by Croix, J. H.
I tried to imagine the conversation with my mother. That Lucy somehow discovered this small detail sent emotion spinning around my heart and knotting in my throat. I swallowed past it.
“I have some chicken in the freezer,” I offered, striving to keep my tone casual. “Have you ever made chicken fajitas before?”
She shook her head quickly and then reached into the front pocket of her jeans, pulling out of scrap of paper and handing it to me.
Scribbled in her writing was my mom‘s recipe. I knew it by heart because my mother made it so many times when I was a kid and still did.
“How did you get this recipe?”
When I looked back over at Lucy, her cheeks were still flushed. “I asked your mom. I wanted to surprise you but you got home earlier than I thought. I also don’t know how to cook very well, but you know that.”
“I’ll help,” I offered.
The smile that claimed her lips was so wide, I didn’t bother trying not to pull her close. She giggled as I lifted her against me and stole her smile with my kiss.
* * *
Later that night, after what would go down as one of the best nights ever, I lay in bed with Lucy against my chest. Her skin was damp against mine, and our breath was heaving. My cock still buried deep inside her slick channel. I’d just spent myself inside of her while she flew apart in my arms. Her legs were curled against my sides, and her lush curves pressed against me where she collapsed after crying out my name.
As the thundering of my heartbeat slowed and I managed to catch my breath, I heard Ham scurrying into the bedroom, his little feet scratching on the hardwood flooring. I felt Lucy smile against my chest.
“I love that you have a hamster,” she said with a little laugh, her breath gusting against my skin.
Running a hand through her hair and down her spine in a slow pass, a smile tugged at the corners of my mouth.
“Jasmine gave him to me. I thought it was silly, but she said I needed company. My sister’s kinda bossy sometimes. I’m glad though. He’s a fun little guy.”
I paused, realizing I needed to tell her I would be leaving for the backcountry in a few days. I didn’t want to go. She must’ve felt me tense because she lifted her head, resting her chin on my chest.
The moonlight was cast through my window, so I could see her eyes clearly, blue in the silvery light.
“What?” she asked.
“I was about to say the only challenge is having someone stop by and take care of Ham when I’m gone for work. Usually my parents do it, but it reminded me we’re heading out the day after tomorrow to deal with a fire up north.”
“Tomorrow?” she asked, her eyes widening slightly.
I could feel her heartbeat kick up a notch against my chest.
“Not tomorrow. The day after.” I paused, considering my words. I kicked my caution to the curb. “I was hoping I could ask you to take care of Ham while I’m gone.”
She held still, but I could feel the tension vibrating in her body and could practically see the wheels turning in her head. She thought so hard about everything.
After a beat, when I was starting to get nervous she was going to tell me she couldn’t, she nodded.
“Of course. I’m here anyway,” she said softly, her eyes slightly guarded.
“Thank you. Ham likes you.”
Lucy giggled, that guarded look in her eyes dissipating. “You think?”
“Sure he does. He napped on your lap earlier.”
After dinner, we’d lounged on the sofa for a little bit, and Ham had, in fact, snuggled up on her lap.
My hand was still sliding up and down her back in slow passes. She watched me, her eyes coasting over my face.
“I’m sure I can find my own place soon,” she suddenly said.
For a flash, my heart stuttered and a sharp ache pierced me. My hand stilled and then I forced it to keep stroking over her silky skin. I wanted to say, “Don’t leave. Stay with me.”
Yet, I didn’t. “You’re welcome to stay here through the winter if you need,” I heard myself saying.
Her gaze scanned my face as words and emotion knotted in my throat. For a moment, I thought she wasn’t going to reply, but then she nodded.
“Thank you,” she said softly. “I’m still looking for a rental. Frankly, I might have better luck finding a seasonal rental for the winter.”
I swallowed against the emotion tightening every muscle in my body and forced myself to keep my touch light and easy. I wanted to hold her tight and tell her she didn’t have to do everything alone.
She looked at me, chewing the inside of her cheek, a habit I’d noticed she had when she was worrying about something.
Her fingers traced lightly across my chest. “So you leave the day after tomorrow?” At my nod, she continued. “For how long?”
“We don’t always know. Usually it’s a week or two, but we may stay longer depending on what’s happening with the fire and the weather conditions.”
In the quiet, she startled me when she lifted a fingertip and traced my brows. “Oh, well, I hope you’re not gone too long.”
Her words hit me hard, and I wanted to say more, but the uncertainty in her eyes held me back. I simply nodded.
Her touch slid down along my cheekbone, coming to stop in the curve of my neck. She rested her head against my chest again, her breath feathering against my skin. We fell asleep like that.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Lucy
The following day, I should’ve been in a good mood. I was finally cleared to do more than light duty. I’d gotten nothing more than a mild scolding from my doctor to take it easy and not push too hard.
A cool summer breeze gusted across my face as I worked. I loved working in construction because it meant being outside. The physical exertion was also satisfying and tended to nudge me out of my tendency to worry. The physicality of the work and the calm predictability suited me. There was nothing uncertain about measuring a two-by-four for a cut. Everything was laid out in neat, organized plans.
If only life could be like that, then maybe I could relax. I’d once seen a therapist, back when I was in foster care. She’d been nice enough, but at the time I’d been so bitter and just tired of life. No child should be so tired by the time they’re in high school that all they hoped for was a boring life. Even though I’d finally escaped my father, I had to worry about my mother, which I did all the time. I was always on edge, waiting for the next shoe to drop in foster care.
My therapist had talked to me about trauma and how it could make you hyper-vigilant. She’d described that as always being on the alert for everything around me, and she’d thought that was what I had going on. Even though I hated, absolutely hated, admitting I had any weaknesses, she’d zeroed in on precisely how I felt all the time. I couldn’t recall a single time in my life when I could relax and not worry about what might come next.
Anxiety bloomed in my chest. You see, things felt so good with Levi. Even though I’d been guarding against it, I’d let myself relax and enjoy it a little too much.
His pending departure, entirely expected given his line of work, had me on edge, worried and scrambling for purchase inside emotionally.
This is why you can’t have nice things.
My snide, ever-knowing, doubtful voice taunted me.
I was saved from my internal battles when Amelia paused by my side. “I think we have enough now,” she said a hint of laughter in her voice.
I glanced up to find her amber eyes crinkling at the corners with her smile. Looking down, I realized I’d cut more two-by-four’s than we needed for this particular room. Turning back to her, I rolled my eyes with a laugh.
“I lost track. It felt so good to have two hands.”
She didn’t say anything, her gaze assessing my face. I inwardly groaned. Amelia knew me better than anyone else.
“You okay?”
The moment she asked, emotion slammed into my chest. I was terrified. I’d l
et myself fall in love with Levi, and I hadn’t even noticed it was happening. I should’ve known better, but then I’d never been in love, never even considered it might happen to me.
For a beat, I contemplated dismissing her question. But, she would know.
I finished the cut on the two-by-four in hand and leaned it against the wall along with the rest of the tidy rows of stacked lumber. Turning, I rested my hips against the table saw stand and looked up at her, crossing my arms.
“I’m in over my head,” I said with a sigh.
Simply saying it aloud set my heart to thudding against my ribs.
Amelia leaned on a sawhorse across from me, quickly pulling the elastic out of her ponytail and smoothing her hair back from her face where it had fallen loose. As she tied it up again, she eyed me.
“Are we talking about Levi?” she finally asked.
I nodded as hot tears pricked at the backs of my eyes.
“Is that a bad thing?”
I nodded, perhaps frantically. Her gaze softened as she stared at me. “Why is that bad? Levi’s a good guy. Cade’s also pretty convinced he’s in love with you.”
My heart started beating so hard and fast it hurt. Hope flew like birds from a cage inside of me—the cage where I’d locked hope away many years ago.
“Why would Cade think that?” I asked, my voice thick with emotion.
When I spoke, I didn’t realize tears had started to roll down my cheeks until Amelia stepped to me and pulled me into a hug.
When she drew back, she took a deep breath and sighed. “Well then, I guess I’m right too.”
“About what?” I asked, dragging a sleeve across my cheeks.
“Oh, I kinda thought if you ever let yourself give Levi a chance, you’d fall for him. Before you even worry about it, I didn’t say anything to Cade. It’s more than just sex, although I bet the sex is good,” she said with a grin as she stepped back, resting her hips against the sawhorse again.
I swallowed against the emotion bundling tightly in my chest and throat. “I think maybe I am. I can’t do this though.”
“Why not? I got over myself with Cade. You can too,” she said softly.
I shook my head and tried to catch my breath. My heart felt as if it had been scraped raw, the pain stinging.
“It’s better when it’s just me,” I finally said.
Amelia leaned her head back up to stare at the sky as an eagle called and flew above us, its wings casting a wide shadow on the ground below. I took several deep breaths, but the pain in my heart wasn’t easing.
When her eyes leveled with mine again, I spoke. “He said the crew’s been called out after today, probably for two weeks.”
“I know. Cade’s crew is leaving with them. Now you know how I feel. It sucks,” she said bluntly. “I try to tell myself that they know better than probably anybody else how to take care of themselves and how to get out of a jam. But it doesn’t make it any easier.”
Tightening my arms, I nodded. “Levi said I could stay for the winter.”
“How is that a problem? You need somewhere to stay. I mean, you’re always welcome at our place once we have our boiler installed, but he’s definitely got more space than we do.”
“I can’t,” I replied, shaking my head sharply.
“It’s okay to need someone,” Amelia finally said.
The word need lashed at me. I instinctively wanted to punch back at it. I hated needing anyone. It represented everything that went wrong for my mother. She couldn’t scrabble together the courage to leave my father because she thought she needed him, that she didn’t have what it took to be a single mother. I couldn’t see past the reality that my father had worn her sense of self down to nothing. I couldn’t believe there could be a healthy sense of need.
“This is too much for me to talk about it,” I said abruptly.
Spinning away, I needlessly straightened the rows of two-by-four’s leaning against the wall.
“Can we change the subject?” I asked without looking at Amelia.
“Of course,” she finally said. “You know I’m here when you want to talk.”
I almost laughed. She didn’t say if, she said when. That was the kind of friend she was.
* * *
That night, I lay in bed beside Levi. Again. I’d given up any pretense of sleeping in the guestroom. Tonight, he’d taken me on the kitchen counter after we ate the leftovers from the chicken fajitas that he mostly cooked last night. All I’d really done was chop vegetables.
I was warm, relaxed and sated. His fingers were sifting through my hair where my head was tucked into his shoulder.
His voice nudged me out of my sleepy, mellow state. “Lucy?”
I lifted my head and glanced up. “Uh huh?” I asked.
“I’ll miss you,” he said gruffly, his eyes catching mine in the moonlight falling through the window.
For a moment, I was confused. My body still reverberating from the echoes of my climax, I’d conveniently forgotten he was leaving tomorrow. For at least two weeks. The time stretched before me in my mind, a chasm of distance between us.
The air felt heavy. I knew I was going to miss him – acutely.
But I wasn’t ready for any of this, much less ready to talk to him about it. The look in his eyes was intent and searching. I felt as if he could see right into my heart—to the flawed, confused woman who didn’t believe she deserved to have love in her life.
A pang of guilt stabbed at me. He had the courage to speak his feelings. He was a straightforward, direct person. Meeting his family had made things worse for me. Watching him with his parents had only reinforced what I already knew. I could see past his tendency to tease and see the core of him—a strong man with a good heart. He deserved to be with somebody who had more courage than I did.
After a moment, awareness flickered in his gaze. Without a word passing between us, it was as if he knew I was afraid. He wasn’t going to push.
“I just thought you should know,” he finally said.
I swallowed against the tightness in my chest, the pain pounding in my heart. I surprised myself.
“I’ll miss you too.”
His eyes widened slightly, and then he brushed my hair away from my face and lifted his head slightly, just enough to catch my lips with his.
The point of contact was soft, yet electrifying. My heart was pounding so hard, it felt as if I had just run a marathon.
He drew away, his head falling back against the pillows as his fingers slipped through my hair and down along my back. In a very short time, I’d become spoiled by his tendency to stroke my back as I fell asleep. His touch lulled me straight to sleep.
Sleep had never come easily to me, but with Levi, it did. My mind didn’t run on a hamster wheel of anxiety and worry. Perhaps it was the physical closeness, the sensual satiation. It surprised me, if only because I knew I should be worrying—worrying about how comfortable I was, how I savored the feeling of being tangled up with him.
I shook my thoughts away, relaxing into the feel of his warm touch. My heartbeat slowed, and I tumbled into sleep.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Lucy
Since Levi had left a few days ago, he’d called early on before they flew out of Fairbanks and when they were at their base camp. Like a lovesick idiot, I answered the phone. Every time. The first two calls, I’d managed to be normal. You know, I told him how my day went and that I fed Ham carrots. But then, there was the last call.
Just thinking about it, my face got hot. I’d replayed it a few hundred times and still couldn’t get over it. I’d said something colossally stupid.
It all started when he told me he missed me. For a second, I let myself soak in his words. Then, it was like a boomerang inside. I couldn’t let myself savor any of it. I missed him so much, my heart literally ached, and I was furious for it. I’d let down my guard, and now I’d set myself up. Because there was no way this could work. I didn’t have it in me to do a relationship. T
he very idea terrified me.
When I didn’t say anything, he pushed a little too much.
“Lucy, you know it wouldn’t be so bad to actually talk about the fact there’s something between us.”
My simmering anger flashed hot. I hated talking about my feelings. And this? He wanted me to talk about us? No. Just no.
I supposed that was a normal thing for a person who was doing what we were doing to say. But I couldn’t deal. At all.
Cue the stupid.
“You don’t understand,” I blurted out. “It’s not okay. There is no happily ever after. Not in my world.”
I heard his breath hiss. “Why would you say that?” he asked, sounding deflated.
Cornered and vulnerable, I lashed out because it was all I knew how to do.
“Levi, you have no fucking clue. You have the perfect family. Your parents are nice, and they’re still together. They love you, and they would do anything for you. I’m happy for you. I really am. But that’s not my family. My father was awful. He was verbally and emotionally abusive to my mother for my whole childhood. Sometimes he beat her up, and then he beat me up…”
I paused to catch my breath because all kinds of emotions I’d stuffed deep down were barreling though me so fast, I could hardly breathe. I didn’t know if Levi actually asked why, but in my mind, he did. So I continued, my words pouring out like a runaway train.
“See, I was shy in high school. It was a big high school, and I didn’t have many friends because we moved all the time. Like an idiot, I had a crush on a guy. He took me to a dance. I was on cloud nine, and I lost my virginity. That wasn’t a bad thing, but then he told the whole school, and I got slut shamed like you wouldn’t believe. I still don’t know how, but somehow my fucking father found out. He’d hated my mother forever because she got pregnant in high school, and he blamed his whole shitty life on her for that. He was furious at me and said I was trying to do the same thing. I went to bed with two black eyes. Then, I went to foster care and that was the best thing that ever happened to me. That’s what a mess my family was. The next best thing was when my mom finally got the nerve to leave my dad, and we moved to Willow Brook.”