‘Let go of me,’ I say with gritted teeth.
‘Don’t be like that,’ he cajoles and moves his face forward. I am just about to knee him in the balls when the door crashes open and BJ stands there, rigid with fury. His face is a thundercloud. His eyes are dangerously narrowed and cold, the whites laced with red. A muscle in his face twitches madly. I have never seen him in such a state. Not even in the pit.
He snarls more than speaks. ‘Take your hand off her.’
Lupo shrivels before him. He looks like a man about to vomit. He looks at me and back to BJ and the penny drops. He starts backing away with his hands raised in the air. ‘I want no trouble,’ he mumbles. What a coward.
When he is closer BJ leans forward slightly and, perfectly composed, utters, ‘Don’t ever come back.’
The door closes and we stare at each other. Then he walks towards me and pulls me into his solid muscles.
‘What the fuck was my woman doing with that spineless little cunt?’
I look up at him. I can feel the aggression radiating off him. ‘He’s my ex.’
I twine my fingers in his hair, rising up on my tiptoes to gently place my lips on his. His hand snakes around my body and his mouth claims me. It is a demanding, aggressive, passionate kiss. I get so lost in it I don’t even hear the door open until Jake’s voice is upon us like the crack of a whip.
‘What the fuck?’
I pull away from BJ’s lips and still in his embrace, turn towards Jake. He is staring at me in disbelief. I feel the blood drain from my face. I open my mouth.
‘Step away from him,’ he says clearly, staring at BJ with murderous fury.
For a second I think about disobeying him, but I know that I need him on my side. I quickly squeeze BJ’s hand and move aside.
‘I can explain everyth—’
It goes down so fast, I don’t actually see how it happens. One moment Jake is looming in the corridor, the next he is flying towards BJ. I am so shocked to see my brother attacking BJ, I can’t even scream. For several seconds I stand and watch Jake swing his arm into BJ. I know BJ is not fighting back, just avoiding the blows. The first two hits don’t catch. The third lands and BJ staggers back slightly and knocks a table. A glass vase full of fake flowers falls to the ground. Flowers go flying. The sight of it somehow galvanizes me.
‘Stop it. Stop it,’ I scream.
But neither man stops. I run towards them and both men look at me and growl for me to stay out.
‘I’m pregnant,’ I sob. ‘I’m pregnant.’
For a shocked second everyone freezes.
Then all hell breaks loose.
TWENTY-FIVE
Layla
‘You fucking crazy son of a bitch. You didn’t even use a fucking condom! That’s my sister, you fucking dog,’ Jake roars and swings out hard. BJ, still shell-shocked by my announcement, stumbles back against a pile of stacked chairs. The chairs go crashing and BJ falls over with them.
Both men are on the floor. Jake has BJ by the throat and he is choking him to death. Pure, uncontrollable panic surges through me. I run screaming towards them and drop to my knees beside them. ‘Please, Jake,’ I beg desperately, my hand uselessly trying to pull his away from BJ’s throat. ‘Please. Please don’t. I love him,’ I plead.
BJ swivels incredulous eyes towards me. Jake stiffens, but his hands are still frozen around BJ’s throat.
I am sobbing hard now. ‘He’s the only one for me. If you love me please, please, I beg you, don’t hurt him.’
Suddenly BJ chokes out, ‘What’re you going to do? Kill me? You can’t fucking control everything in your world. I wanted to tell you, out of respect, man to man, but the fact is, your sister is all grown up and she wanted to tell you herself. But since you’ve ruined that possibility for her, here’s how it’s going down. I fucking love her, man. I’ve loved her since I was 14.’
I hold my face in the palms of my hands and stare incredulously at BJ. Jake sits back, his hands falling to his sides, his chest heaving. He stares at BJ coldly. ‘If you cause her to shed one single tear, I swear, I’ll make you cry blood. Then, I will fucking kill you.’
There is a trickle of crimson flowing from the side of BJ’s mouth. He wipes it with the back of his hand. His shirtfront is smeared red.
‘I won’t,’ he says clearly.
Jake gets to his feet, straightens himself, and sighs. He sounds defeated. He looks at me, and his eyes are sad. He wanted better for me. ‘I’ll see you at my home, later tonight?’
Unable to speak, I nod. Jake closes the door softly behind him and I run to BJ.
I touch the swelling on his jaw. ‘Oh my God. It must hurt like hell.’
‘Can’t feel a thing. Too wired up.’
‘I’m so sorry, BJ. This is the second time you’ve taken a hit for me.’
‘Third time,’ he corrects softly.
I frown. ‘Third?’
‘First time was when I fought Jake. He’s a strong fighter, but I’m trained and he’s not. I could have taken him, but I didn’t.’
I remember that I had to look away at the ferocity with which he dispatched The Devil’s Hammer. ‘Why didn’t you?’
‘Why doesn’t Batman kill the Joker?’
‘I don’t know. Why?’
‘I wasn’t being magnanimous or a hero when I drank a couple of cans of stout and allowed myself to fight loose and stupid. It was because of you. At the heart of my mercy was self-interest. I didn’t want to vanquish Layla’s brother and turn him into an unforgiving foe. Sometimes, your rival today becomes a vehicle for your legacy tomorrow. I wanted us to be equals. Sure I like Jake, but I’ve gone out of my way to maneuver myself into a place where he owes me one.’
Shocked by his confession, I sit back and stare at him. ‘Were you really telling the truth when you told Jake that you love me?’
He expels the air in his chest in a rush. ‘Love you? You’re like a hundred flashbulbs in my face, Layla. You blind me. You always have. Ever since you trooped into church with your brothers, all of you wearing the old curtains my grandmother had donated to the charity shop. My mother sniggered, but my heart swelled just to look at you. Just to know that such beauty existed in this world. I tried to fight it. I even pretended to myself that you were a spoilt little brat. All these years.’ He shook his head. ‘Every conceivable type of woman. But none would ever do. My heart was taken.’’
I feel almost euphoric. ‘So that’s why you have the Layla tiepin.’
He flushes, the area above his cheekbones becoming dark red. ‘Yeah I bought that when I was 15. One day, I promised myself, I’m going to walk down the aisle with that girl and I’m gonna wear it. But then you fell and when I went to help you up, you treated me as if I was a lump of dog shit. I realized you were too grand for me. So I killed the love in my heart. Or rather I thought I had, but I was just kidding myself.’
‘I love you, BJ,’ I whisper.
He swallows hard.
‘It’s not a death sentence,’ I joke weakly.
He looks down. ‘You don’t understand. I thought you’d never say it. I thought …. You don’t know how long I have waited to hear you say that,’ he mutters close to my ear, his voice raspy and broken.
And suddenly I see the sweetness of this beautiful man. ‘I love you so much I could die,’ I say softly.
He lifts his head, his dark eyes shining. ‘Say it again,’ he commands.
‘I love you so much I could die.’
‘Again.’
This time the words roll out of me like a river breaking a dam.
He carefully wipes all expression off his face. ‘Were you telling the truth? About the pregnancy? Or was it just to stop Jake from beating the shit out of me?’ he asks lightly, but I know him well now. His whole body is tense.
I grin happily. ‘Clearblue digital confirmed last night that we just contributed to the world’s overpopulation problem.’
He stares at me with wide eyes. ‘Fuck woman. Ju
st for once can’t you be like your brother’s wife and give me a pair of baby shoes instead of this insensitive, sassy bullshit,’ he croaks.
I look around the room, locate my purse a few feet away, and reach out for it. I take out a little box of baby shoes and shove it into his chest. ‘There you go,’ I cry triumphantly.
To my shock, tears fill his eyes.
I feel my eyes prickling too. ‘Jesus, BJ. If I’d known it was that easy to make you cry I’d have got pregnant sooner.’
‘I hate clichés, but fucking hell, Layla. This the best day of my goddamn life.’ He grins and I can feel the happiness pouring out of him. He stands suddenly, grabs my waist, and lifts me up as high as his arms can reach, whirling me round and round. I know he is doing it because I had told him about Lily’s experience and how special I thought it was.
I start laughing. ‘You’re making me dizzy.’
‘I know,’ he laughs. ‘That was the plan. You’re always quiet when you’re dizzy.’
‘Why don’t you use your usual way?’ I tease.
He puts me down. ‘I was saving that for last,’ he says and covers my mouth with his own.
When he lifts his head, my insides are all gooey and melted. ‘We’re going to rule the world, aren’t we?’ I say dreamily.
He grins. ‘Absolutely. I’ll be the king and you’ll be my queen.’
‘And we’ll sit on gold thrones.’
He touches my face. ‘Oh Layla. You’re the dream I didn’t even dare have.’
I can’t stop smiling. ‘I’ve always wanted to be the dream someone didn’t dare have.’
‘I guess you’ll have to marry me now, and in a hurry too, won’t you?’
‘Is that your idea of a proposal, BJ Pilkington?’
‘No, I’ll do a proper job, later, when I’m between your legs.’
‘Oh my!’
‘Come on. Let’s get out of here.’
‘Yes, lets,’ I say drunk with love. Unable to believe where my day has ended. I was worried about telling Jake about BJ and telling BJ about the baby. And now everything has just fallen into place in the most extraordinary way. I know Jake will come around. BJ is happy about the baby. And everything is just so, so, so perfect.
TWENTY-SIX
Layla
It is 8:00 by the time I make it to Jake’s house. All the lights are on and in one of the upstairs windows I can see the silhouette of Lily’s grandmother cradling my niece in her arms. Anxiously, I go in through the kitchen hoping to meet my mother first. Shane is sitting with his legs up on a chair and eating a strawberry trifle.
‘Hey, Bear,’ he says, licking the spoon.
‘Good you are in time for dinner,’ Ma says, not looking up from chopping vegetables.
‘How come he gets to eat dessert before dinner?’ I ask.
‘Because I’m not staying for dinner,’ Shane says.
‘Shane, I need to talk to Ma,’ I tell him pointedly.
‘Don’t mind me,’ he says, not moving from his chair.
My mother looks up. ‘What do you want to tell your old mother? That you’ve got a man.’
I stare at her shocked. ‘Yes, how did you know?’
‘Do you think I’m stupid, Layla?’
‘I’ll be damned,’ Shane says, grinning and slapping his thigh. ‘Who’s the poor sod?’
‘Of course, I know,’ my mother says. ‘You’ve been walking around with your head in the clouds for at least a month now. So I checked with Queenie and she told me he is a good boy. One of ours. And I have been patiently waiting for you to tell me all about it. Sit down then.’
Bemused and pleasantly surprised at how easy all of this is turning out to be, I sit down and tell them that it’s BJ.
‘What? BJ!’ Shane exclaims with a frown. ‘Shit, Layla, he must be the worst man-whore in all of England and Scotland.’
‘You’re a fine one to talk,’ I snap my brother, glancing worriedly at my mother.
But my mother is not worried at all. ‘Billy Joe is a good lad,’ she defends. ‘He’ll be good to you. He’s always had a soft spot for you.’
‘You knew he had a soft spot for me?’ I ask dazed.
‘Of course. You could see it a mile off. He used to stare so intently at you in church I thought his eyes would pop out.’
I grin. The way my mother exaggerates anyone would think I was some great beauty. ‘Really?’
‘Him and half the boys in the congregation,’ Shane adds.
‘Yes, poor Jake always had his hands full giving them all dirty looks,’ my mother says.
‘So you think I made a good choice?’ I ask my mother happily.
‘I fucking don’t,’ Shane says.
But Ma is unshakeable in her convictions. ‘I do. But it’s Jake you’ll have to convince. He’s in the library. Go on and talk to him before dinner.’
‘Uh, Ma. I’ve got something else to tell you.’
She stops chopping. Her mouth drops open. ‘Oh, Layla. You’re not.’
I bite my lip. ‘I am.’
‘What?’ Shane asks looking from me to Ma and back to me with confusion. ‘You’re what?’
‘I’m pregnant.’
Shane’s eyes widen. ‘Poor BJ!’
‘Come here,’ my mother says. From her face I can tell she is fighting hard to keep from crying.
I go and crouch next to her. Up close, I see all the fine lines that fan out from her eyes. My mother is getting old. The idea is distressing. I don’t want my mother to grow old. I don’t ever want to lose her. She holds my face between her work-worn palms and kisses my forehead. ‘My mother was right. It is never the wild ones that get knocked up. It’s always the good girls. How far along are you?’
‘Just about four weeks.’
She nods.
‘I’m sorry, Ma.’
She takes her hands away from my face. ‘Don’t be sorry. He’s a good boy. He’ll do right by you. Now go and talk to your brother.’
I grasp my mother’s hands and kiss them. ‘I love you, Ma.’
‘I love you too, Layla,’ she says and tears glimmer in her eyes.
On my way out, I punch Shane hard on the shoulder.
‘Did you see what she did?’ I hear him ask.
I don’t hear her reply. I walk along the corridor and knock nervously on my brother’s door.
‘Come in, Layla,’ Jake says.
Taking a deep breath, I enter. My brother is sitting behind his desk. He leans back in his chair and looks at me expressionlessly.
‘Look, first of all I want to say I’m really sorry that I didn’t tell you sooner, but you were so excited and happy about Lilliana’s arrival that I just didn’t want to spoil it.’
My brother nods. ‘So you’re in love with him.’
‘Yes. Very much.’
He sighs. ‘I wanted better for you.’
‘I know you did, but BJ is my destiny, like Lily is yours.’
‘I know. But all said and done, he’s in the drug trade, Layla. He’ll make a mistake one day and he’ll go to prison. Are you prepared for that?’
‘No.’
‘Then use that great love he has for you to make him give it up. It’s not like he needs to do it. He already has more money than he knows what to do with. He’s got his clubs and pubs and all his properties.’
I move deeper into the room. Jake is right. BJ is going to be a dad. He doesn’t need to be involved in the drug business.
‘Now is your best opportunity, Layla. Before you get married. Lay down your terms. You’ll be a mother soon. Think of your children.’
‘OK, I will.’
‘I want you to be happy. You know that, don’t you?’
I walk around the chair and touch his cheek. ‘I know that. I didn’t want to disobey you. It just happened.’
He smiles sadly. ‘Just remember, no matter what happens, I am always here for you.’
‘Thank you.’
‘How many weeks gone are you?’
> ‘Four.’
‘Are you happy?’
‘It’s all so perfect I couldn’t have planned it better.’
He grins. ‘I’m proud of you, Layla.’
I grin back. ‘Can you believe it? I’m gonna be somebody’s mummy.’
‘You’ll be a good mother, Layla. I can feel it in my bones.’
-All of me loves all of you-
TWENTY-SEVEN
Layla
Ki shan i Romani - Adoi san' i chov'hani.
Wherever gypsies go - there the witches are, we know.
I clasp my hands together and fix my gaze on his face. ‘BJ, what will happen to me and our baby if something happens to you? Like you get caught by the police.’
‘I won’t get caught. I told you nothing passes through my hands.’
‘There’s no such thing as never. There are always people who will betray you to save their own skin or mistakes or an envious friend.’
His face closes over. ‘What do you want me to say, Layla?’
‘I want you to give it up. I want you to give it up, because if you don’t, I will never, ever feel secure.’
‘It’s what I am, Layla.’
‘No, it’s not what you are. It’s what you do.’
He covers his face with his hands, rubbing them upwards towards his head. ‘What if I say I can’t stop? Will you leave me?’
I drop my head, because I don’t want him to see how crushed and disappointed I am. If he had asked for something that was important to him, I would have moved heaven and earth to give it to him. It means all his words are empty and meaningless. He doesn’t truly love me. Not the way I do.
‘Well?’ he prompts.
I clear my face of the pain I am feeling and look up. ‘No,’ I say dully. ‘I won’t leave you.’
‘What if I said that I’ve already taken steps to get out of that business?’
I hardly dare believe it. ‘You have?’
He nods. ‘Don’t you know? I’d do anything for you. Anything.’
The joy I feel is what I imagine being hit by very mild lightning must be like. I feel my skin tingle and my entire body wants to shake, jump, and dance around. ‘You can’t imagine how crushed and sad I was when you said you couldn’t do it.’
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