The Secret Crush

by Sarah M. Ross

  “See ya.”

  I threw the rest of my salad away and left the cafeteria with Piper. We actually didn’t have class for the rest of the day now, but I was glad she’d gotten me out of that awkward conversation with Brent. I zipped up my jacket and swirled a thick bright red scarf around my neck before heading outside.

  “You want to grab a coffee before heading back to our room?” she asked.

  “Yea. That sounds perfect. And a cupcake. After dealing with that, I need a cupcake.”

  We ordered and plopped into the soft leather couches by the window. It wasn’t very crowded today, just three or four other people at a few tables studying. I slipped my jacket off, but kept the scarf. It was cashmere and a present from my grandma last Christmas. It was so soft. I could probably wear it every day.

  “All right,” Piper started, taking a bite of the red velvet cupcake she picked out. “Let’s forget about Brent and talk secret crush.”

  “Good idea! I need something positive to talk about.”

  “Wait, I just had a horrible thought.” Piper set her cupcake down. “What if Brent is your secret crush?”

  The words hit me like a Mack truck. “No. He couldn’t be.”

  “Think about it,” she pressed. “Your secret crush is someone who insists he can’t reveal who he is because you don’t see the ‘real him yet. It makes sense if it were Brent. Right now, you still see that skank Becca with him every time you look at him. And the hurt is still fresh. So maybe he’s thinking that you’ll take him back or something if he does this elaborate crush thing.”

  She made a good point, but I refused to believe it was true. I couldn’t. “No. I’ve kissed Brent hundreds of times. The kiss that I had on Saturday was nothing like Brent’s. Nothing.”

  Piper licked a bit of cream cheese frosting from her thumb. “You said yourself it was a very brief kiss. Maybe you just didn’t get enough of a sample to tell.”

  Crap. It couldn’t be. I refused to believe it. “The voice was different, too. I know it was only a whisper, but it wasn’t Brent. I would have recognized his voice.”

  “That’s easy enough to alter though, Hadley. You can buy those little machines that change your voice on Amazon.”

  I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to remember any small detail I could that would refute that my secret crush was Brent. They were both tall and broad, and both had large hands. But my crush’s lips were soft, and Brent’s never were. Too much time outdoors playing football made them chapped, especially in the fall and winter.

  “Then who else could it be? Let’s say for now it’s not Brent. Who exactly does that leave?” Piper must have seen the pained expression on my face, and I was very happy when she went another route with the conversation.

  “Well, it has to be someone I’ve known since freshman year. Someone tall, soft lips, broad shoulders. Lean. His whisper was a low pitch—”

  “No, you can’t use voice. That could be altered too easily.”

  “Um…” I sighed as dozens of faces flashed in my mind. It was so hard to narrow it down. “I just don’t know. There’s something about him that makes me think I know him, but I can’t put my finger on exactly what. It’s like, I know him, but I don’t know him. Ugh! I just want figure out who he is already.”

  “Let me ask you this. If whoever it was were to reveal themselves to you, today, what would you do? Go out with him? Would it even matter who it is?”

  I thought about her question for a few minutes as I sipped my latte. “I think that as long as it’s not Brent, and as long as it’s a person who isn’t some giant douche canoe, then yes, I’d agree to go on a date with them at least. Get to know them better.”

  “Even if the person isn’t someone you were attracted to.”

  “That’s just the thing. I am attracted to him.” I thought about all the things he’d already done. My favorite flowers… the sweet words in the letter…more romantic things than my last two boyfriends combined. “It doesn’t matter what he looks like. I’m attracted to him as a person.”

  Piper smiled, pulling her knees up. “What if the person is someone you see as just a friend?”

  I shrugged. “Yes, absolutely. That means I already think he’s a pretty good person. That would probably help, actually.”

  “All right. So let’s talk choices. Who do you hope it is?”

  “Anyone but Brent.” I laughed.

  Piper crossed her arms. “I’m serious. Throw out some names. Just list some people. Anyone you could put on a list of possibilities. Maybe if we come up with a few names, we can use that to narrow it down with the clues we already know and any future clues you receive.”

  Forty-five minutes later, instead of doing anything actually productive, Piper and I had narrowed it down to a list of fifteen guys we each thought could possibly be my secret crush. Though, honestly, Piper came up with most of them, and I was pretty doubtful about a lot of the names on the list. They ranged from close friends like Aiden and Ethan to guys I barely spoke to, like Carter Jennings or DeAndre Watson from my statistics class. For fun, we even made a side list of possible TAs and professors who it might be, knowing it was against the rules to date a student. Being a secret crush made total sense for someone like that.

  Piper placed the list we’d written in front of me. “Okay, we have about a dozen viable options. Let’s narrow some down. First, I saw Carter making out with Zoe Atkinson on the haunted hayride, so it’s probably safe to say it’s not him.”

  “That’s a good bet.” I studied the list. “Any of these other guys have girlfriends? Or at least hookups recently? Like since all this started?”

  After another twenty minutes of Instagram, Vine, and Facebook searches, we moved two more off the list.

  We were still left with ten names, and no real idea who it could be. I threw my empty cup away. “I hate just waiting around for more clues. I really wish I could just know now.”

  Piper bit her nails and stared out the window. She was thinking of something, and as smart as she was, I knew it might be the answer to my problems.

  “What was it he said to you in the haunted house?”

  “He said, ‘There were some things that can’t be expressed in a note and are better said face to face.’”

  Piper grinned like the Cheshire cat. “I have the perfect idea.”

  CHAPTER TEN

  I SANK DOWN IN MY desk chair in my dorm, trying to keep my eyes open as I stared vacantly at my accounting textbook. There was an important test coming up that, based on the sad state of my notes, I was probably going to fail. I rubbed my temples in a vain attempt to ward off the headache that nagged behind my eyes as my phone pinged with an alert. It was a SnapChat “my story” notification: Hadley had updated her status. I swiped to open the app, happy to have another excuse to avoid studying, and couldn’t believe what she posted.

  Hadley had written an open letter to her secret crush. To me. I read over it, and then re-read it.

  “If some things can’t be expressed in a letter, and are better said face to face, then I want to see your face for real this time. 10PM. The Dock. If you don’t show, that will reveal your true colors.”

  I glanced at the time on my phone. It was eight forty-five now. She wasn’t giving me a whole lot of time to figure this out. A thousand thoughts raced through my mind, and suddenly I was as nervous as my first date in eighth grade. Why did she want to see me? I had a feeling this was some sort of setup, but could I risk not showing?

  I had to go. I couldn’t not show up. But I also couldn’t go as myself. I had planned how I was going to reveal myself to her, and doing it like this was not a part of that plan.

  My eyes scanned note again as I tried to formulate a plan. She wanted to meet at The Dock, a makeshift fishing pier that had one small bench on it that sat near the stream deep behind the Biology building. No one actually fished there. I was pretty sure the only people who ever even used it were couples looking for a private place to make out and bi
ology professors who collected samples from the stream to study.

  I stood up and paced the length of my small room, glad my roommate wasn’t there for once. Shit. What was I going to do? She’d put me on the spot. And of course I wanted to see her. I always wanted to see her, but not like this.

  I dug through my closet, looking for anything that could mask my identity. I came up with a black hoodie, baseball hat, a plain black scarf and a masquerade style mask that I’d picked up as a souvenir from Spring Break in New Orleans my freshman year. It covered most of my face, leaving only my eyes, mouth, and jaw exposed. I hoped using all of these— and the fact that The Dock had no lights—would keep my identity a secret.

  I turned my phone on silent and shoved it in my back pocket. I stepped into my shoes and grabbed my keys before heading out the door.

  The Dock was over a mile from my dorm, but I didn’t want to risk Hadley seeing my truck and figuring out who I was, so I decided to walk. I was a half an hour early, but I wanted to stake the area out, make sure I wasn’t being set up for an ambush or something.

  I walked the parameter and found no signs that anyone was waiting in the wings with a hidden camera or anything, so I found a large oak tree and knelt behind it, waiting for Hadley to show up. It wasn’t even five minutes later when I heard a rustling of the leaves on the ground.

  Hadley swung a flashlight back and forth as she scanned the area. I ducked down further, flipping my hood up over my head, hoping she didn’t see me. After a minute, she walked up to The Dock and sat on the edge of the small bench there. She pulled out her phone and placed it up to her ear.

  “Hey, Piper. I’m here. Is everything ready?” She paused. “Okay. Perfect. I’ll let you know.” Another pause. “Nervous. Excited. Mostly excited.” She pulled the phone away from her ear and looked at it. “Another five minutes or so. Okay. Great. I’ll give you the signal. Bye.”

  Hadley hung up the phone and tucked it back in the pocket of her jacket, placing her hands in her lap. She blew out a breath and glanced around, most likely looking for me. I could see from my vantage point that her knee was bouncing up and down nervously, but it was her phone conversation that worried me. What had she and Piper planned? I was pretty sure I was being set up somehow, but I didn’t know how. Or for that matter, what I could do about it at this point. I was already here. I was supposed to meet her any minute. I didn’t have time to make a plan B anymore. I just had to go for it and hope that I could keep my secret safe for a little while longer.

  I slipped the mask and scarf on, made sure my hair was hidden inside my baseball cap, and pulled my hood back up.

  Here goes nothing.

  I was a nervous wreck. Piper had come up with this ingenious idea, but I had no idea if we could actually pull it off. There were a lot of “What ifs” that could blow up everything in a heartbeat. What if he hadn’t seen my Snapchat update? What if he had other plans and couldn’t come? What if he didn’t want to come for some reason?

  A million thoughts raced through my mind as I sat on the cold, wooden bench. My knees were bouncing up and down a million times a minute as I waited for him to arrive. A breeze blew by, and I shivered, making me wish I’d brought my scarf. Or a heavier jacket. I wonder if we’re going to get our first snowfall soon.

  “Are you cold, Hadley?” he whispered.

  I jumped at the voice, even thought it was quiet, and swung my head around to see who was talking. It was too dark to see much of anything.

  “Did I startle you? I’m sorry. I thought you were expecting me.”

  “I was,” I said, standing now. I squinted against the dark sky, wishing there were fewer clouds out tonight. Or that I’d at least thought to pick a spot with better lighting. This is a stupid plan…

  “So why have you asked me to come?”

  I shrugged a bit. “Hey, a girl’s gotta take matters into her own hands sometimes. I was tired of waiting for another clue, so I decided to make one of my own.”

  He chuckled quietly. “Touché.”

  A second later, he appeared. I held my breath, hoping to finally see his face, but once again he wore a mask and didn’t speak above a whisper.

  “Have I disappointed you, Hadley? Who were you hoping to see come out of the shadows just now?”

  I crossed my arms over my chest. “I was hoping to see your face. That you’d had enough of this game and were ready to finally admit who you are.”

  “Who do you think I am?”

  “A friend. But I can’t tell who. I need…. I just can’t figure out who.” I threw up my hands. “Gah! Why won’t you just tell me who you are already?” I sat back down on the bench, irritated that this wasn’t going the way I’d hoped it would.

  He moved a few steps closer. “Can I tell you a story, Hadley?”

  I nodded, but didn’t look up.

  “I’ve told you before that I’ve known you since we were freshman. Let me tell you about the first time I realized how amazing you are. It was a random Friday night in early March, just before spring break our freshman year. Classes were finished, and everyone was ready to get out of here. I’d seen you at a party, but you weren’t having a good time, for some reason. You looked…preoccupied. Your mind was somewhere else. You had a drink in your hand, but hadn’t even taken a single sip.”

  “Wait, you remember a specific party from freshman year and the fact that I had a beer but didn’t drink any of it?” Either this was creepy or he remembered for a reason, and before I lost faith in my Mr. Darcy, I let him continue, praying it wasn’t the former.

  “Yes, I do remember. And there’s a reason, I promise.”

  “Not ‘cuz you’re a creepy stalker?”

  He chuckled again, shaking his head. “No, Hadley. At least, I hope you don’t think I’m creepy. Have I made you nervous somehow?”

  I shook my head. “No.”

  “Good.” He paused for a second. “Anyway, you kept biting your lip and looking back at the door. Everyone was dancing and drinking except you, so I asked you what was wrong. You told me that you’d walked to the party that night, and on your way, you passed a homeless woman and she’d asked you if you had any socks. Not money. Socks. You told her sorry, but no, and continued on your way. But the woman haunted you, and you couldn’t shake what she’d said. So you left the party, left all your friends, and went to the store to buy the woman a large pack of warm socks.

  “I remember Piper asking you where you’d disappeared to the next day, and you told the whole story. After you left the store, you couldn’t find the homeless woman. She wasn’t in the same spot you first encountered her, so you walked up and down every street in the area for a half hour until you found her.”

  “I can’t believe you remember all that,” I said. I couldn’t remember telling anyone about Hazel. I hadn’t seen her since freshman year.

  He moved onto the dock and sat down next to me. My fingers itched to take his mask off, but I didn’t move them from my sides.

  “That’s when I first realized you weren’t just beautiful on the outside, Hadley. You were drop dead gorgeous on the inside. And that’s when I knew that I’d be the luckiest son of a bitch in the world to have you by my side.”

  I fought back the tears welling in my eyes. “I used to see Hazel every week. I brought her a few things from the thrift shop. A blanket, an old jacket, things like that. I’d always bring her peanut butter and honey sandwiches. They were her favorite. I’d pack two, giving her the second before I left, telling her she couldn’t eat the other one until morning, but as soon as I’d turn to leave she’d rip into the baggie and have half of it gone before I was out of earshot. When I came back sophomore year, I looked for her, but never found her. One of the local shopkeepers told me they thought she got a spot at a shelter over in Bentmore, across town. I always hoped it was true, and that they let her eat as many sandwiches as she wanted.”

  He reached over and placed his hand atop mine, giving it a squeeze. “And that’s why you’
ll continue to be the girl of my dreams, Hadley.”

  We sat side by side for a while, our shoulders touching and his hand in mine. Neither of us said anything as I remembered sweet Hazel. After a bit, I tilted my head and rested it on his shoulder, surprised at how comfortable this all felt.

  “I have to ask you something, Hadley.”

  “Okay.”

  “Do you remember who you told about Hazel at that party?”

  I thought back, but no one came to mind. I remembered being at the party and leaving the party, but I didn’t actually remember talking to anyone about what happened. “No,” I admitted.

  He sighed. “That’s why I can’t tell you who am yet. When I finally tell you, I don’t want to be some faceless memory of a guy you once knew. I want you to look at me and imagine us together. Imagine our possibilities. I want your face to light up when you see me come into a room rather than just have your eyes sweep past me. Do you understand that?”

  “I get your concerns. Really, I do. But if you were to take off your mask right now, my eyes would light up. I would have a smile that spread from ear to ear. I promise.”

  He reached up, unwrapping the scarf he wore from around his neck. He swirled it around my own, immediately blanketing me in warmth. It smelled like him: a unique blend of leather and soap and the earth that reminded me of horseback riding or something. It was a bit spicy, but not enough to crinkle my nose. It was…mouthwatering.

  My thoughts shifted when his thumb caressed my cheek. My eyes searched in the dark, trying to see through his masked face, searching for answers, but he was still hidden by too many shadows to recognize any features.

  He lifted my face with both of his hands, and my breath stilled. He held my face in his hands for a full minute as we had an unspoken conversation. My eyes begged him to kiss me. To end the game. To trust me.

  From the tiny movements at the corner of his mouth, he seemed to be warring with himself. His mouth would open slightly before he clamped it shut again. Tiny frowns followed by the tip of his tongue darting out, licking his bottom lip.