ilies who let me hang around with them, and to the people whose introductions made all that hanging around possible: Valerie Picard, Cécile Agon, Hélène Toussaint, William Oiry, Véronique Bouruet-Aubertot, Gail Negbaur, Lucie Porcher, Emilie Walmsley, Andrea Ipaktchi, Jonathan Ross, Robynne Pendariès, Benjamin Benita, and Laurence Kalmanson. Thanks to crèche Cour Debille and crèche Enfance et Découverte, especially Marie-Christine Barison, Anne-Marie Legendre, Sylvie Metay, Didier Trillot, Alexandra Van-Kersschaver, and Fatima Abdullarif. Special gratitude goes to the family of Fanny Gerbet.
It’s much easier to write a parenting book when you’re blessed with extraordinary parents—Bonnie Green and Henry Druckerman. It’s also a gift to be married to someone who’s better at what I do than I am. I couldn’t have written this book without the encouragement and tolerance of my husband, Simon Kuper. He critiqued every draft, and in so doing, made me a better writer.
Finally, thanks to Leo, Joel, and Leila (rhymes with sky-la). This is what Mommy was doing in her office. I hope that one day you’ll think it was worth it.
bibliography
ABCs of Parenting in Paris. 5th edition. Emily James, managing ed. Paris: MESSAGE Mother Support Group, 2006. www.messageparis.org.
Antier, Edwige. “Plus on lève la main sur un enfant, plus il devient agressif.” Le Parisien. November 15, 2009.
Auffret-Pericone, Marie. “Comment réussir à se faire obéir?” Enfant. October 2009, 91–96.
Badinter, Elisabeth. L’Amour en Plus: Histoire de l’amour maternel. Paris: Flammarion Lettres, 1980.
———. Le Conflit: la femme et la mere. Paris: Flammarion Lettrt="es, 2010.
Belsky, Jay. “Effects of Child Care on Child Development: Give Parents Real Choice.” March 2009. Text of speech given at Conference of European Ministers of Family Affairs, Prague, February 2009.
Bennhold, Katrin. “Where Having It All Doesn’t Mean Having Equality.” New York Times, October 11, 2010.
Bloom, Paul. “Moral Life of Babies.” New York Times Magazine, May 3, 2010. www.nytimes.com/2010/05/09/magazine/09babies-t.html?pagewanted=all.
Bornstein, Marc H., Catherine S. Tamis-LeMonda, Marie-Germaine Pecheux, and Charles W. Rahn. “Mother and Infant Activity and Interaction in France and in the United States: A Comparative Study.” International Journal of Behavioral Development (1991): 21–43.
Bronson, Po, and Ashley Merryman. NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children. New York: Twelve, 2009.
Calhoun, Ada. “The Battle over ‘Cry It Out’ Sleep Training.” Salon.com, March 17, 2010.
Carroll, Raymonde. Cultural Misunderstandings: The French-American Experience. Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1990.
CIA. The World Factbook. https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-world-factbook/.
Cimpian, Andrei, Holly-Marie C. Arce, Ellen M. Markman, Carol S. Dweck. “Subtle Linguistic Cues Affect Children’s Motivation.” Association for Psychological Science 18, 4 (2007).
Cohen, Abby J. “A Brief History of Federal Financing for Child Care in the United States.” The Future of Children: Financing Child Care 6 (1996): 26–40.
Cohen, Michel. The New Basics. New York: Harper Paperbacks, 2004.
Clerget, Stéphane, and Danièle Laufer. La mère parfaite, c’est vous. Paris: Hachette Littératures, 2008.
Dolto, Françoise. Les étapes majeures de l’enfance. Paris: Gallimard, 1994.
———. Lettres de jeunesse: Correspondance 1913–1938, Paris: Gallimard, 2003.
Dolto, Françoise, and Danielle Marie Lévy. Parler juste aux enfants. Paris: Gallimard, 2002.
vy. Delahaye, Marie-Claude. Livre de bord de la future maman. Paris: Marabout, 2007.
De Leersnyder, Hélène. L’enfant et son sommeil. Paris: Robert Laffont, 1998.
Direction de la recherche, des études, de l’évaluation et des statistiques (DREES). Le temps des parents après une naissance. April 2006.
Dyck, Vera, and Kerry Daly. “Rising to the Challenge: Fathers’ Role in the Negotiation of Couple Time.” Leisure Studies 25, 2 (2006): 201–17.
Eisenberg, Arlene, Heidi E. Murkoff, and Sandee Hathaway. What to Expect: The Toddler Years. London: Simon and Schuster, 1996.
Epstein, Jean. “Parents, faites-vous confiance!” Interview. www.aufeminin.com. October 7, 2009.
Franrenet, Sandra. “Quelles punitions pour nos fripons?” http://madame.lefigaro.fr/societe/quelles-punitions-pour-nos-fripons-280211-13725. February 28, 2011.
Galinsky, Ellen, Kerstin Aumann, and James T. Bond. Times Are Changing: Gender and Generation at Work and at Home. Report. New York: Families and Work Institute, 2009.
Gerkens, Danièle. “Comment rendre son enfant heureux?” Interview with Aldo Naori. Elle, February 26, 2010.
Girard, Isabelle. “Pascal Bruckner at Laurence Ferrari: Le mariage? Un acte de bravoure.” Le Figaro—Madame, September 11, 2010.
Guiliano, Mireille. French Women Don’t Get Fat. New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 2005.
Hausmann, Ricardo, Laura D. Tyson, and Saadia Zahidi. “The Global Gender Gap Report 2010.” Geneva, Switzerland: World Economic Forum, 2010.
Hulbert, Ann. Raising America: Experts, Parents, and a Century of Advice About Children. New York: Vintage Books, 2004.
Institute National de la statistique et des études économiques (INSEE). Evolution des temps sociaux au cours d’une journée moyenne, 1986 and 1999. www.insee.fr/fr/themes/tableau.asp?ref_id=natccf05519.
Kahneman, Daniel, and Alan B. Krueger. “Developments in the Measurement of Subjective Well-Being.” Journal of Economic Perspectives 20, 1 (2006): 3–24.
Kamerman, Sheila.ermght= “Early Childhood Education and Care: International Perspectives.” Testimony prepared for the United States Senate Committee on Health, Education, Labor, and Pensions, Washington, D.C., March 27, 2001.
———. “A Global History of Early Childhood Education and Care.” Background paper. Unesco, 2006.
Krueger, Alan B., Daniel Kahneman, Claude Fischler, David Schkade, Norbert Schwarz, and Arthur A. Stone. “Time Use and Subjective Well-Being in France and the U.S.” Social Indicators Research 93 (2009): 7–18.
Krueger, Alan B., ed. Measuring the Subjective Well-being of Nations: National Accounts of Time Use and Well-being. Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 2009.
Lareau, Annette. Unequal Childhoods: Class, Race and Family Life. Berkeley: University of California Press, 2003.
———. “Questions and Answers About Unequal Childhoods.” http://sociology.sas.upenn.edu/a_lareau2.
Lemangeur-ocha.com. “France, Europe, the United States : What Eating Means to Us: Interview with Claude Fischler and Estelle Masson,” posted online January 16, 2008.
Marbeau, J. B. F. The Crèche or a Way to Reduce Poverty by Increasing the Population. Trans.Vanessa Nicolai. Montreal, 1994 (original work published 1845). PDF of translation supplied by Larry Prochner, University of Alberta.
Marcelli, Daniel. Il est permis d’obéir. Paris: Albin Michel, 2009.
Mairie de Paris. “Mission d’information et d’évaluation sur l’engagement de la collectivité parisienne auprès des familles en matière d’accueil des jeunes enfants de moins de trois ans.” June 15, 2009.
Melmed, Matthew. Statement submitted to the Committee on Education and Labor, U.S. House of Representatives, Hearing on Investing in Early Education: Improving Children’s Success. Washington, D.C., January 23, 2008.
Military.com. “Military Child Care.” www.military.com/benefits/resources/family-support/child-care.
Mindell, Jodi, et al. “Behavioral Treatment of Bedtime Problems and Night Wakings in Young Children: AASM Standards of Practice.” Sleep 29 (2006): 1263–76.
Mischel, Walter. A History of Psychology in Autobiography. Ed. G. Lindzey and W. M. Runyan. Washington, D.C.: American Psychological Association, 2007.
Mogel, Wendy. The Blessing of a Skinned Knee. New York: Scribner, 2001.
Murkoff, Heidi, Arlene Eisenberg, and Sandee Eise
nberg Hathaway. What to Expect When You’re Expecting. New York: Workman, 2002.
National Institutes of Health. “Child Care Linked to Assertive, Noncompliant, and Aggressive Behaviors; Vast Majority of Children Within Normal Range.” July 16, 2003.
Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development. “Éducation et Accueil des Jeunes Enfants.” May 2003.
Ollivier, Debra. What French Women Know: About Love, Sex, and Other Matters of the Heart and Mind. New York: G. P. Putnam’s Sons, 2009.
Parker, Kim. “The Harried Life of the Working Mother.” Pew Research Center. October 1, 2009. http://pewresearch.org/pubs/1360/working-women-conflicted-but-few-favor-return-to-traditional-roles.
Pernoud, Laurence. J’élève mon enfant. Paris: Editions Horay, 2007.
Pew Global Attitudes Project. “Men’s Lives Often Seen as Better: Gender Equality Universally Embraced, but Inequalities Acknowledged.” July 1, 2010.
Pinella, Teresa, and Leann L. Birch. “Help Me Make It Through the Night: Behavioral Entrainment of Breast-Fed Infants’ Sleep Patterns.” Pediatrics 91, 2 (1993):436–43.
Prochner, Larry. “The American Creche: ‘Let’s Do What the French Do, but Do It Our Way.’” Contemporary Issues in Early Childhood 4, 3 (2003): 267–85.
Richardin, Sophie. “Surfez sur les vagues du désir!” Neuf Mois, February 2009, 49–53.
Rossant, Lyonel, and Jacqueline Rossant-Lumbroso. Votre Enfant: Guide à l’usage des parents. Paris: Robert Laffont, 2006.
Rousseau, Jean-Jacques. Émile, or On Education. Trans. Allan Bloom. New York: Basic Books, 1979.
———. Émile, or On Education. Sioux Falls, S.D.: NuVision Publications LLC, 2007. www.nuvisionpublications.com/Print_Books.asp?ISBN=159547840X.
Sawica, Leslie, coordinator. Le guide des nouvelles mamans. Free booklet prepared with support from the French health ministry. 2009.
Senior, Jennifer. “All Joy and No Fun.” New York, July 12, 2010.
Sethi, Anita, Walter Mischel, J. Lawrence Aber, Yuichi Shoda, and Monica Larrea Rodriguez. “The Role of Strategic Attention Deployment in Development of Self-regulation: Predicting Preschoolers’ Delay of Gratification from Mother-Toddler Interactions.” Developmental Psychology 36, 6 (November 2000): 767–77.
Skenazy, Lenore. Free-Range Kids. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2009.
Steingarten, Jeffrey. The Man Who Ate Everything. New York: Vintage Books, 1997.
Suizzo, Marie-Anne. “French and American Mothers’ Childrearing Beliefs: Stimulating, Responding, and Long-Term Goals.” Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology 35, 5 (September 2004): 606–26.
———. “French Parents’ Cultural Models and Childrearing Beliefs.” International Journal of Behavioral Development 26, 4 (2002): 297–307.
———. “Mother-Child Relationships in France: Balancing Autonomy and Affiliation in Everyday Interactions.” Ethos 32, 3 (2004): 292–323.
Suizzo, Marie-Anne, and Marc H. Bornstein. “French and European American Child-Mother Play: Culture and Gender Considerations.” International Journal of Behavioral Development 30, 6 (2006): 498–508.
Talbot, Margaret. “The Devil in the Nursery.” New York Times Magazine, January 7, 2001.
Thirion, Marie, and Marie-Josèphe Challamel. Le sommeil, le rêve et l’enfant: De la naissance à l’adolescence. Paris: Albin Michel, 2002.
Turkle, Sherry. Psychoanalytic Politics: Jacques Lacan and Freud’s French Revolution. New York: The Guilford Press, 1992.
———. “Tough Love.” Introduction. In Françoise Dolto, When Parents Separate. Boston: David R. Godine, 1995.
Twenge, Jean M., W. Keith Campbell, and Craig A. Foster. “Parenthood and Marital Satisfaction: A Meta-Analytic Review.” Journal of Marriage and Family 65, 3 (Au
gust 2003): 574–83.
Unicef. “Child Poverty in Perspective: An Overview of Childhood Well-being in Rich Countries.” Innocenti Report Card 7, 2007. UNICEF Innocenti Research Center, Florence, Italy.
U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics. American Time-Use Survey Summse oteary, 2009 results.
Warner, Judith. Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety. New York: Riverhead Books, 2005.
Zellman, Gail L., and Anne Johansen. “Examining the Implementation and Outcomes of the Military Child Care Act of 1989.” Research brief. Santa Monica, Calif.: Rand Corporation, 1998.
Zigler, Edward, Katherine Marsland, and Heather Lord. The Tragedy of Child Care in America. New Haven and London: Yale University Press, 2009.
index
The page numbers in this index refer to the printed version of this book. To find the corresponding locations in the text of this digital version, please use the “search” function on your e-reader. Note that not all terms may be searchable.
adult time, 7, 187–88, 194, 223
American Academy of Pediatrics, 124
American Baby magazine, 125
attend, xv, 60
authority of parents
absence of, 68–70, 225–26
allowance of bêtises, xv, 161–62, 234–35
authoritative versus authoritarian, 232–33, 236–37
the big eyes, xvii, 221, 232–33
building cadre, 228–30, 237
caprices, xvi, 72–73
child-king syndrome, xvii, 5, 223, 228
child’s security and happiness, 53, 84, 86, 221
complicité, xvi, 232, 237–40
édr. cité versus discipline, xvii, 7, 220, 233–34
fear of stifling creativity, 70–71, 224–25
leadership in family hierarchy, 226–28
punishment, 240
saying “no,” 71–74, 220–21, 240–41
shouting, 233
strictness, 234–35
autonomy
as child’s need, 246, 256–57
child’s time alone, 53, 66–67, 144–45
classe verte, xvi, 246
colonies de vacances, xvi, 243–44
cursing, xv, 166
dealings with other children, 248–50
overprotection and smothering, 146, 245, 250
praise, 251–56
school vacations, 243–44, 246–47
self-reliance, autonomie, xv, 244
tattling, rapporter, xviii, 249–50
trust and respect for children, 247–48, 257
awakening and discovery
within cadre, 237
éveillé/e, xvii, 82
independent play, 53, 66–67, 83, 144–45
as natural developmental process, 78–84, 110, 244
> for pleasure, 84
Baby and Child Care (Spock), 92, 186–87
BabyCenter Web site, 17, 56
baby weight
gain, 19, 26–28
loss, 124–28
bedtime. See sleep
bêtises, xv, 161–62, 234–35
the big eyes, xvii, 221, 232–33
birthing. See childbirth
Bitoun, Pierre, 121–22, 124
Blessing of a Skinned Knee, The (Mogel), 245
Bloom, Paul, 95–96
bonjour, xv, 154–58
boundaries and limits
for child’s happiness, 84, 221
permissiveness, 68–70
boundaries and limits (cont.)
protection of child from own desires, 74–75, 237
stifling of creativity, 70–71, 224–25
See also cadre
breastfeeding
American recommendation on, 124
as competition, 119
size="-1" face="Goudy Old Style MT Std">French disinterest in, 119–22
lack of correlation with baby’s sleep pattern, 39–40, 51
Bronson, Po, 254–55
Bruckner, Pascal, 193
caca boudin, xv, 149–50, 166–67
cadre
allowance of bêtises, xv, 161–62, 234–35
child’s blossoming within, 237
child’s predictable and coherent worl
d, 84–85
Bringing Up Bebe: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting Page 28