by Leigh James
“I’m not interested in anything he can offer me,” I said, thinking about Norris Phaland looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life, trying to make partner under that sort of pressure.
“Never say never,” Walker said.
“Never,” I said, just to be fresh.
Toby looked surprised but happy to see us; Walker tossed him the keys and told him to leave the car out front. “We’ll only be gone for twenty minutes. You know the drill,” he said, and handed him some cash.
Walker didn’t even try to hold my hand. He seemed all business this morning, even though he was in jeans and a tee-shirt. At least the tee-shirt showed his enormous biceps. When I could see his biceps, I felt like everything I’d done, and all that I might do — even every bad thing — was going to be completely worth it, in the end.
The receptionist seemed surprised to see us. “Hi, Nicole,” she said, obviously texting someone below the credenza. David must have said he was expecting us, because after she read the reply she smiled at us warmly. “David’s expecting you. You can head back there now.”
We walked quickly down the hallway, nodding at the people who were obviously staring at us, confused. Like most offices, news travelled fast, especially news about people leaving the firm. People did double-takes and then just nodded at us politely; no one ever seemed to know what sort of surprises the managing partners had planned, so they would just have to wait to find out what the gossip was, why we were here. I stopped when I got to my office. The lights were out and Tammy’s desk was cleared off and dark.
I looked at Walker out of the corner of my eye and we walked as fast as I could to David’s office.
“Hey, Linda,” I said, sounding out of breath, “where’s Tammy?”
She looked up with a curious expression on her face and David poked his head out. “Vacation,” he said. “She was upset yesterday so we told her to take some time.”
“Oh,” I said, relieved. I thought they had fired her or done something horrible like that.
“Come on in,” David said. “Walker, you’re welcome to join us.” I looked at him over my shoulder and shook my head, no. I was a big girl and I could handle David Proctor all by myself.
He stayed outside with Linda, who couldn’t seem to believe her luck two days in a row.
“I was very upset yesterday after you left,” David said, sitting down. He looked better today, calmer; his skin had resumed its ruddy glow. The pack of cigarettes was nowhere in sight. “You’re the best associate we have, Nicole. You are an enormous asset to this firm. You were hand-picked two years ago not only because of your grades and class rank, but because you demonstrated superior analyzation and writing skills. That hasn’t changed. You’ve grown into a fine young lawyer. The Management here envisions you as a partner someday — maybe someday sooner than you think.”
“What about Norris Phaland?” I asked. “How does he feel about my fast-track?”
David leaned towards me. “Norris is a partner here because of who he’s married to,” he said. Everybody knew this, but to hear David say it gave it a credibility that I almost couldn’t process. “We tolerate him, Nicole. He is arrogant and obnoxious as hell, and he has all sorts of opinions. Opinions the rest of us give very little weight to.” He smiled at me. “Just don’t tell him that.”
“Don’t worry,” I said. “I won’t.”
“Have you filed your Appearance yet?” he asked.
“Have you filed your Withdrawal yet?” I asked.
He smiled at me. “I was hoping I wouldn’t have to.” He paused for a beat. “Nicole, Walker only wants to work with you. He’s a very important person and this is a very important case. I happen to believe that you are the best person for the job, but I don’t think you can try something this complicated as your first trial in Federal Court and be successful. Let us help you.
“I am willing to let you have first chair. In addition, if you come back to the firm, as a signing bonus — as re-signing bonus, really — we’d like to offer you full payment on all of your student loans. Law and undergraduate. I’ll wire the funds today.”
My mouth dropped open. That was almost three-hundred-thousand dollars. In one pop.
He looked at my shocked expression and smiled. “We’ll also give you a twenty-five percent raise. So that you can help out with your dad and your brothers.”
Now my mouth was opening and closing like I was a fish. That money could be the end of years of worry — past, present and future. It would be a clean slate for me. For my family.
“Seriously?” I asked. It was all I could muster.
“Seriously,” David said and smiled at me. “We’ll just rip up that paper you signed yesterday.”
We just sat and stared at each other for a beat.
“Is that a yes?”
“I don’t know,” I mumbled. My thoughts were almost incoherent. This was all happening too fast. And something — actually, lots of things — were still bothering me. And now there were all of these dollars signs dancing in my head, competing with reason.
“Why did you pick me for this case?” I asked, after a confused minute.
“Why?” David asked me, sitting back and smiling. “Because you’re the best associate. The smartest. And I know I can trust you. I know how much you love your job. And how much you need it.” He took a long pause. “You have a chance to turn this around, Nicole. Think about it. You’re doing the right thing by staying with us. You’re the right thing for yourself, and the right thing for the client.”
I just sat there, speechless, taking it all in.
Three-hundred-thousand dollars. And all the vast resources for Walker.
“I spoke with Lester Max and I’m sure I have it all figured out. There’s nothing to worry about,” David said. “He isn’t embezzling money. I want to tell Walker everything about the trust, and our firm’s plans in place for his protection.”
I exhaled in relief. This was exactly what I needed to hear.
“Is that a yes?” David asked, pleasantly.
I nodded at him, still stunned by the turn of events. And the dollar signs.
“I need a motion filed with the court,” David said. “Can you do that for me?”
“Of course,” I said.
“Take this,” he said, handing me a folder. I opened it; it was a Motion to Compel; I scanned it briefly and it looked like the government hadn’t provided part of the documents they were supposed to. It was a common pre-trial motion, probably meant to irritate the prosecution as much as it was to get the actual documents.
“There’s a car waiting for you downstairs. I want Walker to meet with me for a few minutes, to discuss the Miami payments and Lester Max. You can have the car take you back to his place after you run into the Clerk’s office.”
“So it’s okay that I keep working over there?” I asked.
“That’s what he wants. So that’s what we’ll do,” David said.
“He’ll be happy to hear it,” I said.
“Then I’ll be happy to tell him,” David said and smiled.
I grabbed the folder and headed to the door. “Do you need any information about my loans?” I asked, my face turning red. I hated to ask, but I wanted it to get done. They were hanging over my head, every single day of my life. “Do you need the account numbers, or anything?”
“We have everything that we need,” David said smoothly. “So you no longer have to worry about it.”
“Thank you, David.”
“You’re welcome, Nicole.”
I went outside to find Walker leaning against Linda’s desk. They were having some animated discussion about how bad the Red Sox season was going, and how the management was most certainly responsible.
“Hi,” I said to Walker. I held up the folder. “I need to go file this with the court, and David wants to see you for a bit.”
He raised his eyebrows at me. “You’re going now?” he asked. “Alone?”
“Yes,” I said. �
��There’s a car for me. It’ll take me five minutes to file this, and then I’ll have them drop me at your house. Is that okay?”
“If it’s okay with you,” he said, looking into my eyes, making sure this wasn’t just for show, that I was really okay. “You made a decision?”
I nodded at him. I wanted to hug him, to pull him to me, but stupid Linda was right there, watching us like we were a hot nighttime soap opera. I wanted to tell him about my loans and all the good news — that the Miami payments were legitimate, that we would have the support we needed for his case, that David was going to let me run the defense, everything. It was all more than I could have asked for.
“I’m going to walk you down,” Walker said. He looked at Linda. “Tell David I’ll be one minute.”
The polite stares continued as we made our way through the lobby into the elevator, but I no longer cared. I felt like I was in a dream. No more debt. No more worry. Without my loans, I would be able to really help with Richie. I could put some serious money aside for my brothers to go to college. And if I got to run the defense, with the vast resources of the firm behind me, I could win Walker’s case. I knew it.
“So?” Walker said, once we were in the elevator. “What’s the deal?”
Someone was probably listening to us, even in here, but I didn’t see how talking about David’s offer could be giving away too much. “They’ve offered me my position back. David said I can be first-chair,” I heard my voice waver and I realized that I was proud, excited. “And he offered to pay off all of my student loans. Undergraduate and graduate. Today. And give me a significant raise.”
“Wow,” Walker said. “That’s impressive. He’s playing hard-ball.”
“I think it’s for the best — for you and for me,” I said. “We’ll have Proctor’s resources for your trial. He wants to talk to you about some stuff they’d put in place for you, to protect your finances — that’s the stuff I was worried about,” I blathered. “Now it all makes sense. He cleared everything with Lester Max. And I’ll have a financial clean slate, for the first time in my life. David even said that I should use the extra money to help my dad and the boys,” I gushed.
And then I stopped.
“What?” Walker asked, taking in my confused expression, as the elevator doors opened.
“Nothing,” I said. I just didn’t remember ever talking about my dad or my brothers to David Proctor. Office gossip, I told myself. Everybody knows everything.
“Mr. Walker, are you ready for your car?” asked Toby.
“Not quite,” he said. “I’m going back upstairs for a minute. Ms. Reynolds is ready for her car, though.” Toby nodded and went out to the curb to check the cars parked there. Just then Mandy came through the revolving door. She looked stunned to see us.
“Nicole?” she asked, hugging me. “I didn’t think I was going to see you here again. What’s up?”
“David wanted to meet with me,” I said robotically, churning things over in my mind. I thought of Tammy’s empty desk. David Proctor’s smooth demeanor, offering all those dollar signs.
Trust no one.
It’s worse than you think.
“He wants this filed with the Clerk’s office,” I said to Mandy, suddenly changing my mind. I held up the folder. “You want to take it for me? There’s a car waiting.”
“Sure,” she said, smiling at me. “Does this mean you’re back?” she asked.
“I thought so. But I’m not so sure,” I said, frowning at her. “Tell David I’ll call him later.”
She nodded at me and smiled at Walker. “You always keep me guessing, Nicole,” she said. “Call me later, too,” she called over her shoulder.
Walker was watching me. “What’s going on?” he asked me quietly.
“Something’s not right,” I said, watching the driver open the door for Mandy.
“Obviously,” he said. “You want me to get my car?” I nodded at him and watched as the Town Car, carrying Mandy and the Motion to Compel, pulled away.
And then I watched as it burst into flames.
* * *
“NICOLE!” Walker screamed, throwing himself in front of me as a sonic boom ratcheted and the car exploded into a fiery mess. The glass lobby doors shattered and I heard people screaming.
But I didn’t scream. I couldn’t. All I could think was no, no, no, no please let it be one minute ago I want to go back please let this not have happened please let me go back pleeeeaasseee
But that wasn’t happening. Walker picked me up and carried me out of the lobby, onto the street, cradling my face against his shoulder so I wouldn’t have to look.
“Is she alive?” he screamed at someone, but I didn’t hear anything back, just flames, and shouting, and sirens. Smoke engulfed as and we both coughed.
“I’ve got you, Nic,” Walker said, holding me tightly in his arms and running. I didn’t know where he was going. All I heard were sirens, and screaming. Time and space seemed to stop having meaning for me. Everything was slow, like I was being chewed up and spit out in small piece by small piece. “Hey!” Walker yelled at someone. “Over here!”
I lifted my head enough to see Toby standing and staring at the flaming remains of the car, Walker’s keys dangling in his hand.
“Toby!” Walker yelled. “Are you okay?”
“I think so,” Toby said. He was shaking.
“I need you to get us out of here. Now,” Walker said, throwing me into the back seat of the BMW and slamming the door behind us. Toby got in and floored it, weaving in and out of the traffic that was mostly stopped, the drivers all wondering what was happening and if it was safe.
No, I wanted to tell them, to yell from the car. No it was not safe.
He maneuvered us through the traffic and to the Mass Ave intersection. “Cambridge or Boston?” he asked. Walker was looking at me. I had less than no answer for him.
“Boston. Let us out on the next block,” Walker said. Toby turned the car and drove a few hundred feet. He let us out right near The Clarendon Cafe, a place I knew I’d had a great breakfast once. I stared at the sign blankly as Walker dragged me out of the car.
“Toby. Keep the car,” Walker told him.
“Are you kidding?” he asked.
“No. But sell it. Like right now,” Walker said. “It’s not safe.” He smacked the side of the BMW. “Go,” he said. “And thank you.”
Toby took off and Walker hailed the next taxi that drove by.
“Where you goin’, Mister,” the driver said disinterestedly. He didn’t seem to care that I was catatonic and Walker was wild-eyed and sweating.
“Logan,” Walker said. “My friend here has a flight to catch.”
* * *
MY PHONE WAS BUZZING, but I wasn’t looking at it. Walker grabbed it after it went off for the tenth time, while we were sitting in the never-ending traffic in the never-ending tunnel that lead to Logan Airport.
Nicole r u okay? It was a text from David. Walker snorted as he read it; he held it up for me so I could see. I looked at it and then looked at him. I could feel the slackness in my face, the pounding in my temples. The only thing that was real to me, that I wanted to be real to me right now, was Walker. I scooted over closer to him and buried my face in his chest. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t say anything. If I cried or if I said anything then what had happened would be true. If I just stayed close to Walker, he would be the only real thing.
The phone buzzed again. Where r u, read the text.
“What do you want to tell him?” Walker asked.
“Give me the phone,” I said, monosyllabically. I called him.
He answered before the phone even rang. “Nicole?”
“What do you want,” I said, flatly.
“You’re alive! You’re okay! Thank God!” he cried.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I asked, finding my inner animation. I sat up, shaking. “Mandy is dead. She is dead because of me. Because you wanted me in that car. You wanted me in that ca
r and you wanted to kill me!” Now I was screaming, shaking all over, and the taxi driver finally looked back at us in the rearview mirror with mild interest.
“Nicole, don’t be crazy,” David said. “I’m so sorry this happened. Poor Mandy…”
“Fuck off, David,” I said, and clicked off the phone. I had no idea if this was David’s fault or if it wasn’t. But I knew it was his car, and his driver.
And Mandy was dead.
My phone buzzed two seconds later. Walker has to come back in, he wrote. Cannot violate house arrest order.
I held the phone up and showed it to Walker. He read it and then turned to look out the window, holding me closely to him.
“Are you okay?” he asked me, clutching me, still staring out the window.
“No,” I said, because I wasn’t.
“Yes,” I said, because I was lucky to be alive and I knew it.
“No,” I said, finally making up my mind. I would probably never be okay again; the crushing weight of the guilt I was going to feel about Mandy hovered just above me, but I couldn’t feel it. Not yet. I must be in shock. I paused for a beat. “Are you? Okay?” I asked.
He pulled me closer and clenched his jaw. He turned to look down at me and I could see the despair on his face, the horror. “I can honestly say I have never been less okay in my whole life.” He kissed the top of my head. “That girl is dead. That girl is dead and it’s horrible, but it could have been you, Nic. It was supposed to be you.” He raised my chin with his fingers so we were eye level. “Of all of the horrible things I have done in my life, this has got to be worst. I put your life at risk. That girl is dead because of me.”
He kissed me once, briefly. “That was almost you, and that’s unacceptable to me, Nicole. You’re the one thing in my life that actually makes sense. You’re the only person left that I believe in.”
He clutched me to him and crushed his lips into the top of my head. I heard his breath catch, like he might be sobbing. “I love you, Nicole,” he said. “And putting you at risk is the worst, most selfish thing I’ve ever done. I will never forgive myself for what I’ve done to you.”