"You have changed. I am not sure what to make of you."
"Me neither. Now get the fuck off me before I get hard because you are on my lap now smiling not only with your lips but also with your eyes. Crying no chance but that smile and those eyes so close to my face, I need to maintain my own boundaries and control."
I smile as I climb back beside him. I stay sideways and scoot back a little. "Let's eat! Put that platter between us, will you? Is that goat cheese? No! Fresh cranberries and fig jam. Oh my God I just died! How did you know? No wait, do not tell me."
"Actually I didn't. Hence the five other kinds of cheese and antipasto on this platter. However, I am glad I got it right." Nick hands me my wine.
"No more wine after this."
"I am aware. Please don't let me eat alone. I am always eating alone when I am with you."
Nick pops a luscious looking piece of fresh mozzarella in his mouth. I want that next. There is so much that looks incredible in front of me. Olives. Fruits. Brie. Peanut Butter and Jelly this is not.
I have to ask. "Where did you find this all?"
"Ray knew of the gourmet market right outside of LA. Place is incredible. I have a few dinners we can choose. Honestly, I didn't know what you like to eat, besides breakfast. Breakfast was always the meal we shared. Well except sushi nights in my room, the ones we actually skipped the clubs. Sushi I did not feel a good choice for today. Do you remember those nights we stayed in and I painted for you? That one time I transformed the back of one of your denim jackets into the sunset and ironically the ocean view. I told you we would run away there."
"Of course I do. I remember you and I very well. As for the sushi, good decision. I take it back I have not forgiven you for everything. You ruined sushi for me. To this day I cannot even look at it."
"Yes well, we have other choices. I am grateful you remember those moments Moe. Those were the only moments I had any clue how to show you your worth. Your beauty."
“I always knew how you saw me Nick. Neither one of us knew what to really do, we were so young. Neither one of us had even an inkling of understanding ourselves, much less truly one another. Deep down though, I always knew. Why do you think I always took you back? Come on eat some more, this is delicious. Look I am even eating!”
Nick bows his head, though I see him smile. I throw an olive at him. He is quick; he catches it with his hand and pops it in his mouth. He then grabs a few more. They are stuffed with roasted peppers and a hard Italian cheese. I myself am not even certain with what type. I am still focused on making little brie, cranberry sandwiches with crackers and small slices of the French bread smeared with fig jam and goat cheese. It is decadent. The wine could not be more perfectly suited for it. Sweet and tart. Cold and refreshing.
Suddenly I miss the ridiculous things I have consciously elected to eliminate from my life. I can live alone. Even a life of solitude. It does not mean I do not deserve to enjoy things I once did. Even something as silly as fig jam and goat cheese. Hell I used to love to bake. Why don't I bake?
"What are thinking about?"
"I am wondering why I no longer bake."
"Really? That is what is on your mind right now? Okay then." Nick sits up and pours himself another glass of wine. He pulls the chair across from us closer. He sits back, lifting his feet. "Do you mind?"
"No. But wow, thank you for asking."
"I am trying. I’m really trying." Nick continues eating. He is sticking with the Italian antipasto choices. The prosciutto, mozzarella and olives are all gone. He uses the bread to scoop mouthfuls of eggplant caponata.
"Nick what happened with Kelly?"
"I am not avoiding the topic. I would simply like to enjoy what I am eating rather than lose my appetite discussing it."
"Fair enough."
Nick motions to the ends of my deck on the right. "Is that a ladder over there? Does it lead down to the beach? Public or private?"
"Surprised you don’t know this already Dick Tracy. Yes, it does. A half mile in each direction is private."
"Really. Let's go skinny dipping tonight? Under the moon, it will be a first for me. Strictly platonic. I swear I will not lay a hand on you. I will not even look as you get in the water. Scouts honor."
"Scouts honor my ass."
"Well I didn't say I wouldn't look as you got out of the water, since you mentioned your ass."
"You’re such a dick." I throw a piece of bread at him.
"Come on, think about it. Honestly, I have never. I could use to feel completely free for even the briefest of moments."
I steal the last piece of mozzarella. One had rolled over to the grapes he didn’t notice. "I will consider it. Only because I enjoy the idea that there are many things I have done in my life that you have not. Nevertheless, I make no promises. But you may want to consider pouring me more wine, if you want the decision to sway in your direction."
"No, no more wine. That is certainly, not how I ever wish to sway your choices. Other than enjoying a fine bottle of wine or perhaps one cocktail I never wish to see intoxicated again."
"I am grateful I still do not recall that part."
"So am I. So am I Moe. It is nice sitting here and you not hating me. You aren't even flipping out that I am calling you Moe."
"Yes I am aware. It is something I am consciously working on."
Nick tips his glass toward me. I do the same. I savor the last few sips I have left. Two is my limit. I feel warm inside. The right amount. If I recall this is what breathing feels like.
Nick stands interrupting my thoughts. "Excuse me; the bathroom is calling my name. Can I bring you back anything?"
"No thank you. I am really not used to you being so polite and courteous."
"Work in progress. Conscious efforts my dear friend. Hope you don’t mind I am going to change. I am sweating out here! Is it alright if I leave my things in the bathroom?"
"Stop being ridiculous. Of course. Nick I can only take so much polite and courteous. Honestly, make yourself at home."
"Neither thought I would here that last statement. Wow. I'll be back." Nick finishes off his wine, grabbing another piece of Genoa salami and piece of bread before he dashes off. He manages to yell back with a mouth full. "I'm done eating if you are. I can't eat another bite now. I have more for us later."
Chapter Sixty-Two
With one hand, I take the glasses by their stems along with the platter back into the kitchen. I place the glasses in the sink. Rather than wrap the leftovers individually I cover the entire tray. Truth is my fridge is completely empty and quite huge for that matter. It could hold several of these platters. I wonder what could be in the tins. My eyes are more drawn to the cupcakes. My weakness. I want to steal a taste so bad. I maintain my control. I close the fridge. I place the glasses in the dishwasher. I turn and the aroma of the flowers catches my attention. I close my eyes and inhale them again. They are so lovely and pure. There is no deceit in their beauty or their scent. Simple purity. This is a perfect. Well done Ray.
I return outside and sit by the ladder. In the midst of this all, I still miss this spot today. There is a compulsion within me. I must sit here every day. Sit higher up, where the view of the ocean is infinity. The same view I saw in Ben’s eyes. I let the breeze from the ocean lift my skirt. There is no tiring of the site or aroma of the sea. A few moments later. I feel Nick plant himself behind me. He sits close, resting his legs on each side of mine. My skirt is blown up to up my thighs. I had not moved it while he was gone. Let the sun continue to darken them as I wait.
Nick pushes it down as he puts his arms around my waist. "Do you sit here often? You can see forever."
"Yes. I agree, that is exactly why I do every day."
"Is it alright I am sitting like this, with my arms around your waist? I am not trying to make a move on you. It solely feels nice being close to you. Close to my friend."
"Nick-"
"Okay, I am making you uncomfortable. Let’s go sit somewhere
else.”
"No. That is not it. I need to confess something. Before you hugged me, when you first arrived, it is the only intimate so to speak human contact I have had since the last time I saw Ben. Yes, my mother was here for my surgery. Obviously, I embraced her, but that is my mother. I was in her womb for goodness sake it’s different. Other than her, I have not allowed anyone to touch me. I have only allowed the slightest physical contact. The ones unavoidable. Someone braising my hand as I received change at the antique shops I drown myself at times. I have become obsessed in finding things, people once loved that are now abandoned. That is a whole other sadness we do not need to get into. Anyway, only other touch, the pedicure and waxing I still must have because of the obsessive-compulsive behavior that still stirs within me. Though even that, I only will allow one particular woman, it must always be the same woman. There is no intimacy with the necessary touch with either of those things. In literally six months, I have only felt the comfort of my mother’s arms and that was only for three weeks. That is why I began to shake. Human contact is now scary on any every level. I feel I no longer deserve it."
Nick pulls his arms back.
"No, please don't. Put them back. I forgot I was even human still, until you showed up at my door. Our banter with Ray made me smile. I had forgotten what that feels like also. I made certain there was no one left to be sarcastic with. I didn't know I needed you here. Nick I am grateful you are here. I am grateful you hugged me hello. My gratitude overflows as you held me and let me cry. I am grateful for the warmth of you around me. I am human. I need it."
"I wish I came sooner Max. I wanted too. So many times. I was afraid though. I was afraid today. Afraid you would slam the door in my face. I am grateful to be here with you. So very grateful. Max I need you to understand before another moment passes. I am not here because my marriage failed. We have not gotten into the details of it; however, I am not here for that reason. I need that to be very clear. Even my jokes, my inappropriate remarks I still need and will find more filters regarding. I can feel, see you are still in mourning. I am not here to feed off your loss. Your sadness. I am not here to pick up our pieces hoping to hold them in my own hands. I would never take advantage of your loss. I am not here to swoop in, in hopes you are so worn, you will finally consider me."
I grab his arms placing them tight around me. "I do not doubt your intentions. I believe you. We have always had a friendship no else understood. Let's simply enjoy this moment. Let's both be present. Being present is hard for me. Don’t let me go right now. It feels nice. I forgot how being held feels. I am glad it is you. As for the inappropriate comments, they are not so bad. Kind of nice being complimented even in your very twisted sexual manner."
"You were once twisted like me. Okay a lot more than me."
"Yes; I was. I wonder quite a bit lately where she went."
"Does this mean I can put your skirt back where it was before when I sat down? It was a lovely view."
"No not really. I realized only earlier when my skirt pulled on my hip, I am not wearing any panties either."
Nick pulls away again. "Jesus Moe!"
"I'm sorry I wasn't exactly expecting company! It is not my fault I am more comfortable this way!"
"Fuck that is it! I am done. I feel like a twelve-year-old boy.” Nick leans back. His palms face down on the deck. "Max I haven't been with anyone either in four and a half months. I threw myself into work after Kelly left. I put it all into work. You are not making this very easy."
"Seriously we are pretty funny, a bit pathetic if you think about it. Move back so I can go change." I try to get up.
"No. Do not be ridiculous. I am not twelve! I am grown man. I can control myself. Sit back down."
Chapter Sixty-Three
Nick sits back up and pulls me back into him. I truly cannot deny how nice it feels. His arms are strong. I never doubt how much he has always cared. At times, he simply has acted like a twelve-year-old boy. I am not an angel and I am undeniably so far from perfect. My flaws consisting overflow. I am lonely. I have been denying it for so long. Right this moment perhaps I am too weak to deny it a second longer.
"How about a walk on the beach? Fill you in on my last five months."
"Hhhm, as long as we walk and do not sit. Bad things happen when I stop, sit and talk on beaches."
"Come on how many times have you walked this beach in the past six months?"
"Thousands." I am nudged on my feet.
"Come on free bird, we will only walk. I promise. It is sad to waste such a magnificent day. Perhaps the sunshine can make my story seem a bit brighter."
I grab the center of my skirt; lift it enough to make our descent down the ladder without falling back on my ass. I adore the feeling of the sand between my toes. We are both down quickly. I stop to look at Nick. I had not even paid attention. He is wearing light yellow shorts and a white tee.
"I am not sure I have ever seen you in shorts. They suit you. I did not give you enough credit in LA. You have aged pretty damn well. You look stronger today than when we were in our twenties. I am honestly a bit envious."
"I am. Stronger that is. As for aging, well as you have noted, a bit less hair. Flattery though will get you everywhere with me. Thank you. Come on. Jesus, so much to talk about."
We walk side by side toward the water my eyes can’t help but follow how Nick moves. Confidant but with a sense of vulnerability that is new. His bicep catches my eye.
“Still strange seeing my words tattooed on your arm like that."
"Stranger seeing so many tattoos showing hints all over you. Your Phoenix, so vibrant it shows through the back of your tank. Strength. It serves you well."
"Seriously? I am not strong. I have been hiding for months now. I abandoned everything. I have not fought back during one manic episode or every feeling of depression I have succumbed to. I have displayed no strength since this all occurred. One could argue if I have ever been strong. I deny my reflection. Wish for constant change. Strength is acceptance. I lack that quality."
"You told Ben the truth. That was strength. Incredible strength Moe."
"Ah yes, and look at where that got me."
We walk silently for a while. Nick takes my hand. He clasps his fingers in mine. I allow it in. We continue on the edge of the water. It is cool yet inviting. The hem of my skirt is now soaked. The weight of it finally gets too heavy. We stop for a moment. I ring it out and tie it on one side in a knot to lift it higher. I take Nick's hand myself and begin to walk again. The breeze is soothing.
I begin to feel self-conscious of how I must look. Odd insecurity rises within me, as I feel aware of my many imperfections. Remarkable beauty surrounds us. I can't help but wonder how dreadful I must look in all its presence. I awkwardly care again about my appearance. I strangely care what Nick thinks. Even with all the compliments, he has given me.
Nick swings my arm gently back and forth. We have walked probably three quarters of a mile by now. He springs me from my thoughts. A light invades the darkness.
"So is walking the beach like this how you got these great legs you have now."
"The key to that sentence is “have now”! Legs have never been an attribute of mine. No. Truth. Not eating as we discussed is how I probably got the legs I have now."
"I will be feeding you again this evening; maybe you may begin to enjoy it once more. So, here we are. Ready to hear my story? Walking like this is nice also. Whichever you choose."
"It is very nice. I would like to know what happened. Your life is important also. This isn't the Max show."
"Where to begin? Let's see. I guess things began to set into motion when I returned from LA myself. I think the fact that I never called that night to say goodnight began the ball rolling. A motion, Kelly had full intentions of shooting at me. From what I understand though, she was going to wait until Sophia was three before pulling the pin from the grenade. Three years was her goal."
"Her goal?"
"Ye
s, her goal. You see, I am, well, was a good catch. Imagine that?"
I can't help but laugh for a moment.
"Thank you. I appreciate the ability to make you laugh at that thought."
"I'm sorry you know I don't mean anything by it. It is the way you said it. Please go on."
"We should probably turn around also."
He is right. We are pretty far away. Nothing is closed, much less locked up at the house. We should begin to head back. Nick twirls me around. Pulls me in close as we turn in the opposite direction. I am against his side. Close. His hand rests on my bare lower back. "Where was I? Ah, yes! I apparently am a very good catch."
He releases me, swing me again and we both smile. We begin to walk again.
"Accomplished. Stable. Quite wealthy, much to even my surprise. I already had children and have always been open regarding the importance in never swaying from the attention and love I give them. Hence, add to the list, devoted father. Athletic, Intelligent. My admiration and passion for writing, displays a love for the arts. Seems I was anxious too. Easy. I cannot argue. I fell hard and quick for her. Kelly was accomplished as well, though not wealthy. She adored her career. I was surprised myself when she took leave, to what I thought, permanently stay at home with Sophia. She certainly acted enamored. Fooled even me into believing she was deeply in love with me. Well, I suppose the truth does always come out."
"What truth?"
"Kelly wanted a child. I was never aware she had sought to adopt. She even went so far to seek a sperm donor. Until the moment, she realized as much as she did want children solely on her own. Her father meant a tremendous amount to her. She thought denying a child a real father would be unjust. So hence, I the stooge came into play. My credentials were much better to physically see and touch than the hundreds of donors she read on paper. I was a catch. Let us not forget once, I am a catch. Kelly was fully aware of my financial status.
What you do not know is I myself invested with my brother in law Ryan, when I barely had anything with Liz. He took both our savings and began flipping houses. I am not sure you know how lucrative that business can be.”
I Walked With Her Page 34