My Weakness

by Alison Mello

  I feel eyes on me and look up to find two women around my age openly checking me out. Normally, I’d be all over them and in about five minutes we’d be upstairs having a good time. Instead I give them a chin lift and go back to eating my food.

  Chloe’s always on my mind these days, and until I see her and we talk, there’s no way I can be with someone else. It would feel wrong. How come being with Chloe feels right? Maybe it’s just lust. We had amazing chemistry our night together. Her body fit against mine like it was designed specifically for me. Fuck, I can still taste her on my tongue.

  Fuck, what am I doing? Chloe just lost our baby, and I’m thinking about fucking her? I shake my head because I’m clearly a horny idiot.

  After I finish eating, I pop some gum in my mouth and head out to the parking lot. I climb into my car and drive the five minutes to her place.

  I reach my destination: a cute little white home. It’s surrounded by trees and shrubbery, giving it a cozy feel. Her Camaro is in the driveway with a silver two-door Mini Cooper behind it. I take a deep breath and climb out of my car. I make my way up to the door. Lifting my hand to knock, I jerk back because the door flings open and her friend Eli stands there.

  He glowers at me and doesn’t say anything, but I do. “I need to see her.”

  Eli closes the front door and steps onto the front porch. “You don’t need to see shit. She doesn’t want to see us, so I can be certain that she does not want to see you.” His finger is in my face.

  “That was my baby, too.” I take a step forward, brushing his hand away. “I’m going to go inside and see for myself how she’s doing. You can try to stop me, but I’m an officer of the law, so trust me, you don’t want to test me.” I feel my stomach lurch as Eli’s eyes widen in shock. Holy shit, did I just threaten Chloe’s best friend? I take a deep breath. “Fuck, I’m sorry, man, but I need to see her. Please.”

  He narrows his eyes but nods and moves out of the way, letting me push the door open and step inside. I don’t even take the opportunity to look around her house, even though I didn’t get a chance to really wander around the last time I was here. I was too focused on her.

  At the end of the hall, I reach her bedroom door. I slowly open it and peer inside. She’s in bed, because I can see her dark hair peeking out from her comforter. “Go away, Eli. I don’t want to talk.”

  I step farther into her bedroom and shut her door. “It’s me.”

  Even with her buried under piles of blankets, I can still see her body go stiff. Ragnar crawls out from under the comforter and sits on the end of the bed, staring at me. I ignore the giant cat and come around to the side of the bed so I can see her.

  I pull up the blanket, and Chloe tries to hide her face. Her skin’s fair enough already, but now she’s pale with purplish bags standing out under her bloodshot eyes. “Why are you here?” Her voice is scratchy and hoarse.

  My hand makes its way under the blankets until it connects with hers. She tries to pull it away from me, but I don’t let her. I don’t get on the bed, but I get down on my knees next to it. I’m tall enough that I can lean in close to her. “I’m so fucking sorry.” Tears slip from her eyes, and I reach out, wiping them away. My own eyes feel that ache that happens before tears fall.

  “What are you sorry for?” she snaps. “You didn’t want her.”

  Pain slices through me, and I clench my eyes shut so she doesn’t see the hurt. It’s not her fault, though. I deserved that, and I take it. “That’s the thing. I did want her. I wanted her more than you could ever know. I was just scared.” I stroke her cheek, and she lets me. “I’m going to regret that for the rest of my life.”

  “I keep thinking about everything I’ve done. If maybe something I did caused this to happen.” I open my mouth to speak, but she shakes her head. “I know I didn’t, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.”

  Neither of us says anything for a long time. Finally her eyes start to look heavy. “Thank you for coming,” she whispers right before her eyes drift shut. I don’t make a move to stand until her soft snores fill the room.

  Slowly I stand and then head out into the living room, where Eli and now Carter are waiting. Carter stands and comes toward me. I’ll kick his ass if he tries anything; I don’t care if he’s almost as big as I am. He stops in front of me. “How was she?”

  “Sad. Weepy. She just fell asleep.” I don’t miss Carter’s look of surprise.

  “She’s sleeping?” I nod. “Thank fuck. She didn’t sleep last night. She’ll pretend, but as soon as she thinks we’re gone, she opens her eyes.”

  “When I stepped out, she was snoring.”

  Carter steps past me and disappears down the hall. He comes back a few seconds later and looks at Eli. “She’s out. I’m talking drool and everything.” He looks back at me. “What did you do?”

  “Nothing, just told her that I was sorry and that I wanted the baby. I was scared, and she let me hold her hand while she talked. She thanked me for coming, and then her eyes closed.”

  Carter excuses himself, and I can hear him talking to their parents. I’m glad she’s sleeping. It hurts to think that she’s suffering as hard as she seems to be. I’d love to take credit for her finally sleeping, but it was probably just exhaustion catching up with her.

  Once Carter comes back into the living room, I ask both him and Eli to give me some time alone with her. “I don’t intend on hurting her. I just think we should talk, spend time together.”

  “Fine, but only because I have to work in the morning.” He moves until we’re nose to nose. “If you hurt her, I don’t care if you’re a cop—I will end you.” Carter turns on his heel and heads over to Eli. “Let’s go. We’re not too far away if she needs us.”

  They both just look at me as they head to the front door and out. I move toward the front window and watch them walk to their cars. After they’re gone, I step out to my own car, grab my bag, and bring it inside. I brought it just in case I ended up staying at her place.

  I want her to get as much sleep as possible, giving her body a chance to heal itself. I put my bag in her bedroom against the wall and then step back out. A loud meow sounds from behind me. I scoop Ragnar up in my arms, and his purr vibrates against my chest.

  “Hey, boy. Your momma is going to be okay. She just needs a little time, okay?”

  That cat again answers me. I set him down and find a bag of treats. I grab him one, and he sits on his hind legs while he waits. She must sense them because Lagertha comes out a few seconds later and sits the same way. I find the remote for Chloe’s TV, turn it on, and then turn it way down. Flipping through the channels, I stop on a show about cars.

  A while later, my phone dings. I pick it up and see it’s a text from Vi.

  Violet: Hey you. I talked to Mom. I’m so sorry.

  Joe: Thanks.

  Violet: Mom says you’re there. How is she?

  Joe: She’s finally sleeping. I just don’t know what to do or say to her.

  Violet: Talk to Carrington or Damien. They miscarried before the twins, remember?

  I totally forgot that my cousin and her husband had lost a baby. My aunt Bellamy, Carrington’s mom, also lost a baby, but she was toward the end of her pregnancy when it happened. Maybe they’d both be willing to talk to Chloe. Then she’d know that it’s possible to go on and have healthy children.

  Joe: That’s right. Maybe I’ll give them a call. How are you?

  She’s pregnant, too, so I’m sure all of this can’t make her feel good.

  Violet: I’m great! I feel good. Of course now I feel guilty because you both are going through your loss.

  Joe: No, don’t feel bad. I’m happy for you guys. It hurts Vi—it hurts fucking bad.

  My phone rings, and I quickly answer it. “Hey.”

  “I know it hurts. I’m so freaking sorry. Do you want me to fly up there? I could come see you both.”

  “As much as I would love to see you right now, I just don’t think it would be a
good idea. You’re pregnant, and I’m afraid it could upset Chloe to see you.”

  “Oh God, you’re right. What was I thinking?”

  “You were thinking about your cousin and…well, your cousin.” It’s too bad she wasn’t closer; I could use my best friend.

  We don’t talk much longer before hanging up. Quietly, I walk down the hall and peek in on Chloe. Her quiet snores fill the room. I move around her bed, reach out, and stroke her hair out of her face. Even though she’s got bags under her eyes and she’s pale, she’s still fucking gorgeous.

  She doesn’t even move.

  Chapter Seven

  Chloe

  My eyes feel like there’s sand in them; that’s what I get for falling asleep with my contacts in. The sun is shining brightly into my bedroom, which normally doesn’t happen until the late afternoon. I fling my blankets back and gingerly sit up. It takes me a minute before I’ve got my wits about me, and I stand up. I feel a warm tiny gush, and then I remember what happened.

  With tears leaking from my eyes, I step across the hall into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me. I use the toilet and take the soiled pad out of my panties. They told me I’d bleed, but dammit I just wanted it to magically be over so I could try to forget any of this ever happened. It hurts too much to think about.

  I start the shower, and while it gets hot, I brush my teeth because it feels like I have a layer of scum on them. I do the whole mouthwash and floss thing and then strip out of my pajamas. When I step into the shower, the hot water feels good all over my sore, tired body.

  I wash and condition my hair and then scrub my body clean. Running the soapy washcloth over my stomach, I freeze. The tiny little pooch I had is gone. A sob tears from my throat as I drop to my knees. Why? I just want someone to tell me why I lost my baby.

  What I wouldn’t give to have been able to see her alive. To hold her in my arms and smell her sweet baby scent. The tears slow, but the emptiness I feel is crushing.

  The water shuts off, and my head jerks up to find Joe standing there with a towel, concern written all over his face. He doesn’t say anything—he just wraps the towel around me and then stands me up, hugging me to his chest before he proceeds to dry me off. He grabs one of my pads and leads me back into my room. He grabs me panties, sweats, and a t-shirt.

  “Get dressed, babe. I’ll be right back.” He steps into the bathroom while I quickly put the pad in my panties and then slip them on. I’m just slipping my t-shirt on when he comes back into my room with a hairbrush. “Come with me.” Joe grabs my hand, leads me out into my living room, and sits me on my ottoman with my back to him.

  Slowly he starts to use the brush to work out the tangles. When he’s done brushing it, he surprises me when he braids it, and quickly. “Where did you learn to braid?”

  “Between my baby sister and niece, I’ve become quite proficient in braids, ponytails, and buns. Are you hungry?” I shake my head. “Let’s at least get you something small. You haven’t had anything. You were asleep for a long time.”

  That’s when I look at the clock and see that I slept about five hours. “I’m not hungry. You can leave now. I don’t need you here.” This isn’t like me, but I can’t help the venom that spews from my mouth. “Get out.” I shove him, but he doesn’t budge.

  “I’m not leaving you.”

  “You didn’t want her, and now I can’t have her.” I know my accusatory tone is uncalled for, but it’s like I don’t have control of my mouth. It’s not connected to my brain. “You’re off the hook. You got what you wanted.” I regret the words as soon as they leave my mouth. Joe looks like I’ve slapped him. He’s so hurt right now.

  I open my mouth to apologize, but his hand slashes through the air. “I don’t want to hear anything else you have to say.” He leans in close. “You don’t know shit.”

  Before I register what’s happened, he disappears down the hall and returns with his bag and then my front door is slamming shut and headlights shine into my living room. My feet become unglued, and I run to the door, throwing it open. By the time I reach my driveway, he’s flying down the street.

  Guilt, shame, and regret fill me as I head back inside. I grab my phone and call him. It goes straight to voicemail. “Joe, please call me. I need to know you’re okay. I am so sorry. That was mean and uncalled for and so not true. I was hurting, and I needed to hurt someone else, and you were the unlucky victim. It’s no excuse.” My voice breaks. “We both lost her. I don’t know you very well, but you just don’t seem like the type of guy who would’ve stayed gone long.” I inhale. “Please call me.”

  I dial my parents, and it’s Pops who answers. “Hey, baby girl.”

  “D-Daddy. Please come o-over.” My words are broken by tears as I remember the horrid things I said.

  “Chloe, what is it, baby? Dad said Joe was with you.”

  I tell him that he was, but now I need my pops. He tells me he’s heading out now and will be here soon. He’ll know what to do.

  I see his headlights and move toward the door, opening it as he reaches the steps. I rush right into his arms. With his arms around me, he leads me into the house.

  ***

  A week has gone by, and Joe won’t answer or return my calls. I even had Tay Tay try and talk to him for me, but she was rebuffed too. It’s my fault, and I deserve this. This is my punishment.

  Physically, I’ve healed up well from the miscarriage. I’m just spotting now, and soon I know it’ll be gone and I’ll be back to normal. My heart and my mind aren’t even close to being healed, though. Truth is…I haven’t been able to stop thinking about Joe. The look on his face haunts me. We both lost something so precious, and I threw it in his face that he got scared. I’m such an awful, horrible bitch.

  Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath, clearing my head. I go back to polishing the locket I just got done engraving. It’s for a father from his daughter on her wedding day.

  Pain hits my chest when I think about my dad and when he realized the other day that he was still wearing the grandpa pendant I made for his birthday. His face paled, and he yanked it from his neck, shoving it in his pocket.

  I’d walked up to him. “You better keep it, because one day you’ll need it.” His face had softened, and his eyes had turned glassy.

  I place the locket in the velvet box and shut the lid. “Chloe?” I turn my head and find Hailey standing next to me. Since I came back to work the other day, she’s been surprisingly friendly.

  “Yeah?”

  She wrings her hands together in front of her. “I’m running across the street to get a coffee. Would you like one?”

  “No coffee, but I’ll take an Earl Grey, please.” I grab a five out of my pocket and hand it over to her. “Thanks.”

  Hailey takes the money and disappears out the door. Mr. Harmon comes through the doors from the front of the store and sits down next to me. He knows what happened and had sent a lovely bouquet of flowers while I was home recovering. “How’re you doing being back? Do you need anything?”

  “I’m good. Glad to be busy. Thank you again for the flowers.”

  “You’re welcome, honey. Uh…Hailey knows about your miscarriage. She overheard me talking to your dad. I’m so sorry.” His brow is furrowed and his mouth pinched tight.

  That explains the odd behavior. I grab his hands. “It’s okay—I promise. She’s actually been very nice, so maybe you did me a favor.”

  “Well, I’m here if you ever need me.” He squeezes my hands before standing up and returning out front.

  A few minutes later, Hailey returns and hands me my tea, a little bag, and my change. “In the bag is lemon, sugar, and cream. I wasn’t sure what you liked.”

  I give the first genuine smile I think I’ve ever given her, or at least since I first started and before I figured out what a bitch she was. “I like cream and sugar. Thanks again.” After doctoring up my tea, I take a sip.

  “My sister lost a baby.” Hailey sits down across
from me. “I don’t know exactly what you’re going through, but I know what it’s like watching someone you love while they’re hurting. My sister belongs to this group. It’s other women who’ve suffered miscarriages, too. They just talk about their feelings and how they deal with stuff.” She pulls a card out of her purse and hands it to me. “That’s where they meet and the days and times. My sister said there’s no pressure, but if you need to talk, they’re all great listeners.”

  I don’t even know what to say right now except, “Thank you. I’ll seriously consider it.” She gives me a genuine smile before standing up, but I stop her with a hand on her arm. “Does your sister have kids now?”

  “She’s got three now. One was before and two were after.” That makes me feel a little better but not much.

  “I’ll consider going. Thanks.”

  ***

  I sit in my car, my stomach turning. Why am I scared to go in? I’ve never met a stranger, and it’s always been that way. Now I’m not sure if I can go in or not. I haven’t told my parents, my brother, or Eli that I’m doing this. I didn’t want to get their hopes up if I chickened out and didn’t go.

  Taking a deep breath, I climb out and make my way inside. On an easel is a chalkboard, and it says,

  Over the Rainbow After Angel Babies.

  There are at least ten women sitting in a circle. The one who seems to be the leader spots me and stands up, waving me over.

  “Welcome. I’m Elizabeth. How long ago was your loss?”

  “T-Two weeks. Hailey sent me.”

  Elizabeth smiles at me. “That’s my baby sister. You must be Chloe. She said you might come. Here, come sit by me.”

  I do as she says, and my eyes drift around the room. There are women of all ages and races here. They’re all giving me the smile of understanding. My eyes burn, and I rapidly blink back the tears that threaten to spill.