"None! You prick!"
"Really? Let's go see! Strength? Let’s see about that strength. Let's discuss your obsession with control. That is strength for you! A word forever now inked on your back! How many tattoos will it take? You want this behind you, regardless of how you feel! Admit it! That is the strength you are trying to find!" Ben storms past me.
He goes directly into my room. I hear him open my closet. No!
I run after him. “Fuck you! How dare you! You have never been more wrong! You have no understanding of my tattoo! Get the hell out of my room! You have no right!"
"Sure Max! Are you certain you didn't spend a penny? You may want to reconsider that answer! There are about fifteen shipping bags in here! Most of them unopened! Jesus Max!"
"So what! It was time for some new things! It means nothing! I make my own money! I am grown woman I can do what I want! It means nothing!"
"You're right you can, but you see, I fucken care about you. I know the signs of you falling apart. Your manic behavior. I caused this. What else Max? Do I dare look beside your bed? Your truth! Since our truth means so little to you! Let’s see!” Ben is at my nightstand in a second. He opens the drawer. My Trazodone lay on top of my books. Next to the box of condoms, he ignores now for the moment. "What is this drug for and don't go make me Google this shit because you know I will!"
I am losing. An attack impending. I cannot fight back any longer. All I can do is answer. I need to be alone. "Sleep and depression." I hang my head down. I surrender.
"Fuck! Max. Do I even dare count condoms? I do keep track, same as I know you check my drawer."
"Go ahead Ben. You win. I give up." I sit on the floor resting against my bed. I feel beaten. My chest hurts. It begins. The air is thinning like a flash of lightning. Shortly, I will be unable to breathe. The storm is here. I cannot stop it now. I begin to stutter. "I did, didn't fuck, haaaavvve sex or sleeleeep with any-one. It it it is is trtrttrue. Lolololook. Not not lylylying."
Ben quickly walks over, rushing to sit down in front of me. He tries to take my hands in his. “Breathe. I'll count, you breathe. I'm here. Close your eyes. Take deep breaths."
I do as I'm told. I don't want to lose to an attack now. Not in front of him. It physically hurts. I’m scared. My body hurts. I hate this. I can’t breathe. I look down, as I try to regain my breath before hyperventilating completely overcomes me.
His hands are there. The veins that run through his hands. The softness of his fingertips at this moment. I longed for them every day. I pull away. Ben allows me to do so. I don’t want his help. I hate anyone to see.
“Breathe Max. Don’t fight it. Breathe. Don’t be afraid. You know this will pass. You are stronger than this moment. It will pass.”
I fall on my side. I lose. I am not strong. My knees to my chest. I cannot breathe. I cannot fight. Ben movers closer and takes my hand and strokes my back. I can’t fight his grasp. My right hand holds my chest. The pain is agonizing. There is no air. I am dying. I hear death laugh. Tears fall without effort. I am afraid. No matter how many times I experience this, it never gets easier. This time, it is my death. Maybe I am ready. If I let go, will death take me?
“Come on Max. Catch that breath. I am sorry. You are stronger than this. Breathe. It is all in your mind. Your body is reacting to your mind. That is all.”
Ben lies down in front of me. He holds my hand tighter. “Look in my eyes Max. Come on, it is passing. Feel it pass. Squeeze my hand. I don’t care how hard. We are almost through it. You can do it. That is right. Don’t leave my eyes. Slow and steady. Come back to me. I am sorry.”
I have no idea how much time passes. Feels like an eternity. Ben counts and I try to breathe with each number. Finally, my heart slows down. His eyes fight my death. Ben wins. Again. I would have been content to die. I am weeping. My body feels heavy, the worst kind of exhaustion. Ben pulls me to him. He hugs me and holds me tight. He lets me cry until all the emotion binding me escapes. It is only when he speaks, I find myself alert again. This is not over. As he holds me, he questions me further. Please Lord, no.
"Why have you been avoiding me? Max, we have been through worse than a manic episode. We need to talk about that night, not run from it. I'm scared too. I'm scared I lost my best friend. Truth is Max I love my best friend. Not simply Olive juice. I am in love with you Max. You do not understand how long I wanted this. The night before I left, making love to you, you finally making love to me. I know you did Max. I know it was not in my head. I convinced myself after, you had cried tears of sadness, but they were joy weren’t they? I know that now. Max what we shared, it was the best night of my life."
I push Ben away. I stand. I stumble. I am weak. There is weakness in my muscles, like no other, from such an attack. Still I force myself and run back to the den. I feel trapped. Ben is quickly behind me. I will fail him. He does not understand. Our feelings do not matter. I can never give him what he deserves. It kills me, but it is the truth. I continue to stutter with my words. Panic has not left me. "Do do no not! You wiwill ruin iiitit aaalll. Don't you get it? We hahahave-perperfect life. Don't-that! No-no!"
"Why you really don't feel it? You are not that good a liar either Max. How can we ruin what we both feel? Max, I am not going to leave you. Listen to me. You cannot change how I feel. I love you. I know you do love me."
There is sudden further concern that crosses his face. He is analyzing. Thinking further. How far have I fallen? That attack was severe. He sees in me. There is more. Why have I not stopped stuttering? I close my eyes and I breathe. Find the breath. Find the way to complete your words, Max.
He storms past me back to the kitchen. No don’t. He opens the fridge. I bow my head again. I continue to shake. I have not yet recovered.
"Christ! There is nothing in here! You stopped eating too. How long? When was the last time you slept? When is the last time you ate?"
I take a deep breath. I know I can speak clearly now. Anger has arisen. He needs to let me be. "You’re not my father. Stop acting like it.” I try to leave again. Retreat! Abandon! I am losing all strength.
I escape into the bathroom. The walls of the den are closing in faster than I can process. My body will not withstand another panic attack. Ben does not let me get away.
He is fast and right next to me. He stops the door from closing. "How bad? Tell me! I've been gone eighteen days. How long? Did you call the doctor? God damn it Max, I love you. Talk to me!"
I hold the wall to steady myself. "I don't know? Monday? I told him the truth. He doesn't scream at me for things I have no control over. The parts of me I have no say. All I hate so deeply. He doesn’t do what you are doing now."
"That's it! Don't you see! This happens because you're seeking control of everything!"
"Fuck you."
"Fine! Fuck me! How many days since you last slept?"
I push with all my might passed him. I do not have the strength to stand. I am not this brave or strong with him here. I am not yet me. I am never completely "me", with him near. I find comfort in the softness of the couch. I pull my knees close to me. Ben stands at the side of the couch as I speak. I give in. Again.
"You win Ben. You want to know everything I'll tell you everything. I began rapid cycling while Lindsay was here, but then it all disappeared when you made love to me. But once you were gone my mania returned, but different from ever before. The lows lasted longer. Paralyzed me. The high maybe lasted a day or two. First, I cried for five fucking days straight. Wept like an abandoned baby with no mother in sight. A baby hungry and seeking to be held but is alone. Helpless. I had no idea if you kissed us goodbye that morning. Torment is an understatement. I slept on the couch too. Because my bed, I cannot go near it. It is now empty without you. I could not even watch TV. You weren’t here to shoot down any commentary. God forbid! I tried to find solace in music. I tried too. At least one lyric here or there is you. Yes, I stopped eating! I can’t look at food. It makes me sick to even think about it.
I did write nonstop at one point. I wrote with desperation. I wished to make this all go away. I don't know somewhere in there I managed to purchase over a $3000 dollars in stuff. I am not even certain what; clothes, shit. I didn’t fucken care. I am actually pretty certain there are a few things for you in there. Truth, because I think of you every God damn second! I tried to find a high in shopping. A high I could find alone within these wall. Truth again, leaving these walls, not so easy! My brain has not shut off. Now let’s see. Oh, you ask about sleep. I went three nights four days without sleep. It finally hit you were really going to be home soon. I got off the fucken crazy ass of mine and called Dr. D. I told him everything! He adjusted my meds and added some to help me manage this situation. And yes! You are correct. I did avoid you. I went to the spa on Wednesday. Only day out since you left. Oooh and Wednesday I ate a cupcake with Steph. So see, I ate. Oh and my tattoo you think you know so much about. I am the phoenix. I rose from the ashes which surround my mind which try to suffocate me every day.
That night I finally found my breath. I flew. Because of you, I found wings. I flew above the sadness. For once in my life, I saw a future that was not simply consumed in seeking the unattainable. Chasing life. I lived life in those moments with you. I shared. I let go. I saw infinity in your eyes. As far as my weeping, it was tears of sadness. You were right. Because I saw how wrong, I am about life. They were also of joy. Joy I have never felt. Love that scares me. I felt faith in a different light. My faith this time! Faith, that everything in this life may truly happen for a reason. Faith there may finally be more. Believe in all I cannot see! Life may not only be daily drugs, or the possible sadness that overcomes when I least desire. Maybe I am not doomed. Maybe, just maybe, it is time to be blessed. Maybe, I no longer need to hide. Hide you have always been the one. My everything. Is this what you want to hear? I am fucked up.
You are so concerned about my mania, as if this is my first episode. I have a mental illness Ben! It is my body’s reaction to this all. It would have happened if you did not leave for work or not. You have been my hidden world for twenty one years."
Ben doesn't move. He is speechless. I am light headed. Broken, yet again. It is all out. There is no turning back now. I want to sleep. I want to lie down and sleep. Disappear. Ben paces back and forth for a few moments.
It is then he turns to me. His voice changes. His face is now white. All color has left his skin. All light, flushed from his tanned skin. "This is the first time I made it happen. How many men?"
"There haven't been any men! God dammit Benjamin, I beg you to stop. Go look. Count. Do whatever you need! Oh my God! I said it all! You have not even heard me! I haven't wanted to be with anyone else. You want more. Is that what you want to hear? I've thought of only you. You do not know all of me Benjamin. I am not the whore you think I am. I am real also. That night changed so much. You want to believe I am a whore. Go ahead. I found the rushes I needed in other ways. I did not want to disrespect what happened between us. Go fucken look! This is what you truly think of me? Break me more!”
I am crying. Panic has left. Sadness surfaces. It is all out. Ben punches the wall. He leaves a huge crack in the wall. He stands away from me. Both palms pressed against the wall. He stands a foot from the wall. His head down. He loves me? Yet he thinks so little of me? He wants to know, then I will tell him!
“I close my eyes and I envision how you kissed me. How you touched me. The goddamn feel of you after beside me. Your breath on my neck. Your whispers in my ear. How slowly you caressed me. How patient and adoring you expressed me pleasing you. We moved as one. In your eyes, I fucken saw myself. Your lips so close to mine. When we weren't even kissing, yet my lungs were only filling with the breaths that left yours. You were bringing me back to life.
Now! Now I have no idea what to do. The walls within me you broke down. For one of the very, very, very few fucking times in thirty-nine years, sex meant something! I did make love to you. Maybe I didn’t do it right? Hell, I am not certain I know how! Nevertheless, I tried! You entered my soul for the love of God! You have always had it for that matter! Do you know that? Since you think you know me so well!
That night we were this one being! Jesus! It was supposed to be fucking! I knew you always wanted the fantasy of being with two women. I've been trying to find the right woman for years now. It was all for you! Yes, I did it for you! Then "that" happened! I mean, what the fuck Ben? We fucked all the time. Why did it have to change? I'm so scared too! Does this make you feel better? I'm fucking scared of what I feel! I'm scared of losing you! I'm scared of change! I'm scared of not being in control of any of this! I have no control over any of this! I hate this! I am going to fail you! You do not understand so much! Ben! I'm fucken petrified!"
My words linger in the air for us both. Ben now presses his head against the wall, exact same spot he cracked its plaster. I have nothing left. No word left unspoken. We are in the eye of the storm. Silence is needed right now for us both need. If only for a moment.
Chapter Twenty-One
I curl further into the pillow. I open my eyes when I hear his soft footsteps approach. Ben sits beside me and puts his head against the back of the couch. I stay motionless.
He takes a few deep breaths before speaking again. "I was so mad at you. Frustrated. Hell I am not even sure Max. I didn't know any of this. You wouldn’t talk to me, except those empty texts. I thought you were trying to control everything. I let my own insecurity and worth, I question get the best of me Max. I thought you were avoiding me because you wanted it forgotten. That it was a mistake to you. When it's all that has mattered to me. I texted. I called every moment, every chance I could. Not once, did you answer the phone. I only got those Goddamn texts back. Rapid cycling! Mania! Me! Us! I never even considered this was happening. I don’t know why. I know you. How did I not know this? Why did I not consider this? How did I not read the woman I truly know, in your vague messages? Max, we have always trusted one another. Always, even before that night. Max, I hate myself.
God that night, you said you believed in me. How did I push that aside? I have been so scared I lost you. I lost sight of it all myself. I am not perfect. I am insecure at moments also. I thought the worst when what I dreamed finally came true. Max, words do not express how I love you."
"Ben there is so much I can't make you understand."
"I do understand that's it. Fuck! I've stayed up with you during manic episodes. I've stopped you from spending your savings. You were there to pick me up when I was completely inebriated. You were there before I got sober. You stood by as I struggled through accepting my disease. You stayed. You never faltered, not once as I battled through finding my sobriety. It was hell on us both. You did this all with your own struggles. You have been, you still are my best friend. Forever Max. I loved you more than any other human being then Max. More than myself. What I never shared, what you must know, I have been in love with you since the day you got off that plane to live here beside me. Jesus, I wonder many times, if I have since the day, we first met. It is time you know this. We have wasted all these years."
"No. We don't ask more than the other can give. I am not all you think I am. I will fail."
"Maybe it's time we re-evaluate what we can give one another. Maybe it's time we both believe in ourselves, in one another, as we did that night."
"Is this why you left Tahoe in the middle of the night?"
Ben leans forward and put his elbows on his knees with his head in his hands. He is silent for what feels like forever. What is it? Please I can't handle much more. I am still uncertain where we go from here. We love one another. What do people who claim their love do from here?
Finally, Ben speaks, though he does not look up. He does not look at me. "No. No. Well yes, I could not wait another moment for us to talk about this all. Fuck! This is opposite of all I convinced myself of. I came back to fight for you. You have to know that! I had to see you. See your eyes. Oh God Max, I am so sorry. I broke a
promise to you. It broke me in two a moment after it happened. That's why I came home.”
Ben now lifts his head and turns sideways towards me. I do not know what to feel. All we have shared. Finally spoken. When does this end? I am not processing why he came back. I can only search his eyes for more. I sit up. I feel heaviness in my chest rise.
“Dammit! I was so angry. I was honestly so sad myself. Sadness I have never felt. For the first time since my sobriety, I felt spite. In my heart, I knew you felt what we shared also. Maybe I have always known you were in love with me too. Watching you run from life, trying to control everything for so many years, I convinced myself you would have nothing to do with it though. Even if you did love, even if it was real, it wasn’t going to matter. You were avoiding me Max. I kept trying. I tried you repeatedly while I was gone. I became so angry. You are so different from anyone else Max. How you handle life. Even your honesty right now, I am lost. Lost in the best way. Oh God! I don't know how to say this, it honestly just happened. I didn't go looking, you have to know this."
I sit completely up letting my legs fall back in front of me. I wipe the tears that have drowned my eyes, having made it impossible to see clearly. I can feel how swollen and sore they are. Anger, rage overcomes me. I opened up! I said it all! When shall I ever learn the cruelty of life? I hate this life! I hate this world. Is this the next step? Good fuck your world!
"You hypocrite! You scream at me. Questioning how many men I fucked. You fucked some random woman didn't you? Let's not confuse the situation! You can fuck whomever you want. We are not together! However, you have no right to be so hypocritical and accusatory toward me! No! You know what! After all, you spoke, all your “feelings”. Truth is, you disrespected what we shared! You were angry! With me? Me! No. No. I may not have a say in your choices but, who are you? You do not fuck strangers within hours! You could have only been there hours! You usually have at least one date! I hope she was fucken great! You’re a fucken hypocrite! You made me feel like a whore when all I’ve thought of is you."
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