by Bell, Julia
I lay quietly in his arms and thought over what he had just said. He intended to show more restraint towards me and it caused me distress. But I couldn’t understand why.
Three days later we met for the last time. I wondered if he felt as sad as I did and I watched his face as we talked and tried to read something in his eyes, something that would tell me that he would miss me. But true to his word, Karl was more restrained both in his speech and manner.Our final time together was tender and he held me tightly, kissing my lips and cheeks, my nose and chin.
Afterwards, he wrapped his arms round me and I rested my head on his chest. I knew he was waiting for me to fall asleep and I pretended that I had and I felt him slip out of bed to get dressed. I heard him walking towards the door and it seemed he paused for quite a few seconds and I wondered if he was looking at me for the last time. I nearly opened my eyes, but resisted the temptation. And when the door eventually closed behind him, the tears began to gush, soaking my hair and the pillow. I would never see him again and I had grown to love him desperately. I thought my heart would break in two.
“Well, that’s that, my dear,” said Mrs Holland, patting my knee. I was sitting on the couch next to her and having yet another cup of tea. How many cups of tea had I had with Mrs Holland? Again, the table was covered with the tasty treats that were afternoon tea, but I felt unable to eat anything. I felt leaden and my head ached incessantly. “We need to organise your next visit and then it should be plain sailing from then on.”
“My next visit,” I repeated listlessly.
Mrs Holland nodded. “I want you to visit me when your monthly bleeding is three weeks late. By my calculation that should be the first week in November. Come at the usual time, four o’clock.”
“What happens if my bleeding starts?”
“Come anyway.” She watched me. “Are you all right?”
I shivered. “Yes.”
“Did you sleep?”
Yes, I had slept. It was a routine I had become used to. But I had cried myself to sleep and now felt like a rag doll and didn’t care what Mrs Holland asked me to do. I would do it without question, without enthusiasm, without the will to fight back. A man had just walked out of my life after melting a heart that had been turned to ice by the loss of my husband. After Daniel, I had vowed I would never love again and face the terrible pain if I lost him. But I had lost him since Karl was as good as dead to me.
Mrs Holland was still watching me. “He left you something.”
I nearly dropped my cup in surprise. “He did?”
She rose from her chair. Opening a drawer in the bureau, she took out a small box and placed it in my hand. It was square and covered with red velvet. I opened it and inside lay a beautiful gold fob watch, the face made of ivory, the numbers and hands of jet, the clasp decorated with an intricate leaf design, the rim round the face studded with tiny diamonds.
“He didn’t leave a message with it, I’m afraid. He simply instructed me to make sure you received it when you woke up. I surmise he thought you’d understand.”
I held it to the light and it glowed and sparkled.
“I suppose it’s a memento of all the appointments we’ve had,” I whispered.
“Well, it’s really lovely, my dear,” said Mrs Holland, matter-of-factly.
I wondered if she disagreed with such a gift. Perhaps she believed it smacked too much of affection when the agreement should be kept on a strict business level. But I loved my gift and as I placed it tenderly back in its box, I felt happier. Karl was telling me that he did care and that he would never forget me.
October was a sorry month. It seemed to rain a great deal but my routine fell into place once more, the days very much like they were before I met Karl. I became busy, with my students either delighting or irritating me depending on their various abilities. Francis was my supreme joy, but I was pleased that Melissa was showing some improvement. I had managed to get her to sing in a lower key and it was actually working. Or at least she didn’t screech as much. I had given up on Charity.
I thought of Karl often and sometimes I wished my memory of him could be erased. But then I would open the box that contained his gift and I would smile. I wondered what he was doing and where he was. But I never wondered about his real name. He was Karl and that was all I needed to know.
“That’s a beautiful watch,” said Nan, gazing at my bodice.
“Do you like it?” I gave Danny another spoonful of porridge. He had his own spoon now and was trying to fill it from the bowl and manoeuvre it into his mouth, often with disastrous results.
“As I said, it’s beautiful. Where did you get it?”
“From the mother of one of my pupils…She wanted to thank me…It’s a gift…” I had only started wearing it the day before. I hadn’t had the courage up to that point.
“Is that so? It’s an expensive gift.”
“She was delighted with the improvement in her daughter this last year.” I smiled and added weakly, “It’s nice to be appreciated.”
“Well, I just hope the improvement continues or she might want it back,” said Nan dryly.
I left for my first lesson of the day. Two weeks had passed since my last meeting with Karl and my monthly bleeding was seven days late. That had only happened after I had fallen pregnant with Danny so I was convinced that I was expecting Karl’s child. I felt happy.
“Oh, my goodness!” Gwilym’s eyes opened wide with surprise. “What on earth is this!”
It was the end of October, his birthday and he had joined us for dinner. He had just unwrapped my gift and opened the box.
“Is it all right?” I asked eagerly. He was sitting in the armchair by the fire and I was on the floor at his knee. I watched him lift out the stethoscope.
“All right! This is a Galante! You can’t buy a better one and it’s the most expensive one on the market.” He frowned. “Oh, Issy, I hope you haven’t spent all your money.”
“You deserve the best. You’ve worked so hard.”
“But I thought you were saving for your fees?”
“I am, but you’ll be a doctor before I’m an opera singer.”
He licked his lips and I saw him quickly glance at the watch pinned on my bodice.
“Well, thank you.” He bent and kissed my cheek. “I’ll save a few lives with this.” Danny brought his wooden horse over to us and I took it from him. “Pull his shirt up and I’ll listen to his heart.” I did what he asked and he put the stethoscope over my baby’s chest. He listened for about fifteen seconds and then smiled. “Absolutely perfect. A really strong heart. As strong as a horse.”
Danny said ‘horsy’ and started to neigh before galloping round the room. I laughed with delight but then saw Gwilym and Nan exchange worried glances. I knew what they were thinking. A valuable watch, an expensive stethoscope. They were starting to worry about me, but I felt happy and I brushed off their concerns as inconsequential. Everything was going to be wonderful.
But things weren’t wonderful one week later. November arrived and I had planned to visit Mrs Holland on the fifth. That would be the date when I was three weeks late. It was two days before that I awoke feeling nauseated. I lay quietly, trying to steady my sickness. It was still dark and I couldn’t see Danny sleeping in his cot. He was starting to sleep longer now, sometimes until gone six o’clock so I assumed it mustn’t be six yet. The nausea persisted and then I couldn’t hold it any longer. I jumped out of bed and bent over the chamber pot, retching and choking. It was painful and I gasped.
“Mama, Mama,” said Danny from his cot.
“Stay where you are. Mama will be there soon.” I retched again.
Danny could now say quite a few words, but he understood almost everything that was said to him. Usually when I told him to do something, he was very good at obeying me, but it was dark and he was frightened.
“Mama! Mama!” he cried and I could hear the terror in his voice.
But I couldn’t leave the pot
. I knelt on the floor and I knew the noises I was making would alarm him.
“Mama’s coming,” I panted. But it was too late. I heard Danny climbing out of the cot. “No, Danny! Stay where you are!”
He ran in the direction of my voice and there was a sickening bang and then a thud, followed by a terrible silence. Sick or not I had to get to my baby and I hurried to the drawer and found the box of matches. With shaking hands I lit the mantle of the gas lamp and then gave a cry of horror. Danny was lying on the floor, a large cut to his forehead and blood pouring from the wound after colliding with the edge of the dressing table. I picked him up in my arms and let out a scream as I crashed through the door and onto the landing.
Nan hurried out of her bedroom, her hair in curlers. “Dear Lord, what happened?”
“He climbed out of bed,” I sobbed. “It was dark and he ran into the dressing table.” I held the limp little body in my arms. “Oh, God! Please let him be all right.” I ran downstairs with Nan close behind and lay him on the couch, rubbing his arms, his legs, trying to wake him up. Blood covered his face. “Please, please, wake up,” I begged, tears pouring down my cheeks.
Nan ran into the kitchen and brought back a tea towel. “Press this over the wound. It will help it stop bleeding. I’ll go and fetch Doctor Hemmings.” She slipped her coat over her nightgown and rushed out of the door and into the bitter cold darkness.
Doctor Hemmings lived in the next street and I knew it wouldn’t take Nan long to reach his house. I waited anxiously, pressing the tea towel on the wound, constantly caressing my little boy’s face. Suddenly his eyes flickered and he let out a wail. And then he was in my arms, clinging onto me and crying with fright. By the time Nan arrived back with the doctor, Danny was sitting up. Doctor Hemmings rushed in with Nan on his heels and I could see he had pulled on his clothes in a hurry. He sat on the couch and examined the patient.
After a few minutes of looking into his eyes and feeling his head, he gave a sigh. “He obviously knocked himself out with the blow. But children are very resilient, they can bounce back from a fall a lot more easily than an adult can. I’ll need to stitch that cut, though.”
Nan brought some hot water from the kitchen and I carefully washed my baby’s face so that the doctor could see the wound clearly. He opened his bag and brought out the instruments he would need as well as a gauze square and bandage. He put three neat stitches in the wound, applied the gauze and wrapped the bandage round his patient’s small head.
“He looks like a wounded soldier,” I said sadly.
Danny gave me a bright smile and tried to climb off the couch. I helped him down and he became engrossed in his toys.
“He’ll be all right,” nodded the doctor. “He’ll probably have a scar but nothing to worry about. Look he’s already wanting to play.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. That incident had frightened me and from that moment on I would become even more protective of my son. But it had also made me angry. The child growing inside me had caused my son a serious injury and I would never let it happen again. The developing life meant nothing to me except a means to an end.
CHAPTER TEN
“How severe is your sickness?” Mrs Holland peered at me over gold-rimmed spectacles.
“I’ve been sick the last three mornings,” I said.
She patted my knee. “Well, you’re three weeks late and you have morning sickness, so that can only mean one thing.”
“And that’s what I’m here for,” I said sullenly.
It was strange to be back in Mrs Holland’s pink and white parlour that had once seemed so familiar to me. Now I felt like a stranger.
“It will be a few months yet before I can physically verify your pregnancy, but I think we can assume you’re enceinte.” She smiled pleasantly and rose from her seat. Walking over to the bureau, she went inside and found a piece of paper. I saw her take a pen and scribble something on it and then she sat back down again studying the paper carefully. “Now, I want you to take this list to the pharmacy, so that he can make up these tonics and pills.” She passed the list to me.
I glanced down it and noticed a few things I recognised such as ginger and cod liver oil. But then at the bottom I saw St John’s wort.
“Isn’t St John’s wort for melancholy?” I asked in surprise.
She nodded. “Yes, my dear. And a few weeks of it won’t go amiss with you. I can see that you are rather low in spirit. But that must be expected.”
I couldn’t see why. I hadn’t felt like that with Danny.
“Well, I must assume it’s for my own good.”
“The ginger will help your sickness and everything else is to build up your health.”
“I’m quite healthy.”
“You certainly are, my dear. But the baby will take everything it needs and you’ll need a little help along the way.” She leaned forward and pressed a guinea into my hand. “Take this for your expenses.”
I felt indignant. “I can pay my own way thank you.”
“Oh dear, we are snappish this morning.” Her blue eyes sparkled with amusement.
I grimaced. “I’m sorry, Mrs Holland. I’m tired and out of sorts.”
“So I see. But I’ve been instructed that you should be looked after financially as well as medically. You’ll receive a guinea every time you visit me to cover your costs. Mr Karl and his good lady wish it that way.” I started at the mention of his name. I looked across at the drinks’ cabinet and in my mind’s eye I could see him standing there, a glass of brandy in his hand, smiling at me. Mrs Holland continued with her instructions. “From this moment on I want you to eat plenty of fruit and vegetables, including liver.” I pulled a face. “Yes, liver. And the best meat you can buy. If you need the doctor for anything then you must send the bill to me. It doesn’t matter what it’s for. Is that understood?”
I nodded. “Will you be telling Karl and…his wife about this visit.”
“Of course. They want to know every detail of your pregnancy.” She picked up the diary propped up against her chair. “I want to see you in a month. Goodness, we’ll be thinking of Christmas by then.” She reached across and squeezed my hand. “I know we shouldn’t pre-empt anything, but I’m going to tell them that you seem to be showing the early signs of pregnancy and all being well, they will have a baby in the summer.”
I followed Stephanie up the aisle the following morning, feeling wretched. The sickness was far worse than I had had with Danny and I prayed that this affliction would pass soon. I had heard of it lasting all through the nine months and the very thought filled me with despair.
Stephanie looked wonderful, dressed in Nan’s exquisite creation of ivory brocade. She had completed the ensemble with a cloak, in ivory plushette with fur round the hood and as Stephanie floated up the aisle on the arm of her father, I felt some relief in that she not only looked beautiful, but also very happy. She carried a small white Bible instead of the usual bridal bouquet. I had been pleased with my powder blue velvet gown that hugged my figure at the front, but then fell into an extravagant bustle at the back. I loved my new hat trimmed with blue ribbons and artificial flowers that matched those pinned in the bride’s fair locks. I decided to put the outfit away and wear it if I ever went out for the evening. Not that I went out often. My social life had come to a grinding halt since Mr Felix Russell’s departure. But perhaps one day I would wear it for a special occasion.
November continued and then it was December and my next scheduled visit to Mrs Holland. This turned out to be straightforward. She peered at me through her spectacles and gently pulled down my lower eyelids checking for anaemia. She grunted in satisfaction and then established that I had been taking the tonics as instructed and eating well. I felt irritated and thought her an old fusspot, but then I remembered she was being employed to carry out these duties and was obliged to do it to her best ability.
She pressed another guinea into my hand. “For your expenses, my dear.”
“
You’re very generous,” I smiled impishly.
“My lady and gentleman left me plenty of funds and my instructions are that you mustn’t go short.”
I glanced round the room and tried to imagine Karl standing there, but my memory seemed to be fuzzy.
“Are they pleased?” I asked quietly.
Mrs Holland nodded. “I’ve told them that everything is going well and that on your next visit I’ll be able to examine you and confirm it for certain.”
“Have you told them when the baby is due?”
She lifted her chin and chuckled. “Yes, but I think it was a big mistake.” I looked at her quizzically and she explained, “I had to stop my lady from rushing out and buying the layette and all the equipment for the nursery. I told her to wait until May at least.”
I wasn’t interested in her lady, or the impending nursery, or the baby come to that. But Karl was a different matter.
“Is he well?”
Mrs Holland hesitated before answering. “He’s very well.”
“And happy?”
“Very happy.”
I decided not to ask any more painful questions.
“I haven’t needed the doctor at all,” I said trying to change the subject. “But I hope I don’t need him in the spring otherwise he might notice that I’ve put on weight.”
“He won’t do that.”
“Why not?”
“Arrangements will be made long before we get to the spring.”
I pressed my lips together. I wasn’t interested in the arrangements either.
Gwilym brought in a tree and we spent an hour decorating it. Danny’s eyes sparkled as he helped me hang gingerbread men on the branches.
“We’ll have goose and all the trimmings,” I told Nan and Gwilym, trying to sound enthusiastic. “And plum pudding afterwards. But before that I want us all to go to Covent Garden and see Die Fledermaus. It will be my treat. Mrs Hemmings said she’d look after Danny for me.” I ignored their stunned expressions and continued, “And then on New Year’s Eve I thought we would attend the dinner dance at the Guildhall.”