We have not left the apartment in six days. Barely left my room aside from our showers and answering the door from all the food delivery. I still do not care much for eating but Ben does. It is all so incredible in a different way. Everything I see and do now feels like it is through new eyes.
The foreplay, the sex is incredible. No, it is not simply sex. The term, ‘making love’ is still hard for me. My insecurities toy with my mind. It is still so much for me to digest. I feel like I am in need of rewiring my brain. I realize in the way we look at one another and the attention we take it is not only sex anymore. There is a difference. I feel completely one with him.
We actually still even fuck. I had no idea there were all three. Especially that all three can be genuine and honest. Some lustful and anxious, others filled with laughter and playfulness and then the times we don’t to say anything our touch says more either of us could speak. Sounds stupid, doesn’t it? I almost feel eighteen again. I feel like I did after I lost my virginity. I keep waiting to see some change in the mirror when I look at myself.
We are connecting on levels I pushed out of my mind. One’s I taught myself never to believe they exist. I do struggle. Welcoming expressing your love during sex is still a learning process for me. I previously thought ‘making love’ was an oxymoron. I abandoned the concept lifetimes ago. I did many things to survive. Now, I am a work in progress. There are many moments my mind seeks to defeat me. I fight demons in me. I will continue to do so until they find their own death.
I haven’t been able to let go as I did that night. Despite how my trust and love only grows deeper. I am expressing a great deal despite the twisted nature within my mind. Our past haunts me more than ever.
I cannot deny all of the honesty Ben is sharing while I still possess so many secrets. I fear a possible truth being exposed. The loss. I keep trying to put it in the back of my head. I want so badly to let go. I am giving ninety percent, not the hundred percent we shared. I do not doubt that with every touch from Ben, he is giving me one hundred percent. I wonder if the way we were that night will happen again. Was it a once in a lifetime moment for me?
My walls. I fell off my wall that night and broke into so many pieces. Ben has put me back together again. He is healing, rebuilding a tremendous amount. He has done so much in these brief few days. It amazes me. If we never, because of me, have that exact moment again, it won't make me sad. I will forever have gratitude it happened. Same as I once did so long ago. Twisted, yet grateful. I do wish to find the strength to be utterly free again. Not hold back an ounce of me. Be free of my mind, my reluctance. Be the woman Ben sees in me.
Chapter Twenty-Three
I walk back into my room. I see my mug with a plate over it. My morning pill rest on top of it. I can’t help but stop and smile.
“What? You can't drink tea cold. It has to be hot. If you do not make those annoying slurp sounds while drinking, I know you, you aren't really enjoying it.”
I climb on my bed directly to Ben. I sit on Ben’s lap facing him. I wrap my legs behind him. I kiss him. I linger in its pleasure and safety. The tea tastes so good on his lips. It is hard to let his lips leave mine. I need him to know. “I could kiss you for days. I never could tell you that before. You make feel like a teenager. Sometimes I want G-rated with you. Make-out for hours. Imagine that. Nothing else. Every kiss with you feels new. As if it is our first."
"Actually, I remember our very first kiss. It will always be a part of me. We kissed the first night we met. The bar/club was called Panama Jacks. One of the few nights, my friends and I had leave, off the grounds. Your hair was French braided. Let's see, you had hand painted shorts on and a black top that rested off your shoulders. I never danced, but I watched you. We talked for a long time at the bar. You did not have a single drink. I had only one in your presence. You smelled like gardenias, even in the smoky club. You smiled at almost everything I said. I specifically remember asking you for your number and being quite nervous. Then happy you did not hesitate. I remember leaning down to kiss you and holding the back of your neck in my palm. You did taste like cigarettes, not that I cared. How much did you smoke then? Anyway, when I leaned down to kiss you, it was then I truly saw how stunning your eyes were. I already thought you were beautiful. When I moved to kiss you, that moment right before you closed your eyes and met my lips, you took my breath away Max. Depeche Mode, "Enjoy The Silence” was playing. I knew then, I 1was never going to be same. Not after that kiss. I never was."
"I can't believe how you remember all of that."
"As well as I remember that, I never forget how I so foolishly pushed you away. How I once broke your heart. I prefer holding onto different memories. We can certainly only have a make out session anytime you wish. There is nothing more I would enjoy than kissing you for hours. Didn't you ever realize that’s why; you have to have that song as my ringtone? I have always put it in every cell phone since you came back.”
"No. Not until this moment. I am a bit in awe of everything you just said."
“Max, do you forgive me. Truly forgive me for never telling you that you were my first?”
“Yes. I do wish I knew. I was scared. It would have been nice to be scared together.”
“Why were you scared? It wasn’t your first time.”
I look away. Secrets. God should I finally tell him. It is no big deal. It is just I lied about it because at the time I felt like him telling me that he gave me his was such a big deal. I also felt like I had control then. Oh God I was obsessed with such control back then even with him. His alcoholism had been exhausting, even more than my illness. I wanted to for one thing in this life have more than him. No, I can’t. Oh God! He gave me a gift. I can’t. I simply can’t.
I look back in Ben’s eyes. “I loved you so much; I simply did not want to disappoint you.”
"You could never disappoint me. Should we have a G-rated session now?"
Just when I thought, I could not love him more. I wrap my hands around his neck. Shame we cannot deny who I have become. I let out a sarcastic laugh at my own self. “It is a nice thought to consider, but we know there will come a point I will either attack you or beg you to attack me. Perhaps even make love to me. Though you do 00also do realize this zebra's stripes before you are still jet black. However, I will enjoy this a few more minutes. Then I'm going to make you a new tea. You deserve hot tea also since I'm making yours cold right now.”
Ben cup’s the back of my neck, same as he described only moments ago. The exact memory I have also of our first kiss. The one I've never let go. He takes my face in his other hand. He kisses me. We both take our time. Our tongues explore one another differently than the way it intoxicated me for years before. It searches all of me. I feel his kiss pulsate through my entire body as it quiets my mind.
Everything now is intimacy I've never considered. Intimacy, I never allowed. It feels extraordinary. My heart feels happy. I'm in bed with a man and my heart is happy. Safe. Protected. I kiss him deeper. Appreciation pours out of me.
Ben moves our kiss from deep and passionate back to sweet and simple. He gently let’s it go. “God, I love you. Okay, this isn't easy, but we may need to stop. I can’t believe I am saying this but we need a break.”
“You are right, we do. I feel all the years I kept how I felt in are exploding in me. I want to share them.”
“Believe me Max, I feel exactly the same. More than you understand. You deserve an apology also. I am sorry. I feel as though my alcoholism prevented me from seeing all that was before me. I am so ready now. Nothing in this world could ever make me let you go. I am sorry it took me so long to get here. Now…I would like to finish the conversation you began earlier. Take your pill first, before we both forget.”
I move off Ben, to beside him. He is right. I need that medication. Even missing a dose can disrupt the progress I am making. I am getting back to a place I consider, “normal” in my world. I toss it to the back of my throat, understanding it is no
t an option. It is part of me. It is not all of me. I will do whatever is needed to maintain me. It is no longer only for me; I want to be healthy as I can be for Ben to. I am already scared of what he just shared. I still fear he will see through me one day. The fear I could lose him. Right now, yes that horrible word yet again, stay in control, I also can’t but enjoy every single moment of this my mind allows me.
“Let me go make you a new cup of tea before we start exploring my twisted mind?”
“No I'm alright. You drink yours. I like it even when it’s cold. We will leave the slurping responsibility on you. Come sit between my legs and lean on me. I want you close.”
I reach for my mug underneath the plate keeping it hot. I scoot over moving between Ben’s legs. I lean back on his chest. He immediately begins playing with my hair. I want time stop. I slurp my tea. I can't see, yet I can feel his smile. How is this?
“Max I know the battles you face daily. Sometimes I don’t understand you. Why would you ever feel you don't know how to love? Why do you say such foolish things? You love deeper than anyone I have ever met.”
“I don't know. I see it differently. Probably because I shut down so early in life. Of all the relationships I've had, not that I even consider them that. Maybe interactions with men is more appropriate. I suppose I need to add interactions with women also, as much as I prefer I didn't. I only feel that way about the women because that was not really curiosity when I explored it in life. Reflecting now, it was defiance. Spite. I was running away. That is solely why I am not proud of that period in life. Anyway. Best way I can answer your question is by recognizing my unhealthy obsession with control.”
“It is unhealthy Max. I am grateful you see that. I have felt you trying to give up some these past few days. It’s felt equally, you and I.”
“I need control in my life. I don't honestly want it with you anymore. I am trying. I really am. I want to honor that. What I really need is to learn and understand balance. What I am finding hard times is how we used to be. The fucking part. I can't deny I still want to consume you. Make choices for us both. Take you when I choose. At moments, be domineering still. I am still fucked up, but it satisfies me to make you happy. My pleasure, isn’t what solely matters to me anymore. Not to see I didn’t want you to feel satisfied, it is just I did- shamefully I did always want mine first. This is all a huge change for me. Right now I can tell you, I can only think about being close to you. This closeness, even giving not only receiving sexually, that was never even considered with other lovers. They were only games.”
“Well one, Max I am no longer ‘your lover’ nor am I ever to be your game. This I different. So this all should feel different.”
“No. I know. I am saying it all wrong. It is not that I never wanted to pleasure you before. I am ashamed to say, my pleasure simply always came first. It was the way I’ve always protected myself. Now I want and need to make you desire me, but more you feel more pleasure and fulfilled. I don’t know I am fucking this all up.”
“First of all, I will always desire you. That will always simply be. Second, Max what you just described isn't necessarily control. That is seducing one another. It's not the same as you being domineering or seeking control like you still think. I know how you were before. I know how you were with other men and women. It is the past. I know how hard it is for you to keep your eyes open. I even know there are things I will never know about you. The reasons you have behaved as you did. I will never seek to know exactly why. I will do everything to continue to change them now. Max, you don't have to choose or only have pieces of life. Everyone deserves his or her own definition of it "all". Don't ever compare us with anyone else. We aren't any other couple. Same respect they are not you and I. We are different. With me Max, you will have it all. So if you need time to digest, please di it now and begin understand this is your truth now. You will have nothing less, than all of me.”
I move and put my tea back on the nightstand. I lean back into him and take his arms. I hold them tight. Strange to not be naked, yet still the most wonderful way, completely bare. Listen with an open heart and mind to the deepest parts of us. Share. Intimacy. “Are you scared Ben?”
“Yes. I do understand it is different from your fear. I fear you running away from me emotionally. It becoming more than you suddenly will allow. Because for whatever reason in this fucked up head of yours, you do say, you feel you don't deserve this. I fear moments such as this, you become so insecure or confused you will shut down. God Max all I can ask, with us don’t be your own worst enemy. Once you have this through your thick skull we can work on your not being your own worst enemy with the rest of your life.”
“I'm scared this fucked up head of mine is what will make you leave. You have been in love before. Really in love. What if it doesn't feel as good for you as it felt before?”
“Is that why you are still holding back at moments? Is that why you have been all you were that night? I do feel the resistance. I feel you also pushing yourself to move forward. I feel both. Is that what this is about?”
“A little.”
“Max, I'm an alcoholic and yes, you’re well, clinically nuts. As different as we are, we share more similarities than your eyes seem to be seeing still. You once said, all I will reiterate. We complement each other. Truth. Being the friends that we have been first, shows already we will see each other through the best and worst. We will still seek our own time. That is still who we are. This right now, we will need to get back to the real world. Truth is, right now we are almost like a honeymoon stage and we are certainly making up for some lost time.
We respect what the other needs. Yes. I was once "in love" before. It didn't work in the end. Each love is different. You will learn this. I don't compare you to others. I only see you as you. Hell, maybe we don't work out. I don't even know that. I simply know I'm not willing to deny this. Deny trying my very best. Look, I am not even great at expressing myself. Hell I am winging this myself Max. I may not get this all right. But I refuse to not do this all. Give you all. The mere fact that somehow the most confidant, domineering woman I know I am help see the most obvious right before is crazy! And me doing all the talking? Shit Max, you never hold back. In my experience you express it all. Right now, somehow it seems we have switched roles. I am doing all the talking as your listen? Now that is twisted.”
I elbow Ben as he continues.
“That is not an insult! I chalk it up to you being a writer. Look, I don't have this all figured either. I'm muddling through this like you. However, I don't let the fear paralyze me.” He begins playing with my hair again. How about you look at this for now, we are good in bed, the kitchen, the couch and the shower. Shall I go on? Anywhere the mood strikes for that matter!”
I can’t help but now laugh.
“Ah now that is the sound I love. Seriously, we are so much more than the sexual desires between us. We are more than the physical. This moment right now. The way we are talking like this and sharing fears, this is honesty. This is you and I tearing down walls. This is love. This is fearless.”
“We have been fucking a long time. We are good.”
“Max! You are too much! You choose what you want to acknowledge still! I will keep showing you until you believe. You may not want to listen to this, but finally being able to express and make love to you, is so much better than anything we have ever shared. It isn’t only our bodies. You know this Max. Even when you are so God damn stubborn to say somethings in return.”
“I'm afraid I disappoint you.”
“Christ, stop Max! See this is your problem! You are your own worst enemy. Again! You never showed weakness before. Never! How are you the same almost dominatrix who took whatever she wanted when she wanted? Who dominated with such ease whomever, whenever? You have no idea how to stop. You don't disappoint me! You know what, you will at some time. We are going to disappoint each other at some point! I am going to disappoint you still. We are both learning and we are far from pe
rfect. God Max we are both human. We also have our own individual issues. The answer to this all is simple Max. We keep doing what we always did. Make one another laugh, support each other and respect the other’s desires and needs. The only thing that we change, we take five minutes at a time. Can you do that?”
“I will try harder. I will do anything for you. Can I say one more thing?”
“If you continue, I may need a meeting at this rate”.
I turn around. “You are such a wise ass. All I want to say is. All this. Being vulnerable is scary as fucken hell. I don't like it, yet I don't want to be any other way with you when it comes down to it. I care what you think of me. I really care. Can you promise me one thing?”
“Sure. Let me first run to the liquor store."
I jab Ben even harder than before. “Stop! Don't even joke. That's not funny!”
“I'm sorry. Your right. I’ll promise you anything. What?
“Promise if ‘this’ somehow doesn't work out. Promise I'll never lose you?”
“That I can promise. I am never letting you go Max. Never. You're beautiful. All of you. Inside, out, upside down. Left, right. I will never leave you again in life whether we make it as a couple or not. You are my best friend Max. There is a love there also that is stronger than steal. Nothing Max, nothing ever again can make me leave you. Please say you know that?”
“No, but you make me certainly make me want to believe it. Do you know you are the most handsome, sexiest man I've ever laid eyes on?”
“I know your brain doesn't produce enough serotonin.”
“Stop! Come on. It's true. I remember that first night pretty well myself. You have only gotten better.”
“I love you Max. Now this will be a new for you also. I am going to have the last word. There is a question I once overheard a couple discussing in a coffee shop. It never left me. It is exactly how I see and feel about you. The woman asked the man across from her. “What is the difference between the love of your life and your soul mate?” He replied with the utmost certainty. “One is a choice and one is not.” You are not a choice for me Max.”
I Walked With Her Page 14