And because he’d been an idiot and said she could stay with him, they would be alone. Often. He, apparently, had a need for pain and tension, because having her stay with him and his wolf without being able to do anything about it would be akin to torture.
“We’ll figure it out,” Brie said softly from the other sofa. She sat next to her mate with Walker on her other side. Both men had subtle looks of doubt on their faces, and Ryder hoped Leah couldn’t read that.
Gideon ran a hand over his face. “We need to meet with the Coven.”
Brandon cleared his throat, a frown on his face. “We have a meeting in four days. It’s our first one with the Redwood and Talon group.”
“I should be there,” Gideon added.
Ryder shook his head. “No, you shouldn’t. Remember, they’re the ones that summoned you. We can’t let you show up as Alpha and make them think that is an acceptable way to act toward wolves. While we’re on the verge of war and change with the humans, we can’t forget that we’re in a political dance with the Coven, as well.”
Gideon let out a breath. “I hate that. But that’s why we have an Heir,” he said with a snort. “You’ll be my voice?”
Ryder met his brother’s, his Alpha’s, gaze. “Always.” Always the Alpha’s voice. Never his own. That was his duty as Heir.
You’re nothing. You’ll fuck it up like everything. The witches will war. The humans will revolt. You’ll drown in the blood of your people like the bastard pup you are.
Again, he ignored the voice. He had to if he wanted to survive.
But do you want to survive? Wouldn’t it be easier if you let it all go? They don’t need you. They never did.
Leah put her hand on his knee and he looked down into her dark blue eyes. “Ryder?”
He took a deep breath and tried to look normal. It was how he’d made it this long. It was how he would now.
“We’ll meet with the Coven and try to come up with a plan,” Ryder said finally. “The witches are in the public eye now, and as you can see, they’re lumping them together with us. We don’t know what Washington’s plan is, but we heard what the Senator said in his broadcast, remember? He told the humans to stand together on the other side of the invisible line we hadn’t wanted to form. He made it us against them. We need to keep informed. None of us want bloodshed, and to try and prevent that, we’ll need to ensure that we’re communicating with the others.”
Gideon nodded and ran a hand through his beard before tangling his fingers with Brie’s. “Parker is out with the other Packs around the country. We’re staying in communication with them, but it’s hard to keep everyone’s priorities in line with so much history.”
Parker was a Redwood wolf who had been born a Talon wolf and was now on a journey to each Pack around the country. It might have been easier to meet along digital lines with each Alpha, but centuries of tradition had to be accounted for. The Brentwoods themselves were each over a century old and had a certain way of doing things. He and his family may have acclimated to the changing of the times far easier than most, but not all wolves had. Eventually, each Alpha would have to meet to come up with a joint plan, as every wolf was part of this, not just the Talons and Redwoods. Though because of where the Unveiling had occurred, it was the Talons and Redwoods that were in the public eye. The other Packs were still in hiding, for now, but Ryder knew that wouldn’t be for long. There was only so much magic and warding available before those looking for the supernatural in earnest found it.
“We’re not going to figure it all out sitting in Walker’s living room,” Brie said softly. “It’s not as easy as making a plan on our own and trying to stick to it. We don’t know what the humans have planned, and we don’t know what the witches truly want.” She met Leah’s gaze. “We’ll try to find out, though. You said you weren’t theirs; so you can be ours for as long as you need to be.”
Ryder swallowed hard at Brie’s open nature. If Leah were to remain, it would make it that much harder to push her away. He couldn’t mate her, no matter what fate said. And he knew the only way to ensure Leah was safe was for him to tell her everything. Perhaps not everything, but enough so she knew there would be no future between them.
It was the only way.
Even if it hurt.
And again, he needed to get his head out of his ass and stop worrying about his own problems. There were wars, meetings, plans, people’s lives, and other worries to focus on. Not his own doomed future.
“I…thank you,” Leah whispered. “I’m not usually this…frazzled? I guess that’s the word for it.”
“You were just shot and have been through a horrible ordeal,” Brie said softly. “You’re allowed to be frazzled.”
Ryder’s wolf scraped at him again, and this time, he knew he’d pushed the wolf too far. He’d have to get through the next steps with Leah, and then he’d go on a run. He needed to let his wolf out, let his wolf breathe. He might have control, but it was on a weathered leash.
“I think it’s time I show Leah where she’ll be staying for as long as she needs,” Ryder blurted. “It’s been a long day.”
Brie nodded at him with understanding—maybe a little too much understanding. As much as Ryder loved the fact that his family was close, sometimes, they saw more than he wanted them to. Add in the fact that they were wolves and there was no hiding scents and muttered curses… Ryder knew it was time to go.
“We’ll see you soon,” Brie said. “Do you need anything to eat? We can send something over.”
Ryder shook his head as he stood, bringing Leah with him. “I have provisions, but thank you, little sister.” He winked at her, though he didn’t feel as jovial as he tried to appear. His head hurt, his heart hurt, and frankly, his soul hurt. And he hadn’t done anything to warrant it. Yet.
He nodded at his brothers as Leah tucked her hand into his. He didn’t freeze, but it was close. They’d sat together, he’d held her to his side, and yet, with her tiny hand in his, his heart stopped. Just a simple touch, one that would mean nothing to some, made his wolf hope for more. But he knew it wouldn’t happen. Again, enough with that.
As he turned with his hand over Leah’s, Brandon took a step forward. The warmth of Brandon’s powers, so inherent to his brother that Ryder knew sometimes Brandon couldn’t control it—even if he wanted to—brushed his skin.
Brandon could take in deep emotions, wash away part of the sadness, help the happiness grow, or entrench himself in one’s agony so the sufferer wasn’t alone. Yet, each time, it came with a price.
A price Ryder wasn’t willing to pay. Nor would he let Brandon pay it, as his little brother always had in the past. Holding the weight of the emotions of a Pack in turmoil was more than one wolf could take. Yet Brandon was forced to do it. Just as Ryder was forced to speak for his Alpha, his Pack, and never for himself.
Leah wasn’t Pack, so she wouldn’t feel what Brandon was trying to do, but Ryder did.
“Stop.”
One word, and Brandon’s face went blank. Ryder didn’t know what it meant, but he didn’t have the energy to deal. Instead, he squeezed Leah’s hand and led her outside and in the direction of his place. He picked up her small bag on the way, knowing it was most likely all she had in the world. While he knew his life wasn’t perfect, at least he had his family and Pack to lean on in times of sorrow.
Leah had no one.
No one but him.
And yet he couldn’t give her what she needed.
“I can’t believe the world knows,” Leah said softly as they walked through the den toward his place. He wasn’t far from Walker’s so they didn’t need to drive, but it was long enough that the cooling weather relieved his too-warm skin.
“It came as a bit of a shock when we were outed, as well,” Ryder replied. “Though I don’t know how much longer we could have realistically stayed hidden.”
“I know. Everyone is watched. The world is under a digital microscope, and yet the moon goddess protected all of us
for centuries. It seems feeble that people with a different agenda were the ones to reveal us.”
He squeezed her hand again; aware that the Packmates who watched them walk past were curious. Ryder didn’t normally walk with a woman down the center of the den. He wasn’t a monk, but it had been a while since he’d paid any attention to a member of the opposite sex. Not only did he have to be careful because of his rank in the Pack and the fact that he’d never wanted his wolf to find his mate, but he also had the voices to battle.
Things weren’t always as clear as some would like.
His wolf howled at him, wanting to claim Leah and call it a day. Ryder wanted to simultaneously run away and bring her into his arms. If things were going to work out, if he were going to help her survive and figure out the witch problem, he needed to lay out the issues. He needed to tell her what his wolf wanted, and at least part of why they couldn’t be together.
Hell.
He opened his front door and let her enter first. As he closed the door behind him, he ignored the curious glances aimed his way from the people outside. He’d deal with those later.
They made their way into the kitchen, and he pulled out a couple of glasses for water. He’d need to feed them eventually, and probably show her around, but first, he needed to figure out what to do with his hands.
“I don’t know how I ended up here.” Leah let out a frustrated breath. “I feel like I’m walking through a fog and I can’t find my way out. One minute, I’m running for my life; the next, I’m somehow living with a man I don’t know.” She met Ryder’s gaze. “Why am I here, Ryder? Why do I feel this pull to you? Is it magic? Because it’s not my magic.”
Ryder ran a hand through his hair. There was only one way to do this. Either way, it would hurt, but putting it out there clear and concise would make it easier. At least, he hoped.
“We’re mates.”
Her eyes widened fractionally. “I had guessed that.” She tilted her head, looking so much like a wolf it surprised him. “And yet, you don’t sound happy about it.”
She’d guessed? Well, he supposed that made sense. Witches grew up learning the stories of mates and wolves.
“The moon goddess blessed wolves with the ability to form a mating bond. With that bond comes an understanding of true harmony. Your soul will literally be touching another through that bond. Sometimes, the mating urge comes as quick as an intake of breath and it’s mating at first sight. Sometimes, it takes years for the wolf to trust enough to sense an ability to mate. Through a mating bond comes connection…but not love. That comes from the human half.”
She shook her head then leaned against the counter. “So you’re saying your wolf wants me.” She met his gaze. “But the human half doesn’t.”
His chest ached, but he didn’t nod, nor did he shake his head. “I didn’t say that.”
“No, but you’re not truly explaining yourself either. I don’t know you, Ryder. And you don’t know me. It’s okay that you don’t love me. I mean, I think this is our first true conversation without anyone around. It’s not like we’re in a fairy tale with hearts and stars in our eyes. I don’t love you. I don’t even know you.”
He didn’t know why that annoyed him, but he wasn’t going to think about it. He needed to get his point across and finish his explanation.
“In a wolf’s long lifetime, they can find more than one potential mate. But never once the bond is in place. So, if for some reason, the first person they find doesn’t work out or they find themselves friends rather than mates, they can find true mates later. Or, if the worst happens and a mate dies, they can mate again.” He thought of the darkness in another’s eyes, thought of the secrets that person held, but pushed that away. Those secrets would be revealed later. They had to, or that person would fade away into an eternity of pain.
Again, he needed to move past the thoughts in his head and work on the words that wouldn’t seem to come.
“Do you have another mate in mind?” she asked, her voice emotionless.
He cursed. “No. I don’t have any mate in mind. That’s the point.”
Her eyes widened again. “So, that means what?”
He took a step forward and put his hand out, only to let it fall. “My wolf wants you, but the man can’t have you.” Won’t. “So, even though the mating urge will ride hard, know you’re safe from me. There will be nothing between us but friendship. If that’s what you want. Or, if you’d prefer nothing, then you can stay with one of my siblings. They will keep you safe while you heal and decide what your plan is.”
She studied his face, and he’d have given the world to have the power to hear her thoughts. His wolf raged inside, screaming at him to take the words back. His wolf didn’t understand. He never did. He didn’t know why the flipside of Ryder’s powers was so horrible. He only saw the woman in front of them, the one woman for them. The wolf only saw rejection from the human it was supposed to trust with everything it had, not the full extent of the agony Ryder felt.
And yet, Ryder felt what the wolf did, so all in all, his world was ending deep inside the cavernous depths of his soul. But he had to remain stoic.
He couldn’t tell her that he was saving her from a life of anguish and a grey existence. He couldn’t tell her because he’d never told a soul why he was the quiet one. He’d never told his family why he was the one to curl into himself when he should have been the one to stand proudly beside his Alpha.
“I can’t think about this, Ryder. It’s too much. I know you had to get it off your chest, but that’s all it can be right now.”
She raised her chin.
“You may not want to tell me why you feel that you can’t have a mate right now. Maybe someday you will. And maybe one day when I’m not grieving and freaking the fuck out over my life, I’ll listen. But for now, I just want to go to bed. Can I do that? Can I just sleep? Maybe I’ll wake up and it’ll all be a dream.”
“We can do that,” he said after a tense moment. “I didn’t mean to make your burden worse than it already is.”
She shook her head and held up her hand. “I get it. If you hadn’t explained, I’d honestly just be thinking about what the magic within me wants. I’m going to stay here, though, rather than go somewhere else. I might not know what to do with the magic that flows through my veins every day, but I trust the way it helps me know what choices to make. So I want to stay here. I feel safe with you. Even if I don’t understand why.”
His wolf scraped the inside of his skin, this time leaving jagged marks along his body. He needed to shift. Now. Yet the fact that she trusted him calmed him enough to know he’d be able to make it to the edge of the woods rather than shift in front of her.
“I’ll show you to your room,” he said woodenly.
She followed him to the back of the house and stayed silent as he showed her around the guest room and bathroom. There was a stack of clothes on the bed that smelled of Brynn, and he couldn’t help but think that his sister saw far too much. All the Brentwoods did.
He let out a shaky breath as his claws slid through the skin on his fingertips.
Time was up.
“I need to go on a run,” he growled out.
She turned on her heel and stared at him. Whatever she saw didn’t scare her openly, but he knew if he didn’t get out of there fast, he couldn’t be responsible for his actions.
“Go,” she said simply.
“I’ll turn on the security panel for you. When I get back, I’ll get your handscan turned in so you can come and go as you please.” Sweat beaded on his brow and he dug his claws into his skin, the slight sting of pain relieving his wolf ever so slightly.
He nodded at her, refusing to touch her, though his wolf demanded it, and walked as quickly as he could out of his house and toward the woods. He couldn’t let the others know how close to the edge he was. He couldn’t let them down. If they saw him now, they’d lose their faith in his abilities to protect them. And at a time where they needed all
the faith they could get, his breakdown would be disastrous.
When he reached his secret part of the woods where the trees gathered to form a sort of glen, he fell to his knees. He clawed off his clothes, too far gone to save them. He’d have to go home as wolf, but he couldn’t care right then.
He pulled on the thread that connected wolf to man and let the change come. Each wolf changed differently, the pain coming in waves for some, warm agony for others.
For him, it was torture—depravity and chaos each time.
It didn’t ease as he aged, didn’t lessen with practice.
Instead, he screamed inwardly as bones broke, tendons tore, and his skin flayed itself over and over. His body became sweat-slick, and he emptied his stomach until it became dry heaves. Usually, he shifted enough and controlled his wolf with enough strength that he didn’t show the others his pain.
But when he fought his wolf like this he couldn’t hold back.
When he was finally wolf, his body ached and his joints felt as if they’d been glued together wrong. He threw back his head and howled, knowing the others would hear his song, but hopefully not register the meaning behind it.
He’d run through the woods, let the wind and magic of his den flow through his fur and allow his wolf to mourn the loss of what they could never have.
Ryder had been born with the secret darkness of a long-lost tradition and had kept it close to his heart all this time. He’d known he’d have to break his soul and wolf when he finally met the one woman who could be his, but he hadn’t known it would hurt like this.
He’d lost his future before he’d even had a chance to venture on the path. And yet, it was for the best. It had to be. Because if it weren’t, all of this was for nothing. And with the world’s foundation crumbling beneath their feet, he couldn’t afford to wallow in the pity of his decisions. He’d have to move on and show the world—and Leah—he was strong.
It was just another lie in a sea of many. But he would do it. For her. For him. For everyone.
STRATEGY
Mated in Mist Page 5