by Coralee June
“Well, I stopped by because I know a couple that would be absolutely perfect for Hope, and I’m not just saying that because it’s my cousin and his husband.” She smiled while gauging my expression to see my reaction. “Of course, if you were planning on adopting her as your own, you can forget I said anything,” she quickly added.
I looked down at Hope and wondered what our lives would be like if I kept her with me. I knew that my new family would support us, but the idea of being a single mom in this crazy world was nerve-wracking. Besides, I felt too broken . I didn’t know if I was what Hope needed. I was still grieving my own upbringing, how could I focus on hers?
“I don’t think I’m what’s best for Hope right now,” I whispered, feeling selfish and self-centered. “I want to be in her life, but I think she deserves better.”
Hope had given up on the bottle and was starting to sleep. She gripped one of my long curls and yanked it; it was one of her favorite soothing mechanisms for drifting off into a peaceful nap.
“I think you’re right.” Mia shrugged. I appreciated her brash nature. “I know that you’re the type to feel obligated to care for her. I also think you’d give her a good life, but there are people out there that would love her just as much, minus the guilt and resentment. She needs a family, not a hero.” Mia plopped one of her dainty hands on my shoulders. Her words stung a little, but she was right. I wanted to love Hope’s place in my life, not resent her.
“Tell me about your cousin,” I said.
“Why don’t you come with me to the Scavenger village and meet him? See how he, his husband, and Hope get along first before bringing it up. I don’t want to get his hopes up if you decide that she should go elsewhere.”
“Okay, I’ll meet them,” I replied just as Hope spit up on me. I sighed.
We packed up Hope’s belongings, and I messaged all the guys on my tablet, telling them where Mia and I were going. Huxley immediately replied .
I’ll go with you.
I was shocked that he replied, let alone offered to accompany me.
I changed Hope’s clothes and cleaned up the last of the Clinic before Huxley arrived with Jacob. They both greeted Mia with short hugs before peering at me.
“You ready?” Jacob asked. I think he sensed my conflicted feelings the most.
“Let’s do this.”
To save us the walk, Huxley borrowed the community transport, and we were at the Scavenger village within a half hour. I was amazed by how quickly they had set up camp on the outskirts of Dormas and was happy to once again see their orange tents and playful children.
With sure steps, Mia led us to one of the tents. Hope wriggled in my arms with such force that on two occasions she almost fled from my arms.
“You got her?” Jacob asked with a smile.
“At least she’s not crying,” I replied with a shrug.
Mia whistled at a tent’s entrance, and after a brief pause, the door flap opened, revealing a very muscular man that looked to be even taller than Hux. He had blue tattoos in tribal designs all down his arms and a blue stripe in his shoulder-length white hair.
“Bowden! Mia’s here!” he yelled while hunching over to open the flap of the tent wider and exiting the tent. He was definitely taller than Huxley. “And she’s brought some guests!”
Soon, a slightly shorter but still impressive man also emerged from the tent. He had short white hair and piercing blue eyes. The designs on his arm were also blue.
“Mia!” the shorter man, who I assumed was Bowden, exclaimed. “What do we owe the pleasure? And you brought a baby!” he practically squealed. His deep voice went up an octave once he saw Hope wriggling in my tired arms.
“Bowden, Thurst, these are my friends,” Mia said while gesturing to us. “I was visiting with them and wanted to introduce you all. Besides, I know how much you love babies.” She smiled brightly at them.
The taller man, Thurst, bent over and looked at Hope with intense eyes. I waited for the inevitable wails to erupt from her tiny frame, but none came. Instead, she held out her hands for him to hold her.
“May I?” he asked.
“Of course,” I replied in a shaky voice. I was equal parts jealous and shocked by her immediate acceptance of him.
Huxley stood watch over all of us without saying a word, but Jacob quickly scrounged up some wood and got a fire roaring in the pit outside their tent. We all sat on benches as Thurst and Bowden took turns playing with Hope.
Bowden and Thurst complemented each other well, it was almost like they could speak telepathically. They moved in unison and anticipated each other’s needs.
“How did you two meet?” I asked. I wanted to know more about their relationship, and if there was room for Hope in their family.
“I was exiled from my camp. My brother won the leadership trials and decided I was too much of a threat to his position,” Thurst told me as Bowden grabbed his hand. “I never wanted to lead our camp, but I couldn’t argue. I traveled here because I heard rumors that they were accepting new members if they could fight”
“Naturally,” Mia interrupted, “our old leader had him compete against our best warrior, which at the time was Bowden.”
“At the time? I might be a bit older, but I can still kick your ass, Mia,” Bowden joked.
“It was the best fight I’ve ever seen! They were exact equals. Every movement. Every punch. It was incredible,” Mia said dreamily.
“He declared us both winners. And naturally, I gallantly offered to tend to Thurst’s injuries, because I’m selfless like that,” he said with a wink .
“I remember that. You sure took a long time in the medic tent,” Mia said with an eye roll.
“We’ve been together ever since,” said Bowden with a grin.
“Complete equals,” Thurst added.
I watched as they smiled at one another then directed their attention back to Hope. Bowden fed Hope with one of the bottles I brought as Thurst lovingly ran his fingers over her soft hair.
“Can I get you anything to eat?” Bowden asked while cooing at Hope. She soaked up his attention like a sponge and giggled back. It was so plain to see that the three of them were meant for each other.
“No, we actually must get back to Dormas soon,” I said with a sigh. The sleepless nights from the past week were wearing me down, and it felt like anvils were on my eyelids. I noticed Thurst and Bowden’s shoulders slump. They were truly enjoying their time with Hope.
“You all are welcome to come back anytime, and please bring Hope. You have such a beautiful daughter,” Thurst said. He gripped Bowden’s knee, and I saw how much they craved a family.
“Actually, I recently rescued Hope. Her mother passed away. We’ve been searching for a suitable family for her,” I said, hoping that they would both catch on to my hint.
Like flashes of lightning they both exchanged quick glances before speaking at once.
“Oh we would simply love— ”
“If you are still seeking a family— ”
They spoke over one another and started stuttering under the excitement. Hope giggled once again. Bowden placed a firm hand on Thurst’s knee and nodded.
“If you are still looking for a family for Hope, we would absolutely love the opportunity. We’ve been together ten years and think it’s time for our family to grow,” Thurst said with glistening eyes.
“I think Hope would love that very much,” I said with a tentative smile. Bowden leaped from the log he was sitting on and tackled me in a hug .
“Thank you, thank you,” he said over and over through happy tears. His sincere joy caused my own eyes to water, and I wondered what my life would have been like had a couple like Bowden and Thurst adopted me.
“I’d still like to be a part of her life, if you’ll have me of course,” I said shyly. I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned to see Huxley’s silent figure looming over me.
“Of course,” Thurst immediately replied while happily bouncing Hope on his kn
ee.
We unloaded all of Hope’s clothes and gear, minus the crib. I assumed that, one day, Kemper would want his own child to use the cradle his grandfather once carved. Thurst and Bowden said goodbye to us with tears streaming down their faces, and Mia stayed behind to help them get settled.
“That was a good thing you did back there,” Jacob said while sliding his hand in mine.
“I did nothing,” I replied with a shrug. Huxley began to take large strides ahead of us towards the transport, distancing himself from us as quickly as possible. Jacob noticed Huxley’s rough attitude, and after kissing the top of my hand, he ran to the transport and got in before locking the door. He rolled down the windshield just as I walked up to it.
“The two of you need to talk, and I’m not unlocking the door until you do,” Jacob said while rolling the window back up. Huxley kicked the door with a growl, causing a dent to form.
“Cyler’s going to be mad you dented his transport,” I said. I sighed and sat down in the dirt. I didn’t have the energy to fight Jacob and his stupid plan. I wore exhaustion like a glove and wanted to get this over with. “Talk so we can go,” I added.
“I don’t know what you want me to say,” Huxley said with a huff. He crossed his arms over his chest and avoided looking at me.
“Say whatever is going to help you not look at me like I’m the worst thing you’ve ever seen,” I said. “It feels like you’re mad at me again.” I rubbed my sleepy eyes.
“I’m not mad at you.” He plopped down in the dirt beside me. “I’m mad at myself. I’m mad that my impulsiveness almost killed someone.” He threw a pebble off into the distance. I wondered if Jacob was listening.
“You were just doing what you’ve always done. You were protecting your community,” I said, trying to convince him that it wasn’t his fault. It was this crazy world we lived in. A world where we had to kill first, ask questions later. A single tear fell down my face, but I was too tired to wipe it away. Huxley turned his head and peered at me.
“If you weren’t there, Hope would have died,” he said. I felt empathetic towards all that plagued Huxley. “I would have released that fucking arrow and . . .” His voice trailed off into nothing, but I knew what he struggled to say.
“I couldn’t have done what you did either. It takes both sides of the coin, Hux.” The suffering Walker woman’s bloody face, and the sound of the arrow hitting her chest, pierced my mind as more tears fell.
“It’s all so fucked up.” He pulled a flask from his pants and took two large gulps. I heard the transport’s door open, and soon Jacob was sitting down beside me, too.
“Agreed,” I replied with mock confidence. We sat outside the transport for a while longer in silence. I mourned my parents, Hope’s mother, Josiah, and my childhood. I teetered along my breaking point. It felt like I was dancing on the edge of eternity.
I bottled up my scars, and we went back to the Black Manor.
Chapter Fifteen
I woke up in Cyler’s bed. His minty scent filled the air, and I struggled to pull myself out of the fog of tiredness that still clung to me. Sometime around six in the morning, Cyler’s bulky frame shimmied under the covers with me. He had worked all night at the mines, and I was comforted by his sleepy, fumbling hands that found me in the dark of the early morning.
It was ten when I finally pulled myself together enough to get out of bed. Cyler was already gone for the day, he slipped away after kissing me on the forehead about an hour ago. I couldn’t fathom how he and the others functioned on such little sleep. I endured one week of exhaustion and could barely stand up, how were they defending an entire province?
When I walked into the kitchen, I was greeted by the smell of bacon and Jacob’s perfect smile. I gently hugged him from behind while he cooked.
“Thanks for last night,” I groggily mumbled into his toned back while he flipped the bacon. He smelled like linen and coffee. He started swaying his hips and humming, forcing us to dance as he cooked .
“Huxley will go years without confronting his feelings if you don’t force him into a conversation,” he replied. The pop of bacon grease hit the back of my hand, and I released him.
“How did you both work through the Jules situation?” I asked timidly. I knew her betrayal and Huxley’s erratic fists were still a sore spot for them all.
Jacob tensed when I asked and focused on the food before speaking. “It took a while before I could talk. Maverick rushed me to a neighboring province to use their healing pod. My jaw and ribs were broken. I don’t even want to think about how much it cost him.” Jacob absentmindedly rubbed his jaw. “It’s hard to think of Huxley as the cause of that.”
“During my two weeks in the pod, Huxley went on a bender. He picked fights with the other miners, drank himself stupid, and a few other things he probably wouldn’t want me sharing with you.”
I imagined Huxley’s self-destructive behavior going into overdrive, and the image was painful to think about. I also hated to think of Jacob’s wounds. Two weeks in a healing pod meant that he sustained very extensive injuries.
“Do you . . .” I trailed off, unsure if I should ask, or if I could handle the answer. “Do you know why Huxley reacted the way he did? It just seems so irrational and out of character for him. He’s always three steps ahead of the rest of us.”
Jacob tensed up and looked at me with devastated eyes. “I don’t think that’s my story to tell, Ash.” I nodded in understanding. I wanted to know all the things that tormented them but knew when not to push.
“Anyway,” Jacob began again with a frown, “when I finally came to, the guys begged me to find Huxley and bring him back to his senses. I wandered around Dormas until I found him in the mines, drunk off his ass.” Jacob let out a light chuckle while turning off the burner and placing bacon, eggs, and toast on a white porcelain plate.
“I knew Huxley was punishing himself. He’s self-destructive by nature, so I just did the first thing that came to my mind. I punched him. Hard. It hurt me more than it hurt him probably. Poor guy was so drunk he couldn’t speak. I knew we couldn’t move past this unless I did that. We threw punches while the rest of the guys waited outside. We both ended up leaving the mines bloodied but laughing, and we haven’t brought it up since.”
“Men are so strange.” I sighed while popping a bite of eggs into my mouth.
“No,” Jacob began. He thrust out a thumb and wiped food from the corner of my lips. “Huxley is strange. I was more than happy to talk about my feelings and hold hands, or whatever it is normal people do, but that’s not what Huxley needed . He needed to feel like things were even between us. He needed someone to kick his ass. Even though punching him damn near broke my hand, I gave that to him because our friendship meant more to me than my anger.”
I watched Jacob with a slightly broader sense of understanding. Their group was his whole life. They meant more to him than his pain, his grief, and his anger.
“Did you ever allow yourself to feel angry, Jacob?” I asked. Jacob seemed to push down all his emotions, an impulse I could relate to lately.
“Of course. But I was more motivated by the fear of losing the only family I’ve ever known,” Jacob said while pushing away a completely cleared plate. He ate his breakfast fast and was happily leaning back in his chair despite the dark mood of our conversation.
“Everyone called her Momma Black—Cy’s Mom. She was just this extremely nurturing and selfless woman. Momma Black found me when I was four years old at the Train station. I—I don’t remember much before that,” Jacob said while looking at his hands. “I have these vague memories of my birth mom sneaking me onto a train to Dormas. I think she hoped I’d have better luck here than in the Zone. Momma Black took me in. Raised me like her own. Loved me until her death.”
I wished in that moment, that I could have met Momma Black. I desperately wanted to know the woman that shaped such strong and caring men.
“Cy, Maverick, Hux, Patrick, Kemper, and ev
en Jules are the only family I’ve ever known. I’d do anything to preserve that,” Jacob said. I noticed his eyes shimmering with emotion, and I tried not to feel jealous that Jules was included in that. I wanted to be his family.
But I knew that regardless of the vicious tendrils of jealousy, that this was a tight knit group. Even Jules had her place in their family dynamic, no matter how bratty she was. They were brought together by sadness and loss. Bonded by resilience.
“You’re a part of that too, Ash,” Jacob whispered before kissing my forehead. He grabbed my hands and pulled me up before guiding me towards the kitchen counter.
“The moment I saw you, I knew you were special,” he whispered while pushing me with his hips against the counter. My nightgown shimmied up, revealing more of my thighs and I bent my knee so that it was between Jacob’s legs.
“You feel it too, don’t you?” He reached behind me to grab a coffee cup and take a sip. He placed the cup back down on the granite countertop, and framed my body with his strong arms, locking me into his intense stare.
“Feel what?” I asked in a low tone. Each breath caused my chest to brush against his in teasingly slow strides. My nipples pebbled at the contact, and I cursed my thin nightgown.
“You feel like we’re on the cusp of something amazing. Like we’re all just waiting for someone to jump,” he whispered. I watched how his perfect and plump lips popped on the last word. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to know what it felt like to fall and be caught.
“Cy wanted you to visit the new school house,” he said before walking towards the sink. He started washing the dirty dishes. “I told him and Kemper you’d be by in a little bit. Wear your painting dress,” he said with a wink before walking away.
The school house was conveniently located near the General Store in the community center, so it was a fairly short walk. Originally, they had planned to turn the Walker Dorms into a school house, but suggested a building more centrally located, and Cyler readily agreed. The sun beat down on my bare, freckled shoulders. I wore my tan sleeveless dress with convenient pockets and an overabundance of paint splatters, displaying the many different projects I’ve worked on since moving to Dormas.