"Why are we stopping here, Neil?" she asked curiously as he pulled her toward the house. "I thought you were taking me home."
A slight breeze ruffled his thick brown hair, and he grinned openly at her. "How would you feel about calling this place home?" Pulling her toward the front door, he laced his fingers through hers.
Stunned, Jenna turned slightly to stare over his shoulder. Her gaze encompassed the house and surrounding expanse of lawn before she turned her tentative look on him.
"Well, don't you have anything to say?"
A niggling feeling of suspicion traced its way up her spine. "Neil," she began, "are you trying to tell me—
"I bought this place?" he finished for her, smiling. "Not exactly, but I think we should think seriously about it. Even the location is perfect—halfway between Houston and Galveston. It's no more than a thirty-minute drive to work for either of us." He grabbed her hand and pulled her along behind him. "Come on, I'll give you the grand tour."
Jenna was speechless as he produced a key and led her through the house, exclaiming delightedly over the extensive use of wood and brick throughout, the polished oak parquet floors, the crisp starched curtains hanging at the windows. When they were standing in what Neil informed her was the master bedroom, he wrapped an arm around her and tipped her face up to his. "Tell me the truth now. Do you like it?"
"I—I love it," she told him breathlessly. "But I had no idea—"
"I know." His mouth curved in a self-satisfied smile. "I wanted to surprise you. You don't mind, do you?"
"Mind! How could I mind living in this lovely home?" Her fingers traced his cleanly shaven jaw. "You're a treasure, Neil. You know that, don't you?"
He laughed and pressed a kiss in the palm of her hand before his eyes roamed around the room. "You're the one who's a treasure. I wish I'd found you years ago. Long before I ever met Anna." He shook his head. "Marrying her was the worst mistake of my life. Thank God the marriage lasted only two years."
Jenna smiled. "Marrying her was probably the only mistake you've ever made in your life," she teased gently. "And you did find the perfect woman eventually."
"A woman after my own heart," he said, looking down at her. "Just as dependable, efficient, stable and practical—"
"As you are," Jenna finished, laughing. "I've never been much of a believer in the theory that opposites attract."
Neil drew her body firmly against his. "We are a lot alike, you know. Anna used to prattle on incessantly. I think your reserve was one of the first things that attracted me to you."
"I didn't think you even noticed," she recalled dryly. "The night we met you were too busy talking about the job offers you'd had and which one you were going to accept."
His smile was a little sheepish. "What can I say? I was fresh out of law school and I guess it went to my head."
On reflection, she could see why. Neil had worked hard for his law degree. His parents had farmed a small piece of land in west Texas that had seen drought after drought for many a year, and his childhood hadn't been the easiest. After a stint in the military, Neil had been nearly twenty-six before he'd been able to scrape up enough money even to begin college. But despite juggling his classes with a full-time job, he had graduated from law school with honors. As a result, he'd had offers from several prestigious law firms. He had finally accepted a position as legal counsel for Citizens for Texas, a watchdog land conservation group that had become a force to be reckoned with during the past two years.
"You told me once you thought I was rather standoffish," she remembered suddenly.
"You do come across that way at times," he said, raising an eyebrow. "You're not shy, just rather conservative. Not that there's anything wrong with that." A rare twinkle appeared in his eyes. "But I certainly never thought I'd have an Amazon in my bed."
She smiled in spite of herself. "You may never have one in your bed if you keep this up," she warned him with mock severity. Neil was usually so serious and businesslike; she enjoyed the few times he teased her. But the fact that she didn't wear her heart on her sleeve was no indication that her feelings weren't as strong as the next person's. And as for her height, she was tall for a woman—five-nine in her bare feet. Secretly she was glad she didn't have the large bone-structure that sometimes went hand in hand with such height in a woman. As a child, she'd hated towering over her schoolmates, boys and girls alike. It wasn't until Jenna was thirteen, when her mother finally convinced her to throw back her shoulders and make the most of her slender gracefulness, that she'd gotten over her self-consciousness. And, she had to admit, it was certainly no liability for a nurse to have a strong back.
She lifted her hands to Neil's shoulders and glanced up at him. "When Mother and I were shopping today, I found the most fantastic wedding dress at Neiman-Marcus." Touching her lips gently to his, she smiled up at him. "You should see it, Neil—yards and yards of ivory satin and lace, a high Victorian neckline..."
A half smile tipped his lips. "Are you trying to tell me I'm marrying an old-fashioned girl?"
"I thought I was marrying an old-fashioned guy," she retorted pertly.
"You are." Gently he untangled her arms from around his neck. "Come on, I'll show you the rest."
There were four bedrooms upstairs, a country-sized kitchen, very spacious living room and a small den downstairs. Though the house was old, it had obviously received a great deal of tender loving care.
"Has it been on the market long?" she asked as they stepped into the dining room. Her voice bounced off the walls of the empty room.
Neil shook his head. "The owner was transferred out of state. I don't think it will take long to sell once it goes into multiple listing. Mark Henderson tipped me off about it."
"Mark?" She glanced over in surprise. A big, sandy-haired man with a booming voice, he was an acquaintance of Neil's. "I thought he was an insurance salesman."
Neil nodded. "He's taken up real estate on the side." Blue eyes alight, he clasped both her hands in his. "Well, what do you think? Should we buy it?"
Jenna frowned. "What about the price?" she asked cautiously. "You're not a struggling young attorney anymore, but can we afford it?"
A faint line appeared between his eyebrows. "You said it yourself, Jenna. I'm not a struggling young attorney. Do you think I'd even consider it if I thought it was beyond our reach?"
It was, she decided, a silly question, after all. Neil was perhaps the most organized person she had ever known, always planning ahead. Her smile reappeared. "Does that mean no more peanut butter sandwiches for lunch?"
He seemed to relax. "No more peanut butter sandwiches," he assured her, then kissed her briefly on the mouth. "The owners are eager to sell and they're asking less than market value. I think we could make this place a home, Jenna." Slipping an arm around her narrow waist, he walked her into the living room, glanced sideways at her and said lightly, "I can see it already—coming home from the office into your arms, the smell of fresh-baked bread drifting through from the kitchen, the pitter-patter of little feet upstairs—"
"Whoa!" Jenna wrinkled her nose at him. "I might be a little old-fashioned, but homemade bread? Not unless you'd like a few broken teeth. Yeast and I just don't get along. And as far as the pitter-patter of little feet..." She shook her head. "There's no hurry, remember? We've already decided to put that off for a while."
"I know. But I've been thinking." He gave a shrug. "We've got money in the bank and we're financially able to support a child. Why wait?"
Jenna stared up at him for a few seconds before gently pulling away from his arms. "But we already agreed," she protested. "We were going to wait at least a year."
Neil frowned. "What's the matter, Jenna? I thought you liked children."
She half turned away from him, aware of the displeasure in his tone. "I do," she said earnestly, then hesitated. "But there's plenty of time—"
"This is the perfect time." Neil's face softened as he caught her by the shoulders and tu
rned her to face him. "And how are perfect in every way for me, Jenna. You'll be a perfect wife, a perfect mother." He bent to take her lips in a brief kiss. "That's why I'd like to buy this place. My apartment in Houston is no place to bring up a child. Here he or she will have room to run, room to grow."
Jenna grew suddenly stiff in his arms. "You want to buy this house because you think it's the perfect place to bring up a child? I thought you wanted it for us."
The minute the words were out of her mouth she realized how selfish they sounded. But Neil didn't seem to notice.
"I do. For all of us. And now that I've been giving it some serious consideration, I like the idea of having a child right away. After all, I'm a man on his way up and I won't be at Citizens for Texas forever. And I have an idea being a family man could be a big plus for my career."
"A man on his way up..." Jenna could hardly believe what she was hearing. His tone was matter-of-fact, but laced with a touch of something she found oddly disturbing. "I thought you liked your job," she said slowly. "I thought you believed in what Citizens for Texas stands for. Environmental law is your specialty."
"That's not the point, Jenna." There was a slight tinge of exasperation in his voice. "The experience has been invaluable, but who says I have to be locked in to one organization for the rest of my life? In fact, I've been putting out a few feelers lately and it looks as if I might be in hot demand. We're going places, lady!" he said almost gleefully. "I have big plans, Jenna. Plans for me, plans for you, plans for us." His blue eyes gleamed as he squeezed her waist and grinned down at her.
Jenna felt almost sick. There was nothing wrong with a little ambition. After all, Neil had had so little as a child and he'd come such a long way. But she couldn't shake the feeling that he was being greedy, that he wanted too much too soon. She had to struggle to find her voice. "And those plans include starting a family right away?"
"The sooner the better. In fact, even six weeks is too long to wait." His expression changed as he bent to take her lips in a hungry kiss. "I wish we were getting married tomorrow," he whispered against her mouth. "And don't say you weren't warned—I don't intend to let you out of bed for an entire week after we're married."
And that should accomplish what he wanted quite effectively, Jenna reflected with some resentment. Unable to feel her usual tingling response at his touch, she pulled away from him to gaze out the window. Darkness was settling, and pink and purple clouds hovered on the horizon. Love and family and children were what marriage was all about, so why was she feeling such a burning sense of betrayal? Neil was a strong-principled man, staunch and firm in his beliefs. He was close to his parents and two sisters, perhaps not as close as she was to her mother and father, but they kept in touch and spent many holidays together. And yet... here he was talking about making a home, having children and his career in the same breath.
She clenched her hands. She was overreacting, she told herself frantically. Putting too much into his words, looking beyond them. But that didn't explain her strange reaction to the mention of a baby so soon in their future.
Jenna's skin grew cold and clammy. Suddenly she knew what was behind this vague feeling of doubt she was experiencing, and it could be summed up in a word.
Robbie.
"Jenna, what's wrong?"
She could feel Neil's puzzled look on her face and shook her head quickly. There were some things better left unsaid and—God, but she hated to think it forgotten. Buried in the past, where they belonged.
She forced a smile. "Nothing. Nothing at all."
And she went through the evening with a curious feeling of hope in her heart—hope that the matter would work itself out and things could go back to the way they were before. But it was a sense of blighted hope, as she soon discovered.
They had finally agreed to put off making a decision about the house and give it a little more thought, but again and again over the next three days she recalled his wish for a child, and soon the words hung over her like an oppressive shroud. He wanted a family right away. Regardless of Robbie, regardless of Neil's reasons, the idea shouldn't have bothered her so much. They had discussed children soon after their engagement six months ago, and she'd known the first time they'd touched on the subject that she was going to have to deal with it eventually. But now that the prospect was baldly staring her in the face, she was aware of a nagging restlessness inside her, and she wasn't sure why.
Still, she tried to delude herself. She even tried to picture herself as the mother of Neil's child. Would he or she have Neil's rich brown hair with her green eyes? Or would he have her dark hair and Neil's blue eyes? Or would their child be a carbon copy of him—or her?
But that was when the trouble really started, because no matter how many times she tried to envision herself with a baby in her arms—Neil's baby—all she could see was another.
She drew a deep, unsteady breath as she continued to gaze vacantly at the Gulf. There would come a day when she could remember Robbie without this hurting, empty ache inside, but when? When?
She couldn't hide things from Neil any more than she could continue to deceive herself, and the matter had finally come to a head a few hours ago. Neil had come for dinner, and it was after they had cleared the table that he drew her down beside him on the couch.
His fingers slid beneath her hair to knead the taut muscles of her shoulders. "Something's bothering you, Jenna," he remarked softly. "Tell me what's wrong."
Jenna sat silent for a long time, her fingers clasped tightly in her lap. For an instant she considered telling him the truth—"the whole truth, nothing but the truth." The phrase rang like a death sentence through her mind. Still, given the same set of circumstances again, she knew she'd have done exactly the same thing as she'd decided before. But would Neil understand? Would he forgive her? Yet what was there to forgive? She'd done nothing wrong; she had nothing to be ashamed of. She had given two people what they had desperately longed for, all they'd ever wanted in the world, and it was a gift more precious than gold.
She had once promised herself there would be no regrets, no dwelling on the past or on what might have been.
"You've been acting strangely ever since I showed you the house." Despite his soothing touch on the muscles of her shoulders, there was a trace of impatience in his voice. "I thought you liked it."
A sigh escaped her lips and she smiled weakly. "I love the house, Neil."
When she hesitated, he pressed on. "Then what is it?" His eyes on her averted profile, he frowned, and then comprehension suddenly dawned. "It's what I said about having a baby, isn't it?"
Jenna nodded, then hesitated. "I'm not sure we should rush into it right away," she said slowly. "It would be nice to have some time to ourselves for a while."
"We've known each other for two years already, Jenna," he reasoned calmly. "And we'd have almost another year even if you got pregnant right away."
She turned away from his eyes, unable to bear his piercingly direct regard. Somehow she realized she'd secretly been nursing the hope that his desire to have a baby so soon was perhaps a moment of whimsy, a fanciful notion. After all, they'd been standing in what he hoped to see as their home, looking into the future.
She shifted uneasily on the cushions. "Yes, that's true, but..." She stopped, unsure of what she wanted to say, unsure of what was driving her. She and Neil were about to start a life together. Why was she suddenly plagued by doubt and senseless fears? What was wrong with her?
"I don't think you realize how strongly I feel about this, Jenna," he told her with a hint of obstinacy. "So I'd like to have a baby. What's the problem?"
"That's all well and good, Neil," she said in a carefully neutral tone. "But you seem to be forgetting I have a voice in this, as well."
Neil drew back from her abruptly. "I'm not trying to force you into anything," he said coldly. "But I'm thirty-six years old. I want to have a family while I'm young enough to enjoy it. I want to be able to run and play with my c
hildren—I don't want to be resigned to sitting on the sidelines because I'm too damned old to have a little fun."
Jenna prickled like a cat at his sharp tone. "You're exaggerating," she countered swiftly. "You're as fit as any twenty-year old—and you're making it sound as if you're about to fall over dead any day now!"
His mouth tightened angrily. "I suppose it never occurred to you that not only would I like to be around for my children, but I'd like to be here to see my grandchildren, too!"
Her lips puckered with annoyance, she stared at him as he paced around the room. He was being completely unreasonable—wasn't he? How many couples did she know who elected to have a baby right after they were married? Surely not many. If it happened, more than likely the baby was on the way before they were married. If only he hadn't mentioned that a family could be a boon to his career. If only...
But suddenly she realized she was only making excuses. No matter what his reasons, she should have had no reservations about carrying Neil's baby, whether it was now or ten years from now. Creating a child together was the ultimate expression of love between a man and a woman, wasn't it? The thought of having Neil's child should have held no doubts, no uncertainties, but—God help her—it did. And she didn't know why.
She knew only that in some twisted, jumbled way deep in her soul it had something to do with Robbie. She closed her eyes as a feeling of hopelessness rose inside her.
"Well, don't you have anything to say?"
Jenna flinched at Neil's angry bark, opening her eyes to stare at him. His arms were crossed over his chest. She could see frustration warring with anger in his dark blue eyes, and something else, as well. The harsh and implacable look she detected on his face stunned her.
Her mind whirled giddily. She had the strangest sensation that she was seeing him for the first time...and he wasn't the earnest, thoughtful man she had come to know at all, but a stubborn one. Unyielding. She felt helpless, suddenly drained, suddenly. .. so very empty inside.
Slowly she shook her head, her eyes dark and cloudy as she looked at him. "I'm sorry, Neil," she said quietly. "But this is something I'll have to work out for myself."
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