"Max what is it? Are you really alright?"
"Yes. Absolutely! Please let me do this. I promise I can afford it."
"I don't know, since when you can afford Malibu, but I'm sure we can figure out a few days. How can I say no to being pampered in paradise on a beach with you in a bikini?"
“Who said I would be in a bikini?” I actually have the slightest laughter in me still.
“Well you wearing a bikini would be a deal breaker. To bikini or not bikini? I get to pick it out also." I can feel Ben smile also through the phone.
“If that is what it takes, fine bikini.” I feel my smile subside quickly as I continue. “How long will you be home in between charters?"
"I'm not sure. Probably two weeks? After this I can't imagine they have me off less."
"I will plan the whole thing. You get back on a Wednesday?"
"Yes."
"Then we will leave Thursday morning. I will take care of everything. Thank you. This makes me very happy."
"You sure?"
"Very much. We will stay through the weekend. Drive back Monday. This is something look forward to, rather than thinking of our time apart."
"It sounds really fantastic Max. I wish we could talk more, but I need to go. I'm sorry."
"Don't be, I understand."
"When are you going home?"
"As soon as I can get a new flight. I want to leave today, as soon as possible actually."
"Try me please when you know? Text, whatever. Maybe when you get in we can Face Time. I will make the time. You are sure you are okay?"
"Yes. I promise. You have to go. I will absolutely text when I leave and we will FaceTime as soon as I am back in San Fran. Olive juice Benjamin."
"Olive juice love."
"Bye love.”
We both hang up. I stare at the phone for a long moment. I slide and lay down on the floor. I place my head on the cold tile, same as I was told I did last night. I continue to cry silently. I hold the phone tight to my chest. I hold it as I would hold Ben. This is the end. This is really going to be, ‘Bye love’.
Lifehouse, “Everything” plays in my heart as I hold my knees tight to my chest. I am the embryo, same as the child I lost. I need this moment to mourn, except now I am mourning a life still alive.
Chapter Fifty-Four
I don’t know how long I have been laying here. Long enough I hope for Nick to be worried. I needed this moment for me. I finally have the strength to stand again. I wipe my tears. I splash water on my face. This is it. The end. I now feel spite. I am going to take the money. I will not see a penny after today, but I am taking the money now. Ben and I will go on this trip. We are not going to think of money for even a second.
Then Nick's one breasted, broken freak is going to get her fake breasts removed. I am going to become one hundred percent me again. I am going to be what I need to be. I stand and hold onto the edges of the sink. I look at myself long and hard. I suppose I always knew this day would come. I never imagined it happening this way. This; here? Nick. This all needs to end. Finality. I leave to face him again.
Nick is still sitting at the table. He has not even touched his phone. It sits dark beside him. He is staring out the window. I rejoin him. I need more coffee. Perhaps the third mug will be a charm. My head still brutally hurts.
Nick looks to me. Sullen once again. "You were gone so long…Did you tell him?"
"I told him you lied last night. I didn't tell him anything else. I did not mention the book either. While he is at work, on a phone, neither of those are any ways to convey what he and I now have to face."
"Has there ever been anyone else for you? Your ex-husband? Have you ever really loved anyone else other than Ben?” Nick asks as he stares now into his coffee, not looking at me again.
I sit back and pull my legs up to my stomach. I hold my coffee close against me. "Nick. You know the truth to that. Please let's not do this?"
He raises his head back up toward me. His dark eyes look like night. There are tears in Nick's eyes. "You do not realize but this is the second time in twenty-four hours you have me crying. I do not cry Moe. I do not know what to feel. I have probably destroyed the only thing I ever really desired for you. The one thing I perhaps at one time, had a chance to have with you myself. I behave so selfishly when it comes to you. I have never taken enough time to know you, to understand you. I have made more assumptions about you, than I ever realized. I made assumptions even up to last night.
You said to me last night. If I truly loved you, I would have never done this. Someone who does what I did cannot possibly love you. Do you remember saying that to me?"
"No. I honestly do not remember all of last night. That alone frightens me. You telling me to read the book, saying you know all about Ben and me. I am too scared this morning to ask more. I remember the money though Nick. I want to take the money."
"You were always getting the money Moe. You were never leaving without it."
"It is that check only Nick. After today, I do not want a penny more of the profit of that book. Give the money away to charity. The check from last night, your “Bertha” is going to put it to good use. I am going to do some things I need. Ben and I are going to go away and enjoy being a couple one last time before I tell him all of this. I am going to need the memories we will make. See me through what I know in my heart will happen after. I know he is going to leave me. This is going to destroy him also.
Then, the freak of yours is going to fix the things she has held onto for control and vanity perhaps. I have been sacrificing physical pain I have not shared, ignoring even Ben’s request to have my breasts looked at. These fucken breasts have caused so much emotional pain from such a young age. The physical pain they now cause me is too much to bear as well. So you are going to finance me getting back to the place I only wish I had been at fifteen."
"I will give you more. Whatever you need. I will pay it all."
"I don't need more. There will be plenty. Wow, look at you? You know more now than Ben yet again. Nick wins again."
"That has never been my intention. It is not my intention now either."
"I no longer understand any of your intentions."
"Will you please answer my question?"
"I told you I don't remember all of last night. I am not lying about that. It is tormenting at this moment."
"No. That is not my question. Was there ever anyone else you loved? Have you ever been in love with anyone other than Ben?"
I try wrapping my robe to hide my exposed legs. It doesn’t work. The robe falls to each side of my thighs. I hold my ankles. I can’t do this again with him. What I do remember, is difficult enough, right now. What I can’t remember is killing me. My head feels a little clearer. Though there are so many gaps, I cannot recall. I rest my chin against my knees. Nick's question is pushing. I know he will not stop until I answer. I want to go home. If I give in to him, I can finally end this all, even if it is almost on his terms as always. I don’t want him to get satisfaction out of this, but it needs to be said.
"I loved you so very much. You Nick, I loved you very much. Was I “in love" with you, I definitely thought I was. My definition at the time was different than I have learned “being in love” really does mean. Regardless, I loved you, trusted and believed in you. I wanted more with you at one time than the friendship we shared. I wanted more than a lullaby, I wanted to wake up beside you. Except, I was never more than a joke in the end or a toy you played with until you became bored. What I felt for you was real. It was more relevant than the immature men I chose to fuck to fill voids. You, I wanted you to hold me. I wanted to hold you as well. You gave me hope.”
"That tattoo. Moe? How did I not realize that?"
"I can’t answer that for you. Nick it was so long ago. We are not the same people now."
"What about David?"
"What about David?"
"Did you marry him because of me?"
"Jesus. Nick please. We cannot keep going back an
d forth. You read my journals. Why do you need me to say these things to you?”
"Moe. None of this was in the journals I did take. I didn’t take them all. Nothing about me was in the ones I took. The only thing about David I read was when you first started dating and how easy it was because you never had to have sex with him. You knew he was gay, but he fit a mold. One you tried to change yourself to fit into."
"All right Nick you want the rest. Parts you still feel you are missing and need to know for I am not even sure I understand why anymore! Hello the book is done! Okay you want to know! Yes, part of the reason and I am specifically using the word PART I married David was because of you. You were the one I wanted beside me, not to save me, but believe in me that I could save myself! You had already left me. I gave up period on men, but not the fairytale! David fit the part and he wasn’t about sex! The sex part will that was both Ben and you. But let’s only talk about you as usual. Well, on the day of my bridal shower, a month before my huge wedding was set for; my maid of honor pulled me aside and begged me not to marry David. She said she hired someone to find you. It was almost funny. Like she thought I didn’t know exactly where you were. Me? I knew exactly where you were. I knew long before you ever told me, you married Liz after Dylan was born. Frankly, I was proud of you. I was even happy for you. A wife and a child. I wanted nothing more for you than to have all the love desired.
You found your life; you had a family already. Something, I was never going to be able to give you either. Most likely, give anyone! However, God Nick, since you still insist on pushing, let us talk about us before Liz and before David. Do you realize one of the reasons I dated the men I did was to make you jealous? I put myself in positions to get your attention. You never looked! Do you understand you never even looked? No, that is not true! You looked into me hundreds of times, but only for three minutes and thirty-two seconds.
"Just Like Heaven.” Nick turns his head to the window. I see the hurt. I am glad.
"Ding! We have a winner! Those were the only moments you saw me. Your breath against my neck, your arms wrapped around me, or when you stood so close with our foreheads touching and sang the lyrics to me. You always kissed my forehead in the end. The fucken world, my sad fucken life stopped every time Nick!"
"You were ‘drowned deep inside of me’. I was such a fool. I was always looking Moe. I had no idea how to show you. I was young and I had no idea how to handle it all. You were different. Madness. Desperate and then happy. I did not always understand. You cared so much, yet at times not all at because you looked like you would give up any second. I was protecting myself. Felt like I may lose you and I don’t mean physically beside me. Someone who cares never gives up. You. You didn’t make sense. I may have run, more than once, but I never gave up."
"I was, am crazy Nick! It isn’t simply a joke! I have a real illness! Not some bullshit, people claim to have because the act crazy! I have an illness Nick! It sucks, and I hate it! It is not fair and I wish it were anything, anything else in this world filled with sickness! You want to know why? There is shame and judgment associated with mental illness. No one! No one truly cares to understand! Oh, people think they do, but they don’t, not unless one seriously walks in the other shoes! You said you wrote all about it in that book. You can’t figure how to express it now? I was different. Really? You were many things back then Nick! You were so many the list is too long. They were not all bad, far from it! We were not meant to be with each other any longer than we were. We were never meant to be with one another differently, even if I had hoped for it so very much."
"Do you still put headphones on, get lost in music and write? I loved watching you do it. I have never seen anyone else get so lost. Lost in their passion like that."
I throw my legs down and stand quickly. I need my meds. Where is my pocketbook? He is not going to stop. I need to be medicated. I am not sure if I am feeling as I am because I could not have possibly taken my medications last night. I need to add a Xanax to my cocktail. Withdrawal can begin quickly. I need to steady myself. I search my purse and panic stirs as I push everything desperately.
"I know I packed my meds! Oh God. This all can’t get worse!"
Nick is beside me with my little red leather case. "Here Ben had me counting pills last night. I am sorry I neglected to put it back in. A lot was happening."
"It’s okay. Thank you.” I walk to the table, throwback everything I see I definitely could not have taken last night. Withdrawal is far from something I can even conceive of at this moment. I add the Xanax. I need to relax. My head, my nerves, all of it is too much. When I turn, Nick is sitting on the bed. He is a million miles away.
"The answer to your question, no Nick I do not do that any longer."
"You don't? Why not? It was like watching poetry in motion."
I put the glass of water down and head for the shower. I cannot do this a second longer. This is a whole other topic. I am ending this now. I need to get home. Nick and I are done. This ends now.
"Because Nick, I only write for work. I no longer write for me. I haven't in a very long time. That is my past."
"What? You can't be serious. Moe?"
I close the door behind me. I turn on the shower to a scorching temperature. He really did go through my bag. I see my clothes laid out on the side of the tub. I didn't even notice them earlier. Oh my God, he even put my shampoo, soap and razor in the shower. How is there a person more consumed with control than me? I leave the hotel robe on the hook outside the shower, climb out of my bra and panties. I step in standing headfirst directly under the showerhead. The bathroom door opens. Oh good Lord!
"No way! Moe! Why did you stop writing?"
"Nick! Get the fuck out! Boundaries Nick! Boundaries! Get! Out!"
"No! I have seen you close enough too naked. So, you have tits and vagina! Who cares! What is the difference?"
"Nick! Get out!"
"Fine! But this isn't over!"
"What is ever with you?"
He slams the door as he leaves. I let the water wash over my face, my hands press against the tiles of the shower. I cannot get home soon enough. What am I going home too? How much longer will it be home? What am I not remembering? I am going to have to read that book. Why? Why is this happening? This life been cruel enough.
A flicker of light like a candle on a birthday cake finally appeared. Happiness. My wish coming true. Then with one whisper of breath, it will be taken away. The wish, on a candle, on top of the cake does not come true. Nick blew it out to make his own wish come true.
I wash my body hard. I want to peel this skin away. Shed myself like a snake. The last time I washed myself like this, was when I was released from the hospital after the car accident. I have failed again. I hate Nick. We are not only parting ways yet again. This our final goodbye.
I finish my shower and dress quickly. I exit the bathroom. My wet hair brushed back, glasses on with fresh clothes, I feel clean. I need to pack my bag. I don’t even look in Nick’s direction. I begin gathering my things.
"I am going to catch a flight on standby. I need to go. It's time.” Seeing my clothes from last night wrapped in a plastic bag fills me with shame.
Nick is up quickly. I see him now jump from the couch. Anxious. "I overstepped again. Please stay the day. Ben is not home. I already cancelled all my meetings. Stay for a little while longer Moe. I will get you on a flight tonight. I promise. I will take you myself to the airport. Hell, I will you drive you back to San Francisco if you want. Please stay?"
"No Nick. I cannot keep going back and forth with you. Do you understand all that has happened? Nick my life is about to completely change. Everything I ever wanted… you are not understanding still! Here you are, apologizing repeatedly and then the next second you are again seeking to fill your ego with the knowledge you already know. Yes. I loved Nick Gallo, once upon a time. Then, you want to project again some stand over my life as to whether or not I should or should not write for me? Listen to
yourself! What I have a right to do or not do is my business! My choices! You do not get a say. You took enough "says". You need to disconnect. I am not sure how you are going to do this now. I am in that fucken book in black and white across those pages. In fact, you feel strongly my experiences are going to make you prosper. You said it yourself. You need to understand, I can no longer be a part of any of this, including you Nick. This is where we finally end. Maybe the truth for us, we will always be the ones who lived between the black and white lines. It was special Nick. God it was so special. I will never deny that, but it is not anymore. You can keep Bertha, but please let me go?"
"Are you going to be alright Moe?"
"Sure Nick. I’ve survived this long haven’t I?"
"Dance with me one last time?"
"What? We aren't nineteen anymore Nick."
"We may not be, but I know it will feel the same as if we were. Please Moe? Humor me? Let me say goodbye too."
"Will you let me go then Nick? Will you really let me go? End this here and now? No more Nick! No emails, no texts, no phone calls and no reading my work again."
"If that is honestly what you want and need. You have my word Mackenzie Ann Manale."
"Not sure what your word is worth anymore Nick."
Nick walks to his phone. I hear it power on. "I deserve that.”
Nick stops and picks up his leather jacket from the couch. He walks with it toward me with his arms open. He is finally smiling but with sadness, I can still see in his eyes. I know he is remorseful. He is not a bad person. Misguided. Not a bad person. I have deeply loved him. Part of me always will. Even if I will always deny it. I trusted him with all of me, at a time I trusted no one. This will all always be part of my truth. Yes, my story.
Truth is he loves me in some deeply distorted way. Twisted, truly, he does love me. Part of me begins to ache. That place way back in our minds where we hold precious memories. The depth of our hearts where we bury the parts of us we keep for those who have brought as much happiness as sorrow. Those exceptional people we cannot admit we will forever love, but in reality, there is no longer enough sense to withstand being a part of one another. This is Nick. He was never the one, but he was the most important one for times in my life I was so very lost and knew not how to stand. Times I really needed someone. Not only someone, I needed him.
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