by Hall, S. E.
He tells me The Crew hit The Kickback last night and then all went to Zach’s game today, which the Eagles won. Now he was lying in his bed “missing me.”
“Dane, tell me something real. Tell me something as important as everything I tell you.” He has to do this, right this minute; it’s vital that he instill some trust in me. The next few sentences out of his mouth are as important as anything he’s ever said to me. I have to know this connection isn’t one-sided and goes deeper than physical attraction.
“You name it, baby, what would you like to know?”
I could probably get “the real number” out of him right now, the one every girl wonders the minute she decides she likes a guy. That’s not really what I want to know. Shoot, who am I kidding, yes I do…but I just can’t ask it. “So, let me think…how about one light and one heavy question, okay?”
“Anything, ask away.” He wouldn’t just agree like this if he didn’t know I’m testing the weight of us before I see Evan. I probably shouldn’t take advantage, but I want to feel close to him, emotionally, right now.
“What’s your middle name?” Crap, I’m off my game and jumped the gun. I wasted a coveted question on something I could easily found out elsewhere.
“Dane.”
“Uh…” I know what’s he saying, and want to know his first name, but I can’t ask or he may count it as my second question.
He snickers. “Don’t want to burn a question, huh?” Scary ESP on this boy. “Okay, I’ll be nice. My name is Michael Dane Kendrick. I go by Dane, my middle name.”
“I like it, Dane’s a beautiful name. It suits you. Not that Michael isn’t great, too.”
He’s amused by my long-winded response. “Thank you, baby.”
The knock at the door comes and I have to let him go before my “deep” question…of course.
“Laney, please call me when you’re done talking to him, okay?”
“Okay,” I sigh, the dread building up inside of me.
“Seriously, Laney, no matter what time, you call me.”
For a split second, the moment I see him, I forget that I’m mad at him. I forget we’re miles apart now. I forget all that I’ve done, become, and experienced without him. He’s so handsome, so familiar. He has bags under his eyes, which aren’t as sparkling blue as usual, but his slight smile still affects me.
“Hey, pretty.”
Look at him, my Tod, my best friend. The righter of wrongs, protector from evil, prom date, first kiss; standing before me in the flesh. Spending only a fraction of the time apart that we’ve spent together, I’ve let another slip in and divide us. How could I be so callous? How could I cast my forever aside so easily?
But it hadn’t been easy, and we had mutually agreed, no…I can’t keep doing this. I can’t feel guilty for feeling, for living; but I can feel guilty about only being completely honest with one of them. I’m about to fix it right now.
“Hey, come on in.” I scoot back to make room for him and close the door behind him. He sits on the couch and rests his arms on his knees, head in his hands. It takes him a while to gather himself and finally look at me where I sit at the opposite end of the couch.
“Laney, I’m so sorry…for so much. I’m sorry for what Kaitlyn did and for what she said last night. That drunk bitch followed me around all night, trying to tell me she loves me, but I didn’t give her the time of day, Laney, I swear. I hate her, you know I do.”
I want to believe him, if just for the sake of our friendship, but part of me doesn’t. “Why didn’t you leave when you saw her there?”
“Why should I leave? That bitch isn’t going to dictate where I go.”
No, just where I go. “Sometimes you have to be the bigger person and walk away, Evan. Staying just gave her the chance to keep following you, to keep talking to you. If it really bothered you, you would’ve left.” I cross my arms over my chest, eyebrows raised; challenging him to tell me I’m wrong.
He ponders on this a while before speaking. “You’re right. I know you’re right, but I was drunk and not thinking. I’m sorry, Laney, please forgive me.”
“I can’t be friends with you if you continue to allow her opportunities to be around you. I think of it as a direct betrayal.” Yeah, I can hear the hypocrisy in my words, but this is different—the base of everything is true friendship, and I haven’t betrayed that, and he shouldn’t, either. If you blatantly screw Evan over, well then, I’m done with you and I demand the same loyalty in return.
“I agree; it won’t happen again, Laney. I swear.”
“Okay, then I’ll forgive you.” I relax my shoulders. I do believe and forgive him, but I had to make sure he knows how serious I am about my stance.
He moves close to me and puts his arms around me. I can’t help it, I breathe in his scent, soak up his feel and I think of what could have been.
“Can I stay with you tonight? I miss you so much, munchkin. I love you so much, I need to hold you.”
God, what do I do?
“I miss you too, Evan, all the time, but I can’t do the merry-go-round thing anymore. I’m making myself crazy trying to figure out you and me or me and Dane.” Oh shit, it just popped out. I didn’t want to tell him like this.
“Who the fuck is Dane?” he growls, his back bowing.
“I-I told you about him. I met him at school. He’s part of my group of friends, my roommate dates his brother, remember?”
“Vaguely. I don’t remember you telling me anything much. Now you have to figure you and him out? What’s that mean?” His face is red and his eyes narrow.
“Lower your voice, Evan, you’re gonna wake up Dad!” I angry-whisper at him.
“Sorry,” he says, much lower, “but tell me, Laney. Tell me about Dane, right now.”
“I don’t know what to say, really. First of all, he knows about you; our past, our problems with distance, how I feel about you. He likes me and he wants me to be his girlfriend or whatever.”
“Have you fucked him?”
Whack—I straight up slap the shit out of him. “Get out!” I whisper-scream this time.
“No. Shit, sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.” He runs his hand over his face, up and down, trying to scrub out the anger. “I was wrong to say that, but you don’t get to just drop a bomb and throw me out. I deserve better than that, Laney. I deserve an explanation. I’m not leaving; slap me again if you want, but you’re telling me everything.”
“You ever talk to me like that again, Evan Mitchell Allen, and it’ll be the last time you ever speak to me, you understand?” I’m so mad I might take him up on the offer to slap him again.
“Yes, I understand, and I’m sorry, Laney. That’s all I do anymore is apologize to you. What happened to us?” His question comes out choked.
“Life, that’s what happened to us.” I’m not sure exactly what it even means, but I’m completely sure it’s the right answer.
“Ain’t that the truth…so tell me, please, Laney? I’m dying over here.”
“No, I haven’t slept with him, but you already knew that. I also haven’t let him shove his face in my cleavage. You know me better than that.” I quirk a brow and wait for him to make the connection. I honestly hadn’t planned on ever throwing it in his face, but I’m thinking Evan threw down the gauntlet already.
His face pales and his eyes dart away from mine. Finally he whispers, “What do you want to know about it?”
“What do you want to tell me?”
At a couple spots in his story about initiation, Bulldog Babes, parties, seeing the picture on my phone, I actually think he’s going to cry, but he doesn’t. It was obvious I couldn’t possibly make him feel any worse about himself than he already does, and that’s not my goal here, anyway. At least he knows now that I know, so he can stop with the holier than thou act for the rest of our Dane conversation.
“I have kissed Dane, but that’s all…well, physically anyway. He did buy me a necklace.” I take a deep, deep breath. “A
nd, well, he, uh, he sorta took me to Disney World for my birthday.” 3, 2, 1…
“WHAT?!” He jumps up from the couch this time, arms flying out, chest heaving.
“Evan, again with the volume! I’m gonna quit talking if you can’t keep it down.” I scowl at him; this is probably way too serious a conversation to be having while my dad is asleep, but going outside is out, we’d just wake up the whole neighborhood.
“You went on a trip with a guy you barely know? Who are you, Laney? And why is this guy going all out if you’ve only ever kissed him?” He hisses the last part; it’s not a pretty side of him. I knew he’d really flip about the trip and honestly, it was pretty out of character of me, but I just know I’m safe with Dane…just like I know I’m safe with Evan.
“Well, I don’t know, Evan, maybe he sees something in me. You do wonderful things for me all the time and I don’t put out for you!”
“Ah, babe.” He sits back down and runs his hand down my arm. “I know you’re worth it, but he doesn’t. He barely knows you. I just question his motives. If he knows you’re mine, he’s a douche for making a play.”
“Actually, he made it clear he wouldn’t make a play if I was with you, and I’m not, remember? He didn’t touch me on that trip, Evan. He really did it just to be nice.”
“Bullshit, we didn’t agree to go kissing other people! I may have done some stupid shit, but I haven’t kissed anyone! And you can bet I’m not taking trips with anyone or buying them jewelry. Damn, Laney, what is this guy to you? Have I lost you?”
I can see the tears in his eyes and it splinters me. My sweet, sweet Evan. This boy, not so long ago, represented all that was good in my life, all that I could ever want. Now I’m ripping his heart out.
“I don’t know, Evan. All I know is I love you, always.” I move closer and wrap one hand around his neck to stroke his hair and make him feel the weight of my words and solace. “If you were there, we’d be together, just like we planned and wanted. But you’re not there, and he is and he’s good to me. I like him, and yes, I’m attracted to him. He wants me, with no romantic ties to you, but I told him very clearly that I do love you and I won’t hurt you.”
“But you are hurting me. Nothing could hurt more; nothing.” He lifts my chin, demanding I look at him. “I love you, Laney and I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you. I know you were just lonely and I don’t blame you. I haven’t been perfect, either, but I will be. For you, I will be.”
He pulls me into his strong arms and holds on tightly. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit it feels cathartically wonderful in his arms. There’s nowhere in the world like Evan’s embrace. It’s here and only here that I find total acceptance, unconditional love, and a man’s desire for only me.
“You don’t even know this Dane. You know me, Laney, you know us. I won’t let you mistake companionship for love. I won’t let you throw us away.”
Absolutely everything he just said makes sense and speaks directly to my heart. Do I want to play two guys? No. Is he right, do I only want Dane because he’s there? No. Granted, he would have never gotten near me if Evan had been there, but had he, I still would’ve been tempted. Dane pulled me from across the room the minute I met him, undeniably. But I already knew this, thus my dizziness. My thoughts are just wicked circles these days.
“I don’t know what you want me to say, Evan. I love you. I don’t love him, but I like him. I wish you were there and that this never happened, but—”
He silences me with his fingers, rubbing my lips gently. “You must be drained, sweetness, you go to bed and don’t worry over this nonsense. I’ll fix everything, Laney.” He pulls me in for a hug and a kiss on the forehead. “I’m really sorry for speaking out of line to you and you know I didn’t mean it. I adore you, Laney. I always have and I always will.”
He looks at me for my acceptance and I give him a weak smile. He’s right; I’m absolutely exhausted, physically and emotionally. He doesn’t mention staying with me again and I head to bed.
Chapter 32
Calling Card
~Evan~
I wait for Laney to get to her bedroom and shut the door before I grab her phone and forward his contact to mine. No cute pet name, just “Dane.” No song attached. I still have a shot. I know my Laney, and if she hasn’t attached a song, he hasn’t cracked through her layers all the way to the center yet.
I thought about texting him from her phone and telling him “I’d” changed my mind and to leave “me” alone, but being the recent victim of phone fraud, I’m not going to sink that low. No, I’ll go man to man with him all day long. When Laney finds out, she’ll be pissed, but she’ll get over that. She might not get over this Dane prick if I don’t do something, though, and it’s that thinking that propels me to proceed; without caution.
When I’m clear of her house, I dial him; sure he’ll be up waiting for her to call. “Hello?”
“Yeah, is this Dane?”
“It is. Who’s this?”
“This is Evan Allen.” I let that sink in for a minute. Ya douche—you know who I am.
“What can I do for you, Evan? Where’s Laney?”
“Laney’s in bed. She’s had a very long day, not that you need to worry about it. What you can do for me, Dane, is stay the fuck away from her. What kind of guy goes after another man’s girl?”
“Evan, listen, I’ve heard a lot of great things about you and what you’ve done for Laney. So out of respect for that, I don’t want to be rude, but what’s between me and Laney is none of your business. I won’t discuss her with you behind her back.”
“Don’t pull that shit with me, like you respect her and I’m betraying her. No one cares about that girl more than me. I love her more than my own life and I’m not about to walk away.”
“Really? I thought you’d already done that.” Now he’s taking me from pissed to drive there and kick his ass mad. I want to go real country on his ass right about now.
“Whatever, man, I had school. I didn’t walk away just for the hell of it. Either way, it’s none of your fucking business. I’ve been beside that girl for ten years, you’ve been there for ten minutes, so don’t ever kid yourself that you know our story.”
“Evan, I understand your position, I really do. I can’t imagine losing a girl like Laney, it would make me crazy, too, but this is not for you and me to decide. We can’t duel it out for her hand, that’s hers to give.”
“I haven’t lost her and she gave her hand to me! If you care about her, back off! You’re just confusing her and stressing her out.”
“I will do whatever Laney asks me to do…Laney, not you. Have a good night.”
I’m not sure what that phone call accomplished. It didn’t make me feel any better and his proper ass shows no signs of backing off anytime soon. His calm rationale and confidence in what he has with Laney burns through me like acid. How is it that he’s he all smug about where he stands with Laney and I’m standing here doubting everything I thought I knew about us?
I have to narrow our gap, literally. Laney Jo Walker is my future, no way I’m gonna stand back and let some tool blind her with fancy trips and gifts. There’s no way he’s had enough time to steal her whole heart. His time stops now.
The next morning I knock on the door nervously, not sure how I’ll find Laney on the other side. If Dane told her I called him, then I’m sure to be greeted by my lil hellcat. Luckily, she opens it with a sleepy smile. “Hey.”
“Morning sunshine, how you feeling today?”
“Better, more grounded. Come on in, Dad’s in front of the TV. Go keep him company, please. I’ll get breakfast.”
I watch her walk half-dazed to the kitchen, she’s so not a morning person, but cute as hell. I can’t wait until she wakes up in my arms every day. My Laney…please God, don’t let anyone take her. If you give me this, I swear to wake her every morning with ‘good morning, beautiful’ and kiss her to sleep every night. I’ll keep her safe and hold her tight. I’ll take
care of her, I swear it.
“Hey, Mr. Walker, how are you?”
“There he is; how are you, son?” He stands and gives me a hug; he calls me son. Dane doesn’t even know him. He has no idea what lure he throws for top water or his favorite NFL team. Too bad Laney’s dad doesn’t get the deciding vote. I’d win that shit hands down.
“I’m good, glad to be home.” I give him the most sincere smile I can despite the sadness inside me. My angel is slipping away. I never thought I’d see the day. Another man’s lips have touched hers. He’d shown her Disney World, like only her biggest dream come true. I’ve probably already lost and the thought causes a very real crushing feeling in my chest.
He asks me about school and ball. I concentrate to keep up my end of the conversation, telling him we’re 2-0 in conference play. That news makes him smile and scrub my head.
Laney walks in with a breakfast tray for her dad. “You want something, Ev?”
“No thanks, lil bit, I already ate at home. Your Dad and I were just talking about school.”
She looks over to me and holds my stare. Can she feel it? Does she know that I’ll do anything for her? “Are you happy there, Evan?” she asks.
She wants me to say yes so that she knows I’m fine without her. No matter what, Laney would never simply disregard my feelings, but I don’t want to be her pity pick. I want her to want me, like the way she did before I left her. I left her. This is all my fault.
“I’d be happier if you were there.” I give a simple answer for the sake of her dad and pat the seat beside me for her to sit.
The rest of the late morning is spent watching TV and visiting with her dad and by the time we’ve finished lunch I still haven’t found any time to talk to Laney alone. We’ve both got to get back on the road soon, and before I know it, I’m loading her bag for her.
She meets me on the porch on my way back in. “Evan, what do we do, ya know, about…us?” She looks anywhere but at me and I see the tears in her eyes, about to fall. “Please tell me you know, Evan, because I don’t have a clue. I don’t know anything anymore. “