‘Sweet? She asks you to fuck her so soon and she is sweet? Bullshit! She just wants it,’ Sidharth said.
‘She loves me.’
‘Whatever. I think you should act on it before she changes her mind. You know how girls are, right?’
I realized soon that even Sidharth couldn’t help me out in this matter, and we soon disconnected the call.
Despite all my preparations and heavy Googling, we didn’t do it the next time, or the time after that, and the time after that. I wasn’t ready. I just freaked out every time and so did she; this was much more difficult than kissing and bad make-out sessions. We were both not ready. At least, I wasn’t. I felt like a gigantic loser, and I wondered if there was a bigger douchebag than I was. Every time we tried, I would go back home cursing myself, thinking about Sheeny and how I disappointed her, and wondering about how the wearing protection part fits into the whole sex thing. It’s mechanical, unromantic and downright impractical; I think I even started hating the thought of making love.
Eventually we stopped talking about it, and things crawled back to normal. It was a Monday, and I don’t know why I remember the day because I am bad at days, but I remember that she had just come out of the shower. Her hair was wet and she looked inviting. The room was redolent with the fragrance of her face wash and her shampoo and her body wash. I was drawn to her, and I kissed her. Twenty minutes later, we were spent. We had done it. Finally. Surprisingly, I felt more relieved than happy (but it was also fantastic!) and I realized I really didn’t hate the thought of making love as much. The hype, the wait, the anticipation—all of it had lived up to the expectations. The sheer pleasure of having her body next to me, writhing and struggling in pain and ecstasy was unmatchable. Like they say, I will never forget my first time. But, as they say, every rose has its thorn. The pleasure was short-lived. Soon, tension was in the air and it engulfed us.
She had bled, but that was the least of our problems. Somewhere in the act, I had heard, and felt a snapping sound, and so had she. But we were so busy moaning out loud, digging our claws into each other and groaning periodically, that we had chosen to ignore it. The sound was of the protection snapping; it had torn.
‘It’s the first time this has happened,’ I said, not wanting any part of the blame on my ignorance. Maybe I had just put it on wrong. ‘We shouldn’t have done it! Damn it!’
‘Shit. Are you sure … you know?’ she said as the worry lines on her head became prominent; this was nightmarish. I nodded.
We immediately started counting dates from her last period. I had read somewhere on the forums about the dates when having sex would be most safe. Anyway, I let her do the counting and she didn’t seem too happy about it.
‘It’s not even one of those fucking safe dates,’ she said and held her head in her hands. She had started crying a little. ‘A girl in Modern School even got pregnant … her parents …’
‘Nothing like that will happen,’ I said. ‘Let me check on the Internet.’
‘I will go take a bath,’ she said and rushed to the washroom, wailing.
I typed in the Google search bar: Condom burst. What next? Condom Burst. Pregnancy? Pregnancy test.
I Googled everything.
Emergency Contraceptives.
This word stood out. I Googled again.
Emergency Contraceptives India
Darn!
In India, these were still prescription drugs whereas in the US, they were sold over-the-counter. No wonder, India is bursting with people. One condom snaps, and you have a kid in your hands, and your parents disown you and you have to marry the guy! I waited as she took quite some time in the washroom. I pinned my ears to the door and could hear her cry inside. I didn’t know what to say.
‘We need to see a doctor,’ I said, as I tried to stay calm, but I was freaking out.
‘What?’
‘Pills,’ I said.
‘I am not taking them … They are not good for the body … they do something to your cycles and … Joy, what if Mom … or Dad … I can’t do this …’ she said. She looked tense. She still hadn’t stopped crying, and I wasn’t helping.
‘But we can’t just sit and do nothing. We have to do it!’ I said.
‘It’s easier for you to say. I will ask my friends.’
‘What do they know? I just Googled. It’s all safe. It’s even sold over-the-counter in the US.’
‘Just leave,’ she said, still crying.
‘But … Let’s at least talk to a doctor …’
‘Joy. Just leave!’ she shouted.
Throughout the next day, I kept calling her and texting her, persuading her to come with me to see a doctor. Time was running out and I was losing my head. Seventy-two hours, I had read on the Internet; there wasn’t much time left. I cursed her for being so irresponsible and thinking only about herself; I called her selfish and reckless. She just cried, listened, disconnected the call and switched off her phone. The following night, after I had gone to sleep, my phone beeped. It was from Sheeny. The message read.
Taken the pill. Went with a friend. Don’t worry. Take Care.
Women. They are strange, aren’t they?
The thought of taking her to a doctor had made me wet my pants, even though I was the guy. She was younger, yet bolder and stronger. This is why such things are always left to women. The more important things in life. Men just aren’t up to the task. At least I wasn’t. I really didn’t know why she wouldn’t go there with me. She did end up taking the pill after all.
‘Maybe she just wanted a little support from you before you started giving her options, Joy. She was looking at you to make her stop crying and not Google and give her options straightaway!’ I said.
‘Why didn’t she just tell me so?’ Joy protested.
‘She was just a kid, Joy. She wanted you to hug her and tell her that it would be okay.’
‘But I said that!’
‘You told her to take a pill!’
‘But that’s what … that would have solved everything,’ he said.
All men are the same and Joy was no different. They think only they can come up with solutions, but what they don’t understand is, we don’t want solutions … we want support and care and love.
‘Whatever. But she did love you, didn’t she?’ I asked Joy.
Joy paused for a while before he said, ‘Yes, she did.’
‘Then what happened? Why did you guys break up?’
‘You have to understand here that I didn’t know what loving someone meant. This was my first real relationship and she was an incredible girl. I didn’t know whether I just wanted to be with her or that I was in love with her … All I knew was that any guy would be in love with a girl like her. I cared about her, but …’
The First Pill—Part 3
Sheeny and I completed three months. The whole contraceptive episode was behind us primarily because she didn’t want to talk about it. We were still making love (and it was unreal!) whenever her mother wasn’t around, and we took care she didn’t have to take a pill again.
Though the relationship was nothing extraordinary—and I know it’s a terrible thing to say—but that was how it was. If I think about it, it went on because neither one of us had been in a real relationship before to know what to expect out of it. She was pretty and smart and funny, but we would run out of things to talk about. We would spend hours on the phone, and only she would talk, about her friends, about the homework she couldn’t complete, about the teacher who was constantly after her life, the boys of her school who would constantly flirt with her, and I would listen to her talk, not because it interested me, but because that’s what good boyfriends do. I always felt that I had been insanely lucky to be with someone as incredible as Sheeny, and it led me to believe that I should have no reasons to complain.
Sheeny often told me that I was good-looking, something that I found ridiculous, but I never complained; she was good for my ego. I had every reason to stay in the relations
hip. It felt great to be seen with her.
Despite everything good in the relationship, the spark in the relationship was dying out, and it wasn’t as if were fighting, but we just didn’t have ANYTHING to talk about. We were still into each other, groping, kissing and biting whenever we had a chance (because, well, I am a guy), but that was the only real motive I had left to meet her. Other than that, our dates were really monotonous.
‘The pasta is great, isn’t it?’ she asked. ‘You know what? The girl in my class whose boyfriend went to the army? He is getting married now and he didn’t even bother to tell this girl. Isn’t that so unfair? I mean, what harm would it have done to that guy if he had just told her beforehand … it’s silly, isn’t it?’
‘Yes,’ I said, as I continued eating.
‘You seem a little off today. What’s the problem?’ Sheeny asked.
How could I have told her that I wasn’t interested in her stories about her girlfriends? It was either that or how a cute boy in her class approached her. I always wondered why she never noticed that I wasn’t interested in her stories. I know now that she might have, but she was in love with me; just the thought of someone being in love with me was ridiculous.
‘No, I am just a little tired,’ I said.
‘Okay … then just listen. My parents went to our old house in Patparganj yesterday and found that …’ she resumed her stories and I resumed eating.
Things kept getting worse. I couldn’t talk in the same language or couldn’t take part in the conversations she wanted to have. It was strange because just a few months back, I would have killed to get her to talk to me, but things had changed. There were times when I just didn’t want to be with her. I preferred being alone. But then again, she was cute and good in bed and I was still a nerd, unloved by anyone else, and that’s what made it very hard to stay away from her.
‘What?’ Sidharth said. ‘Break up with her? Are you crazy? You know how many guys ask me every day about the girl you are dating? And you do realize that you wouldn’t find someone as hot as her. Ever. You’re like the monkey in King Kong holding the pretty girl!’
‘It was the gorilla.’
‘Yes, you’re the gorilla.’
‘Thank you for taking my side,’ I say. ‘I know. But, I feel bored now,’ I had started to sound like Arnab.
‘Bored? Only rich good-looking guys have the right to say that. When a girl like Sheeny dates someone as average and un-extraordinary as you, you just suck it all up and date and be with her, come what may!’
‘C’mon, Sidharth. We have nothing to talk about! All we do is sit in the front of the television and watch movies. We have nothing in common. I am not even sure I love her. Shouldn’t she know that?’
‘When exactly did you have a sex change? Shut up with all the honesty! Feel lucky that you’re not in love. Being in love is painful, man,’ Sidharth sighed.
Yeah, he was in love with Vani, tall, beautiful and very feminine. I didn’t think their relationship would last, but it did and it had been six months now.
He continued, ‘… I see her with other guys, I blow my top. If I don’t talk to her, I don’t feel like doing anything else. If hours go by without any news of her, I freak out. Being in love is terrible man. I would love to be where you are. I’m still a goddamn virgin!’
‘I would trade places with you any day.’
‘Because you’re a girl in a man’s body. Like, seriously, you don’t deserve your balls,’ Sidharth concluded.
Hypocrite.
‘I’m just scared, man. She falls more in love each day and it freaks me out. The later I break up, the more she is going to cry. And I don’t want that to happen.’
Sidharth didn’t get it. After a while, I stopped trying to explain it to him, and we talked about Sachin Tendulkar instead.
‘They said it was okay if I stayed in Delhi!’ Sheeny said with moist eyes and her voice cracking.
Both of us knew she was never going to make it to any engineering college in Delhi. But she had told her parents that in any case, she wouldn’t go to Bangalore with them. Her parents were strictly against it, but she had been firm in her stand. Fortunately, or unfortunately, she had succeeded.
‘That’s wonderful!’ I said, faking my enthusiasm.
‘Isn’t that great? All I have to do is try to get into some decent Delhi University course … I don’t think I am anyway good enough for any of the engineering colleges.’
‘Don’t say that,’ I said and hugged her. She was undoubtedly extremely happy that day. She held my hand throughout the day and kissed me at every opportunity. I felt burdened.
Somewhere deep inside my heart, I wanted her to go. It would have made things so much easier for me. I had never dumped anyone and I saw no reason why I should dump her. It was unfair. She was so sweet to me, loved me like anything and she was beautiful. She didn’t deserve to get dumped. And most importantly, I didn’t know how to dump someone! Anyway, her happiness was short-lived as her parents changed their mind the next day. That day she came crying to me for support.
‘You fought again?’ I asked.
‘Yes. I don’t know why they don’t get it. I want to stay here. I don’t want to go there. I never wanted to. They should get it. It’s my life, it’s my decision.’
‘Sheeny, they should, but you are their only daughter and you are very pretty. They obviously feel worried about you. You can’t be so rude to them. At least don’t fight,’ I said.
I knew what I was doing there—brainwashing her. Every fibre of my being cursed me for doing what I was, but it was infinitely better than telling her that I didn’t love her, that I never had, and that I was with her because I had no reason not to be with her.
‘They don’t get it. I have tried every possible thing. I wish I could just tell them that it’s because of you I want to stay here so much.’
‘Don’t ever say that to them,’ I said, wondering what her mom would say to mine, ‘… it would be so unfair to your parents. You know them for the last eighteen years; you can’t just leave them for someone you have met just a few months back.’
‘Ummm,’ she said. ‘Do you want me stay, Joy?’
‘What kind of question is that?’
‘It’s as simple as questions get,’ she said with a straight face. ‘Do you want me to stay?’
‘Obviously, I want you to stay,’ I said.
‘I wonder why you never say that,’ she said and looked away, her eyes still moist.
This was the first conversation of many, where I mildly hinted to her that she shouldn’t go against her parents, and that she needed to respect their wishes. Maybe, this was the time I had changed into a guy who started disregarding the feelings of people around me. Especially of those who dated me.
Anyhow, another two months of many such conversations, bad results in examinations and the fact that I kept assuring her that long-distance relationships work, made her bow down to her parents’ wishes. She was going to Bangalore. I felt relieved, and I hated myself with a vengeance. It was totally her decision, but it was taken by me. I burdened her with so much guilt about fighting with her parents that she just had to go.
Mom had asked me to drive them to the airport, and I did so.
‘So this is it …’ she said. ‘Bye, Joy,’ she hugged me as her parents walked away from us and towards the airport terminal.
‘Keep calling. Take a number as soon as you get there and give me a call,’ I said.
‘Joy …’ she said.
‘Yes?’
‘I am not going to do that,’ she said.
‘What? Wha … what are you not going to do?’
‘I am not going to call you. We will not be in contact. This is it,’ she said, almost dispassionately. ‘This is the end of the road for us.’
‘What are you saying? Are you all right? Why would you not call me?’ I asked.
Now that she had said it, it felt kind of terrible that she would never call again. I was almost
in tears, my stomach churned.
‘Yes, I am good, Joy. Had you wanted me around, you would have tried to keep me around. Instead you … pushed me away.’ Tears now rolled down her cheeks even as she said that.
‘I didn’t! I love you. I want you around. I have always wanted you around!’
Now, I panicked. The crushing emptiness of my life that would engulf me after she left hit me then. No calls from her would be disastrous. If not anything else, I was used to her now. She was a part of my life, a beautiful part of my life.
‘No you don’t. Have a good life. Love you,’ she said and kissed my forehead. ‘I will always think of you … You will always be special …’ she said and shook my hand, passing on a note to me.
And she walked away. I saw her disappear behind the doors. She never looked back.
I read the note:
Is it a tear for the kiss we had,
or a tear for the love that left,
is it a tear for those fights over milkshakes,
or a tear for this ugly heartbreak,
is it a tear for I thought you were the one,
or a tear for by my side there is none,
I understand it didn’t go well,
those trees couldn’t hold our name for long,
I understand that kiss under the stars,
has lost its magic and its charm,
I understand that all I sought for,
is now shattered to pieces like a glass,
and so now I have to take it in my face,
and we’ll have to walk apart!
I understand how much I want to stay ay …
But now I’ll have to walk away.
I felt my heart sink.
But isn’t that what I wanted? For her to go away? But then, why did I start missing her almost immediately? I felt like a shitty person, I missed the person I used to be, the shy person who used to measure his words before saying them, and the introvert who never talked to people and hurt them.
Ohh Yes, I'm Single: And so is my Girlfriend Page 4