“Why’d you make up that thing about the sperm donor?”
My jaw clenched, and I busied myself with refolding the dish towel. “That was pretty stupid, wasn’t it?”
He folded his arms, looked away, and for a second I thought he was going to run away again. “You know how embarrassing that was? Like all the kids at school making fun of me for not having a dad?”
My throat felt like I’d swallowed a golf ball, and tears pricked my eyes. “I’m so sorry, baby. I didn’t know that. Kids can be so mean.”
“Yeah, well, you’re not the one who has to go to school with them.” Eugene bowed his head. “Mom? Is Jax really my dad?”
My heart sped up, my vision clouded. “Yes, baby, he is. Jax was the only person I had been with, so yes, he’s your dad without question.”
“Is he gonna start bossing me around?”
I smiled at my son. “No, your mom’s the only one who gets to do that.”
Eugene took a sip of cocoa. “Does he want to be my dad?”
“Well, this whole thing has come as a surprise to him. But, yes, he cares about you, and he’s your dad.” How could I assure Eugene that Jax would be a good father? The man was a stranger to him. “He’s a good man. I’m sorry I lied to him. And to you.”
“Mom, why didn’t you tell me Tyler was my uncle?”
A shock sliced through me. Of course he knew about Tyler. He’d read my journal, and probably googled him. I stood up and drifted over to the kitchen window, eyeing my bong on the kitchen counter then sat down again. “Because, honey, that would’ve led to questions about … Oh, baby, I messed up bad.”
“But I never got to meet him.”
“I know, sweetheart. Can you forgive me?”
“And now he’s dead.”
I raced to his side and took his face in my hands, wanting to shield Eugene from pain. “Sweetie, I know. It’s awful. Sometimes things happen in life that none of us can explain.”
Eugene pulled away from my touch. “What was he like?”
I sat down and moved my chair so that our knees were touching. He let me take his hands, and I searched his eyes. “He was talented, polite, funny, and kind of shy. Just like you, he never went anywhere without his guitar.”
“Did you keep in touch with him?”
I looked down at my lap. “No, I didn’t. Want to hear something funny? When you were born, I couldn’t get over how much you looked like him.”
“I do?”
“Take a look in the mirror.”
“Think I’ll ever play the guitar as good as him?”
“Sweetheart, I think you’ll be even better. You’ve got some great DNA.”
He put his head down, and a tiny tear escaped and fell in my lap. “Mom, are you gonna die?”
My son was hurting. I had hurt Eugene. Everything was my fault. A chill shot through me, and a moan escaped my lips. How could I make his pain disappear? I couldn’t. I wanted to grab my bong and inhale as many tokes as it took to numb the pain. I wanted to pour myself a big glass of poppy seed tea and float away to another world that didn’t include the pain I’d caused.
I had lied to him. How long did I think I could hide the truth? Forever? I would do anything to make him smile again. To make him feel secure.
I looked out the window at a world filled with life, birds singing, clouds floating, and took a deep breath. “I’m doing everything I can to keep that from happening.” I faced him and held both his hands in mine. “I will do everything to be here and be your mom. Because being your mom is the best thing I’ve ever done in my life.” And then I told him about the Trinity program and that I’d be going to Mexico in the next few weeks. I didn’t want to get anyone’s hopes up, but I said, “The program has a pretty high success rate.”
“Can I stay with Nelson?” he said.
“If his mom and dad say it’s okay, sure. I’ll talk to them, honey.”
“Mom,” he said, looking up at me with that face that I had loved every single moment for the past thirteen years. “Can Jax teach me and Nelson how to surf?”
Maybe things would be okay. I smiled a big smile and hugged my son. “I guess I owe you a little fun, don’t I? Okay, I suppose we could work something out. But only if I get to watch from the beach.”
Eugene’s face shifted. The dark clouds that had covered his features slowly cleared. “Mom, are you and Jax gonna get married? Like, are you in love?”
The laugh that erupted from my mouth was shrill. “Oh, I don’t want to rush in to anything.” A flush crept across my cheeks. “I do care about Jax. A lot. I don’t know what’s going to happen. Is that okay for now?”
“I guess so.” A small smile escaped his lips, and my body flooded with relief. “Can I eat now?”
I pointed to the plate in front of him. “Eat up. Your mom still gets to make sure you clean your plate.”
He tore into his food while I sipped herbal tea. When he was done, he hopped up, gave me a quick peck on the cheek, and raced into his room.
I collapsed back in my chair, feeling like all the pent up demons of the past thirteen years were slowly being exorcised. Everything was finally out in the open.
I reached for my bong then set it aside. Maybe I didn’t need to numb myself. Maybe things would be okay.
Eugene
The day I found out I had a dad, Nelson came over after school so we could practice guitar. He’d finally gotten that totally sweet Fender Jazz Bass and we were learning a new song.
“Your mom just about had a coronary when you left,” he said when he walked into my room and jumped on the bed with a box of cheese crackers. “Shit, if that was me, I can guaran-fucking-tee you that my dad wouldn’t let me have friends over for the rest of my life.”
“Well, my mom’s being extra nice to me right now,” I said, wishing that things could go back to normal. Whatever that was.
“Yeah? How come?” He jammed a handful of crackers into his mouth.
“Kind of a long story, but can you keep a secret?” He nodded his head. And I told him about Jax being my dad.
I thought Nelson’s eyes were going to pop right out of his head as I told him about the letter and the fact that my mom and Jax’d had sex when they were younger.
“No fucking way, dude,” he said, leaning forward. “You sure they’re not making this up?”
“Pretty sure.”
He jumped up off the bed and started pacing the room. “This totally rocks! You know how lucky you are? Holy shit, you got a dad who’s a pro-surfer, and he’s got all kinds a cool boards, and he drives a truck, and he’s gonna teach us to surf.” Nelson stopped pacing and stood in front of me. “He’s gonna teach us to surf, right? You know you gotta tell your mom that since he’s your dad and all … Fuckin’… no fucking way … dude, this is the craziest thing I’ve ever heard. Ever.”
“My mom said he’d teach us. Guess that’s pretty cool, huh?”
Nelson jumped on the bed. “Radical! You and me are gonna rip it up out there.”
Nelson could barely contain his excitement as I told him about the four buses I’d taken to get to Half Moon Bay and how my mom had let me stay home from school that day and how nice Jax and my mom were being to me. I didn’t say how stressed out I was about my mom because I was worried I’d cry about it. But I did tell him about that remedy or whatever it was she was trying.
“Jax has to go to Mexico with my mom for some cure thing she’s doing. Gonna be gone a couple of weeks. Maybe my mom’ll let me stay with you if your dad says it’s okay.”
He clapped his hands together. “We’ll talk ’em into it. Dude, you gotta take advantage of everything. This is your chance, you lucky freak show.”
I didn’t feel lucky, but what was I supposed to do?
“Does this mean they’re gonna be kissing and junk?”
“I don’t know.” Jeez, I hoped not.
Nelson grabbed the box of crackers, sprang onto the bed, stuffed a handful in his mouth, and munch
ed while he thought. “You know what this means? Your mom had sex with Jax. That is totally gross.”
I didn’t want to be reminded of that, but knowing Nelson, he’d never let me forget.
“What a flippin’ head trip, dude.”
I glared at him.
“Just messing with you. Wish I had a dad like Jax.”
I grabbed my guitar.
“Let’s practice,” I said to my best friend.
“Then can we go surfing?”
I grinned. “Like you said, I’m one lucky freak show. Yeah, we’ll talk to Jax later.”
I had a dad. How totally freaking bizarre.
Holly
Jax had been gone well over a week. When he called that afternoon, his distant tone set off danger bells. I’d just gotten home from work and had shed my business attire in favor of running clothes when the phone rang. Seeing his name on my caller ID and the photo of him emerging from the ocean with his surfboard tucked under his arm, my scalp prickled.
I snatched up the phone. “Hello?”
“Hey Holly.”
I sat on the edge of my sofa. “Jax! How’s your friend?” I leaned back on the sofa, legs crossed, and tried to force myself to relax, but I couldn’t stop my foot from swinging nervously. Dammit, I liked this guy too much.
He let out a long sigh. “Not good. In fact, that’s what I’m calling to tell you. She needs me to stay and help her—”
My leg stopped swinging. “With what?”
He cleared his throat. “Holly, she’s really bad off with her health.” His voice became low. “And I’ve been helping her with Eugene.”
“Who’s Eugene?” I asked.
“Her son.”
“Oh.” I said. “So, when are you coming home?” I didn’t want to sound weak, and those words sounded pathetic the second they rushed out of my mouth.
“That’s just it. I don’t think it’s going to be any time soon. Rosalyn needs help around here, and I’m taking her to … Well, I’ll be taking her to her next treatment, which is at a clinic in Mexico.”
“Mexico! Jax, why is she going to Mexico? Is that safe? And why do you need to go?”
“Because, they only accept patients who have a companion, someone who can stay at the clinic with them for the two weeks.”
“But what about—” I wanted to say, what about us? “What about your life here?” I stood up so fast I felt dizzy. I paced the room, tugging at a few strands of hair. “Are you coming back soon?”
He laughed, a low laugh. “Well, let’s see, I lost my sponsorship, so I don’t really need to check in with Mystic Seaweed. Butch is taking over surf lessons at the shop for now.”
“When will I see you again?” I had a right to ask that, didn’t I?
I stopped pacing and listened intently to the tone of his voice. Jax said, “I’ll make it to Laguna Beach before we leave for Mexico. I’m thinking in the next few days. Would that work for you?”
“Well, yeah, I’ll be here.” I wanted to scream, Do you miss me?
His voice was shaky when he said, “Holly, I’m sorry this trip turned out the way it did. I mean, with what happened to Butch and then my family friend … Whole thing came as kind of a shock seeing as we hadn’t seen each other for so many years. But she was such good friends with my mom and was there when the accident that killed my folks happened and ….” He took a deep breath. “She doesn’t have anyone to help her with the treatment in Mexico.”
Did this friend really have no one else? I collapsed into a chair, and the pups both ran up to me with their tails wagging. I scooped up Dinah and hugged her to me. “Can’t someone else help her?”
“She needs my help,” he said.
I set Dinah down, let out an exhale, and changed the subject. “I’m sure she’s happy to have your help. How’s Butch?”
“He’s fine. The guy’s strong as an ox. And you know, he’s got one heck of a crush on the doctor who treated him at Stanford. He’s going to ask her out.”
I laughed. “Long distance? That sounds fun. Kind of a fantasy relationship.”
“Geographically undesirable is what it is.” Jax’s voice brightened. “You should’ve seen the way he salivated over her.”
I bit my lip. “She must be something else.”
“I suppose she’s cute,” he said. “Hey, how are the pups?”
“The puppies are fine.” In the background I heard kids and music playing. Suddenly, I felt very alone.
Jax said, “Well! Then, I’ll see you in a few days.”
I chewed at my fingernail. “Sounds good.”
“So, how about I call you tomorrow?”
“Fine.”
We mumbled a few closing statements and hung up. Something was definitely off in Jax’s voice.
I didn’t like feeling powerless. I was used to getting what I wanted in life. I’d always been a top salesperson, and in romantic affairs. Was Jax going to break up with me? I was the one who did the breaking up, not the other way around.
I stood up, my spine straight, and ran fingers through my hair. No way was Jax going to hurt me. Who the hell did he think he was? Was he cheating on me? Stalking into the kitchen, I poured myself a hefty glass of wine, stormed out to my backyard, sat in my lounge chair and called Stan.
“Hey bud, what’s up?” he said.
I practically breathed fire into the phone. “You ready for this one? I think my Prince Charming is getting ready to give me the ax,” I said through gritted teeth.
“No way. What happened?”
“It’s not anything that happened; it’s more like what’s not happening.”
“Is he still in Santa Cruz?”
“Yep.” My fist clenched into a ball. “He says he’s got to take this old friend of his, whoever she is, to treatment in Mexico, which means he’ll be gone for at least a few more weeks.”
“Who is this friend again?”
“Somebody who knew his mom and family? I don’t know.”
“I think it’s nice of him to help her out,” Stan said. “Sounds like he’s doing the right thing.”
“Maybe. But what the hell, Stan? I thought his loyalties were here.” I took a long pull on my wine, but it did nothing to quell my anxiety.
“So he’s helping her. He’ll be done with it soon then back in your bed, just like you wanted. What else did he say?”
“He’s planning to come see me in the next few days.”
“There you go. I’m sure everything will be fine. Why do you sound so upset?”
I slowed my breathing down. “It was more the tone of voice he used when we talked on the phone just now.” I didn’t want to tell Stan about my little obsession with that Olivia person. “He didn’t want to sex talk with me the way he usually does, and he sounded off.”
Stan chuckled. “Give the guy a break. Not every conversation has to be about sex.”
I crossed and uncrossed my legs. “This is exactly the reason I haven’t gotten involved with anyone. God damn it! Why did I let myself get so attached to him? Why the hell did I let Jax get under my skin this way?”
I hadn’t realized my voice had raised so much until Stan said, “Holly, calm down. You’re making a big deal out of nothing. Why are you overreacting?”
My body was rigid, and I looked down to notice that I’d eased myself to the edge of the lawn chair, my body perched and ready for flight. I collapsed back into the chair. “You’re right. I’m sure everything will be fine.”
“Listen to me, Holly. If I learned anything from Tatyana, it was to go slow in relationships. At least you guys aren’t married or living together like we were. Do you have any idea how it feels to know that I was the one who brought that crazy lady into the States? Don’t tell me about your insecurities. And I think Jax has been pretty darn accommodating seeing as you knew Tatyana.” Stan sighed heavily. “Give the poor guy a break. He sounds like a good man. So what if things don’t work out with you two? At least you opened your heart.”
Remembering everything Stan had been through with that psycho Ukrainian made me put things in perspective. Matrix trotted to my side, and I pet his wiry fur. “You’re right. Thanks for talking me down.”
“Keep an open mind when Jax comes to town. Okay?”
I said I would. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong.
Jax
A couple of days after Eugene discovered that I was his dad, I stood in front of Rosalyn’s cottage, waxing my board, getting ready for a morning surf session. The phone rang. It was Butch.
“Yo.”
“Hey buddy, when you heading down south?” I had already told Butch about my decision to break up with Holly in person. I felt like a cad for not being more honest with her, and she deserved an in-person conversation.
“Probably tomorrow.” I kneeled in the grass next to my board, watching the Pleasure Point surfers heading down the stairs to the ocean.
“You’re doing the right thing,” he said.
I trailed a bar of surf wax along my surfboard. “Breakups suck.”
“You’d know better than me.” His voice softened. “You thought you could have something with her. I did too.”
I thought of Holly and the way we’d become friends and lovers. We’d dated for around four months and I really thought that once I quit the escort business I could have an honest to goodness relationship with her. Remembering the way we’d surf, drink red wine, get a little tipsy then look into each other’s eyes—sometimes not even making it to her bedroom before I’d fuck her against the wall, her legs wrapped around my waist—made me smile. “I don’t want to hurt her.”
“Comes with the territory, I suppose. You’ll find the right words when you talk to her.” A pause. “Thank God she didn’t find out about your side job. What’s going on with that?”
I let out a heavy exhale. “I’m calling Sandy today, breaking the whole thing off.”
He let out a low whistle. “Man, you get all the fun. Two breakups for the price of one. Think she’ll understand?”
Waves of Desire: Pleasure Point Series Book Three Page 13