Contents
Introduction
Chapter 1:
Reasons to Not Stalk Your Ex
Chapter 2:
My Christmas Obsession
Chapter 3:
Wonderland
Chapter 4:
How to Be Friends with Both People in a Breakup
Crystal Castles: A She Poem
Chapter 5:
The Ten-to-One Rule
Chapter 6:
A Real-Life Halloween Horror Story
Chapter 7:
The Time Ryan Gosling Gave Me a Pep Talk
Chapter 8:
How to Get Over a Breakup
Chapter 9:
The Friend Code
Madness: A She Poem
Chapter 10:
How Not to Flirt: A Step-by-Step Guide to Giving Off the “Nah” Vibe
Chapter 11:
Basics
Chapter 12:
Why Not to Believe Everything You Read on Social Media
Chapter 13:
Why Being Honest Sucks a Lot of the Time
Chapter 14:
UnbeWEAVEable
Chapter 15:
Why I Love Unrequited Love
Chapter 16:
The Dangers of Being in a Non-Relationship Relationship
2 A.M.: A She Poem
Chapter 17:
Let’s Make a New Beginning
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About the Author
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher
Introduction
Why I’m Writing This
Ever since I was really little, I loved writing. I just liked telling stories. When I was twelve, I wrote a short story for the first time. It was about a girl in a mental institution with schizophrenia. My parents were terribly concerned. I’m sure they hoped I just had a “big imagination.”
But that first story opened something up for me; writing became like my friend. A person I can say whatever I feel to.
Then in 2013, when I was really into poetry, my friend told me to look at a certain Tumblr page. Almost immediately I was hooked. After hours of scrolling through photos of sunsets and cobblestone streets and different quotes and stories, I felt like I knew the people who had created them. I knew what they liked and disliked—from bands to foods to movies to whether or not they got along with their parents to who they had a crush on. Tumblr quickly became a place where I could tell stories about guys I liked who didn’t like me back or friends who gave me advice that I wanted to share. I began messaging back to the people who followed my blogs, and they shared stories with me about their exes and their friends, about their recent heartbreaks and their newfound loves—and sometimes just about their cats or their dog. They would just ask me things like “You know when you text someone something really long and they send back one-word answers? What’s up with that?” . . . Like, girl, I FEEL YOU.
Writing on Tumblr was a way for me to feel like I wasn’t alone. Other people were going through the same things I was, feeling the same feels I did.
Because yes, I haven’t had the most typical of lives. I’ve been making movies since I was five years old. And I’m sure some people reading this are thinking “She has no idea what it’s like to see the guy who just broke up with you at school every day!” and those people would be right. I don’t. I was homeschooled my entire life, but not necessarily because of acting. I have two older brothers, Ryan and Spencer. Ryan is in his thirties, and he was also homeschooled by my parents. Ryan was never an actor; it was just a choice my parents made. Once my brother Spencer started acting, though, the whole homeschooling thing worked out really well. People always ask if I felt isolated or not socialized. But, to be honest, the only thing more dramatic than teen drama, is teen ACTOR drama. All of the emotions, with the most dramatized reactions.
No, I don’t know what it’s like to see the guy who dumped you at school every day. BUT, I know what it’s like to see the guy who dumped you on TV every day. Or on set every day. Or at events where reporters are talking to him and telling him how brilliant he is and then—BLAM!—he also books the biggest movie in the world and then you just know you’re gonna see him even MORE than all the time and how is there possibly any more time than all the time and—
Okay. Sorry . . . Ranting.
The point is, just because I haven’t had the same life as a lot of people, I have the same feelings. Just different settings. And so because not everyone in the world uses Tumblr, I thought I’d write this. To be real. To share. So that maybe I can help one person text their ex the appropriate emoji. (Always the squinted-eye, “you ain’t foolin’ me, honey” one. Just always.)
This IS what matters, folks.
Enjoy.
1
REASONS TO NOT STALK YOUR EX
We’ve all done it, guys.
No judgment here.
It’s late. You’re tired. You know it’s wrong, but you still find yourself looking through your ex’s Instagram posts. Who liked it? Who commented on it? Is he with a girl?!
The anxiety never ends. I’ve made the mistake countless times. Stalking your ex is NEVER a good idea.
Here Are Reasons Why NOT TO STALK YOUR S.O.’s EX.
1 I believe it was Teddy Roosevelt who said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” (Teddy clearly knew heartbreak, imo!) I know we all tend to worry/wonder about the obvious questions: “Is she prettier than me?” “Is she skinnier/curvier than me?” “Does she have bigger boobs than me?” “Was she better in ~sexy situations~ than me?” Tbh, guys don’t really think about that. They honestly don’t compare. It just doesn’t happen; it just doesn’t work that way. Trust me.
2 THEY BROKE UP FOR A REASON. Okay, this is one that’s a little more complicated than “it wasn’t meant to be,” and I get that. Sometimes maybe he’ll tell you, “I broke up with her,” but then you’ve heard stories that she broke up with him. Or maybe they’ve had one of those ~annoying~ on-and-off things where they kept breaking up and getting back together over and over again, and your fear is that it all might happen again. So let me save you a little bit of heartache on this—if you think there’s a possibility they’re gonna get right back together: STOP NOW. At the end of the day, you never know for sure what’s gonna happen, but if you have a suspicion this is just another one of their off periods, tell him to call you when he knows what he wants. Or maybe he was just with his ex for a long time, and it makes you feel kinda small in his life. That’s normal, too. They have all these memories and stories together that you don’t have yet. But ultimately, you’re going to make your own memories and stories with them. Every relationship has its ups and downs, BUT they aren’t together anymore. And sometimes, no matter how hard it may be, we just have to accept that and trust the person we are with is with US for a reason.
3 Stalking your bae’s ex on social media won’t make her relationship with your S.O. disappear. They dated. IT HAPPENED. You have exes, too. Think about it this way, when you’re with your current ~lover~ do you always think about your ex? NO! You don’t. Instead you worry about THEIR exes. Don’t you think maybe your S.O. feels the same? And if you ARE thinking about your ex, you might have a bigger problem, like, why are you with this new bae at all?
4 And finally: You’re worth more than that. You are worthy of being with and being loved and adored. Stressing about your S.O.’s past relationship is crazy. It’s in the past. You can’t change it. You can’t make it go away. History is history. Your only choice is to move on with your life. Realize the person you are with now is with you because they WANT to be WITH YOU. Stressing about past things only adds worry and insecurity, which just isn’t ever romantic.
And Now fo
r Reasons to Not Stalk YOUR Ex:
1 Why did you guys break up? Repeat your breakup convo in your head when you feel like checking his/her news feed. If you were the one to end things, you made the right decision. It may take a while to be okay with it, but you had a reason to do something that couldn’t have been fun or easy. Remember that. And if THEY were the one to end things, they were dumb for leaving you. I know I don’t know you—but it’s the truth. It’s their loss. They just don’t know it yet. And if neither works, if you still are feeling heart-heavy and super sad, then you probably need to talk to them, face-to-face, to get closure before you move on.
2 It’s just one person! This is easier said than done—BELIEVE me, I know. I have been known to be bedridden over breakups. (It happens.) But at the end of the day, I remind myself that there are more than seven billion people in the world and it’s crAzy to let any ONE person dictate my life. Especially one I’m not with anymore.
3 You can’t control them. If they choose to be with someone else, then . . . that sucks. It will hurt. You will ugly cry and most likely send them a billion texts that are incoherent, and you will show up at your best friend’s apartment sobbing and begging for cuddles. (Not that this has happened to me or anything . . . ha!) But at the end of the day you can’t control them. You have to accept there is a reason you aren’t with them anymore. It takes time, but you’ll come to peace with it. Trust me, you will.
4 You are worth more. You will move on and you will be okay. You might not feel it RIGHT now, but I promise you it’s true. Life isn’t always fair, but love is. Even when you think it’s not. You will realize that there are people out there who will want to be with you and treat you right. And hopefully, one day, you can call your ex and have a nice conversation about your new partners. It CAN happen. It DOES happen. Hang on. Hold tight. I promise you’ll survive.
But until then, if you really can’t handle seeing their posts . . . Block them. Yes, it seems like an act of war, but your mental health and sanity come first. The only way to not check up on them is to not have the option to. I promise you it will feel SO liberating. They might be pissed, sure. But in time they will understand, and a possible friendship will be more likely if you both have the space and time to rehab your emotions.
At the end of the day, the best thing to do is go to a local park (I am #blessed to call my local park Central Park), turn your phone on Airplane mode (so U don’t receive any texts or notifications), and listen to your favorite playlist. I do that before I send any angry texts or look at my ex’s profile. At the end of my walk, I’ve usually calmed down and realized that it’s just not worth it.
Then again, sometimes . . .
Well, I’m just curious who that girl is who liked his profile picture on September 8, and now I’m on her cousin’s husband’s best friend’s page . . .
He’s kinda cute.
UGH.
2
MY CHRISTMAS OBSESSION
It’s 2:53 a.m. I’m in bed in Christmas pajamas*, watching The Family Stone**, and did I mention it’s June?
ME: Hi, my name is Abbie, and I have a Christmas addiction.
YOU: Hi, Abbie.
I don’t really know exactly when my obsession with Christmas happened. I’d like to think I was just born this way (cue Lady Gaga; love you, gurl), because I’ve always had this strange affinity for all things Christmas. It started full force when I was fourteen. My brothers, Ryan and Spencer, had both moved out, and I had become the only child. I was used to Ryan being gone because he’s eleven years older than me, and he went to college in Washington, DC, when I was really young. He’d come back for the summer and stay with us. But when I say “stay with us,” I mean he’d eat with us and shower and then go out with his friends. TEENAGERS, AMIRITE?
But Spencer is only four years older than me. He’d always been in the next room playing his guitar LOUDLY (which was super annoying because I was TRYING to listen to the High School Musical sound track on repeat UNDISTURBED). And although he was (and still is) an annoying big brother, I guess it was comforting having him there. Like, when I got in trouble with my parents, he understood what it was like.
But as I said: They’re both still annoying cuz they will read this and think I think they’re cool.
WHICH CAN’T HAPPEN OKAY?
And for a while after Spencer left it was cool on my own cuz I could just do whatever I wanted. I could play guitar and talk on the phone loudly about Glee without my brothers bothering me. But then I got kinda lonely. The apartment felt quiet and empty. I started to take a lot of comfort in knowing that they’d be home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I looked forward to it.
So . . .
I started watching Christmas movies. All the time. And listening to Christmas music. ALL THE TIME. IT WAS INSANITY.
I actually got yelled at for blasting Christmas music in my room late one night.
And it got to the point that whenever I was sad, I put on something like The Family Stone or Christmas with the Kranks or A Christmas Carol (the one with George C. Scott) or Elf or one of the other million Christmas movies I love, and I felt better.
A lot better.
I guess for me, Christmas is the one time of year when everything is COMPLETELY okay. And I mean usually things are okay, but this is when it’s FULLY okay. Like no boy drama or friend drama cuz everyone is just too happy eating gingerbread and chillin’ to be worried. . . . Okay, LAST year I had boy drama, but I mean IRRELEVANT. My whole family, some friends, my dogs and cats (and my turtle) are there. Everyone is there at Christmas . . . and everything just feels good and comfortable.
The point is . . .
Yes, it’s a strange obsession. Usually people are just like, “Oh my God, it’s so cold out, can’t wait for summer.” But I think summer is gross. Like, no offense, summer, but you are hot and humid and you mess up my eyeliner. And you make me tired. COLD AIR MAKES YOU FEEL EXCITED FOR HOLIDAY FESTIVITIES. No? Just me?
Well, okay, sometimes I wish winter would end like . . . January 2. . . . But . . . Yeah . . . Can’t always get what you want, I guess.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
But, I think if there’s one thing that you can always turn toward to make you feel better, even for a moment, you should hold on to that. Some people don’t have something like that. So if you do, whether it is Christmas or something else, who cares if it’s cheesy?
(And since when do people dislike cheese so much? I like cheese. I think cheese is a great food. Especially mozzarella, which we buy from Russo’s in NYC on Christmas Eve and it’s AMAZING.)
Okay, sorry. This is not a cheese chapter, though now I might make one cuz I really think cheese is underrated as a food group. Is it a food group? No. But dairy is. And what is in cheese? DAIRY.
I thought I’d add my Christmas routine so that you’d get a feel for why it’s so strange that I’m so obsessed with the holiday season.
9:00 a.m.
I wake up, go into the living room to see my family for a split second before I beeline to my stocking.
10:00 a.m.
I drag myself off of the couch and head out with my family to go to church.
10:10 a.m.
We stop at Starbucks on the way cuz I’m cliché. I also get a peppermint hot chocolate OR eggnog latte cuz again #BASICBITCH.
11:00 a.m.
We get to church. We church it up. #praise
12:30 p.m.
I stop at Bagels on the Square off Bleecker Street and pick up a bunch of bagels and some different cream cheese spreads. My favorite is a cinnamon-raisin bagel, toasted, with Dutch apple cream cheese cuz YOLO. My brothers go get Ess-a-Bagel for everyone else. It’s a family rivalry that will never be settled. #bagellove
1:30 p.m.
I am now back in my pajamas and eating and my family has started opening presents.
2:45 p.m.
It’s that awkward moment when someone gives you a gift and you don’t understand why their brain thought it would be a goo
d idea to give you said gift, so you’re just like “Omg thank you so kind of you thx,” but in your head, your inner monologue is like “Bitch, please.”
5:00 p.m.
Gift opening is coming to an end. WE HAVE A LARGE FAMILY. WE ARE NOT WASTEFUL, OKAY?
8:00 p.m.
After everyone has taken a slothlike nap from all the Christmas treats, we all go out to dinner at Tony’s. We are super orig.
10:30 p.m.
We come home, watch a movie (The Grinch), and go to sleep cuz we are all tuckered out from all of our festiveness.
Anyway. Now that you’ve LITERALLY gotten a play-by-play of my entire EXISTENCE, I hope this recipe for my great-great-grandmother’s nutmeg cookies makes it better.
NUTMEG
COOKIES
(AKA THE MOST DELICIOUS THINGS YOU WILL EVER EAT IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. THEY ARE JUST FILLED WITH WINTER JOY AND THEY WILL WARM YOUR SOUL TO ITS VERY CORE.)
1 cup sugar
½ cup shortening
¼ tsp. salt
½ tsp. nutmeg 2 eggs
1 cup buttermilk
½ tbsp. baking soda
2 cups flour
Mix it all together in a big bowl.
Roll it into little two-inch-wide cookie balls.
Grease a cookie sheet.
Throw it in the oven, 15 minutes, pre-heated to 350 degrees.
This May Sound Crazy Page 1