by Clara Nipper
Ellis studied me. I felt like wood. My eyes felt like specimens in jars.
“C’mon home, Half.” Sayan threaded her arm through my rigid one and gently tugged me into the house. “Go on, lie down. I’ll fix you a little something.” Sayan pushed me onto their king-sized bed and wiped her own leaking eyes. With her sodden tissue in one hand and a blanket in the other, Sayan covered me up to my neck. She closed the door behind her, leaving me in the silent darkness. I lay, immobile, listening to the soft purr of Ellis’s and Sayan’s voices in the kitchen.
Soon, Sayan returned with a tray. There was a shrimp po’ boy, chips, and an orange soda. She set the tray on the floor. I sat up and Sayan sat next to me.
“You know,” Sayan said, shrugging, “Just in case you are hungry.”
I was unresponsive. I dared to dart my eyes to Sayan, who was massaging her stomach.
“Oh!” Sayan groaned. “This got to be a boy ’cause he’s kicking my butt from the inside out. Thought I’d name him Cleo.” Sayan noticed my eyes on her. “Oh, baby.” Sayan’s hands flew to my face and I jerked away with a gasp. I stared at Sayan, furious and panting. Our eyes locked. Sayan began weeping, shaking her head. I didn’t look away as two large tears rolled down my own cheeks.
“It’s okay,” Sayan said. “It’s okay. Let it out. It’s okay.”
“No.” My voice was steel.
“You’ve got to. It’s not good for you. Come be with us. Be together with your family.”
“No.”
“Well, that’s just fine,” Sayan said, dashing her hands across her face. “Don’t think of anyone but yourself. Do you know what we’ve been through while you were gone?” Sayan’s voice cracked. “Ellis thought he had lost you too. How dare you be so selfish?”
I lay down, turning my back to Sayan, who struggled to stand.
“I can’t,” I moaned.
“Sure.” Sayan closed the door behind her.
I heard the phone ringing. I heard visitors arrive. I heard wailing. I heard Drew shouting. I willed myself into unconsciousness.
When I opened my eyes, it was dark and I knew someone was in the room. “Cleo?” I asked.
“Naw, T, it’s me,” Ellis answered.
I sat up. I could barely see Ellis but I felt his calm sorrow. He wasn’t jagged and fragile like I was. For once, pussy and cigarettes and booze wouldn’t blunt my pain, but I wanted them anyway. I heard the commotion of grieving all through the house.
“Where’s my hat?” I said.
Ellis stood and handed it to me from the dresser. It was still damp and slightly misshapen. He also laid the box of dominoes on the bed. I looked away.
“I know you need to leave and it’s okay. Here.” Ellis dropped some cash. “Don’t get proud, it’s what I owe you for working.”
I nodded, my face burning.
“Well,” Ellis sighed, “See ya.” He hugged me roughly. I closed my eyes. As soon as the door closed, I folded the blanket and force-fed myself the lunch Sayan made. I wasn’t hungry but I knew I needed fuel. I gathered the hat, the dominoes, and the money and slipped unseen out the back door. I walked into town straight to the bus station. I bought a one-way ticket to New Orleans.
Once there, I asked a cabbie to take me where the whores were. He took me to the Quarter. After I paid him, I found a liquor store and a terrible, run-down dive called the Royale and checked in. I placed my hat on the nightstand, the dominoes on the desk, and I lay down. I lit up a cigarette and drank gin straight from the bottle. Both the smoke and the alcohol were sweet going down. The street noise provided enough distraction so I left the television off. After a while, I opened the box of dominoes, removed one and returned to bed. There I lay, swigging booze, smoking, and sniffing the domino.
I kept myself poisoned and insensible to the point of losing track of days. I lived at the seedy hotel with my door open because nothing could hurt me. I had no fear left of anything that might come after me. My open door dared something to try. I didn’t even need the warning of a knock on a closed door. Plus, it helped pizza deliveries find their way and it facilitated a great many tipsy friendships. With my door open, the lively, monkey, chattering drunks wandered in, told their life stories and ended up sobbing and being comforted by my room-temperature Tanqueray. I was popular because I never said a word, I had a free hand with money and a heavy hand when pouring drinks. Soon, every resident ended up in my room each evening. There was warm camaraderie, blissful group singing, and the center of it all, there I was like a black hole. When I rolled cigarettes, my hands shook but no one asked why. Everyone’s hands shook who lived at the Royale. My eyes felt like ice picks. My head began to grow fuzzy hair and I never changed my clothes. I had Cleo’s blood on my shirt, but none of the stew bums asked me about it.
One night, during a party of gleeful drinking, wise advising of what was wrong with the world and exactly how to fix it, and big-headed boasting, I opened my box of dominoes.
“C’mon, let’s play bones!” I shouted, cutting the din to absolute silence. The first words I had spoken. They all stared at me, uncertain.
“You there, get a table. You, what’s your name, find some chairs! Let’s go, let’s move!” I dumped the dominoes in the middle of the bed and was washing them vigorously. Their loud hard clicks were like teeth slamming together. It was the only sound. Still no one stirred. “Doesn’t anyone know how to play?”
They shuffled their feet, stared into their cups and glasses and bottles. “Come on, you trash. Gimme a game.”
There began an angry muttering.
“Get out,” I said softly. They all looked at each other, shrugging and whispering. This was sudden and out of nowhere. “Get out!” I bellowed, standing. This group, obviously accustomed to being hassled and shaken and chased, knew how to clear a room. Almost by instinct, they picked up items as they fled; all things I bought: jars of peanuts, sticks of jerky, bags of chips, beer, vodka, wine, pretzels, even my own pet bottle of gin, which was stained greasy with fingerprints. The crowd left me nothing except trash and my dominoes and hat. Even my shoes were taken.
“Worthless motherfuckers!” I screamed to the group of backs running away down the hall. I fell on the bed, breathless and sick. “Ow, goddamn it!” I wrenched up, exposing the pool of dominoes. I sat on the bed hurling one after the other at my reflection in the pitted old mirror that hung above the dresser. I hoped it would shatter, but it didn’t.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Someone was knocking on the door. Hello? Who’s there? I didn’t know if I was speaking out loud. The knocking continued, so I knew I hadn’t.
“Ah!” I tried to find my voice. It had died somewhere in my chest. “Heh…eh…mmm…” I ran my tongue over my teeth and sat up, holding my head. “Who’s there?” I slurred, my voice creaky. If it was another drunk wanting money, I would put my foot in his ass. If it was the landlord, I would slap him upside the head.
“Drew.”
“Drew who?” I asked then cackled, a sound that surprised me.
“Drew Ekalibato, you dumb motherfucker. Open this mother-fucking door.”
“Drew Ekalibato of Haiti?”
“I’m a break this door down!”
“Go ahead, I don’t care. There’s piss in every corner, the roof leaks, and the bed squeaks. Can’t hurt.”
“All right. You making a tired old black man bust into your room? That’s ill.”
I stared at the door for a while wondering why he was here and what it would cost to see him.
“Fine. I’ll leave, then. Forget you, nigga.”
I leaped up and flung the door wide. “What do you want?” My voice was clear but my eyes felt wild.
Drew seemed taken aback by my appearance. He cleared his throat. “Lemme in, little brother.” He brushed past me and looked for a chair. “Hm. Ain’t no chair.” He sat on the bed. “Come in here. Close the door. Time for you and me to talk.”
I stared off into space. “I don’t think so.�
��
Drew jumped up and seized my neck with one hand and slammed the door shut with the other. “Get in here.” He pushed me onto the bed. “What the hell’s happened to you?”
I looked at him, my chin trembling and my eyes watering. Just seeing Drew without Cleo and seeing Drew in this hotel and not in the pawn brought the terrible reality to rest on my heart. Drew handed me a white cotton handkerchief. I lay down, holding the handkerchief over my face with both hands.
“What the hell’s happened to you?” Drew repeated. “You gone pirate?” He fingered one of the wide gold hoops I had in each ear.
I remained silent, my face concealed and tears secretly slipping out of my eyes.
“What the fuck, man?” Drew just noticed the dark marks on my biceps. He pushed my sleeve up and squinted. “You got a goddamn tattoo?” He traced over the scabs. “Who is Max?”
I shook my head.
“Let’s see…you’ve got a domino…that’s cool…number ten, Michael Jordan? That’s cool…who’s Max?” he asked again.
I kept shaking my head. “I’m going to remove it,” I said, my voice muffled.
“How did you do this?”
“Payne came by and took me out.”
Drew laughed, pinching his nose. The sound was profane to me, but under my grief, I longed for it because his laugh was good: clean and warm. “Man, she fucked you up but good. She must’ve had some excellent shit, huh?”
I lowered the handkerchief and glared at him.
Drew held up his hands. “I ain’t gonna play no more. I came here to talk to you.”
I waited.
“You need to go home to your family.”
I covered my face again. “Forget it. Leave me alone.”
“Not yet I won’t.”
“Why do you care anyway? Just get out!”
“Why do I care? Why do I care?” Drew stood over me, pointing his finger. “Why do I care? ’Cause I love Ellis! I been knowing him since he was born. I love Sayan and I love her baby that is coming soon. And they are in pain. They are in pain over their loss and they are in pain over your sorry ass.” Drew sat down. “And I loved Cleo. He was a fine man.”
“Don’t.” My word was a barb.
“I’ll say what I came to say. I loved Cleo and he’s gone to glory and we’re stuck here with each other. And he mad at you.”
“DON’T!”
“Shut the fuck up. You’ll hear this if I have to sit on you to do it and then I’ll be free cause I’ll know I did what I could. T-Bone, you know you’re wrong. You know Cleo wants you to be there with Ellis and Sayan to help them through their trouble. And that helps you too even if you’re too big a chicken to recognize. Wasn’t Ellis there for you?”
I rolled into a ball, trembling.
“You’re shitting on Cleo, man. This,” Drew swept his arm around the room, “ain’t showing your love. This is breaking Cleo’s heart, and he loved you too. Hell, we all do. And Cleo would kick your raggedy ass if he could. Maybe I will.”
“Go ahead. I won’t hit back.”
“Nora, get yourself together. This ain’t right and you know it. Get your constitution laid out. Stand up and be strong. You know what Cleo would want you to do. Doesn’t that matter at all?” Drew rose and picked up my various gin bottles and poured the liquor down the bathroom sink.
“Shouldn’t be telling you this…” Drew shook his head. He placed the bottles in a neat row by the door. “I shouldn’t but I’m gonna.” Drew crossed his arms and leaned against the dresser. “You know Cleo was Ellis’s daddy, right?”
I was unresponsive.
“Well, Ellis knew too. Ellis knew and didn’t want to let on because he figured Cleo wanted it that way and you gotta respect your daddy.”
Barely breathing, I watched him with one eye.
“What you don’t know is how good care Ellis took of Cleo. I know only because Cleo told me. If we were brothers we couldn’t’ve been closer.”
I waved the handkerchief in the air like a surrender flag and Drew grabbed it and honked into its center.
I pulled a stale pillow over my face.
“See, Ellis set him up. Cleo died rich ’cause Ellis didn’t want him to lack nothin’. ’Course, it all goes back to Ellis now, but Cleo could’ve bought anything.” Drew took a shuddery breath. “Ellis did all that ’cause being the dirt sniffer he was, he knew Cleo would have a hard time on his own.” Drew shifted. “I guess it can all come out now…Cleo was in prison…in the pen at Angola…a long time ago and for a long time.”
I grunted.
“He killed somebody and did his time. And you know what he told me? That his family made all the difference. That they stayed together and backed him all the way. He would’ve died in the pen if they hadn’t.”
“Cute story,” I said.
“Every word is true.”
I sat up and rubbed my eyes.
“My man!” Drew smiled. He waved his hand by his nose. “You’re funky, you’re ashy, you’re crusty, your hair, you’ve grown some nasty hair. I’ll wait while you shower.”
“I don’t know.”
Drew grabbed my neck again and thrust me in the shower. “You can do this easy or you can do this hard. But make no mistake, you’re cleaning up and coming with me.”
“Take your hands off me, you old fool. Let me get my clothes off. And these are dirty, but they’re all I got. You sit out there on the bed.”
Drew looked at me a moment. Our eyes were soft as we stared at each other. “Now you’re not gonna turn on the shower and then climb out the window, are you? Because if you do, just keep running. I can guarantee you, no one will come after you this time.” He closed the bathroom door.
*
“Look what washed up in the Quarter!” Drew guided me into the kitchen. Ellis stood, looking lost. Sayan, hugely pregnant, jumped up, ran to me, and folded me into her arms.
“Oh, baby,” she said.
Finally, I cried.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Sayan had me by the collar and was jerking me. We were in the kitchen and Ellis was smothering his laughter and shaking his head.
“Now all my sisters are coming over here and I don’t want you embarrassing yourself or us. Don’t be acting a fool. Behave and act like somebody. And you know exactly what I mean.” Sayan’s eyes were blazing.
I hid a grin, my eyes rolling with the vigorous shaking. “Yes, ma’am. No, ma’am. Yes, ma’am.”
Sayan gave me a stink eye and released my shirt.
“I won’t sleep with more than half of them,” I added.
Sayan slammed down the wooden spoon she had picked up. “Ellis!” she barked. He sat up straight but shrugged. Sayan turned her back to us. She raised a finger and said, “I am too big with this baby to be worrying over the two Delaney children. Y’all bad.”
“Oh, sweet pea, c’mon now,” Ellis said. Then he and I saw her fist closing around the wooden spoon. “Git!”
We both scrambled to escape, but when Sayan whirled around, she was like Shiva with multiple arms and all of them strong and angry, wielding the spoon like a paddle.
“Ow, ouch, ow, quit baby, ow, now quit.” Ellis tried to edge away.
“We were just playing. Ow, ow, Sayan, stop it.” I contorted myself and dodged.
“Get out of my kitchen and stay out!” Sayan said through gritted teeth. She whacked us once more, Ellis on the behind and me on the back of the head.
“Whew!” I was panting and rubbing my skull as we hid in the family room.
“We better go to town.” Ellis wiped his brow.
“And get her a big bunch of flowers?”
“My thoughts exactly, cuz. Let’s roll.” Ellis returned to the kitchen door. “Sayan, honey, we’re going out for a while.”
“Don’t let the door slap your sorry fannies,” she said.
“I love you too, sweet pea.”
After filling his car with lavish bouquets, Ellis and I drove home. We had discu
ssed the idea of going somewhere for a beer and a smoke, but since Cleo’s murder, neither of us really had a taste for that. We both wanted to stick close to home and never go far and never leave for long. We told each other that we felt protective toward Sayan, but in truth, it was her presence that protected us. We needed to be near. She was so earthy and powerful and real, we felt calm and safe.
“You remember we’re having this family reunion thing, right?”
I nodded. Sayan’s talk had been of little else since Cleo’s funeral. I knew it was just Ellis’s way of opening the conversation.
“Well, ever since…” Ellis glanced at me and the silent sound of Cleo’s death pulsed between us. We were pretty normal when Cleo wasn’t the subject. But when his name or the space where his name should’ve been arose, it uncovered our grief.
“Uh-huh,” I said, looking away.
“Well, Sayan has got this bee in her bonnet—”
I snorted. “‘Bee in her bonnet’?”
“Bug up her ass? To start this reunion thing. To keep family close, she says. So it’s going to be a monthly affair. What I’m saying is, the house is going to be full of brothers. And…”
“I’m gonna lay low and be cool, how’s that?”
Ellis let out a shuddery sigh. “Naw, naw, I don’t give a shit. You’re fine. That’s not what I’m saying.”
“Then say what you’re saying, Ham.”
“Coach me some before?” Ellis’s voice was high and small. “It’s been a long time since I’ve played real hoops, and I know some of these guys can jam. They really get they ball on, you know?”
I grinned and nodded, watching the scenery pass. “Sure, Ham, we’ll start tonight.”
“You know Drew is moving in with us?”
I reached around roses to punch Ellis’s shoulder. “That’s wise, man, that’s good.”
Ellis smiled. “His girlfriend and son will probably come too, eventually, but for now, Sayan thinks he’ll be great with the baby and helping to cook and clean and all, but I don’t know.”
“My man!” I boomed. We laughed together.