“Then why did you?” I demanded as I felt tears burning the backs of my eyes.
“I was scared. I didn’t know what I was gonna do. I had no way of paying for college. I had to get away. I couldn’t stay here and I couldn’t watch as I dragged you down with me.”
“You wouldn’t have dragged me down.”
“This is exactly why I did what I did. You still don’t see where I was back then. After my dad died, I wasn’t good for you. I hurt you over and over again and I said things to you I never should have and I did things I never should’ve done. When I realized how messed up everything was, I just had to get away and try and figure out my life.”
“But why couldn’t you talk to me face to face? How could you just give Matt a letter? After everything we’d been through, I thought I deserved more than a note,” I said, surprising myself by the calmness of my voice, but before I could stop it, a tear fell down my cheek. I quickly brushed it away as the feelings of the day I read the letter ripped through me with renewed pain and I could tell he was struggling with what to say.
“You did deserve more, but I couldn’t do it, Riley. Call me a coward, but at that point, there was nothing I could do. I’d joined the Marines. There was no backing out and I couldn’t watch as you tried to convince me to stay.”
“If you recall, I didn’t try and convince you to stay after I realized it was what you wanted to do. I was ready to support you in everything, but you decided otherwise.” I didn’t raise my voice, but it was stern and wavering as I continued to fight with the tears wanting to spill over.
“Because I didn’t want to hurt you,” he said gently and I looked up, our eyes locking and I could feel the pull between us that had always been there. “I know you don’t understand or even believe me, but I only wanted you to be happy and you couldn’t have been happy with me.”
I blinked and I realized I’d lost the battle as the tears cascaded down my cheeks. I didn’t bother wiping them away because I knew they’d just come back.
“What right did you have to make that choice for me?” I thought I saw him shudder at my words. “Do you know long I waited for you? How long I waited for my phone to ring? How long I waited for you to tell me you’d made a mistake?”
“Riley,” he said and I saw him swallow hard. “You don’t know how many times I wanted to. How close I came, but I couldn’t. Not after the way I ended things between us. I promised I’d never hurt you and I ended up being no better than Alex. I didn’t think it was fair to call you, to barge back into your life. I thought it was better if I just stay away. I’m sorry.”
“Well, Jesse, you can be as sorry as you want to be, but it still doesn’t change what you did. If you didn’t want to be with me anymore, that would’ve been fine. That would’ve been your choice, but I at least deserved to hear it from you…not in a letter with no chance to respond. Instead, I was left to sit and wonder what I’d done to make you think so little of me that you were able to do what you did.”
“God, Riley,” he groaned, running a hand nervously through his hair. “I was so screwed up back then. I didn’t know what the hell I was gonna do. I couldn’t take care of you because I couldn’t even take care of myself and I couldn’t hold on to you for my own selfish purposes. I wanted to be with you, but I couldn’t. I won’t deny how I handled it was wrong, but you have to know it wasn’t because I think so little of you that I did what I did. I did it because I think so highly of you and I didn’t want to be the one to screw up your life.”
I finally wiped my eyes so my face was a dry, red mess and I looked over to him again. He was staring back at me with an intensity that seemed to burn through me.
“Jesse,” I said, taking in a deep breath. “You had your chance to say what you needed to say when you left, but I didn’t. When I said goodbye to you at the airport, I was saying a temporary goodbye. I didn’t know you were going to drop off the face of the earth. I didn’t know you were going to just turn your back on everything we meant to each other. I didn’t know it was over and you just don’t do that to someone you claim to have cared about.”
“I can’t deny anything you’re saying.” His voice was low again and he stared at the ground for a few moments before he looked at me again. “I wish there was something I could say to show you how sorry I am.”
“There’s nothing left to say. It’s all been said.” I tried to sound strong, but my voice betrayed me as it cracked and I swallowed through the lump in my throat. “Now you need to go.”
I stared at the creek in front of us and forced my eyes to stay there. I didn’t want to look at him again. I knew he wouldn’t fight me or beg me to stay, but he sat there for a few moments before I heard him stand up and walk away. I kept my eyes focused on the trickling water in front of me, not looking back, just as he had done the day he left.
Chapter Eight
“You look like you have something on your mind,” my mom pointed out as we sat across from each other. I’d been piecing at the chicken and rice on my plate, but I’d hardly eaten anything. It’d been a couple of hours since Jesse left, but I couldn’t stop thinking about him or the conversation we had or the fact I’d remained down by the creek well after he’d left and bawled like a baby. I knew I shouldn’t let him get to me, but after years of silence from him, it was hard not to be affected by talking to him.
“Jesse came by today,” I mumbled softly and I could feel my mom staring at me. I met her eyes and she was looking at me curiously.
“What’d he want?”
“To apologize,” I answered and my mom set her fork down and then wiped her mouth with a napkin while she waited for me to continue. “I couldn’t listen to it though. He doesn’t understand what he did to me.”
“I hope you weren’t too hard on him, Riley.”
I felt my mouth hang open as I looked at her in disbelief.
“Why are you always defending him?”
“You’re being a bit dramatic, don’t you think? I don’t always defend him.”
“You never got upset at him after he left.”
“Of course I was upset at Jesse. I was angry by how much he hurt you, but I also tried to understand why he did what he did and I think he did what he thought was right.”
“Did Jesse and you have a meeting or something? Because you sound exactly like he him.”
“Again with the dramatics, Riley,” my mom said with a slight roll of her eyes.
“I’m not trying to be dramatic, but I think he has a lot of nerve just showing up and expecting me to accept his apology.”
“I don’t think he’s expecting you to accept his apology. Maybe he just needed to say it,” she said and I paused as I thought about her words. “Riley,” she continued as she reached across the table and covered her hand with mine. “Jesse went through a lot. He was trying to figure everything out and he did the best he could. Hate me for saying it, but I think he did the right thing,” she said and I opened my mouth to interrupt. “And before you cut me off, I don’t think the way he did it was the right thing to do, but if you had forced him to stay in Kansas, he would’ve eventually lost it. He might never have recovered and it wouldn’t have been good for you.”
“So, what are you saying, Mom?”
“I’m saying that you have spent the last few years trying to understand why Jesse left the way he did and now he’s back and you have the chance to talk to him. You have the chance to get your answers and maybe even be friends again.”
“Jesse and I can’t be friends again,” I said quickly.
“Maybe not the way you used to be, but Riley, what you and Jesse had was special and you can’t tell me you don’t want him back in your life in some way, even if it’s just to be civil towards each other and to know you’re both okay.”
“I don’t know what I want,” I sighed. “I thought I was okay with everything. I thought I was really over what happened, but seeing him…it’s made me see I’m not. I mean…I’m over him,” I stammered, but I noticed the
way my mom eyed me doubtfully. “Don’t look at me that way. I am over him, but I guess I’m not over how things ended between us.”
“Then you might not want to miss out on your chance to get the closure you need,” she added and I just shook my head as I looked at her.
“I hate when you’re right,” I said, finally taking a full bite of my dinner and she just smiled.
Chapter Nine
Even though it had been a few days since Jesse came by, I couldn’t get our conversation out of my head and my mom’s words were always in the back of my mind. I buried myself in my work while I was there. It was my safe place. The place I could forget about it all, or try to anyway. So when the familiar bells jingled on the door to the flower shop, and I looked up to see Jesse standing at the front of the store, I didn’t know what to think.
My mouth felt dry and I didn’t quite know how to react. Things hadn’t ended well the day by my grandparents’ old garden. I thought he’d understood I didn’t want to talk to him and yet he stood before me again. I didn’t say anything as he made his way to the front of the shop where I was standing. He stopped across from me, the counter separating us. I caught a hint of his cologne and I was surprised at what vivid memories could be conjured by a single scent.
“Jesse…what’re you doing here?” I finally said after what seemed like forever.
“Actually,” he began and I had to give him credit. He seemed relaxed and I wondered how he did it, unless he really wasn’t nervous, which I couldn’t understand how that could be possible. I felt like nothing more than a jumble of nerves. “I wanted to get some flowers for my dad’s grave. I couldn’t keep avoiding you, seeing how this is the only flower shop in town,” he said with a quiet laugh in an obvious attempt to lighten the mood.
“Well, let me help you pick something out,” I said, trying to keep it strictly business. “What’d you have in mind?”
“Um…I’m really not sure. Flowers aren’t my strong suit. I just want to put something there while I’m in town. I feel badly that it’s been so long.”
“So…do you want something large or simple?” I asked, surprised by the normalcy of the conversation.
“Probably something simple. You know my dad wasn’t one to make a big deal about anything,” he said and I nodded in agreement.
“No, he wasn’t. Simple is best then,” I said, reaching under the counter and pulling out a book of arrangements. I handed it to Jesse and he started flipping through it. I stopped him when we came across an arrangement of carnations on the page. “If you want to go with meaning, carnations are good. White carnations are for remembrance.”
“I didn’t realize flowers had meanings.”
“Yeah, they do.”
“Interesting,” he nodded as he kept flipping through the pages. “What about sunflowers?” he asked, stopping on a nice, simple arrangement.
“They actually strand for adoration,” I said and he looked up at me contemplatively.
“My dad liked sunflowers,” he said softly.
“And you adored him,” I added quietly and he nodded as he swallowed hard.
“Can you just make me up a bouquet of sunflowers? I think that would work.”
“Of course,” I said and Jesse turned from the counter and began looking through the shop as I got to work and a few minutes later, the arrangement was ready. I looked up and saw him just staring out the window, his back turned to me. I wondered if he was working as hard as I was to not pay attention to me as I was working to not pay attention to him.
“It’s ready,” I called to him and he turned around and headed back towards the counter. I handed it to him and he checked it out. “Is it okay?”
“It’s perfect,” he said and then it grew quiet.
“Is there anything else you need?” I asked, the normalcy I’d noticed earlier completely gone now.
“Uh…no. I just needed the flowers. Thanks,” he said, reaching for his wallet. “How much do I owe you?”
“No charge,” I said.
“Don’t be ridiculous. How much?”
“Really. Don’t worry about it.” He put his wallet away after he realized I wouldn’t take his money.
“Thank you, Riley,” he said, and before I could say anything, he turned and headed towards the door. He opened it, but then he stopped and looked back at me, his mouth opening as if he wanted to say something, but no words ever came and he walked out, the door closing as the bells jingled behind him.
Chapter Ten
Brandon didn’t ask any questions when I called him wanting Jesse’s phone number a couple of days later. I could tell he was suspicious though and I stared down at my phone, having typed in the number wondering if I should actually call him. It was strange punching in the North Carolina area code instead of the familiar 602 of Kansas. It was a reminder of his absence and how different his life was after leaving Carver.
I had been so sure I had nothing to say to him or that I didn’t want to hear anything from him after that day by the creek, but after the talk with my mom and seeing him at work, I thought maybe I did. I’d been angry when he showed up at my house. I was just a mix of emotions and I couldn’t listen to him with a clear head, but after our meeting at the flower shop, I thought perhaps I could and probably should.
I still wasn’t sure though when I finally hit the send button. When I heard his voice on the other end of the line, I still hadn’t figured out what I was going to say.
“Riley? Are you there?” he asked and I realized he must’ve recognized my number.
“Um…yeah. Hi Jesse,” I eventually managed to get out.
“Hey.” His voice sounded unsure.
“I hope you don’t mind, but Brandon gave me your number.”
“That’s fine,” he answered and my mind was racing to figure out what I was going to say. “I have to say I’m surprised you called though.”
“I’ve been thinking about…about our conversation we had at my house,” I fumbled and there was an awkward pause. “I shouldn’t have dismissed you so quickly. Can we maybe talk again?”
The silence returned and I waited for him to say something.
“Of course,” he said softly. “I’d offer to come into town, but I’m right in the middle of trying to get some work done on the house. If you want to come over…I mean, if you’re okay with coming over, you’re welcome to.”
I didn’t say anything for a few moments as I pondered the idea of going over to Jesse’s place without the shield of my friends.
“Um…sure,” I agreed hesitantly. “When should I come over?”
“Any time is good.”
“I’ll see you soon then,” I said, ending the call before he said goodbye.
I wasn’t sure what the purpose of talking to him again was, but I tried not to think about it as I drove out to Jesse’s and I told myself I’d figure it out when I got there.
When I pulled into the driveway, I parked beside an unfamiliar gray Dodge pick-up truck and walked nervously to the front door. As I raised my hand to knock, I looked around and I felt as if I’d been transported back in time. Even though it’d been nearly four years since Jesse and I broke up, standing at his door still felt so familiar. Everything looked the same. The only thing missing was his old Wagoneer. When I heard his steps approaching the door, my heart began to beat faster and when he opened it, I was worried I wouldn’t be able to say anything.
“Hi,” Jesse said as he stood in front of me.
“Hi,” I answered back, surprised I was able to speak.
“Come in,” he said, stepping aside and I brushed past him, stopping in the middle of the kitchen. Just like the night we’d all gotten together, it felt strange being back in his house. It felt even stranger because none of our friends were there. It was just Jesse and me and I wondered why I’d called him. Perhaps if I hadn’t seen him at the flower shop, I would’ve been able to ignore my mother’s words and just gone on as if he didn’t exist anymore, the way he’d fo
rced me to do when he left.
We stood awkwardly in the kitchen and then Jesse walked towards the refrigerator.
“Can I get you something to drink?” he asked and I nodded, figuring a drink would be a good distraction. “I don’t have much. Water or Coke.”
“Coke’s fine,” I said and he opened the fridge, pulling two out and handing me one. I took it, trying not to focus on the way our fingers touched as he gave me the soda.
“I was just boxing up my dad’s clothes,” he said, motioning down the hall.
“Can I help?” I asked, thinking a task would be a good way to avert some of the awkwardness.
“Sure. If you want,” he said and I nodded before he turned and I followed him down the hall.
The room looked exactly as it had the last time I’d been in it, the night Jesse and I looked through the box of pictures he’d found. It was like looking into a time capsule. Although our lives had been progressing, everything in this house had stood still.
Jesse had boxes spread out near the closet. He opened his soda and took a drink before setting it down on top of his dad’s dresser and then pulling a plaid shirt out, folding it and placing it in a box. I stood back for a moment, opening my own soda and taking a drink. I set it down a moment later and walked hesitantly towards the closet where Jesse was reaching for another shirt.
“Is there any kind of organization to this?” I asked.
“No. Just fold the clothes and put them in any box,” he said and we worked for a few minutes in silence that wasn’t as uncomfortable as I thought it would be. “I figured it’s time to start taking care of all of this.”
“What are you going to do with it all?” I asked as I folded a pair of jeans.
“Donate it. It’s not doing anybody any good just hanging here in the closet,” he said and then paused for a bit. “I should’ve done it a long time ago, but…I haven’t been here to do anything.”
“Have you been back to Carver at all since you left?”
Carry Me Home (The Home Series: Book Three) Page 7