by Coralee June
"You okay?" Huxley asked in a gruff voice before stopping in front of me. I looked at what he was holding: a few canned goods and a hammer. Nothing we could really use but still something of worth.
"I know I didn't live here for long, but I’m still sad. I can't imagine how you feel." I rubbed my arm while looking around once more. Patrick set down some of his supplies next to me, then placed his hand at my chin, gently lifting my face up to meet his gaze.
"This could be a good thing," Patrick, ever the optimist, said. “We could build a giant mansion now. I’m thinking a huge kitchen so you could make cake all day.” At his words, my stomach grumbled. I’d been trying to ignore the hunger pains. The scarcity of food and other supplies made them heavily rationed so we had to be careful with how much we ate. He gave me a stern but playful look that told me he heard that then set the supplies in his arms on the ground before digging in the pocket of his cargo pants. He produced a handful of nuts and berries left over from our lunch earlier. I had seen him save them and now understood he was setting them aside for me.
“Eat,” he ordered while handing them out to me. I grabbed the handful and kissed his cheek in thanks.
Jacob walked towards us then looked at the ground where Patrick had discarded his stuff. The monotone voice from his mindspeak broke out against the silence. "That's seriously all that was left? We are definitely fucked."
Huxley reached around Patrick to flick Jacob on the ear. "Can you turn the thing off? We have to pretend at least to be optimistic here, man."
Jacob blushed slightly before reaching up to pull it from his ear, but I grabbed his wrist. I liked Jacob's unfiltered honesty. I preferred it to false promises. "Leave it on. You know I like hearing what you think," I said softly before throwing him a small smile.
"Come on," Cyler interrupted before Jacob’s mindspeak could respond to my declaration. "Let's go check out the old town before it gets dark. We’ll need to set up camp, and Ash needs to eat again." A part of me was tired of how much they kept fussing over me, but the other part appreciated Cyler's thoughtfulness.
They all started heading towards the transport where Jules and Tallis were already patiently sitting. I stayed behind for a moment longer, looking over the destruction while wondering where the people of Dormas were now. Had they died? Was anything really still the same?
After Cavil died, the riots started. At first, it was to overthrow his army, but then people stopped knowing what it was they were fighting for. They were mad. Mad at the empire. Mad at the powerful man that got us in this situation. Mad at the disease that had taken so many lives. Mad at the cure for its false promises. They went through mindless rage, burning everything in their path. And if the Walkers weren't wandering the streets of the empire, then the violent rioters were. It felt like there was nothing left but my men and me.
However, the worry on all of their faces told me that wasn't true. There were lots of enemies left. And now that word was out that Payne held the answer to our cure and that Maverick was probably the only man left alive smart enough to crack it, we had large targets over our head for the people still clinging to hope instead of their anger.
Kemper stayed next to me, running a hand through his blond hair while we both stared out one last time. We would rebuild. I knew we would. It just didn't make the hurt go away. Dormas represented my freedom. Dormas was my refuge from heartache—from my life of servitude. Dormas was where I found myself, and it was where I left my heart, too. It's where I broke it up into pieces and gave it away to six men.
But home wasn’t a place, it was people. If anything, this experience had taught me that.
Behind me, the transport door slammed shut, causing the noise to echo throughout the deserted town. I squeezed my eyes closed, the sounds reminding me of Cavil's bedroom. It didn't sound like bone crunching, but even the hint of violence brought my mind back to that place. A shiver traveled through my body, remnants of the adrenaline that once flooded through my system. I never thought I was capable of murder, never thought I was capable of such an act. And now my mind kept going back to that place, reliving the horrors of what I was capable of. Again, I didn't regret it. But I couldn't help but feel fearful of the girl that killed Commodore Cavil. She was strong, but she was mindless and angry. She didn't feel like me at all.
A hand grabbed my wrist and turned me into a hug. I was stiff with adrenaline and fear but quickly melted into the warmth of Kemper's embrace. He kept doing little things like this, bringing me out of these memories and comforting me with words of affirmation that I was still the girl he fell in love with. Kemper, my perfectionist. My fixer.
I wondered if he would still love me if he'd seen what I did.
"You're here. You're safe," he whispered over and over. I let him comfort me even though sometimes I wondered if I deserved it. I liked being affected by what I did. In some ways, although it tortured me, it still reminded me that I was alive. That I was human. I was thankful for my humanity because it showed me that I wasn't completely swallowed up by the rage I felt whenever I thought of the evil men that destroyed this empire and enslaved people.
"I love you, Kemp," I whispered.
"I love you too, Ash."
Chapter Two
The old town wasn’t quite what I remembered. Back when Cyler had taken me to see it, the place seemed run down. I was viewing it through the lens of someone that had the new Dormas to compare it to.
But now, I noticed that the bones of this town were excellent. There was a hidden optimism in the moss-covered brick and abandoned rooms. It was the things that looked the most beat down that brought the best hope. There was potential.
"It's still here," Jules said in shock. We had all filed out of the transport and were looking around, part of us not knowing where to start but also feeling thankful for something to do and a place to be.
Tallis pulled his white hair back into a ponytail and adjusted his shirt. He looked at Jules with a small smile, but it didn't quite meet his eyes. I wondered if he was worried about his people. I realized then that we should have offered to go see his old camp. It would take a good full day to get out there, but maybe some of his people fled to the familiarity of their former home. He took his job very seriously, and I was sure that not knowing where they were was worrying him.
"We should probably check for Walkers," Tallis said. Although we hadn’t seen any in Dormas, there was still a good chance that people camping out here could have gotten infected. Those infected with X were hit with random bursts of violence and agony. But sometimes misery congregated in groups. It was mostly circumstantial. X was like a sweeping punch, attacking entire assemblies of people with one fatal swoop and leaving them all to die together in abandoned buildings.
"We also need to check for any other refugees," he added. Most of the survivors we’d encountered during our three weeks of searching the empire for Payne were just hell-bent on surviving, but some used their need for survival like an excuse to do deplorable things.
Jules pulled the knife from her boot as if preparing for battle. I couldn't help but roll my eyes at her theatrics. She was always so eager for a fight.
I grabbed the hand closest to me, smiling when I realized it was Jacob. His mindspeak went wild, "Fuck yes, she picked me." I’d come to appreciate the monotone voice that gave me uninhibited access to his thoughts. Everyone started laughing, the sound a little too cheerful for the old ghost town.
"Let's split up, meet back here in an hour. Whistle if you come across anything dangerous, and no one go too far," Cyler said with an air of authority. It felt good to hear him in leadership mode again. I had fallen in love with his ability to take care of those that he cared for. And now that we were all together again and finding our new normal, we were starting to slip back into our roles, combining who we were previously with the new parts of ourselves.
"You got it," Patrick said in a bright voice before looping his arm through Maverick’s and pretending to skip off. Maverick q
uickly detached himself and rolled his eyes before chasing after his boisterous friend, mumbling under his breath something about needing coffee.
Cyler paired up with a bored looking Huxley as Kemper joined Jules and Tallis. We all went off in our different directions, and I let Jacob guide me towards an old building. His mindspeak started explaining things to me, and I was comforted by the history lesson.
"This used to be the old clinic," he explained. "I remember chasing Maverick and Cyler around the flashy equipment while their dad yelled at us to get out. Mr. Black was crazy smart, almost scarily so. He worked a lot, too." Inside was dark, and Jacob shined a flashlight he produced from his pocket as we walked around checking for signs of people or danger. I trailed my fingers against a dusty shelf that was empty, reflecting on his words.
"That sounds like Maverick. Must be where he gets it from," I said. Maverick was intelligent and dedicated. It’s what I loved most about him.
"Must be." After we found out that the old clinic was cleared, we went across the street to what Jacob’s mindspeak explained was once the general store. I walked inside, half expecting to feel that familiar flutter of excitement I felt at the bakery in Dormas, but the reality of the abandoned building made those flutters fall flat. The ceiling had caved in, and it wasn't nearly as lovely as the general store Kemper had built.
"Are you okay, Ash?" Jacob’s mindspeak asked, and he sighed as if he wasn't really wanting to ask me that. I was sure on some level they all knew that I wasn't doing okay. But honestly, none of us were. What use was hashing out my issues when we were all going through the same thing? The only thing that would fix this would be to find Payne. He was the key to unlocking the cure and rebuilding this crumbled empire.
"I'm worried about Payne," I answered before tightening my sweater around my body. I had lost a lot of weight, and it seemed like none of my clothes fit anymore. “What if something happened to him? What if we don’t get to him in time?” It wasn't just that I wanted the cure, the lingering threat that my men could become infected with X at any moment scared me.
Above all of that, I had come to care about the little boy. His mother's involvement in all of this baffled me. I wish I had more insight into Dominique’s story. I wanted to know what led her to help out the late Lackley. What kind of mindset would push a person to develop a virus so lethal? “I’m worried you’re all going to contract X,” I said before looking around for signs of anyone. Speaking my fears out loud made them real, and I preferred to lock them away.
“I’m worried, too,” Jacob’s mindspeak said. His expression was reluctant, almost like he didn’t want to share that vulnerable train of thought with me.
I lifted up a piece of plywood, and bugs flew at me from the movement. I swatted them away and nearly fell over my boots before Jacob righted me.
“This is creepy as fuck. Can we just sleep in the transport again?” Jacob’s mindspeak said in a monotone voice, making the hilarity of his words more impactful. I tried not to laugh at the robotic tone, Jacob was sensitive about his disability, but sometimes I had to laugh to stop myself from crying.
“If I have to spend one more night sleeping in the transport with Jules’ snoring, I might kill her, which would be very unfortunate ’cause I just started to like the poor girl,” I said before brushing my hands off on my pants. “This place seems to be in better shape than new Dormas,” I admitted.
“Not by much.”
We walked, exploring the southern side of the buildings with ease, keeping our eyes peeled for infected Walkers and anything we could use to survive. I found an old can of beans and was currently coveting it, clutching the can to my chest like it was something to be treasured.
I’d been hungry many times in my life, but I’d never had others to worry about before. I could sense their weakness and knew that many times they took turns going without so that I had some food. My men were selfless and incredibly caring. How in the empire did I deserve such kindness?
“I bet if we built a house here, we could have the kitchen windows facing the west. You’d get a great view of the sunset while you make us dinner,” Jacob’s mindspeak said as he smiled at me. He reached out to grab hold of my free hand, lacing his calloused fingertips through mine before swinging my arm in a careless way that made this entire experience feel less...daunting.
“I want a large kitchen. Big enough for a table that extends to fit twenty people,” I joined in the fun, imagining a future I wasn’t quite sure would ever happen.
“I bet you want a large bed, too. One that fits all of us,” Jacob’s mindspeak replied, and I laughed. I’d be lying if I hadn’t imagined all of us together, sharing a bed. It seemed like a fun fantasy, but the reality of six snoring men did not appeal to me.
“I’d like my own room. You all can take turns,” I replied cheekily.
Jacob’s mindspeak didn’t register laughter, so instead, his mouth broke out into a wide grin, and he shook his shoulders in amusement, tilting his head back like we were on a date joking about hypotheticals instead of searching for supplies and infected Walkers in a run-down town.
“Funny, huh?” I asked as his laughter calmed down.
“You do realize that we’ll all end up in your bed regardless? It’s hard keeping you out of our sights, Ash.”
He wasn’t wrong. Since everything that had happened recently, our group had solidified in ways that I still was learning to process. We weren’t challenging the dynamic, and I couldn’t remember the last time I felt remorse or guilt about allowing them to share me. It had become our new normal, I guess.
“You do realize that Huxley and Cyler snore. And Patrick is a compulsive cuddler. Huxley would probably wake up with his twin spooning him.” I laughed at that visual while trying to keep my eyes peeled. Despite the lightheartedness of our conversation, I still felt on edge.
“Fair enough. But I’ll be sneaking into your room every chance I get,” Jacob said, but it felt like an incomplete thought. His mindspeak started counting numbers like he was trying to avoid me hearing his other unfiltered thoughts. It was a trick he’d picked up, and I was beginning to hate counting.
“Why are you counting, Jacob?” I asked teasingly.
“I don’t want you to hear all the things I want to do to you, five, six, seven…”
“Payne will need his own room, too,” I began, hoping to change the subject if only to stop having to hear the monotone counting.
"I have no idea how we are gonna find him. Or even if we will find him," Jacob’s mindspeak replied. Again, I found his honesty refreshing, but it still hurt to hear. I could've used some of Patrick's optimism then.
"Fuck, I'm so sorry, Ash. I wish I could control the stupid thing better. Sometimes I wonder if you miss the sound of my voice," Jacob added before slapping his forehead and ripping the mindspeak out of his ear.
I grabbed his hand. "I miss your voice," I replied. "You had this flirty, easy way of talking that just instantly made me like you. But I like that you can't hide behind a flirty smile now. I like knowing what's on your mind. Even if it's hard to hear."
Jacob and I were heading towards the end of the concrete street when I noticed movement ahead of us in a decrepit building to our right. It was nothing but a brief flash, but my time living in the camp taught me to notice such things. I reached out and grabbed Jacob's arm before lifting my free hand up and holding it to my lips, urging him to keep quiet. "Movement," I mouthed, and he pocketed his mindspeak to prevent it from speaking and giving away our location, assuming whoever was up there didn't already know that we were here.
I mentally made a note of how far away the others were, realizing that they would be able to hear us if we screamed. We'd have to hold our own for a little while, but they could get here in a hurry if necessary. Pulling Jacob behind me, I eased us towards a concrete building to our right with cracks up and down the side of it.
Sliding us into the shadows, I pressed my body as close to the side as I could while look
ing where I noticed the movement before. Since Cavil's death, there had been other groups trying to take control of the empire. Everyone either wanted a piece of the pie or recognition for saving us all.
Then there were people like us, those who just wanted to survive. "Look," I urged in a low whisper while staring towards the dilapidated building with a door hanging off the hinges. Just as I said that, another movement caught my eye. There was definitely a person there. I thought I saw a flash of white hair, but I wasn't sure. During the end of the world, it was everyone for themselves.
"Get Cyler," Jacob mouthed while nodding back towards where we came from. I stopped staring at the occupied building for a moment to look back at where we were. It wasn't too far, we could make it. I swallowed just as I felt the sharp point of a knife at my neck.
Fuck.
Jacob looked fiercely at whoever was on the other side of me holding me at the end of their blade. One swallow, one slight movement, and I'd be dead. Jacob knew it. I knew it. And the person currently holding me against the blade knew it, too. "We don't mean any harm," I whispered, knowing that if I raised my voice, it could startle them. It was a tricky situation. "We were just looking for shelter and supplies; we will leave your land in peace," I added.
I expected the person to end me then. I was too scared to turn my eyes back to him and see who it was at the end of the knife, too afraid to meet my death. But instead of a swift slice along my throat, an awed, clipped voice caught me off guard. "Ash?" I let out a sigh of relief at the familiarity before turning to look at who was threatening my life.
"Thurst?" I asked incredulously when realizing that the tall man towering over me was from Tallis and Mia's Scavenger camp. I hadn't seen him since we first left Dormas. Although my time with him was brief, I jumped up for joy and wrapped my arms around his neck, squeezing him tightly as he choked out a short chuckle in shock. "I can't believe it's you. Where is Bowden? And Hope?" I asked before pulling away and looking him in the eye. His white hair had been cut shorter, but the blue designs along his skin were still beautiful and intricate. He seemed like his time away from Tallis had worn him. He was skinnier, less vibrant.