I've never stopped resenting life Nick and yes, you are part of that reason! I further sought my need for control. The games they consisted of. I lived my life. I continued with the independence I thought I needed. I had a best friend who unconditionally stood by me. He never faltered the whole time. He didn’t come in and out of my life. Ben stayed with me and finally now ...well we are more... more than benefits...he felt it and I denied it at first. There was no longer “was”, there “is”. Fear is such a paralyzing emotion. I didn't want to disappoint him. A moment came though I couldn’t look away. I had to face my fear. You don't understand. I finally let go. We are in love. I finally understand what that means! I am thirty-nine! A long fucking time to figure something like that out! It took us so long. We have come so far. God I keep my eyes open during sex! It took years! I am no longer afraid! I am so safe and so loved by him! It is more than I ever thought I would have in this life. I never knew it could be like this. It is beyond any other words I could try to describe it, except...I saw forever."
"I know when you left New York. Thanks for sharing that last part. Now I know why people drink. That last confession will never leave me. Max he hasn't stood beside you for everything! You have not told him everything! Here you are the one saying you will lose him. Make up your mind. If he loves you like you describe, he isn't going to leave. Though how do you not see he is the one who changed everything about you? You lost yourself because of him.”
I hit Nick in the shoulder. I need him to stop! “And it is because of him I found myself again. He put me back together again, better than I ever was before. He sees in me; all I still can be. And he isn’t the only who changed everything about me! You dick! Go find a mirror and look in it! Stop taking yourself out of the equation!”
Nick gets up and begins pacing. This is a clusterfuck. Is this the ultimate destruction or salvation from every secret and deception? Is this truly the end of me? Pieces of me are scattered everywhere. They lay in front of me. I don’t have the strength right now to pick them up. Please God, where is my glue? Nick is no longer my glue, right now he is the hammer. Someone shut the door, but first push the skeletons back. Find a lock and close it. Please God throw away the key. I never gave my permission for Pandora’s Box to be opened.
I stop. I can breathe. This is not real. "You're right? I am not losing him now over the past. The past is the past. I will not do this to either one of us. We are beginning a future. Our future."
I light another cigarette. The taste suddenly, Oh no! I feel. I know I am going to be sick. Tears fall from my eyes with utter disgrace. Everything is spinning out of control. I need to get out of here. Insanity lurks like a sharks fin in the distant ocean. I cannot break any more. I stare straight ahead.
"I can't tell him now. I will not tell him after all these years. He has always wanted children. As much as I! He thought his career kept him from the family he’s always wanted. Look at me! Look at what I’ve done! I can never give him that gift. I can't give it to him because of what I did all those years ago. The accident, even that fuck Craig, and then my selfish behavior having my tubes tied. I never allowed myself to believe Ben and I could, would be more than we were. I especially could not have this body, this goddamn mind, fail me further.”
Nick walks back and sits behind me on the cement bench. His voice is now low. “I believed in you. I always believed in you. When my father passed, it was real.”
"God this is still all about you! You still think you are listening but you are not hearing me! Jesus Christ stop! You were mourning! Your marriage was at a point you did not know where it was going. It was not even about me! It was an idea of me! It was not me! Stop twisting this all!”
"You are wrong Max. You need scream at me go ahead. Tell me you hate me! Fine! Max you go on about unconditional love and God; I am not even doubting it from what he does know. There are secrets, ones that bind you Max. You are still tied up in them! You can still have a future together. You need to tell him Max. He needs to know the truth. Unconditional means he will stay. He needs to hold himself accountable for that night, not you hold yourself."
I feel his eyes in my back. I do not turn around. "I'm not that woman Nick. My mind and body tell me so every day. I will not take that chance. It is all too late. Especially now. That fucken book. Nick?"
"Max. I am sorry. I am sorry I know your secrets. I have been heartbroken and sorry you went through everything alone. I am most sorry I lost your trust when you finally gave into trusting me."
"Well now you put this out there for the entire world to know, didn't you? You know what the truth shall be. A piece of fiction you wrote! That is what it will be for me. A story. Not mine. It is not my name. Her name is Bertha. The fat girl's name, you once found so appropriate because of my insecurities. Bertha the one-breasted psycho, broken freak. It is a sad story, but it is not mine any longer. I am not going to let you affect my life any further. I do not care what you do with the book or the money. It is not me."
"You are not thinking clearly right now Moe."
"There is nothing else to think about.” I am done. I try to stand. I lose my balance quick. Nick is right there catching me.
"We need to get you back to your room. Put your arm over my shoulder."
"No! I can do this alone. Go away Nick. You have done enough for one night! I hate you.”
Nick still holds me. His grip is tight around my waist. His stubbornness has always exceeded mine. "I know, you hate me. I'm still not leaving you. Let's go."
Chapter Fifty
I begin crying again. I do need him right now. I need his help back to my room. Truth is I am scared. In all my years, I’ve never drank as much as I have tonight. I know my drug limitations. What I am feeling right now is very unfamiliar. My insides feel as though they are going to come out. Soon very soon. He walks me slowly yet steady. We get to the elevator quickly. I am thankful. Soon we are on my floor. "You’re a prick for getting a suite for me too. Do you know that?"
"No. I am egotistical. The rest is simply to impress you. Now give me your key."
"You can't come in! Go away.” My head drops now without my approval. Tears still fall. My stomach churns. I am going to be sick.
"Okay Moe. Whatever you say.” Nick takes the key from my hand. Still holding me, he opens the door.
It is the feel of the air conditioning. The cold that hits as the door opens, a chill runs through me, sends me racing to the bathroom. My insides surface more violent than I thought possible. Beyond any flu, I have ever experienced. My mind has no say to stop this. I try to mouth again between my body convulsing I hate him. However, the words do not make it out. I am so angered by my behavior. This is his entire fault.
Nick is beside me. "Well now this is a first for us."
I lift my arm from the grasp on the toilet. All I can do is give him the finger.
"Do you have a hair band in here some place?"
I shake my head no, as my entire body heaves again.
"I will hold it for you. You need to let it all happen. Try not to fight against it. It will only make it worse.”
He takes off his jacket and tosses toward the tub. The tub I thought would be so wonderful to share with Ben. I am going to lose him now. The thought alone makes my insides tremble furiously causing me to erupt more violently.
"Hold on. This doesn't last forever I promise.”
He leans forward and flushes the toilet so I do not have to see. I feel him try to twist my hair in to a bun so it stays out of my face. He unties my shoes and throws them aside. I feel him get up and leave. When he returns he wraps the plush hotel robe around my shoulders. He grabs a towel and wets half of it. He sits this time behind me. Close. He puts his legs beside mine. I have no energy to fight. I rest my head against the toilet. I keep trying to come up for air. I am cold. The robe does not help. I am shaking from the inside out. Nick leans around me, wipes my face. God only knows, what is there. I have no desire to know. I hate him. I feel my cheek
s soaked with tears. I wish I could wash it. It feels like my coffin is about to be this bathroom floor. My head hurts severely. I need to close my eyes. Sleep. Wake and this all have been a bad dream. I cannot lose Ben. Not now.
Nick puts his head on my shoulder and lays his arms on mine. "I never meant to hurt you. Somehow I always do. "
I truly do not care what he has to say. My body is convulsing again. This time nothing is leaves me but the breaths I am trying to hold onto.
"It's almost over. Hold on Moe."
Suddenly I hear my phone. It sings, ‘All I ever wanted, All I ever needed.’
"Well, we know that isn't my ringtone."
I turn my head. I cannot lift it. My eyes only half open. I stretch the only ounce of strength I have to give him the dirtiest look I can return. Suddenly it is not over, I am heaving all over again. I do fight against it now. I want this over. I fail.
"Ben- worry.” I vomit again. The depths of my insides return. I understand every person who has declared, if only they get through this, they will never drink again. Right now, I pray the same. ‘Lord please let this end. I swear I will never drink again. Ever’. "Work- yacht."
"Ah Fuck! Moe, I have to get it!"
“No-me-"
“Yeah right, you!”
My head falls hard against the cold ceramic. I am definitely going to die here and now. Oh God, in a hotel room with him. Well this is poetic in the end. Nick is up already. I quickly realize how his body against mine kept me upright. I hold on. I feel lightheaded and dizzy. I welcome the notion of passing out at this point, anything to end this vile existence, at this very moment. My body falls limp and silent.
Chapter Fifty-One
I slide the screen and answer with a deep breath. I absolutely despise yet somehow understand the man on the other end of the line. "Ben?"
"Nick? Where is Max?"
"Sick. I got her to her room in time. It's okay."
"What do you mean, sick?"
"Seems like the flu, maybe twenty-four-hour thing.”
“Don’t fucken lie to me!”
“Listen. I do not want you to worry about her. That is all. She drank a bit too much, pretty sure with not enough food inside her."
"Max drank too much? She barely drinks! If ever! She knows she cannot on her meds! You fuck! What the fuck did you do? What are you up to? It could not have been about a job! She was so hesitant to go! I am the one who told her to go and hear you out."
"Ben she is okay. I am sure the worst is over. It was about a job. The drinks were strong. I pissed her off. She probably did not even realize how much she had until it was too late. She is okay. I swear. Jesus, you convinced her to come. Well, this only get better. Fantastic."
"What? Put her on the phone! I need her to say she is alright!"
“Jesus Christ”! I walk back into the bathroom. Max is done. Christ! She is out cold on the floor. Unconsciousness? Asleep? I do not know which. "Shit!"
"Shit what? What the hell is going on?"
"She passed out. Fuck!” I am bent over her. Listening close. Please let her be breathing. Oh God if she hit her head! Thank God, she is breathing! My fear, my guilt, this is only getting so much worse. She may not be done vomiting. I need to put her on her side. Towels, damn it, where are the fucken towels. I am not keeping her head on this floor! Damn it, the phone. Ben! I pick it back up.
Ben is yelling into the phone. "Let me explain how I am going to kill you. This is not her! Did she take anything at dinner? Xanax?"
"No. She never left the table alone. She didn't even have a bag with her!"
"You need to find her pocketbook and get out her pill case. We have to know if she mixed her meds with drinking. I am going to massacre you if anything happens to her!"
I say nothing in return. She will be okay for a moment. I put the phone down. Adrenaline and fear escalates in me. I quickly find her pocketbook. It sits on the middle of the bed. All I can think is to turn it over, dump all of its contents. Search! A little red leather pill case bounces onto the pillow. I grab it and dart back to the bathroom.
"I have it. How am I supposed to know if she took anything?"
"You aren't! I will you. You prick! I know exactly what should be in there.” He is pacing. I can hear his footsteps clear through the phone. His anger and worry are clearly present, as are mine.
"Open each compartment. There should be two diamond shaped white pills."
"They are here."
"Eight small light yellow pills."
"Yes..."
"Two white larger round pills."
"God! How much does she take? They are here."
"A lot! She does what she needs to do! You want to mock her now! There should be six small orange pills in the last spot. Those are her Xanax. Are there six?”
"Yes. They are all here..."
"You Goddamn Fuck! That means she trusted you. I don't know whether to hate you more now."
Ben’s words strike me like lightning. She still trusted me and here I broke her yet again. The man she loves is on the other end of the line. The man who destroyed the girl I knew and built up the woman she finally always hoped to be. I only thought of myself. Again. The story I felt should be told, not her. At thirty-nine, for past returned because of me. When she finally may have outrun it.
"Thank god she didn't take it! Thank God, she is only asleep! She knows, she knows, she takes her meds every damn day! She is fully aware she cannot drink with them. I do not understand. I can't believe I am saying this, but if you leave her side, if anything happens to her; pieces, they will find your body in pieces!"
"I am not going to leave. I am not going to let anything happen to her. I love her too.”
"That is what infuriates and scares me most. You love her and you let this happen to her. You know her struggles as well as I. I knew you still loved her. She tried to tell me different. She may not believe it, but she most certainly trusted you still! God willing, she sleeps this off and remembers none of it. You had better go make some calls. She is not to get on that flight first thing in the morning. I need her to call me as soon as she wakes up. I don’t care when it is. Fuck! How could you let this happen? A job? Was it worth it? God damn it!"
"I am sorry. I am not sure what to say."
"Save your apology for her, not me.” Ben hangs up.
I drop the phone on the counter and quickly sit beside her. Fuck Max. I touch her shoulder. What have I done? I trace her hair with my fingers. Reality hits. I have to get this place back to how it was. She cannot stay on this floor.
I leave her. I need to do this all quickly. I return everything on the bed, back in into her purse. If only I could do the same with her life. Why I am only realizing now, her secrets should have been thrown in the fire that night! She survived them. Her ways far from orthodox, but she is a survivor. She did escape it all. Now it all begins again.
I throw the covers back. I want her off that floor. I stop at the bathroom door as I return. She looks dead and it hurts. Her body is alive but what have I killed within her? Christ!
I scoop her into my arms and carry her. She is as limp as a rag doll in my arms. I lay her in the posh bed. Shit, there is vomit on her clothes. I cannot leave her this way either. My mind races further, there will be further hell to pay for undressing her. I have no choice. I do it as quickly and with care as I can.
With her clothes under my arms, I cover her in the blankets. Now to clean up the bathroom. I need to do something with these clothes. I cannot put them in the bathroom, most certainly not her suitcase. The closet! They always have a plastic bag for laundering. Yes. It is here. My mind is still racing. I do agree. I do hope as Ben said, she will not remember any of this. I need to clean up the towels in the bathroom. I can have housekeeping bring new ones in the morning. For now, I am putting them all outside the door. I do not want her to see.
I finish. I walk to the fridge. It becomes clear I had better drink some water myself. Once this adrenaline ceases, I too
may suffer. I grab a twenty-four-ounce water bottle from the bar and chug it all down at once as I head for the couch. I drop into its cushions.
I look at Moe; in the least, she is nestled. I sit back, set on not sleeping. My intent solely lay on not taking my eyes off her until she wakes. The clock reads 2:32 a.m. I have not called Kelly to say goodnight. There will be many questions and much explaining needed on my end as well. Right now, I am certain my wife is lying in bed alone wondering if I’m sharing a bed with Max. Deep down, I know a part of her realizes. A man doesn’t spend over a year writing about a woman who he doesn’t love far deeper than he admits. Even with the time difference, it is not too late to call her, yet I cannot bring myself to do so. I will face the consequence later. Right now, I need to focus on Max.
How did we get here? I look around the room. There it lay. My book. It lay on the floor by the door. I cannot stop it now.
“Why? I should have insisted on seeing her before its publication. You are indeed a selfish prick. You know people will read it. This book is going to be a success. Like so many other moments in life, I didn’t put her first.”
I drop my head back against the wall. It sends a shot of pain straight to both temples. It is then I hear Max moan. A low moan of desperation escapes even as she sleeps. An ache, which sounds as though it is originating from her deepest core. It is then I see she is crying still, even while she sleeps. What is her mind doing to her? Let her rest. Let her be. God! I cannot just sit here and watch this! Fuck it!
I kick off my shoes and pull my shirt over my head, leaving them both behind. I climb in bed beside her. I spoon her saddened body. I hold her, desperately trying to will away the trembling. I close my eyes and pray, she will not remember. I pray she has her own blackout.
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