Will makes a 7:45 pm dinner reservation for the four of us in the hotel restaurant. I don’t know that I’ll ever get used to the life that Luke and Claire brought me into. The fancy cars and homes, the luxury hotels and unlimited funding. If they weren’t so nonchalant about it, I don’t think I could handle it at all. As it is, I’m still learning to let go and let them all take care of me.
Caroline and I request a small nap and time to freshen up before dinner, although she and Ryan slept practically the whole way here. We kiss our men and send them to their room across the hall. Ryan gives a boisterous “Dude!” as he walks into their room first. Will raises an eyebrow at me and chuckles as he closes the door.
“I wish I was a fly on that wall!” Caroline says, making us both laugh.
“Between both of your accents, you’ve got your own foreign language at times,” I say, still laughing.
“Why, I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about!” she says with her most southern drawl.
“So, makes you want to jump up and slap your mamma is common vernacular?” Of all the southernisms Caroline has ever said, this one sent me rolling the most!
“They were really good pancakes!”
We throw ourselves onto our beds and spread out. The queen-size beds are gorgeous with dark, cherry wood head and footboards. The bedding and all of the décor in the room is burgundy and gold and I can’t help but feel a tad bit like royalty.
I’ve never stayed anywhere this beautiful before. I used to feel guilty about loving this new life I’ve been growing into. Guilty because I wouldn’t have any of it if my parents hadn’t died. I used to think I had to either be happy or sad about my situation and if I was sad about my parents’ death then I couldn’t be happy about my new life. If I was happy about my new life, I wasn’t sad enough about my parents’ death. It took a long time, but I finally came to realize that I could feel both emotions. I can be sad about my parents’ death and happy about my new life – they don’t cancel each other out. It’s about accepting my past and being grateful for my future.
“Can I ask you a question?” I say to Caroline.
“Since when have you needed permission to ask me a question?” Caroline scrunches her nose at me.
“Because I want to ask you something personal…and embarrassing,” I tell her.
“Oh, this should be good! Spill it, girl!” Caroline is way too excited about this and I don’t know if I’ll be able to get it out.
“Well…um…uh…have you and Ryan…you know…” I stutter.
“Have we what?”
“You know…had…you know…” I’m so embarrassed at my asking this question that I roll onto my side, leaving Caroline to stare at my back.
“I’m just givin’ you a hard time!” she giggles. “You want to know if Ryan and I have had sex?”
“You suck! You know how I am about that kind of stuff!” I toss an accent pillow at her and it misses her by an inch.
“Ok, ok! Yes, we have,” she tells me.
“Was he your first?” I ask.
Caroline hesitates for a moment before answering. “No. Chris was my first.”
“I keep forgetting you guys dated for, like, a year,” I say. “Um…”
“What was it like?” she asks, reading my mind. “Well…to be honest…the first time it wasn’t that great. It was kind of awkward, really. Neither one of us knew what we were doing. I mean, we knew what we were doing, we just weren’t doing very well.”
“What do you mean?” I ask. “Not that I want all the gross details, I’m just curious as to what makes it so awkward. I thought that when two people had sex because they really loved each other that everything just fell into place. Eww…that didn’t sound right.”
“It’s not a Julia Roberts movie, Layla! No one knows how to do it the first time. You might know what goes where, but the mechanics of getting there can be weird. You don’t know what to do with your hands, or where to put your arm. And as the girl, you spend half your time trying to be all sexy that your head isn’t in it. It wasn’t until we had done it a few times that Chris and I got into a groove,” she explains. I have always appreciated how forthcoming Caroline is.
“What about you and Ryan?” I ask hesitantly. I’m usually not this intrusive, but since the reality that Will and I are getting married in less than six months started sinking in last week, I’ve been thinking about this a lot.
“With Ryan it was different. We weren’t each other’s first. But…we did have to give each other some time to understand the other one,” she says. I sigh, frustrated at my lack of knowledge on the topic. “Don’t worry, Layla.”
“It feels like a double-edged sword, you know? On the one hand, I’m glad I’ve waited, and that Will is going to be my first, and me his. On the other hand, I feel like I’m not bringing any experience to the table…or the bed. As much as I don’t like to think about it, at least Will’s done stuff with other girls and has some idea of what he’s doing. Will has been my first everything.”
“It won’t matter how many girls Will has done stuff with, or even if he ever had sex with anyone before you. It’ll be his first time with the woman he’s madly in love with. The woman he’s moved hell and high water to be with. The woman he’s going to spend the rest of his life with. It’ll be all new, because it’s you.” Caroline moves from her bed to mine.
“Thanks.” I wrap my arms around her and hold her close. She’s used her logic and love to once again talk me down off the ledge. “I’m so glad I have you.”
Chapter 18
Caroline and I exit the elevator in the lobby and make our way toward the hotel restaurant and I hear music crooning. It’s old and melodic, different than the current popular stuff made now. It’s lovely…and familiar.
Will and Ryan are waiting for us outside the restaurant with huge smiles across their faces. Caroline teasingly questions them about what they talked about during our little rest time and I feel my face flush at the thought that they might have had a similar conversation to Caroline and me. I get over it quickly knowing that Will isn’t that free with information about us, and he barely knows Ryan. That, and Ryan says they had a “whose woman is better contest”. Will says they went back and forth for a while and decided to call it a draw.
I take Will’s hand and we all begin to move into the restaurant when I realize the origins of the familiar music I heard just moments ago. The memory is brought rushing back into my mind when the signage announcing tonight’s music will be a tribute to Nat King Cole. Orange Colored Sky is beginning to play and I immediately stop and turn around, making a beeline for the front door to get some fresh air.
I’m outside only seconds before I hear Will calling my name. I’m starting to hyperventilate when I feel Will’s arms cover me.
“Layla? Honey? What’s the matter? Are you sick? Do you want me to take you back to your room? I can have them bring up some soup or something. Maybe some ginger ale and crackers?” He’s so attentive that I hate to tell him that this episode has nothing to do with being physically ill. Although, in the past, the memories flooding my mind have made me want to throw up.
“I’m not sick, Will,” I tell him as I begin to calm. I take a few deep breaths to regain control of my lungs. “The music…” I begin.
“Yeah, it’s our next music lesson. I happened to mention it to Wes and he said he knew of this great hotel that has a restaurant where they frequently do tributes to the Greats. He checked and they happened to be doing Nat King Cole tonight. It’s perfect timing, don’t you think?” Will’s idea of perfect timing and mine are proving to be two different things in this situation.
“I can’t go in there, Will,” I say.
“Why not?” Will is obviously confused by my refusal, and rightly so. Who can’t go into a restaurant playing music by the great Nat King Cole?
“I…I can’t listen to Nat King Cole.”
“That’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever said to me. Why on earth can
you not listen to Nat King Cole? He’s one of the greatest artists in history! In fact, I want L-O-V-E to be the song we walk back down the aisle to at our wedding,” he tells me.
It takes me a moment but I gather myself, and the words to tell him, “Orange Colored Sky was playing on the radio the night of the accident…the moment of the accident.” I close my eyes, thinking of that tragic night, remembering things I haven’t thought of in a really long time. “I don’t just hear Nat King Cole…I hear tires screeching and horns blaring and my mother screaming. I can’t go in there. I’m sorry.”
Will looks at me, his eyes confused, then softening, and then seeming to resolve. “Yes…you can…and you will.”
“I can’t, Will. The memory is too much. I hear his music, any of it, and all I want to do is cry,” I say.
“We’re not running from our past anymore. Neither of us! We have to go back in there so you can create a new memory to go with the greatness of this music. We won’t let it be the sad symphony to that tragic scene in the movie of your life. We’ll turn it into something new.” Will has my hands in his and I want to believe what he’s telling me is possible. I want to believe that I can create a new memory, but I just don’t know how. “Let’s make it the soundtrack to the night we settled on our honeymoon, or talked about how many kids we want and what we want to name them. Anything that is about our future and not our past.”
“You’ve thought about how many kids we’re going to have?” I ask softly after a moment of letting his words begin to sink in. I haven’t even thought about that. Then again, I’m just now really used to the idea that I’m going to have a future that includes a husband and a family who would literally do anything for me.
“Of course I have,” he says, smiling. He looks a little surprised, too, realizing that I haven’t. “I think about our future all the time.”
“That’s really wonderful, Will, but…” I begin.
“No buts, Layla. We’re going back in there. I’m not going to let this control you. I love you too much to let this continue to hurt you, and keep us from something that is so special about our relationship.”
I don’t want to go back in there and listen to the last music my parents heard before they died. I want to avoid it like the plague. I want to pretend that Nat King Cole never existed. But…I can’t pretend that Will isn’t right, which is why I’m so happy to have him. He’s shed a shining light on all the things I’ve kept in the dark, all the things I haven’t wanted to face. Now it seems like the last thing I’ve been afraid of, the last thing I’ve been hiding from Will, is finally being unearthed.
“I want to, Will, really,” I say, unsure of my ability to connect what I want with what I’m capable of doing.
“Why didn’t you tell me? I mean we’ve been doing music lessons since we met. You had to have thought that this was going to come up,” Will says. He’s confused and I can’t blame him. I’d be confused, too.
“I thought about telling you but…the more time went by, and the more you helped me heal from all that pain, the less I thought about it. The less I thought about a lot of the painful memories from that night. I stopped seeing red and blue flashing lights every night when I closed my eyes. I stopped hearing sirens in my dreams. I stopped hearing my mother’s scream.
“I’m just as surprised at my response tonight as you are. It wasn’t like he was their favorite singer, or that it was even their favorite song. It just happened to be playing when my mom turned the radio on to this old station they liked to listen to sometimes. It could have been Buddy Holly or Etta James playing…it wouldn’t have mattered. It just feels like, well, kind of like what you said. As much as I’ve healed, that night can still play through my head like a movie. I haven’t heard that song since that night.”
Will takes my face in his hands, stroking my cheek with his thumb. “Then let’s make a new movie. A new epic movie about us. We’ll take all the music we love and give it new meaning in our movie. This is our life, Layla, and we can’t let the tragedy of our past determine a miserable future for us. We’re on the brink of filling in the pieces of the legacy my father left me so I can be certain I never become him. Dealing with your past and uncovering the deepest truths about my father are the catalyst to start re-writing our future.” Will’s eyes are glowing with hope. I see everything that I’ve ever wanted in them and know that he’s right. I know that even though it seems like we’ve conquered our past it’s always going to be there. The only thing we can do is try to understand it…try to understand the purpose for it right now.
“I’ve been figuring something out lately,” Will says. “You know, as we’ve been sorting through our past. I figured out that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring us to this very moment, and that this is the moment we can choose to make everything new. I’m ready to make everything new,” Will says. He smiles so sweetly that I have to refrain from kissing him. I’m afraid if I start I won’t be able to stop, and now is not the time. “Are you ready to make things new, Layla?”
“I am,” I tell him. “Thank you. So…starting new…let’s start with this whole how many kids we’re going to have and what we’re going to name them thing. Don’t you think I should be consulted on this?” I smirk.
“Yeah, I suppose I should chat with you about that, huh?” he chuckles. “But, I figured once we’re married you’ll be even more enamored with me that you’ll find it impossible to say no to anything that I suggest.” Now Will is smirking and I can’t help but kiss him. It’s a great kiss, too. “And if you kiss me like that after we’re married, there’s no doubt we’re going to have at least three kids.”
“Three? You want three kids?” I ask, pretending to be shocked.
“I said at least three,” he says, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me to him. At least three? Ok…I’m not sure if I’m ready to talk about this after all.
“Um…” I say, feeling a little nervous. “Can we jump back for a minute…maybe talk about the honeymoon first?”
“Talk about the two weeks I’m going to have you all to myself? I can do that!” Will smiles and then kisses me hard. “I know where I want to take you, but if you want to go somewhere else, please tell me. I want it to be a dream honeymoon for you.”
“Well I want it to be the same for you,” I say.
“Babe, the fact that I’m marrying you makes anywhere we go a dream honeymoon.”
“Stop saying things that make me want to kiss you. We’ll never get through this conversation and I’m sure Caroline is about to send out a search party.” I kiss him anyway because there’s no way I couldn’t after what he just said. “You may speak now.”
“Well…I thought we’d do two different things. One week in Bali and another week in Ireland. What do you think? You can decide where we are which week. It doesn’t matter to me.” Tears begin to fill my eyes. I try to hold them back, try not to let any escape, but the emotions are too strong and overwhelming that they begin to cascade down my face like a waterfall. “What’s the matter?” Will asks as he wipes every tear that falls.
“Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I’d get to go to places like that. Once, I did a paper on Ireland for school. I looked up all the exotic details and wrote about how wonderful it would be to visit there some day. Gram found me working on it at the kitchen table. She read it and told me I’d never deserve such an incredible trip. That people like me didn’t go to wonderful places like that. Sometimes I can’t believe this is my life.” I don’t even try to hold back the tears with Will any more. He’s my safety zone. The one solid place I know I am free and not judged for anything. Will told me on our very first date that I could laugh, cry, scream at the top of my lungs, or sit silently with him any time. It’s comforting to see him stay true to his word over and over again.
“Then it’s settled. I’m going to take my wife to the island of Bali and the green pastures of Ireland, because she is the most deserving person I have e
ver known. I love you, Layla, and you need to be prepared for some big changes in your life. I don’t ever want to hear you say anything about how I spend our money on you. You’ve done your tour of duty living with the lie that you’re not worth anything special. I’m taking care of you now and I say you’re more special and worth more than you’ll ever know, and I’m going to spend the rest of my life driving that through that thick skull of yours!” Will doesn’t kiss me, but holds me tight to him. It’s not a moment for the passionate love he has for me, but the protective love. The kind of love that makes me feel cared for and safe. The kind of love that tells me that these are the arms that will hold me forever.
“Are you ready to go in there and face this?” Will asks, releasing me from his arms. I’m sad for a moment, as I am the first moments I’m ever out of Will’s arms.
“I hope so. No matter what happens, I know I can get through it because you’re with me,” I tell him.
I take Will’s hand in mine and we walk purposefully back into the hotel. When we approach the restaurant I can hear a couple singing Unforgettable. It’s a beautiful song that makes me think of Will. So, I focus on that. I focus on this moment, right now. I close my eyes and think about Will and me, here together…creating a new life, new memories. I think about Bali and Ireland. I even think about three kids…and smile.
“You ok?” Will asks. He rubs his thumb over mine in a small, comforting motion.
I take a deep breath and surprise myself when I can answer him honestly. “Yeah. I’m good,” I tell him. “Let’s go in. I’m starved.”
Will chuckles and kisses the top of my head just as we begin to move into the restaurant. Caroline and Ryan are seated in a circular booth facing the small stage and dance floor. They’re cozied up together enjoying the music. I hope once things settle down that we’ll be able to get to know Ryan better. Caroline seems really happy with him, and I can see that he’s over the moon for her.
“There you are! Are you ok?” Caroline asks, scooting Ryan over so I can move into the booth next to her.
Safe Harbor (The Lake Trilogy, Book 3) Page 15