I walk straight into the aviary. And even though all that crazy stuff happened, I’m not scared of the pigeons. They’re all calm now again. I lean down so I can look inside the nesting box closest to the ground and off in the farthest corner. There’s Jake. Curled up and fast asleep, snoring, and of course covered in pigeon poo.
I kneel down. “Wake up, Jake,” I say, shaking him a little. His eyes open.
“I’m not coming out.”
“You really need a bath.”
“I’m staying here.”
“You can’t stay here.”
“Why not?”
“Mom and Dad would miss you.”
“Who cares,” he says. “You never miss me.”
I think about this and deep down, deep, deep, deep down I do miss him. “What if I move back into the house?” I ask.
“Would you move back into our room?”
“Would you leave my things alone?”
“Yeah,” he says. And even though I don’t believe him, I know I’ll give him a chance to change.
“Okay, it’s a deal.” Jake crawls out and wraps his arms around me.
“Oh great,” I say. “Now I need another shower.”
FAILURE
“Get off, Mom!” I say, but she doesn’t. She’s hugging and kissing me. “You found him. You found Jake.”
Dad comes up and hugs me too. “We’ve got to get going if we’re going to make it to the performance.” And we all pile into the van for Sharon’s show, even Grumpy Pigeon Man. I try to smile but I don’t really feel like it.
Grace punches me. “You were almost my hero when I thought we’d get out of going to this dumb show. Who knew Mom would manage to trade our tickets for tonight?”
“Grace,” Mom warns.
The theater is packed. Lonnie waves and Viva looks over and smiles. I’m glad to see that Viva’s hair looks normal. Considering what she went through, I wasn’t sure. But I have to admit, seeing them makes my stomach drop. Luckily, it’s too crowded for them to come close.
It’s not just that Viva’s camera broke and I’ll be working for Grumpy Pigeon Man forever to pay for a new one. It’s because I failed.
Again.
WEIRDNESS EXPLAINED
The lights flicker and then they go off completely. We all sit down quickly and the music starts. We’re about two minutes into it when Lonnie’s brother, Jerome, steps onto the stage.
He’s in the play! This explains why Lonnie had to come.
Then Sharon walks out. It’s like she isn’t my sister. It’s like she’s totally somebody else.
It doesn’t take too long to figure out that in the play they’re supposed to fall in love. Maybe this is why Jerome’s been so nice.
But it’s at the end of the play when the craziest thing happens. All the actors come out to bow, and they’re all holding hands, including Sharon and Jerome, but after the bow everyone else lets go except for them, and then, I hate to say this, they kiss.
Luckily this kiss does not last as long as the longest kiss in The Guinness Book of World Records: 58 hours 35 minutes 58 seconds, which is revolting for so many reasons, but it lasts long enough for all of us to know that they are in love. Now I know why Jerome’s been so weird. Viva was right. It isn’t alien brain invasion. It’s a girlfriend, and it’s my sister.
And then the lights come on. Lonnie and Viva make their way to me and we head out of the theater and into the hallway.
“Can you believe that?” Lonnie says.
“Sharon and Jerome are together,” I say. “Ewww.”
“Ewww,” Lonnie agrees.
“Totally ewww,” Viva says.
“I’m so sorry about today,” I say.
“What for?” Viva asks. “It was the best. My parents would never let me pull a stunt like that.”
Lonnie smiles. “Viva and I have spring vacation all figured out.”
Viva says, “Starting Monday we begin to plan another record.”
Lonnie nods. “But this time something about Star Wars.”
I shrug. I’m not sure I’m up for any more world record disappointment.
SLEEPOVER
It’s my last night in the tent. Jake and I are side by side in our sleeping bags. After today I knew I had to include The Destructor.
“Let’s stay up all night,” he says.
“I don’t think I can.”
“OOOOOOKLAHOOOOOOMAAAAA!” Jake sings. He’s been singing it ever since Sharon’s play. “Can I live out here with you?” Jake yawns.
“We already decided. I’m moving back inside.”
“We should live out here,” he says, yawning again. “It’s nice and quiet. There are too many people in our house.”
“Grumpy Pigeon Man said only pigeons are crazy enough to like living with so many. He was wrong.” The Destructor interrupts me with a remarkably loud snore. He’s asleep but I keep talking. “Pigeons like being together and they always go home. I guess if that’s crazy then I’m as crazy as a pigeon.”
The Destructor pats my hand. “You are crazy,” he says, rolling over and letting out another honking big snore.
NEWS
When we wake up we go inside for breakfast. Mom is setting out forks, knives, and plates. Dad is flipping pancakes. Sharon, Caitlin and Casey, and Maggie are in the living room.
“Sit here,” Grace says. “And don’t move.”
“Uh,” I say, looking down just to be sure there aren’t tacks on the chair. She runs out of the room. The Destructor follows. The doorbell rings.
“I’ll get it,” Caitlin shouts.
“What’s going on?” I ask.
“Nothing,” Mom says. “Just a few people are coming over.”
Lonnie, Jerome, and their parents walk in. Lonnie looks really serious and I wonder if we’re in trouble. Sharon drags Jerome into the other room. She looks at me and says, “Stay.”
The doorbell rings a minute later. “I’ll get it,” Casey yells.
Viva and her parents walk in. They look really, really serious and my heart starts pounding because it’s got to be trouble.
There’s a knock at the back door and Grumpy Pigeon Man shows up. He nods and takes a seat. Now I know we’re all going to be punished for yesterday. I mean, it had to happen. We broke about a million rules. Actually, I broke about a million rules.
The doorbell rings again. Caitlin and Casey holler, “We got it!”
When Ms. Raffeli walks in, I nearly fall off my chair. Lonnie and Viva walk out of the kitchen, which makes me even more nervous. Now I’m alone with all the grown-ups. I try to inch my way out of the room, but Mom says, “Don’t move! We need to talk.”
Dad frowns and says, “We’ve got some news.”
Now I’m sure I’m in trouble.
MORE ABOUT THE NEWS
“News?” My throat burns. “I’m really sorry,” I blurt out. “I promise I won’t try to break any more world records. And don’t be mad at Lonnie and Viva.” I look at their parents. “It was all my fault.”
Just then Sharon, Caitlin and Casey, Maggie, Grace, The Destructor, Lonnie, and Viva walk into the kitchen holding a tube of paper all rolled up.
I’m so confused I can’t figure out what is going on.
“Teddy!” The Destructor jumps up and down. “You did it! You broke a world record!”
“I didn’t do anything.”
“Actually, Tent Boy,” Grace says, stepping to the side. “You did.” At that second they unroll the tube.
In big painted letters, it says: TEDDY MARS, WORLD RECORD BREAKER!
Mom runs over and hugs me. Dad swoops down, too.
Sharon says, “We sent in an application for you.”
Caitlin and Casey say, “Your record is: the longest time sleeping in a tent for anyone under the age of twelve!”
Maggie says, “You slept there for 162 days.”
Lonnie gives me a high five.
Mom says, “The World Record people got in touch yesterday, but with
everything going on we decided to wait until today to tell you.”
The Destructor pats me on my back. “I knew you’d break a record.”
Strange but true, my family did this for me. I look around and see Ms. Raffeli. She gives me a thumbs-up. Lonnie and his folks are beaming. Grumpy Pigeon Man is grinning from ear to ear just like the rest of my huge, crazy family, and even though our families couldn’t be more different, Viva’s parents are smiling too.
“It was all thanks to Grace,” Dad adds. “If she hadn’t taken pictures the whole time it wouldn’t have happened.”
“Thanks, Grace,” I say.
“Don’t think I did this for you,” she says. “It was just a way to make the whole world know.”
“To make the whole world know what?” I ask.
“That you are a nut-o named Tent Boy. Now my job is complete.” She smiles and steps on my foot.
Strange but true, this time it didn’t hurt so much, and stranger but truer, this time I don’t mind being called Tent Boy.
MY BROTHER, JAKE, PART 2
“We’ll be here first thing tomorrow morning,” Lonnie yells as his family drives away.
“This is going to be the best vacation ever,” Viva says. Her mom pulls her out the front door.
And she’s right because even though I did break a record, we all know there are more records to break. And we have nothing to do for a whole week except think them up!
Ms. Raffeli hugs me. “I don’t want any world record business when we come back to school.” I know she means it because her eyebrows go up.
Grumpy Pigeon Man shakes my hand. “And don’t forget about the pigeons.”
“I’m going right now,” I say and turn to The Destructor. “Want to come?”
He runs right out the door.
I get water while he stays in the aviary watching the birds. I have to admit, everything seems so peaceful.
Then I hear him. “I’m Pigeon Boy! I’m Pigeon Boy!”
I walk in and drop the bucket. Unbelievably, he’s covered in feathers.
“Don’t worry, Teddy. They’re from the floor. I didn’t pluck a pigeon. And the poo makes them stick. Look!” He picks up a feather, scrapes it on some poo, and then sticks it to his clothes. He’s right. Bird poo is sticky. “You can call me Pigeon Boy. I save pigeons from evildoers!” He puts his hands on his hips and looks even more like a bird.
Poor Destructor, he will never be normal. I guess it just doesn’t run in our family. But maybe normal is not all it’s cracked up to be.
If everyone were normal they wouldn’t try to break world records. And if everyone were normal they wouldn’t keep pigeons, or dream of being Jedi warriors, or help a friend break a world record.
If everyone were normal they wouldn’t collect trash on bikes, or save a brother from a flock of pigeons, or sing, or run, or take pictures, or even have seven kids and let those kids be who they are and not fuss about every little thing they do.
If everyone were normal they wouldn’t live in a tent for 162 days, and if everyone were normal The Destructor would definitely not be covered in pigeon poo and feathers right now calling himself Pigeon Boy.
But he is.
And strange but true, I’m fine with that.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
1. Sean Greene—my best friend, favorite artist, and collaborator.
2. My parents—who never let me quit.
3. My sister—who always trusted I could do this.
4. Tina Wexler—my enthusiastic, brilliant, and hilarious agent!
5. Katherine Tegen—for believing in Teddy and appreciating farts.
6. Maria Barbo—you are a present in Teddy’s life but even more so in mine!
7. Molly O’Neill—your penciled hearts quieted my first fears.
8. The team at Katherine Tegen Books and HarperCollins—Amy Ryan, Erin Fitzsimmons, Bethany Reis, Mark Rifkin, Lauren Flower, Ro Romanello, Jean McGinley, Alpha Wong, Sarah Oughton, Colleen Prendergast, Sheala Howley—for thoughtfully and elegantly working your magic.
9. Trevor Spencer—your pictures crack me up!
10. Hamline University MFAC faculty and students—for teaching, challenging, and encouraging.
11. Cheryl Bardoe, Yolanda Hare, Jill Davis, Elizabeth Schoenberg, and Madelyn Rosenberg—my writing friends who became friends.
12. Judy Blume, Louis Sachar, and Barbara Park—your writing amazes me.
13. Stephen Roxburgh and Carolyn Coman—two fabulous visionaries.
14. Highlights Foundation—you gave me time with this book.
15. Jackson Street School students and teachers and the Pedal People of Northampton, and my next-door neighbors and their pigeons—educating all of us on how to live right.
16. And last but not least The Guinness Book of World Records and all the people who break records! Without you, there would be no book!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR AND ARTIST
Photo by Adelaide and Georgia Greene
MOLLY B. BURNHAM has been a dog walker, ice-cream scooper, and elementary school teacher. She lives in Massachusetts with her husband, two daughters, and a dog named Pepito. Pigeons really do live next door to her. Sadly, Grumpy Pigeon Man does not. Molly earned an MFA in children’s writing from Hamline University. This is her first book, but not her last. She has not broken a world record—yet! Visit Molly online at www.mollybburnham.com.
TREVOR SPENCER loves animated films almost as much as Teddy Mars loves world records. Trevor fills his days with making toys and drawing books with his lovely wife in California. His evenings are dedicated to bringing Teddy Mars to life, and he couldn’t be happier. Visit Trevor online at www.alkemystudio.com.
Discover great authors, exclusive offers, and more at hc.com.
CREDITS
Cover art © 2015 by Trevor Spencer
Cover design by Erin Fitzsimmons
BACK AD
COPYRIGHT
Katherine Tegen Books is an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.
TEDDY MARS BOOK #1: ALMOST A WORLD RECORD BREAKER. Text copyright © 2015 by Molly B. Burnham. Illustrations copyright © 2015 by Trevor Spencer. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
www.harpercollinschildrens.com
* * *
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Burnham, Molly B.
Teddy Mars : almost a world record breaker / text by Molly B. Burnham. — First edition.
pages cm
Summary: Ten-year-old Teddy Mars seeks to stand apart from his six siblings, none of whom could be called “normal,” by earning a listing in the Guinness Book of World Records.
ISBN 978-0-06-227810-4 (hardcover)
EPub Edition © February 2015 ISBN 9780062278128
[1. Brothers and sisters—Fiction. 2. Family life—Fiction. 3. Friendship—Fiction. 4. Pigeons—Fiction. 5. World records—Fiction. 6. Humorous stories.] I. Title.
PZ7.B93515Ted 2014
2013051285
[Fic]—dc23
CIP
AC
* * *
15 16 17 18 19 CG/RRDH 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
FIRST EDITION
ABOUT THE PUBLISHER
Australia
HarperCollins Publishers Australia Pty. Ltd.
Level 13, 201 Elizabeth Street
Sydney, NSW 2000, Australia
www.harpercollins.com.au
Canada
HarperCollins Canada
2 Bloor Street East - 20th Floor
Toronto, ON M4W 1A8
, Canada
www.harpercollins.ca
New Zealand
HarperCollins Publishers New Zealand
Unit D1 63 Apollo Drive
Rosedale 0632
Auckland, New Zealand
www.harpercollins.co.nz
United Kingdom
HarperCollins Publishers Ltd.
1 London Bridge Street
London SE1 9GF, UK
www.harpercollins.co.uk
United States
HarperCollins Publishers Inc.
195 Broadway
New York, NY 10007
www.harpercollins.com
Teddy Mars Book #1 Page 11