by Karen Booth
Now she was asking these questions? At least I didn't feel so guilty for the torrent of doubts that coursed through my head that day at the diner. I pulled her into a hug. “First off, you love him and that's all that matters. I'm proud of you for taking this leap and listening to your heart.”
“Are you really proud? You're not mad?”
I rocked her back and forth, our cheeks pressed against each other. Amy was two inches or so shorter than me, so I had to stoop a bit. “I’m not mad. I could never be mad at you. You know that.” There were a lot of other things attempting to run out of my mouth, but I had to hold it all in. The minute I started confessing my own unease and sadness, it would be hard to make it stop. And it would be even harder to take it back. “I love you and I'm happy that you're happy. Luke is amazing. You'd be crazy not to want to be with him. You guys will do great. I know it.”
“I wish I knew for sure. I wish I didn't question every damn thing. It's not a good way to live.”
Welcome to my world. “It's okay to question things. The important part is that you didn't let it paralyze you. You're taking the leap. That's the way to live your life.” Maybe that was what I needed to do. Take more leaps. Stop shuffling through everything. “Just focus on the wedding and you'll do great. It'll be an amazing day. And you know you love it when you're the center of attention.”
“Yeah. I do like that.” She laughed quietly. “It'll be nice to see Dad for a happy family occasion. It's been a long time since we've had one of those.”
“Everything okay?” Luke asked. “I can come back if you need me to.”
Amy wrenched herself from my embrace. She wiped away a tear with the back of her hand. “No. I'm fine. Just sister talk.”
The concern that crossed his face was so warm and genuine I had to wonder how the guy had managed to stay single for so long. “Tell you what. It's been a long day,” he said. “How about I run down to the Thai place across the street and get us all some dinner?”
Amy's expression brightened like someone had just flipped a switch inside of her. I was such an ass for doubting Luke. He was a good guy. Of course he was. My sister was whip smart and almost as skeptical of people as me. She would've taken nothing less. “Oh, my God, yes. I'm starving. And that way we can have one last dinner together before we head out.”
“Katherine? You in? My treat,” Luke said.
“Of course. Sounds great. I'll open a bottle of wine.”
“Perfect.” Luke pressed a kiss to Amy's cheek. “Pad Thai with shrimp; extra peanuts and cilantro?”
Amy nodded. “You know it.”
He turned to me, his earnest blue eyes leading the way. It was uncanny how well the color matched his well-worn jeans. “Katherine?”
“Chicken Panang. I don't need any extra anything. Just the normal way.”
“Mild, medium, or spicy?”
“Medium.”
“Got it. I'll be back in a few.” With that, Luke was out the door.
“See?” I asked. “He's so great. You're a lucky bitch.”
“That's my line, Katherine. It just doesn't work when you say it.”
I shook my head. “You don't know what you're talking about. Now let me get the broom so you can clean the floor in your room before you go.”
We worked on tidying up while Luke was fetching food. When we were done, we stood together in the doorway of her room, admiring our handiwork. Except for the bookshelf, and Amy's bed, which she didn't need anymore, everything was gone. A clean slate.
“What are you going to do with this room now?”
I shrugged. “No clue. Leave it empty for now. I'll figure something out.” I knew very well that this apartment was too big for one person. I was going to have to move when the lease was up in April.
“Maybe Eamon could set up his guitar stuff in here.”
“I guess. I don't really know how long he's staying when he gets here. A month or two, if we make it. Then he goes to record and after that, I'm guessing he'll go back to Ireland.” The thought of going with him back to Ireland held some appeal, but it could only be for a short time. I didn't think I could separate myself from Amy. What if she and Luke decided to have kids? I had to be there to be amazing Aunt Katherine, the one who lets her nieces and nephews have chocolate ice cream for dinner and never enforces bedtime.
“Did he not say that he didn't want to pursue anything unless it was serious?”
“Well, yeah, but…” As the words came out of my mouth, I realized exactly how dense I'd been, so focused on the idea of him coming back that I hadn't thought about how long he might stay. I hadn't entertained the idea that it might be forever. As far as I knew, his ex-wife and daughter still lived in Ireland. I needed to ask him a lot more questions.
“But what? You two are going to need to talk about this. Soon.”
I sighed. I’d been focused on the prospect of phone sex. Now I had to think about more important issues. “Yeah. You're right.”
“Food’s here,” Luke called from the other room.
“Let's eat. You can stress out about Eamon later,” Amy said. “After we leave.”
“Can't wait.”
I followed Amy out into the living room and into the kitchen. Luke was unloading the cartons of take-out, lining everything up on the counter. Amy got out the plates and silverware while I opened the bottle of wine, a light-bodied French red I figured would go okay with our meal. Luke handed over Amy's Pad Thai, which was perfectly arranged on the plate, lime wedges and all.
The three of us settled in the living room, the only place to eat in our apartment. I let them take the couch and I sat on the floor in front of the coffee table with my legs curled up under me. Amy poured the wine while I made note of how adorable she and Luke looked together. They were going to make very pretty babies, with squeezable cheeks and thick hair. I couldn't wait for that to happen.
“Cheers.” I held up my glass. “To the happy couple and new beginnings.” I wasn't sure exactly where that had come from. I only knew that I wanted Amy to leave on a good note. I didn't want her to feel bad about any of it.
Amy knocked her head to the side and jutted out her lower lip. “Thank you. Thank you for everything. For helping today, and for being my maid of honor, and for agreeing to help with wedding planning.”
“Yes, thank you. I don't know what we would do without you,” Luke added.
“Happy to do whatever you guys need. I'm there for you.” I loaded up my fork with curry and took a big bite.
“So, Katherine, are you ready to meet my family at the engagement party next week? They can be a bit of a handful,” Luke said.
I choked. And then I sucked in a lungful of Thai chiles. The heat registered first in my brain. This is not medium. This is Chernobyl. My throat was engulfed in fire. My eyes flooded with water. I slurped down some wine, but it just spread the heat. I flapped my hand, fanning the air in front of my lips. As if that was going to help. “Water. Need water.” I scrambled to my knees and ran into the kitchen, fighting back the urge to stick my face under the faucet. I poured myself a glass of water and downed it, but it only helped a little.
“Drink milk,” Luke said, nearly as frantic as I was. “It will help to dilute the capsaicin.”
“I don't have any milk,” I gasped. Even breathing hurt right now. “I have half and half. I'm not drinking that.”
“Ice cream?”
I nodded furiously as I poured myself another glass of water. Luke lunged for the freezer, grabbed the carton of coffee gelato and dug out a heaping spoonful. I let him feed it to me like I was a little kid, but the instant it hit my lips and tongue, I felt so much better. My shoulders dropped. Relief. “Oh, my God. Thank you so much. I have never eaten anything so hot in my entire life.”
Amy walked into the room. “Everything okay in here?”
I took another bite of gelato. “Yes. Luke saved me.”
“For a minute there, I was worried you just didn't want to talk about the eng
agement party,” she said, not seeming the least bit concerned about the fact that her sister had just nearly died from Thai food.
Between this and the scene in the bedroom, it felt like she was waiting for me to be a downer about her wedding. But I refused to be that person and I was not going to let her goad me into it, either. I would not rain on her parade. No way, no how. “Are you kidding? I can't wait for the engagement party. I'm really looking forward to meeting Luke's family.”
“My parents are so excited. It's all they talk about. My aunt and uncle are flying in from Omaha. They wouldn't miss this for the world.” He nodded and smiled, continuing to feed me ice cream. I just went with it, watching as the expression on his face never wavered from true enthusiasm. “My brothers and my sister will be there, of course. I have two cousins coming, one from Florida, one lives in New Jersey. Then there's my best man, and the other groomsmen of course, and some old friends from school and some of my neighbors.”
“On our side, it's you and the other bridesmaids,” Amy said.
“Great. Sounds great.” I managed a smile, even though my lips were still throbbing. I was going to have to start psyching myself up for this. A room full of strangers who were about to become family? This was going to mean questions. Likely lots of questions. About our parents, our childhood—precisely the reason I avoided those situations.
“We tried to keep it small. Just like the wedding.”
It made me wonder what the size of the final guest list would be. This did not sound small. “Don't worry about me. It's a happy time. It'll be fun.” I smiled again. In any normal family, yes, this would be fun. For Amy and me? Complicated. I had to give my sister credit for attempting this at all. “Should we get back to dinner?”
“Do you want me to run down to the Thai place and get you a new order of Panang?” Luke asked.
“You're sweet, but no. I'm not really hungry. I'll have another glass of wine while you finish eating, and let you guys be on your way.”
I kept to drinking while Luke and Amy finished their dinner. We talked about the wedding, about their notion that this wasn't going to be a large affair, just a small intimate gathering at the country club Luke’s family belonged to. Of course, they lived out in Westchester County, so I already knew it was going to be all kinds of swanky. Another step into the unfamiliar, when the familiar had become perfectly comfortable. Maybe that was my problem.
I cleaned up the dishes while Amy and Luke gathered the last of her things. Then it was time to say goodbye. I didn't want to prolong my agony, so I just hugged her. “I’ll talk to you sometime this week,” I said.
“Shut up. You'll text me tomorrow and it'll make my whole day.”
I smiled through the tears, not wanting to let her go. “Deal.”
She stood back and grabbed my shoulders. “You'll always be my sister, Katherine. Moving out won't change that. Nothing can change that.”
“You're right.” I nodded. “Nobody can take that away.”
Chapter Seven
The first guy I went out with after I left Ireland was Dan. Dan, the Doomed. Everything Dan did was measured by the yardstick of Eamon MacWard. It wasn’t his fault that he didn’t look as good in jeans, or couldn’t really pull off five o’clock shadow all day long. There was no blaming him for his perfectly average voice or the fact that he didn’t make my heart flutter when he walked into a room. No, it wasn't fair that Dan had so much to live up to, but sometimes life just isn't fair.
I'd hesitate to call Dan an actual boyfriend, even though we dated for nearly two months. Dan was a stand-in. Our relationship never moved beyond sex, and just like an addict, I wanted it all the time. Dan was always on board, and he tried. Good God, he tried. But what Dan and I had wasn't going anywhere. I was too busy trying to show myself that what Eamon and I had shared was merely physical, and therefore, easily replaced. I'd been epically wrong.
Kissing was the most unfortunate part with Dan. He was greedy and desperate like he was worried he'd never get another kiss in his entire life. There was no finesse. There was certainly no artistry.
Slower. Don't rush.
But I want you. I want you to know how much I want you.
It's okay. I know.
Another thing about Dan—the way he talked to me was too wishy-washy. I didn't want a man to pussyfoot his way around with me. I wanted him to tell me everything. Eamon was always sweet, but when he made up his mind about something, there was no convincing him otherwise. He was determination wrapped up in a ridiculously sexy package.
I really want to fuck you, Katherine. The man could walk into a room, look me in the eye, and say that out loud with no prompting, and it seemed perfectly normal.
Oh, really?
Unless you tell me no, yes.
I see. Being coy was my only way to keep on even footing with Eamon, but it was all a ruse. He always had the upper hand. Or at least it had felt that way.
Are you going to tell me no?
No.
No?
I'm not going to tell you no. I can't tell you no. You know that.
I still like to hear you say yes. He'd whisper it right into my ear, his breath hot against my skin. The whole charade was so pointless, but I enjoyed the hell out of it. I lived for it.
Yes, Eamon. Yes.
I wasn't the only woman who adored Eamon. Not by a long shot. Millions of women did. The bulk of them had experienced only the proverbial tip of the iceberg—they'd listened to his music, seen him perform, or ogled his photo in a magazine. That was the public Eamon. It was only the tiniest hint of what made him sexy, intriguing, and utterly beguiling. That was where the sense of playing with fire came from. If someone could love and adore him from afar, how was I supposed to do it up close when everything about him was so damn overwhelming?
I was still searching for that answer. I suspected I might never find it. I might have to learn to live with not knowing.
The night of my sister's engagement party, I had Eamon on speaker. “If it wasn't for my sister, I wouldn't be going to this party at all.”
“Of course not. It's an engagement party. What other reason would there be to go?” Eamon was on the same practical answer plan as my sister.
“This is my way of telling you I'd rather be doing anything other than this. Anything.” I knew exactly how messed up my attitude was. I hadn't seen Amy in days and it was starting to feel as though my heart was shriveling up. I found myself wondering what she was doing, whether or not she was okay, all the time. It took everything I had not to text her ten times a day. But because my despair was born out of her leaving to get married, I felt no inclination to go to the engagement party. This was going to be a celebration dedicated to the very thing that was making me unhappy.
I sighed. “I’m going to have to get drunk.”
“Do not do that. You'll regret it. And you'll piss off your sister.”
“Fine. I won't get drunk. But I'm texting you from the bathroom if it gets really bad.”
“I’ll likely be on stage at the time, but sure.”
“So you won't actually text me back in the middle of a show?”
“Something tells me the people paying money to see me perform might take issue with that.”
“But I need you,” I joked. Where would I be right now if Eamon hadn't come back into my life? Drowning in tears, most likely.
“I fucking love hearing that.” His voice had gone to that low place, the one that made the earth stop spinning.
“It's the truth.”
“I need you, too.”
I plopped down on the bed and crossed my legs. “No you don't. You're one of the most well-adjusted people I know.”
“Doesn't mean you haven't made me a lot happier over these last few weeks.”
And I was here all along, you big dolt. “That's very sweet. You've made me happier, too.” Of course, that was relative only to my normal state—worry and pessimism intermingled with blips of cheer.
“Can I call you after the show tonight? It might be late. Some old friends are coming and they'll be hanging around a bit after the show.”
He'd managed to keep ties with other people, apparently, just not me. “Call me whenever. I'll leave my phone on.”
“You'll do great tonight,” he offered.
“I’m not worried about that. All I have to do is show up.” It's the way I'll feel when it's all done that I'm worried about.
He laughed quietly. “All right then. Talk later?”
“Talk later.” I hung up and dropped my phone on the bed. Once again, the quiet of the apartment moved in on me. It threatened to swallow me up. No music from Amy's room or the TV on. It wasn't normal for New York to be quiet. It was unsettling. My phone beeping broke through the silence. A text from the car service Luke had booked for me. I tossed a few things into my bag and replied that I was on my way.
Downstairs, the black SUV stuck out like a sore thumb. My neighborhood was nice, but it wasn't car service nice. Luke's parents lived out in Westchester County, and I'd braced myself for just how highbrow their neighborhood would be, but nothing could've truly prepared me once we crossed over into the land of tree-lined streets and smooth pavement. Sprawling houses poked up from behind high walls and gates. Luke's parents had graciously left their wrought-iron cage door open, so my driver didn't have to deal with the security system. A handful of cars were parked in the driveway—BMW, Jaguar, Porsche. I was about to rub elbows with the well-heeled of suburban New York. I hoped they were ready.
I straightened my coat after ringing the doorbell next to the grand entrance. I could already hear merriment inside.
“Katherine, you're here!” Luke seemed genuinely surprised when he answered the door, but I could appreciate his attitude. I was pretty impressed as well. “Let me get your coat.”
“Hey Kat.” Amy rushed to the front door.
My heart leapt when I saw her. Her cheeks were flush and full of color. Her smile came easily and was absent of any irony or skepticism. My influence had already worn off and she looked all the better for it. “Hi, honey,” I croaked when I gave her a hug. Damn, I knew I'd missed her, but being around her put a much finer point on it.