leaned his butt against the side of my desk, giving me a long, assessing stare. He crossed his arms over his chest, his muscles flexing. I had to admit, they were impressive muscles.
I tried not to look as unnerved as I felt.
Finally he nodded.
“Okay, yes. I think you are being childish.”
“I knew it.”
“I know this arrangement wasn’t your idea, but I think you should take this threat seriously.”
“You’re right. People get killed through the telephone all the time.”
“You have a real sarcastic streak to you, you know it?”
“It’s one of my better traits.”
“I’m serious, Tina. This isn’t the kind of thing you should take lightly.”
I opened my mouth to protest, but he held up a hand to stop me.
“Look, I know you think you can take care of yourself, that you don’t need anyone’s help, you’re a strong, independent woman, yada, yada, yada. I’ve heard it a million times.”
My turn to cross my arms over my chest. “Gee, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize we were back in the nineteenth century.”
“I’d be giving the same lecture if you were a man.”
“Yeah, I see guys getting dissed for being ‘strong independent men’ all the time.”
“You know what I mean.”
I opened my Strawberry Shortcake purse and pulled out a five.
“Actually, Cal,” I said, spitting out his name like it was dirtying my mouth, “I don’t need your help. Because I’m not in any danger. In case you haven’t noticed, we are not in a Schwartzeneger movie, there are no bad guys gunning for me, and I write about celebrity hookups, not political scandals and government corruption.” I shoved the five at him. “And I can buy my own lunch.”
He took the five, turning it over in his hands.
Finally he tucked it into his pocket and silently moved back to his desk, unwrapping his own sandwich.
I sat back down and took another bite of salami. But some of the heaven had been argued out of it.
“What’s Audio Cloak?”
I swiveled in my seat to find Allie reading over my shoulder.
Instinctively, I closed the window on my screen.
“Nothing.”
“You think that’s what he used to disguise his voice?” Cam asked, coming up behind her.
“You mean the caller?” Allie asked, her blue eyes wide.
Reluctantly, I nodded.
“How does it work?” she asked.
Man, she was a pushy little thing.
“It’s…complicated.” Which wasn’t entirely true, but considering it was Barbie I was talking to, reciting her ABC’s was probably complicated.
“Do you think that guy from PW used it?” Cam asked.
Allie turned to her. “What’s PW?”
I vaguely felt Cal perking up in the corner, but I ignored it, instead shooting Cam a silent “Shut up, shut up, shut up!” look. While I might have to share an office with Neanderthal Man, he didn’t need to know every detail of my personal business.
But Cam was either playing blonde or not receiving vibes today. “It’s the name of the company she traced the call to. PW Enterprises.”
“How did you find that out?” Allie asked.
“I’m a reporter, remember?” I answered. I think I showed great restraint for not adding, “One hired for more than her great rack.”
“So, you know who did it then?”
“Well… almost. I know where the call was made from, but not who made it. Yet,” I added, trying to save face.
“Hmm.” She pursed her lips together, a furrow forming between her perfectly plucked brows.
I knew I was going to regret asking but… “What?”
“Well, the caller did say to stop printing stories about him.”
“So?”
“So, I’d think the easiest way to generate a list of suspects would be to make a list of people you’ve written about.”
I snorted. “Look, I know you’re new here, but some of us have published quite a few articles. I write a daily column. The list would be a mile long.”
Allie blinked at me, and I wasn’t sure just how many of my subtle insults had made it through her thick blonde skull.
“He said stories. Plural,” she pointed out. “You could narrow it down to the people you’ve written multiple columns about lately.”
I hated to admit it, but the Barbie had a point. While plenty of celebs had mentions in my column, there were only a handful I’d given more than one mention to in the last few weeks. Hollywood’s attention span was about as long as an ADD-affected two-year-old’s.
“Right,” I said. “I was going to do that next.” I cleared my throat. “So, did you actually want something or just coming over to chat?”
Barbie blinked at me. “Oh. Yeah. Um, Felix said we should go to the courthouse together. Pines’s evidence trial is starting in half an hour.”
I looked down at my watch. “I’m on it.” I grabbed my purse, notebook, a ballpoint.
I felt rather than saw Cal rise from his desk, following a pace behind as I made for the elevator
“Who’s he?” Cam whispered as I hit the “down” button.
“No one.”
Cam gave him a slow appraisal, her eyes resting on the fit of his T-shirt across his broad chest. “He doesn’t look like no one.”
“He’s my insurance.”
She gave me a look, but thankfully didn’t push it.
Once we hit the parking lot, we all dispersed to our respective vehicles. Cam’s a Jeep Wrangler with mud caked into the tires. Allie skipped to one of those new little VW bugs. Powder blue. Figures. Even her car was adorable.
I unlocked my helmet and threw a leg over my bike.
“No.”
I turned to find Cal at my side, shaking his head.
“Excuse me?”
“I can’t let you ride that.”
“Hold up - you can’t let me?”
“You’re completely exposed. Not to mention how easily someone could stage an accident on something that flimsy.”
“My bike is not flimsy.”
“It’s the smallest bike I’ve ever seen. What’s it made of, plastic?”
I clenched my teeth. “I’m petite. I need a petite bike.”
“Not today you don’t.”
“Look you-“
“No, look you,” he countered, taking a step forward. Suddenly his jaw clenched, his eyes going intent. His entire demeanor shifted into something hard and dangerous. I felt my breath back up in my throat, realizing just how good at his job he must be. “I was hired to keep you safe. Which I intend to do, whether you cooperate or not. You want to go the courthouse? Fine. We do it my way.”
He gestured to his left where a huge black Hummer sat at the curb. And not one of those new SUV sized ones. This was an original tank.
“Seriously?” I asked. “A Hummer?”
“It’s safe.”
“It’s a tank. It’s probably guzzles more fuel than some small countries.”
He raised one dark eyebrow ever so slightly. “We could always go back inside?”
I looked across the parking lot at Allie, applying lip gloss as she pulled her Bug out into traffic. I clenched my teeth together. And swung my leg back over the bike, locking my helmet onto the handlebars again.
“Fine. But, you know what they say about big cars, right?” I asked as Cal opened his passenger side door for me.
“What’s that?”
“They’re compensating for something. The bigger the car the smaller their… ” I let my gaze fall to the crotch of his jeans. Then back up to give a long, meaningful look at the behemoth of a car he drove.
But instead of growling at me, the laughter returned to Rent-A-Goon’s eyes.
“Oh, yeah? And what do they say about girls who drive hot pink Hondas?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “I’ve never met anyone ballsy enough to tell me.”
The corner of his mouth quirked up. “Somehow, I believe that, Bender.”
* * *
Next to the sentencing, the Pines evidence trial was a downright snoozer. Cops had found the kiddie porn in Pines’s backseat, partially shoved under an old copy of Variety. The ‘partially’ was the sticky word that had granted Pines’s defense attorneys a hearing. Just how much had been exposed? Enough that the police had seen it was young boys, or just a naked person? Did they have probable cause for investigating the car?
I had to hand it to Pines’s lawyer - the guy had a way of asking the same question so many different ways that the arresting officer began to doubt his own story. As the afternoon dragged on, he went from, “Yes, sir,” to “I really can’t recall now.” I feared just how fuzzy his memory might get by the time the actual trial started.
In the end, the magazines were allowed into evidence. Not really a shocker. We all knew there was no way Pines was getting off that easily.
As soon as the gavel fell, I stood and stretched my legs. Four hours on a hard, wooden chair had caused my right foot to fall asleep. I stomped on it as I made my way from the courtroom with the rest of the news hounds.
“That was so freaking cool!”
I turned to find Allie at my side, eyes shinning. Throughout the entire boring proceeding, she’d been scribbling in a pink, floral notebook like a demon.
“Cool? We’re lucky we didn’t go into a coma.”
“But the way they got down to every little detail. Didn’t you find that fascinating?”
Was she for real?
“Sure. Fascinating. Like paint drying.”
We pushed our way outside, blinking back the assaulting sunshine. I squinted and noticed Cal’s Hummer right away. He was semi-legally parked at the curb, leaning against the passenger side, his eyes covered in dark sunglasses that reflected the glass courthouse building back at me in blinding clarity. He looked like a hitman. Or The Rock. Either way, the pedestrians on the sidewalk were giving him a wide berth.
Allie pulled a pair of designer sunglasses from her bag and slid them onto her nose, turning to me. “So, Felix told me this was originally your story.”
“It is my story,” I agreed, emphasizing the prese
nt tense.
“Right. And I don’t want to step on your toes or anything.”
“Thank you.” I think that was the first smart thing she’d said.
“So, when I type up our notes tonight, I’ll put your name first on the byline, ‘k?”
I felt my eyes narrow. “What do you mean you’re typing up our notes?”
“You know, the ones we took during the hearing just now?”
“That was a no-brainer. Evidence in. I didn’t take any notes.”
She cocked her head to one side, her blonde hair cascading over her right shoulder like a shampoo commercial. “Huh. Well, then I guess I’ll be typing up my notes. See you tomorrow, Bender.”
For a second, I swore a glimmer of triumph sparked her eyes, and I suddenly found myself wondering if maybe the blonde wasn’t as dumb as I’d originally thought.
Before I could protest, she’d turned on her kitten heels and was sashaying to her tiny little bug.
I clenched my jaw. So help me, if I wasn’t being watched by a dozen security cameras right now…
“Ready to go?”
I turned to find Cal behind me, hands in his pockets.
“More than ready.”
Because I had a sinking feeling that if I didn’t get my version of the hearing in to Felix tonight, there was a strong chance blondie might conveniently forget my name on that byline.
* * *
By the time Cal dropped me back off at my bike and insisted on following me home, it was dark and I was starving. Luckily, Aunt Sue had actually remembered the lasagna recipe. Unluckily, she’d forgotten to take it out of the oven. I pushed through the front door and into a thick cloud of marinara-flavored smoke. Coughing, I staggered through the kitchen, removed the offending casserole - which resembled a charred brick now - and opened up all the windows.
“Peanut, that you?” Aunt Sue called from the living room. I could hear the strains of the Price is Right on the Game Show Network in the background.
“It’s me. How long has this lasagna been in the oven?”
“I put in just after Deal or no Deal.”
Five hours. No wonder the place reeked.
Hollywood Scandals Page 4