“… and something inside us knew she had to be free, so it’s what we did, we set her free…”.
His tears fell.
Soon Police cars surrounded them, their lights flashed brightly as an officer reached for his radio. And shortly, an ambulance arrived.
19
Lost Hope
Where have you gone to, my love, my own
I wait and I wait an eternity for a sign,
somewhere somehow
Of your return home
Here where my heart is
Why have you left me
To face the days alone
when each day is a lifetime
without you with me
I find no comfort here in a world
Without you
Love remember me
And return to me now
And make my heart anew
Unable to accept Ronda’s death, Dale pushed it aside along with his feelings. Since that sorrowful day he hadn’t shed another tear. At her burial he stood solemnly with arms at his side, and not a tear fell from his eyes.
Drinking heavily to aid in numbing the sorrow he carried deep within, he saw nothing good in life. Nothing held value or meaning. And unable to express the pain he was feeling over the loss of the only woman he ever truly loved, they manifested in feelings of contempt and anger aimed at everyone and everything.
Professor Bierce no longer recognized the man that was his son. In his place was a stranger. A man who was reckless and lashed out at the world as if the world was to blame. He felt his sorrow, and knew his pain. Knowing that each day Dale didn’t come to terms with it was another day he died a little inside. Never realizing that no one knew better than Dale himself, that he was nothing more than a ghost, disconnected from everything and everyone he encountered. Every day was empty. The sunniest day was dark and gray because this is how he was inside, and so was the world reflected back at him. The darkness was so deep that it seemed there was no getting past it.
Late one evening as Dale and the Professor ate dinner while discussing issues pertaining to “Raai labs,” Dale having consumed more alcohol than he did food (which was the norm these days) without provocation snapped at the cook as she served them coffee. Throwing his cup against the fireplace and yelling profanities.
“Enough Dale!” Professor Bierce shouted angrily. “I won’t allow you to come into this house and verbally attack someone who deserves nothing less than your respect.
“Of course father, always championing others. Doesn’t it ever get tiring?” Dale said. “Maynard was right. You could never go farther with your research. Caring so much as you do about others. There’s a word for men like you. They’re called fools.”
“Do you even hear yourself Dale? What good does it do you to belittle me, or lash out at others? All it does is keep you in this cycle of contempt.”And softening his tone, he said, “Trust me son, I understand where your feelings of contempt are coming from. And who it’s directed at. It’s not me, or anyone else you can point to and wish to blame. Remember, I lost your mother, and you’re brother. You hate yourself for being alive, while she’s no more. So you punish yourself. Well I can’t sit back and watch you do this to yourself any longer, and hurt the people around you in the process. You must allow yourself to move on. Not dealing with it is destroying you. Surely you see that. You have to stop punishing yourself.”
“I remember. Do you know, I believed it was my fault.”
“What?” The Professor asked, confused.
“I remember — when Jimmy died. You became distant. Engrossed in your research. For a long time I thought you blamed me. Mom was my safe place. And after she died, I could sense, sometimes, you couldn’t even look at me.”
“No Dale. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I blame myself — everyday. I never once felt you were to blame. You were a child. I was supposed to protect you. You and your brother both. And I knew somehow I failed. So like you, I did whatever I had to not to face the pain and guilt.”
“But you were no more to blame than I was.”
“It took me a long while before I could accept that.”
How did you get through it?” Dale asked, weary of the pain. “How were you able to get past it and live again— how?” Dale asked, anguish in his voice.
“You— I still had you. You were the only joy left in my life. Truth be told — you saved me.”
It had been along time since Dale had taken heed of his fathers words. But he listened, and he heard. Feeling tired and weary he held his head in his hands as he sat in front of the fire. His missing Ronda was palpable, like a hole in his chest. An inexplicable hurt.
“How can I accept it? I don’t know how to live without her. I don’t know where to start.”
“You have no choice son. One thing is certain, not allowing yourself to grieve is taking its toll.” he said, understanding his pain.
Hearing the truth, Dale wanted more than anything to move past the pain that was eating him up. Something inside him wanted to live again. Then suddenly, like a river with no control over which way the currents flow, all the grief he was holding inside came rushing out as he covered his face with his hands and finally cried. Allowing the tears to flow freely as Professor Bierce stood by his side and watched his son finally begin to accept that Ronda, was gone.
It was not long after that night when he first began to come to terms with Ronda’s death, that he left for Europe. For his own sake he had to get away from “Raai labs.” and anything that reminded him of Ronda. But first to aid in his healing he stopped where she was laid to rest. He knelled and lay a bouquet of roses over her grave. Raising his head he spotted something beneath some flowers closer near the headstone. He picked it up. It was a picture of young girl around eight or nine sitting on top of a horse wearing a stetson that was obviously to big for her small head. Behind her was an open field. She was smiling happily. He remembered Ronda’s dream. The one that evoked feelings of happiness. Turning the picture over was another picture taped to it. He pulled them apart to see a young women with long auburn hair and large brown green eyes. Obviously an older version of the young girl. He turned the picture over and it read, “Sarah Ronda Holloway.” He smiled as his eyes weld with tears, then he slowly placed the pictures back on the headstone. He knew she was at peace, and that’s all that mattered. As he stood up, he could hear her say,
“If I died tomorrow I wouldn’t leave you.” A tear streamed down his face before he reached up and caught it with the back of his sleeve. And with a quick short stroke wiped it away. He looked up into the clear blue sky and taking a deep breath he sighed. Then he turned, and walked away.
20
Starting Over (new beginnings)
I chanced a glimpse of you today
In the eyes of someone new
The turn of your head just so
Your laugh, your smile
The words they, you spoke
Though it wasn’t you
I could swear you looked at me
Through the eyes of a stranger
For you looked at me that way
Many times before
I chanced a glimpse of you today
Behind the eyes of a stranger
Time passed, and he didn’t know when it happened, but he was living again. No longer a ghost disconnected from everyone and everything. But still not a day passed that Ronda didn’t enter his mind, if even only for a second.
Jake had returned to his hometown in Texas, where Ronda was laid to rest next to her mother. He visited their grave site almost daily. And on occasion when he traveled to New York, he and the Professor would meet up over dinner and a game of cards. Till the Professor became ill, contracting pneumonia again, suffering respiratory complications. Jake was there by his side, every day. It wasn’t long after, Dale received a call from Jake informing him of his father’s passing.
A year had already come and gone when Dale got the news, and returned home. At the Pro
fessors funeral services Jake recited a heartfelt eulogy, and after, he walked up to Dale and handed him a small black box.
“Not only have you inherited “Raai labs,” but you’ve inherited the means to something great.” he said. Opening the box Dale frowned at the small data chip. “He wanted you to have it. Jake said. It’s up to you to do with it what you will.” Suddenly the scent of citrus and floral’s wafted in the breeze. He lifted his head and looked around at the crowd of people. A sudden chill came over him. He could feel a presence. Her presence. He shook himself. “Perhaps” he thought to himself, “I came home too soon.”
“Are you alright?“ Jake asked.
“Yeah I’m fine.” Dale replied, closing the box and placing it in his pocket.
Only days after the funeral Dale resumed his position at “Rail labs.” After having done a lot of soul searching and self reflection while he was away, he returned stronger and wiser than before. Though there remained an empty space inside him. An emptiness he had learned to live with.
Dale stood gazing out the window as he had done many times before. A tap at the door shook him from his thoughts.
“Come in.”
An attractive young women of medium height with long dark hair and hazel eyes stepped in and greeted him.
“Good morning Mr. Bierce! Please, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Danielle Thomson sir, your executive secretary.” she said, as she extended her hand. “Welcome back to “Raii labs” sir!”
“Thank you Ms. Thompson.”
Something felt vaguely familiar to him. Not that she looked like anyone in particular. So many faces have come and gone whether by work or casual contact that most are now merely a blur. It was her eyes. Something about her eyes held his attention. Or was it the way she tilted her head up, just so. He turned away and stepped behind his desk, taking a seat in the large leather chair as she continued.
“I would have come in sooner had I known you’d be here.” she said.
“That would have been totally unnecessary. I just wanted an early start to get the feel of the place again. That’s all ”
“Of course.” she said softly, sensing a quiet sadness about him.
“I’d like to offer my condolences. I’m truly sorry about Professor Bierce sir, he was a wonderful man. We all miss him here at “Raai labs.” He remembered now, though vaguely, she was there in the crowd at the funeral.
“Thank you for the sentiment Ms. Thomson.” Dale said as a moment of silence followed.
“Well then,” she sighed, “these are for you sir.” she said, handing him a folder. She watched as he skimmed through it. “Everything is there sir. If you have any questions for me I’ll be at my desk. Of course lately I’m up to my ears in paperwork. You may have to do some digging to find me.” she joked, at which point she started for the door.
Dale smiled noting her sense of humor as he continued flipping through the folder, when his eyes caught sight of the small black box he had set on the desk.
“Ms. Thomson.” he looked up.
“Please, call me Danielle.” she said, as she turned to face him.
“Thank you. Danielle it is then. I’d like you to schedule an appointment at the soonest time possible with our new “CSO.” (Chief science officer,) head of the science department.
“Yes sir, right away.”
And before turning to leave she asked,
“Can I bring you a cup of coffee sir? I figured I’d go to the staff room and fire up a pot. Well, in a manner of speaking. Although I have been known to burn a pot of coffee before. Don’t ask me how,” she laughed, “I couldn’t tell you.”
Her words echoed in the back of him mind.
“Sir?”
“Um no, thank you Danielle.”
She stepped out and closed the door behind her.
The next three months passed quickly as Danielle filled him in on everything that was going on at “Rail labs.” He was updated on current research as he toured the labs. And together they went over financial records. He had her hire contractors to set up a new security room fully equipped with the latest security system available.
Aside from finding her new boss to be quite handsome Danielle found him to be to the point regarding business matters, and was willing to do whatever he felt necessary to ensure the continued success of “Raai labs.” Providing it was beneficial to everyone involved. All in all she found him to be easy to work with. Though he had this peculiar habit of phasing out from time to time during conversation or while going over work matters. Pulling a disappearing act randomly and out of the blue. “He could just as well be a magician” she thought.
And Dale found Danielle to be open and direct, and a bit funny at times, and he quickly came to enjoy her laughter. He was quick to pick up on he caring nature, and he couldn’t help but sense there was a kind of knowing about her. She somehow seemed to know what he was thinking and feeling. He also found that every now and again Danielle would do, or say something that would take him back to another time and place.
Late one evening, as they were working, Danielle offered to order dinner in.
“Italian sound good?” she asked.
“Yeah sure, whatever you feel like eating is fine by me.” he said, as he focused on the reports they were going over.
When the food arrived she thanked Joel, who often delivered for the staff at “Raii labs.”
“Just put it on the company tab, and be sure to give yourself a generous tip.” she said with a smile.
“Thanks again Ms. Thompson!” Joel said, handing her a large bag with a spaghetti dinner for two. “Have a great evening and enjoy your dinner!” he said as he made his way to the elevator. Dale’s appetite suddenly grew with the combination of spaghetti sauce and garlic herb bread wafting in he air and enveloping the office. After stepping out to search the staff break room for paper plates and utensils she returned. Transferring the food onto the plates she placed one in front of Dale He took in the scent of citrus and floral’s. A scent that has been lingering around the office since he returned. Usually when Danielle was near. It sometimes brought to mind brief memories of another time, and another person. In the office, at the beach house. They ate while going over financial statements .
“Okay.” Danielle said, “why don’t we enjoy the rest of our meal before we continue with work.”
“Eating and working is fine by me.” Dale said, “Your killing two birds with one stone, in a manner of speaking. Although I admit, I do tend to lose track of time when I’m working.
She smiled, “Makes me wonder if you ever manage to take the time to sit down and enjoy a meal at all.”
“Not as often as I’d like for sure. To be honest, when I do enjoy a meal, I probably cooked it myself. I’m not a big fan of take out.”
“Really? I never would have guessed.” she said, smiling as she watched him devour his food. “And I’ve always believed most people find a meal more enjoyable when they don’t have to cook, and the food is already prepared for them.” Dale frowned at her words. Why did her words give him an uneasy feeling. They were only words. When Dale didn’t respond she continued, “So you like to cook do you? Imagine, our very own Mr. Bierce, Directer of business operations “chef extraordinaire.”
He stopped eating and looked up at her now. His eyes intense, seeing her, but not seeing her, suddenly caught in thought. The last time he had heard similar words was the night he and Ronda cooked and ate a spaghetti dinner together. “Some coincidence.” he thought to himself.
“I suppose we’ll all have the good fortune to see for ourselves when you prepare something for our next company picnic. Yes?” she said, trying to persuade him. He was silent. “What?” She asked, noticing the blank look on his face. “Is it something I said?” her voice more serious now.”
“Ahem,” he cleared his throat.“No, I’m sorry I — I just got a little caught up in thought for a moment.”
“Maybe you need to allow yourself a break .” she s
uggested. “After all, you only returned to “Raai labs” what, three months ago, and you’ve been buried in work since. I mean, I know there’s been a lot for you to catch up on but, if you’ll forgive me for being blunt, it’s as if your using work as an escape. I mean, there is more than work you know.”
“Really?” he said somewhat sarcastically, “Like what?” he asked, as he put a fork full of spaghetti in his mouth.
“It’s called life.” she said.
He stopped to look at her now. To him the two had always been synonymous.
“You’ll have to forgive me.” he said, “I realize you have a personal life, besides your job.”
“No that’s not what I’m saying. I’m not complaining. I don’t mind working over time, really I don’t. And when and if I do, that is, if it gets in the way of things that need tending to in my personal life I won’t hesitate to let you know, trust me.”
“Well I’m glad to hear that.” he said, surprised at her straight forwardness, but appreciative nonetheless. It reminded him of… He put the thought out of his mind.
“The last thing I want to do is over work you. I wouldn’t want you getting fed up, and leaving me to find a replacement. You’ve been a great help to me since I’ve been back by the way. And I want you to know I appreciate it “And you should know, expressing my gratitude isn’t something I do often.”
She smiled at his sincerity.
“At this point I’ll never leave you.” she said. “Heaven forbid, why I almost believe you’d be lost without me.” she said, jokingly. “Not to mention the pay is pretty good too. I think I’ll stay.” she smiled. “Besides when Professor Bierce hired me, he entrusted me to do the job, expected of me. I wouldn’t want to let him down by walking out over a few extra hours of work now and then.”
Ronda Page 15