“Okay…” I put my hands behind my back and clasp them together so Ben does not see them shake.
Ben taps the book against his other hand. “I myself once walked with a woman very much like Bertha. Actually, it’s hard to distinguish between you and her. You are both extraordinary women. Both the epitome of self-sacrifice. The woman I once walked with was my rock and my smile. I brought this to you because it explains the same adversity I’ve seen you overcome. The undeniable strength I’ve admired but ran from when it was exactly then I should have embraced it. It also explains a similar madness and happiness I once knew in the you. My life is honestly boring, and incomplete without you. You and Bertha would make quite the pair. Reading all about her, made me realize how much I still needed to be a better man. I needed to learn forgiveness, same as she displayed herself. Please do not mistake Max, I needed to learn to forgive myself. Forget all of the money shit, I am talking about our real life Max. What happened between us all those years ago. What you sacrificed yourself in order to protect me from a truth, you were right, was the hardest moment in my life to face. I hurt you Max. I would never hurt you. Yet I did. In a way, no human being should ever be hurt. I have spent these past months finding a way to forgive myself. Self-reflection. Forgiveness. Truly learn the gift of sacrifice and gratitude. I could not come before you Max until I knew all of these things. Not only some of them.
Anyway, since I see her so similar to you, I took the chance and here I am now. I am hoping, you might sign the book for me? You know, just in case, you did have something to do with it. I promise I’ll never tell. We can keep it between us. I would be very grateful if you did. Maybe as you do, you can consider forgiving me?"
Ben holds out a pen. The sight of him before me. I forgave him so long ago. I have yet to forgive myself. Tears desperately stream like a waterfall seeking its ravine.
“Mr. G… Nick are you alright? Do you want a chair? You don’t look very well.” I can hear James and Nick whisper.
I still cannot bear to bring myself to turn away. Yesterday morning there was nothing. Now I am paralyzed with too much. This isn’t real. I can hear so acutely around me, but I am locked in this moment. There is no motion anywhere else. Voices though, everyone’s voice is deafening.
“Mr. G let me get you some water. Mr. G?”
“Ssshh James. It’s alright.”
“But Nick, do you-”
“I am fine. Please.”
“Mr. G what is going on?”
I can hear them. Everything stings. Hearing Nick’s reply makes me weak.
“What she has always only wanted. What she has always hoped for James.”
There is puzzlement in James voice, “But, I thought?”
Nick responds. “Doesn’t matter anymore my friend.”
Their whispers spiral. The sound is acute rushing through the blood pumping through my veins. My heart feels so heavy. I am holding my life once again in the palm of my hands. I am paralyzed.
Ben softly speaks. “Open it. Please Max.”
I look back up at Ben. His eyes have tears, same as mine. Doesn’t matter what Nick just said. This is my moment to let Ben go. Sign and say goodbye to him Max. You have a new life ahead of you. You can do this. We have all hurt so much already. You can sign this Max. You know he has found a new future. He is here because of my birthday and because he wants to be forgiven. So he can probably start his own new life. He is tying up our history, that is all. I need to let go. My twisted mind won’t quiet its storm within.
Again, Ben asks. “Max please…”
I finally leave his eyes. The oceans before me. The infinity that is breaking me. I open the cover slowly as the pen shakes in my hand. My heart drops. The pages are hollowed out. A black velvet box rests where pages once lay. I look back up at Ben. This is a delusion. This is all a delusion. Nick isn't even here. This can't all be real. I need to know if this is real. I immediately look back. Nick is now standing in the hallway. Silent. Watching. Watching all I asked such a short time ago, slip away. I am wrong? Oh my God, I am wrong about Ben before me. I am not wrong in what I see in Nicks eyes. God please help me.
I turn back. Ben’s eyes have traveled behind me also.
“Max, who is that?”
Chapter Eighty Four
Nick looks defeated. Ben is staring down at me now.
Oh God. This can’t all be happening. Why is this all happening at once. My voice shakes more as I reply. “It’s Nick. Nick came here also. My birthday…” My voice trails off. My mind keeps seeing the velvet box.
“Are you?” Ben’s face scrunches and he questions further. “Are you both together? Fuck! I shouldn’t have come.” Ben turns away, taking a few steps away. He stops, I can see his anger or frustration; I do not even know which. He then approaches me standing closer than before. The way he looks at me. I don’t want to break. I am frozen. “He has you doesn’t he? He finally has you?”
“Ben, no it is not what you are thinking. He came yesterday, I hadn’t even realized then that my birthday was today. He told me last night. He didn’t want me to be alone. He wanted it to be special.”
Ben runs his hands through his hair. In my hands still holds more my existence. One so questionable, once again. What I need to understand. “Ben you don’t understand.”
“What don’t I understand? Holy shit. Why didn’t I consider this? You didn’t answer what I asked Max. Please. Are you both together? A couple? Are you sleeping with him?” His voice suddenly grows five octaves louder.
He can’t be mad at me! I didn’t leave him.
“Ben, you have no right to ask me that. You never called! You never answered! Only the fucking deposits in my bank account that I never even wanted for the apartment we shared. Speaking of that apartment, maybe you should not be concerned with who I may have slept with. You have always been so good at being hypocritical.”
I still hold the book in my hands. Somehow I can’t let it go. I can’t give it back. Ben is pacing in front of me. I hear complete stillness behind me.
"Come on Ben? Why don’t you tell me all about the once precious enlightener of our lives? The beautiful Lindsey who saw straight through us. Well I know she got what she wanted in the end. Not only my story exposed, but you also."
"Lindsay? What? Jesus Christ Max, what the hell are you talking about?” He stops pacing and looks at me with the wildest look of confusion.
“You are really going to stand here, now after all this time and lie? ‘Oh I am here for your birthday Max, I am in every breath and lie to my face at the same time?’ I know about you and Lindsay. That didn’t take very long did it? Really no one else in the metropolis of San Francisco?”
“First Max, don’t throw stones at glasses houses. You want to discuss the man standing in your house right now? He certainly doesn’t have a car to leave. You think I didn’t just notice that? How long is he staying? Sleeping here? Sleeping with you! Second! No! There is no Lindsey and I!”
“Stop Ben, go ahead and tell me! You want to know about Nick? I will tell you anything you want, after you tell me! You left me, Ben! You left me! You have been trying to be a better man? You may have been looking for yourself but you found her too.”
“No Max! God how do you think any of this! How do you even know she is in my life? It is not what you are thinking.”
Then Ben stops. He is completely still. He stares at me, I see anger.
“It is Nick isn’t it? Did he tell you all this? I will fucken kill him.”
Ben looks over me and yells, “You hear that Nick I am going to fucken kill you!”
I know Nick has moved. I know there is no way he would have stood and watched any longer.
“He lied to you Max! It has always only been you! Max, I am her sponsor. Oh God, what have you thought all this time? It was the next step in the program. Oh my God! What you must have been feeling? As if I haven’t known how bad these months have already been!”
Ben takes the book from my hand
s and sets it down on my stoop beside him. He then places my hands in his. Oh God the feel of his hands. I feel weak. I no longer feel anger. I want to reach for him. I simply let my eyes look up at him. My tears have not stopped slipping from me.
“Max, I swear to God I am going to hurt him, but please listen to me. Me and you Max. I will get her a new sponsor before you blink your eyes again. Max, I have never slept with her, I have never even kissed her.”
He stops and runs his hand through his hair and back down over his face. I can see he is trying to calm his anger also. I stay still. He looks over my shoulder again. I know he is looking for Nick. I am struggling to focus. I don’t know what to say or do. Ben the continues.
“Jesus Christ! Max! I have not been with anyone else. I won't lie, I wept many times with her. She did see us that night Max. Part of her did understand. I can’t lie she has helped me too. Some ways she was my sponsor. God the nights before I would go away, the nights that were always ours. Those nights were the hardest. I wanted a drink so bad. I scared myself. She would stay over. She stayed on the couch. She was only there to stop me from myself. I couldn’t forgive myself. I needed to forgive myself before I could ever ask for your forgiveness. I am so sorry it has taken so long. Max please! I love you. Life isn’t much of a life without sharing it with you. I believe in you Max. You are my faith. My strength. My dream. My hope.”
I hear steps and a glass smash behind me. Still, I do not move. I hear Nick’s voice faint and low in the background whisper to a scream. Something about how he is going to kill the fucking door man. Mumbling further, he hurt me again. Then I hear another glass shatter. This time it is clear. I hear his whisper as though it were a scream. “Hope.”
“Max, tell me. Are you with him? Am I too late?”
“Ben, I don’t know what to say.” I begin weeping. “Ben you don’t understand.”
“Are you in love with him Max?”
I have to move. I have to see where Nick is. I do not want to hurt him. I know he has not done anything again to hurt me. I am going to hurt him. Still holding Ben’s hands, I turn my head searching for him. He now stands in the hallway at the edge of the kitchen. There is wrath I can see running through him realizing the information he learned was so wrong. I also a selfless sorrow. When I search his eyes, he finds mine.
Nick raises his chin and speaks. “Tell him the truth Max. Tell him the truth who you are in love with.”
I am looking at Nick with sorrow and gratitude. I am lost with what I feel more. If Nick had not returned I would not even be open to feel again. I would not have found my smile. I would not have found myself again. I would not be put back together again. I see three tears run down Nick's face. I am weeping uncontrollably. Sounds coming out of me, all my years of sadness I have never heard such tears leave me. I turn back to Ben.
“No. I’m not. I am in love with you. It’s always only been you.”
Chapter Eighty Five
I bow my head away. I can’t face either of them. My heart is breaking in a million pieces. “Oh God Max. I don’t want to but I think I understand you both. Max, Fuck! I don’t blame you. Please don’t tell me anymore though. I don’t think I can bear it. Even if I probably deserve the pain of knowing.”
My body just heaves up and down as continue to cry. Ben let’s go of my hands.
“Max you need to finish understanding what is inside the book.”
Ben reaches down and picks it up and puts it back in my hands. All I can do is look up at him.
“Take it please Max.”
I take it in my hands as I watch Ben get down on one knee. My heart stops. I am shaking harder than any panic attack I have ever experienced. Except I feel no panic. He is on bended knee? In front of me? For me?
Ben takes the small velvet box from within the hard book cover and closes the book. He smiles at me with moist eyes. He opens the jewelry box. I see an antique round diamond ring. He then holds it between his fingers along with a folded paper that I see now sat beneath the velvet box. Ben softly reaches for my hand. I weep more silently. The feel of his hand again wrapped around mine. The hands I see every night in my sleep. My God, the feel of his hand touching mine again. My weeping turns to silent sobs. Sadness, happiness, nervousness, distraught, thrill and fear all escape from deep within me. My nose is running, my chest heaving so heavy, up and down. Ben hands me the paper resting beneath the most beautiful ring I have ever laid eyes on.
“Read it. Please; I do not deserve it but please. All I can do is hope there is still some chance for us.”
I cannot speak. I put the book down and take the paper from his fingers. I unfold it. All I can do is grab my hand across my mouth. I never thought it possible. All the times I have cried in my lifetime shall never equate to this moment. There is a picture of a young woman along with an entire bio of herself. It includes all of her requests for the parents she would like to raise the unborn child she is carrying. Her due date, May 9, 2015. All this information compiled on The Kentfield Private Adoption Agency letterhead.
I hear Ben begin to speak. I have to force myself to look at him. "Mackenzie Ann Manale. I am a very flawed man knelt before you humbled by your beauty. The inner beauty and strength that I have never known a hundred men and women combined who compare to you alone. I have loved you since the day I laid eyes on you. I have broken you in ways no human should be broken. I do also know in my heart; I have loved you a thousand times more than the amount I’ve hurt you. I miss your smile. I miss laughing beside you. I miss your sarcasm and I don't want to live a life without your banter. I miss your eyes where I see my infinity. The place I find my forever. I don't want to wake up another morning, live another second without you beside me. I cannot promise it will be easy. I can promise you right this moment I will only rest when you rest. I will protect you. I will die before I ever hurt you again. I will show you sunrises and sunsets. It is both we need to start being grateful for. We need new mornings as much as we need days to end. I will honor you. I hope to share and raise this child with you. This young woman I am so grateful to have found. I have been searching for someone such as her since the day I walked down that beach. It is because of the book, she chose us, Max. Because of the book, this young woman wants you to be this child’s mother. She read the book. She mentioned again and again through the agency. She wanted Bertha. She wanted a woman like Bertha to raise her daughter. I wrote her our entire story Max. I told her through letters, you were Bertha. I told her everything about you. Somehow her story made its way to me. Your story Max brought her choice back to us. It’s all a part of our story now Max."
Tears slide one after the other down Ben's cheeks. "Max I love you more than there are words I can combine with twenty-six letters. I love every part of you. I love you for your weakness as much as I love your strengths. I promise to be here every moment you need a place to rest your mind or lean your body. I will never leave you, ever again. Forgive me Max. I did not leave because of you. I left to find me. I did it all so very wrong. Mackenzie Ann Manale, please find it in your heart to forgive me? Forgive me, this one more time and I promise it shall forever be the last time you shall need too. You are my heart Max. My soul. Will you marry me? Will you be my wife and we raise a family together? This little baby girl needs us. She needs you Max. I need you. I love you. Will you marry me Max?"
I immediately leave Ben’s eyes and look back. Nick is still standing there, leaning against the wall. His head is bowed, though he must feel me too. He looks up at me and he smiles. We understand one another. I am so scared yet so overjoyed. I do not know of such a moment in life. I do not know how to act. I turn back. I try for the first time in forty years to simply be, me.
My words shake as they leave my lips. "Yes. Oh God yes, yes I will marry you. Ben, I love you.” My body has not stopped shaking. “Ben, all I ask of you, please, please no more yesterday’s. I beg of you. Our life begins today?"
Ben places the ring on my finger. He lifts me off my feet ki
ssing me like the first night we met twenty-two years ago. I feel his tears cross mine as he leaves my lips hugging me tighter than I have ever felt.
"No more yesterdays. Never again Max. Olive juice Max. Oh God you have no idea how much I have missed you. We are going to make it Max. I promise you."
“Olive juice.” I whisper in his ear.
Ben swings me around. I catch Nick's eyes. He places a kiss on his fingers and blows it in my direction. With that he turns and walks quickly toward the kitchen.
I try to smile back, but his back is to me before it fills my face. Ben puts me down. I wipe my face and I hear Nick now. He is back and walking toward us. I see James crying with his head peeking around from the kitchen. I sniffle myself. I really do like him. I can see the glass is cleaned up but I don’t see Rick anywhere. I look at Nick. I want so much for him not to feel hurt.
He is my best friend. I need him in my life also. I desperately need him also. Ben is my heart and my soul, but Nick is the eyes I need forced open when I wish them closed. I have walked with them both. I need them both to walk ahead with me still.
Nick smiles at us. I can see there is more beneath his smile but he will not let on. Nick looks at Ben. "This is different than I imagined us meeting. Whether you feel I deserve to be fucken killed or not, please let me talk first. I would never do anything to hurt her also. I am sorry what I found out was wrong. Believe me I will be handling that. But that is not your concern. What I want you both to know, perhaps before I do fucken get killed by you both, I am not certain. I'm happy for you.” Nick takes my hand and shakes it up and down. Same as he did on the beach. I can see he is holding in more emotions himself. “I am truly happy in some insane way for you both. I did tell you Moe, today was going to be memorable. Fuck, Moe. A child?” Now I see a tear escape his eye. “Jesus Christ Moe, there is no greater gift in this life. You will be the most incredible mother.” He is now looking at me. He stops swinging our hands. He is serious in the look he gives me as he continues. “You know the balance you believe you sacrifice for someone unknown? She is now your ‘unknown’. The one who will have every dream come true, health and happiness. It will be your little girl. You will witness it all. And the best part Moe, you will feel it all with her.”
I Walked With Her Page 47