by L A Cotton
“Night, Mya.”
“Night, Asher.”
Silence enveloped us and it wasn’t long before Mya’s breathing evened out. I was tired too, but I didn’t want to sleep. Not yet. I wanted to soak up her being here, in my arms. She might have needed the friend label for now, but as I lay there, listening to her little snores, I made a silent promise to myself.
One day Mya would call me more than just ‘friend’.
I woke to an empty bed. Limbs heavy with the lingering trace of sleep, I pushed up onto one elbow. “Mya?”
Nothing.
Rolling over, I fumbled on the nightstand and grabbed my cell phone. My heart sank at the text message on the screen.
* * *
Mya: Sorry I bailed. Needed to get back… I’ll see you soon though xo
* * *
Me: You ran.
* * *
Mya: I didn’t, I promise. I just… I need time. You said you could give that to me.
* * *
I wanted to tell her to stop fighting it, but I didn’t want to push her away. It was bad enough she’d snuck out on me this morning.
* * *
Me: I won’t let you run, Mya…
* * *
Mya: I’ll see you soon, okay?
* * *
Me: Yeah, whatever.
* * *
I threw my cell down on the bed and flopped back against the pillows. Last night had felt like a breakthrough. Mya had finally let down her walls enough for me to clamber over the side. But I should have known it was only temporary. She was too hung up on her ex, on all the reasons we couldn’t work. I didn’t want to be second string… not again.
I’d watched Flick fall hopelessly in love with my best friend. The first girl I’d ever felt something real for, even though I’d known any hope of us was doomed from the start. Mya was different though. Sure, there were obstacles but nothing worth having came easy.
I was prepared to fight for her.
But I couldn’t be the only one willing to go all in.
Mya
I ran.
Again.
This time I wasn’t running away from people who had the power to hurt me though. I was running from the one person who wanted to heal me.
Waking up wrapped in Asher’s arms had been a harsh reality check. I couldn’t keep running; it was time to move on. To put the past behind me and get closure on that part of my life. The only catch was I knew it meant I had to go home.
“I’ve been thinking,” I said as Aunt Ciara plated up bacon and eggs. “I want to go home for Christmas.”
She clucked her tongue. “Mya, you know that’s not—”
“Hear me out, okay?” I grabbed the glass of juice and took a big swallow. “I’m done with Jermaine, with that life. But I need closure, Auntie. I need him to know it’s over, once and for all.”
“Your mama isn’t going to like it.”
“She’ll understand. I need to go back and make things right.” Because while Jermaine had been the reason I’d run, I didn’t doubt he thought I’d betrayed him.
After all, I had just up and left. If our roles were reversed, I’d want answers too.
“I’d ask you to come but...”
“Ain’t never going to step foot in that place again, and neither should you, girl. You’re free of that life now.” Her expression softened, eyes glazed with unshed tears. “I know you think you have to do this, Mya, but you don’t owe that boy nothing.”
She was wrong though. I might not have owed it to him, but I did owe it to myself to do this.
Jermaine had once been everything to me. Best friend. Protector. Lover. You didn’t just get over the kind of history we shared. And if I was truly going to give Asher a chance, give anyone else a chance, I needed to put Jermaine in the past once and for all.
First stop: getting a new cell phone number. Second stop: visiting Mom and saying a proper goodbye to my friends.
“This isn’t about him, Aunt C. It’s about me. My life is here now. But if I’m going to truly move on, I need to do this.”
“Your mama will probably already have plans with Keelan.”
“I know. I was thinking I’d go as soon as possible. That way I can avoid their plans and be here with you on Christmas Day.”
Mom and Keelan’s relationship was complicated. He’d never lived with us, but he’d had my mom eating out of the palm of his hand for as long as I could remember. They met when she started working at his club, The Diamond. Everyone in our neighborhood knew Keelan King. He’d once ruled the streets until he’d finally moved into more legitimate businesses. He still ruled his club with an iron fist. No gang activity. No drugs. And no touching his dancers.
For a neighborhood in Badlands, Mom could have ended up with much worse.
But I still didn’t like him. I didn’t like the way he held so much power over her. Money talked though, and it was something we’d never had enough of. Mom liked to think she was his queen, but I saw it for what it was; a man taking advantage of the situation. You didn’t walk away from someone like Keelan; he decided when he was done with you.
“I don’t like it,” Aunt Ciara said. “But I won’t stop you. Just be careful. After what happened before…”
“I’ve got this, I promise.” It was only a couple of days. I’d visit my mom, see my friends, and try to talk to Jermaine before I left. If I called Shona and let her know to keep it on the down-low, there was no reason everyone had to find out I was back unless I wanted them to.
“I’m proud of you, you know?”
“You are?” I asked.
“Damn straight, I am. People think walking away is the easy way out but it’s the other way around. Staying is easy, it’s walking away that’s hard. I know you care deeply for that boy but sometimes love isn’t enough.”
She didn’t need to tell me that.
It wasn’t enough for Keelan to make a real commitment to Mom, and it hadn’t been enough to make Jermaine make better life choices. It wasn’t enough for Mr. Bennet to respect his son’s hopes and dreams, and it wasn’t enough to make me stand by and watch Jermaine throw away his life.
But coming here, to Rixon, I’d also seen glimpses of when it was enough. It was enough for my aunt to take me in, no questions asked. It was enough for Jason to put his future on the line for Felicity, and it was enough for Asher to try to protect his mom.
Sometimes love was enough.
I just hadn’t had the fortune of experiencing it much yet.
At least if I put Jermaine behind me once and for all, I could carve my own path, decide who was worthy of my love.
“Mya?”
“Y- yes?” I blinked over at my aunt.
“Where’d you go just now?”
“Nowhere, Auntie.” Forcing a smile, I stuffed a piece of bacon into my mouth, swallowing the lie. Because I had been somewhere.
I’d been wrapped in Asher Bennet’s arms. Content. Happy.
Safe.
“I can’t believe you’re leaving.” Flick frowned, watching as I stuffed a clean pair of jeans into a backpack.
“I’m not leaving,” I said. “I’m getting closure.”
“Closure, right. And this closure wouldn’t happen to have anything to do with a certain Raider who I know you spent the night with, would it?”
“He told Jason?” My eyes almost bugged out, my stomach knotted into a tight ball.
“No, he didn’t tell Jason. Asher wouldn’t do that to you. Your aunt asked me how the sleepover at my house went last night. I put two and two together.”
“Crap, you didn’t—”
“Drop you in it? Of course not. I told her we had a great time braiding each other’s hair and baking cookies.”
“Very funny.” I balled up a t-shirt and threw it at her. Flick caught it, her shoulders shaking with laughter.
“So… what happened?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“That bad, huh?”
Letting out an exasperated breath, I sat in the chair. “It wasn’t bad… it was…”
“Ooh, something happened.” She clapped her hands, excitement dancing in her eyes. “Tell me something happened.”
“It’s not a big deal.”
Felicity’s brows crinkled. “If it wasn’t a big deal, you wouldn’t be acting so shady. Spill…”
“We kissed and then he… uh, there was some groping. Clothed groping.”
“Because that makes all the difference.” She rolled her eyes. “Did you… you know?”
“Come? Maybe… possibly…” Heat crept into my cheeks.
My friend let out a squeal of delight. “This is so exciting. Wait,” her frown reappeared, “why don’t you seem as excited about this development as I am?”
“Because it’s complicated.”
“Because of your ex?”
“Among other things.”
“You’re still hung up about the race thing? Because I’m telling you, no one will bat an eye if the two of you hook up.”
But they would.
Asher was a white privileged athlete, with good grades and a bright future ahead of him. A future I was almost certain the town wouldn’t want tainted by their beloved Raider hooking up with the poor Latina girl from the hood.
“I’m not getting into this again.” I sighed, resuming packing my bag. “I’m going home for a couple of days to see my mom and friends. Some space might do us good.”
“Does Asher know about this?”
“I don’t need his permission, Flick.” My tone was defensive.
“I’m not suggesting you do. But you’ve got to see it from his point of view. It looks like you’re running.”
“He said the same thing.” I pressed my lips together.
“At least explain it to him. Otherwise, he’s likely to think you’re running back to your ex.”
“I would never—”
“I know that and you know that, but he doesn’t know that.”
“Fine,” I conceded. “I’ll text him.”
“Good. Then hurry up and do whatever you need to do so you can get back here and we can celebrate.”
“We’re celebrating?”
“Hells yeah,” she shrieked. “This is huge. And perfect. We can all hang out now without anyone feeling left out and New York will be even better once you and Asher—”
“Whoa, slow down there. I’m not sure where this thing with Asher is going to go, Flick.”
“Oh hush, you want him. He wants you. What’s to figure out?”
If only life were that easy.
“Please don’t say anything to anyone, not yet.” My expression turned serious. “I’m not ready for anyone to know yet. That means Jason too.”
“Can I at least tell Hailee? She’ll be so happy for you.”
“Felicity,” I groaned.
“Fine.” She held up her hands. “My lips are sealed. You deserve to be happy, Mya, with someone who will treat you right.”
Her words hit me right between the chest, but I brushed them off. “I need to finish packing. Are you going to help or keep up the Dr. Phil routine?” My brow rose.
“Hey, I only care about you.”
Stopped dead in my tracks by her admission, I gave her a sad smile. “I know, I’m sorry. I guess I’m more nervous about going home than I thought I would be.”
“So, don’t go.”
“I have to,” I said defiantly. “It’s just something I have to do.”
It was over an hour’s ride to the city. I’d stuffed in my earbuds and hit play on one of my favorite playlists. It didn’t distract me enough though and before I knew it, I’d opened my chat history with Asher, re-reading our most recent messages.
Just like Felicity had warned me, he hadn’t taken the news I was returning home for a couple of days well.
* * *
Asher: What the fuck, Mya? I thought you were done with him?
* * *
Me: I am. That’s why I have to do this. I’m not trying to hurt you and I’m not going back there to fix things with him. But I need closure. Surely you can understand that?
* * *
Asher: I don’t know what to think right now. I woke up after one of the best nights of my life to find you gone and now I find out you’re leaving town. It feels a lot like you’re running to me.
* * *
That one hurt.
Because although I hadn’t told him yet, last night had also meant something to me. More than I ever thought it would. Which is why I had to do this.
A clean break.
My thumb scrolled the messages down to my last reply, the one that had gone unanswered.
* * *
Me: You said you’d wait for me… I’m asking you to keep your word.
* * *
Dropping my head back against the headrest, I closed my eyes and let Rihanna’s lyrics wash over me. It was fitting she was singing to me about loving someone even though you hated it. Time and distance had made me realize I felt like that about Jermaine. When we’d been younger, I’d loved him the way a sister loved a brother. Then as we grew, I saw him differently. Watched him change from a kid to a young man, and my love evolved. I’d wanted him with every fiber of my being. But loving Jermaine came at a price. One that had felt worth it at first, but as time passed, became too high. And slowly, over time, my love for him twisted into something dark and ugly. A lot like the love Rihanna and Eminem began singing about.
The only difference between mine and Jermaine’s relationship, and the one in the song? I’d never loved the way he’d lied. I’d just loved him. Let my love for him blind me to the truth.
Jermaine was never going to choose me over his reputation. It was the one battle I couldn’t win, no matter how hard I fought.
My cell phone bleeped and my heart kicked up a notch, hoping to see Asher’s name flash across the screen, sinking when it wasn’t.
* * *
Shona: Where u at?
* * *
Me: Just outside Kessington. C U soon xo
* * *
Shona: We got some catchin up to do, girl. Party at mine 2nite?
* * *
Me: Shona, come on… you know I can’t b parading around like that
* * *
Shona: It’s my house. We’ll keep it low key. Besides, Jesse is home. He’ll look out for us. Plsssss. I’ve missed you, girl…
* * *
Me: I’ve missed u 2 xo
* * *
I silenced my incoming notifications and watched as the semi-familiar streets became streets so familiar I could pick out every other store. I hadn’t given much thought to what it would feel like to return but now I was here, I realized how strange it felt.
How it didn’t feel like home anymore, not even a little bit.
Asher
“Son,” my father’s deep voice echoed over the line.
“Dad,” I clipped out, spinning the football with one hand.
“We’ll be back in town in a couple of days. Your mother wants to decorate and have dinner, just like old times.” There was a hint of sarcasm in his words.
“Old times, right.”
“Asher, could you be a little more interested please? This is important to her.”
“Of course, Dad. Whatever Mom needs.”
“We’ll be in town for the remainder of the holidays. I don’t have to be back in the city until January fourth.”
“That long?”
That was a little over two weeks away. I hadn’t survived two weeks with my parents in what felt like forever.
“Your mom had hoped we could all spend New Year’s together.”
“Actually, about that. The guys want to go to New York. Vaughn and Riley invited us. I thought we could—”
“Very well, I’ll arrange the penthouse. Just the five of you?”
“Six, I think.”
“Six?”
“Felicity’s friend Mya is comi
ng with us.”
“Ah yes, the new transfer. Is she someone you have your eye on?” He cut straight to the point in true Andrew Bennet fashion.
“Can we not do this, Dad, please?”
He scoffed. “It’s a perfectly reasonable question, Asher. You’re eighteen, a young man, and you have yet to bring home a girl for us to meet.”
Because you’re never home and I would never willingly introduce my girlfriend to you. “That’s because I haven’t found anyone I want to bring home yet.”
“So you and Miss...” he hesitated.
“Hernandez.”
“Hernandez? Are her family immigrants?”
“Excuse me?” I choked out.
“It’s a South American name is it not?”
“Oh my god,” I breathed. “You’re serious.”
“It’s a perfectly reasonable qu—”
“Actually, Dad, it’s not. It’s presumptuous and irrelevant.”
“It’s hardly irrelevant if you have plans to date the girl,” his tone was scathing.
My blood boiled beneath my skin. All this time I’d been reassuring Mya that her skin color wasn’t an issue, failing to realize that it might be a problem for my own father and his ideas of my future.
“And if I do want to date her?”
Silence filled the line, making my body tense. Finally, my old man released a heavy breath. “I’m a man of my word, Son,” he said. “You still have until the end of senior year. But just remember, Asher, the mistakes you make now will follow you into adulthood.”
I wanted to ask what the fuck that was supposed to mean but I didn’t want to enrage him. Not when he and Mom seemed to be going through a calm period. The fact she wanted to decorate for the holidays was a telltale sign things were okay between them.