by Coralee June
“Why didn’t you tell him the truth?” he asked, grabbing my hand.
“It doesn’t matter. We have to find Gordon.” I wiped my eyes. “If he thinks I’m staying in those damn Dorms, he’s an even bigger idiot than I thought,” I added with more force. Once the initial shock wore off that Gordon was missing, an entirely new emotion had taken over.
Anger.
“Let's go.”
Tallis and I walked the woods, our only source of light was his lantern. We wandered around, calling out Gordon’s name. The further we got from camp, the more concerned I got.
“Gordon, get your ass out here!” I screamed into the dark forest for the millionth time. I had given up all sympathetic pretenses and had switched to annoyance.
“Where the hell is he?” I asked Tallis. We had walked for at least an hour and my shoes were covered in mud from traveling along the banks of a river. The darkness was eerie, but I felt safe with Tallis.
“I don’t…” he began before crouching low and snapping his head towards the west. His hand reached out and grasped mine, pulling me down in a swift movement. I collapsed against his bare chest and my arms wrapped around him in reflex.
“Where the hell is this kid?!” I heard a familiar voice say just as two figures appeared right in front of us. “Jules?” Jacob said as he shined a light on Tallis and I. I closed my eyes in embarrassment as Tallis stood and pulled me up with him. After a moment, I realized that my hand was still snugly placed against his bare chest and I immediately removed it.
“What are you doing out of the Dorms? I told you to go back!” Cyler, who was standing beside Jacob, growled with a frown. His pants were covered in mud from the knees down, and I assumed that he had been wading in the creek.
“I wanted to help,” I said while lifting my nose up.
“I’m sure you’ve helped enough. Tallis doesn’t need to babysit you while trying to look for one of his people,” Cyler argued. He threw his arms up in exasperation.
“Actually, Agapimenos has been extremely helpful,” Tallis replied and I warmed at his quick reflex to defend me.
“Oh, it definitely looked like she was being helpful when we walked up,” Cyler countered with a disgusted scowl.
I did what I usually do in these situations when my brother was mad and I felt helpless—I looked to Jacob—who was smiling at me. Actually smiling.
“Cy, we’re wasting time. Let's go. We need to find him,” Jacob said while continuing to walk along the bank of the river. I followed after him, leaving the others to navigate the muddy creek behind us. I was eager to get away from the tension rolling off Tallis and Cyler.
We walked in silence, but I occasionally looked at Jacob, who kept his eyes ahead. I wanted to hug him. To beg forgiveness. But instead, I kept quiet. There were bigger problems at hand than my redemption.
“Cy—look at these tracks. Think he’s headed towards the Grove?” Jacob asked, and my stomach flopped. The Grove had always been their secret hiding spot, not once was I ever allowed to see it. To be welcomed in on their secret.
“I think you’re right,” Cy replied while stepping over a thick vine.
“What’s the Grove?” Tallis asked.
“It’s a place we used to run off to when we were kids,” Jacob explained with a sad smile. The moonlight reflecting in his eyes was beautiful, and I was briefly reminded of why it was so easy to fall for him before.
“Oh good. Jules can lead the way then,” Tallis replied while grabbing my hand. He looked at Jacob and me curiously.
“Oh—I—I don’t actually know where it is. I was never invited,” I answered softly, and I knew Tallis sensed the sadness in my voice, because he stiffened beside me. “But it wasn’t so bad,” I quickly added. “It was nice to have a break from their stupidity every now and then.”
“What a coincidence, we went to the Grove to escape you,” Cyler replied with a laugh. Tallis snaked his arm around my waist and pulled me close. Jacob observed us with a smile before walking ahead with Cyler.
“I would have brought you along,” Tallis whispered before Cyler yelled up ahead.
“I appreciate your support,” I began while watching to see if Jacob and Cy were out of earshot. “But, can you make this a little less obvious?” I gestured between us, hoping he would catch on.
Tallis’ eyes dipped in disapproval as he stepped closer, ignoring my request. He grabbed my shoulders and dipped low so that his lips were moving against mine.
“Once we find Gordon, we’re going to have a little talk about what ‘this’ is,” Tallis said with stormy eyes that were barely visible in the dark. I felt his gaze on me. His fiery disapproval throbbed in my soul.
“Found him!” Jacob’s voice rang throughout the woods, jarring us out of the intensity of the moment.
Tallis and I began jogging towards them through a thick expanse of trees and into an open area. At the base of a tree, the moonlight illuminated Gordon, who was sitting and massaging his thigh. I collapsed on the ground and hugged him before pinching his face between my hands, observing him.
“You scared the shit out of me, what were you thinking?!” I exclaimed while squeezing him, I wanted to make sure he was really there and safe.
“I know, it was dumb. But I couldn’t stand to look at him,” Gordon said while nodding his head towards Tallis, who despite the darkness, looked positively devastated.
“You can’t run away just because you’re upset. God Gordon, you could have seriously gotten hurt. There are consequences to your actions!” I exclaimed as I was flooded with adrenaline and relief. The combination of sensations made me shake.
“You’re one to talk,” Cyler mumbled and then grunted as Jacob elbowed him in the ribs.
“Could you please not seek out every opportunity to insult me,” I said through clenched teeth. The wind picked up and brushed Cyler’s long hair across his face.
“Yeah, leave Jules alone. Who are you anyway?!” Gordon asked, furrowing his brow. My heart warmed at his desire to defend me.
“I’m her brother. Besides, isn’t she the reason you’re out here in the first place?” Cyler asked, tapping on his Tablet before pocketing it.
“No. I’m here because I overheard Tallis telling her that he killed my Grandfather,” Gordon growled. The Grove fell into an awkward silence.
After a few moments of listening to crickets chirp, Tallis spoke. “I know we need to talk but running off and scaring Nikketa is unacceptable. Are you able to walk?” Instead of answering him, Gordon looked to me.
“Tell him that I’ll need help,” Gordon said, all while refusing to even look in the direction of Tallis.
“Yeah,” I began while rolling my eyes, “I’m no carrier pigeon. Cy, pick him up and start walking back,” I ordered. Cy nodded with a sigh and helped Gordon stand, then they began walking with Tallis back towards the Scavenger camp.
My eyes followed them for a moment before drifting up to the sky, looking at the twinkling stars. It seemed so surreal to be here. The Grove was always this abstract concept. A dream. Never before was I allowed to tag along, but now being here felt anticlimactic. The beauty of the stars was nothing compared to the hazy glow of the fire in the Scavenger camp.
“You coming?” Jacob asked softly, and I realized that for the first time since my betrayal, we were alone.
“I want to stay here a moment longer,” I said while looking around the peaceful grove. “For so long, I dreamed of being invited to your secret space. To peek into your world,” I murmured while fixing my hair. I fanned my sweaty neck and enjoyed the light breeze.
“I’m sorry we never invited you…” Jacob’s voice trailed off. He looked up at the sky, avoiding my gaze. I bit my lip, the nerves I felt from what I needed to say caused me to shake.
“Jacob. I—I never wanted to hurt you,” I whispered after we were quiet for a while. I knew this moment had to happen eventually, I just didn’t know what to say. I practiced my apologies a thousand times, and yet
it still didn’t feel like enough.
“I know Jules.”
“I’m so, so sorry,” I cried. “You’ve always been the one to see me—really see me. It was so easy to fall for you. And when you didn’t love me back, I just couldn’t handle the rejection,” I said while wiping my eyes of the silly little tears that fell.
Jacob pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and handed it to me. “I wish it could have been us, Jules. I wish I could have kissed you back and eased your loneliness, but I never saw you that way.”
I looked back up at the stars and their luminance. It was never meant to be, Jacob and I. He was just the person I clung to because there was no one else.
“I forgive you,” Jacob said in a sad voice.
The words were so freeing, yet still painful. I knew that despite his forgiveness, we’d never be the same. We’d never be the friends we once were. We’d never be able to look at one another and not think of my mistakes. We’d never be together. It was like someone started to dig up my heart’s grave. My heart was still dead and long forgotten. It just now had a little less dirt on its coffin.
We stayed in the Grove for a while longer before leaving. I silently thanked Gordon for finally taking me to the place of my dreams and gifting me with the opportunity to ask for Jacob’s forgiveness. After a brisk thirty-minute walk, we caught back up to Tallis, Gordon, and Cyler who were bickering just outside of camp.
“I’m just saying—be careful, Tallis. I know my sister better than anyone else. She’s cruel. This is the kind of stuff she thrives on. She loves the drama,” Cyler said and the words felt like frostbite on my soul. I clutched my stomach and noticed Cyler’s eyes flash to mine. He had the decency to look guilty, but it was too late. The words still hurt.
“We’re all mirrors, Cyler. We see in each other what we fail to recognize in ourselves. Maybe Jules is just showing you what you choose to see,” Tallis began while taking a step closer to Cyler. “What’s within her that you refuse to acknowledge in yourself?”
Cyler was stunned, silent. I took the opportunity to fully approach them. “It’s ok Tallis,” I said while placing a confident hand on his bare shoulder. I felt his scars beneath my touch, the groove of his skin comforting. “I don’t have the energy to pretend that Cyler’s opinions affect me today,” I said before letting go of Tallis.
I gripped Gordon’s hand and guided him to Nikketa’s tent. I wanted to turn back and demand to know what was so wrong with me. I wanted to crack Cyler’s opinions wide open. I felt reckless. Broken. I wanted to be someone worthy of Tallis’ defense. And yet, I pushed down the hurt, the relief, the anger. I found a comfortable spot on Nikketa’s floor, and Gordon and I fell asleep, both of us avoiding the disappointments of the day.
Chapter Thirteen
I woke up with a stiff neck and a pounding head. “Daskalos, it’s time to wake up,” Nikketa said while shaking my shoulder. She wafted a plate of food under my nose, and it smelled like my own mother’s cooking. My eyes opened just as my stomach growled.
“When was the last time you ate?” she asked with a click of her tongue. She was still wearing the floral-printed pajamas from last night. When I brought Gordon home, she wrapped me in a warm hug then hit him on the back of his head.
“I don’t know, maybe lunch yesterday?” I replied in a sleepy voice, rubbing my eyes. “What time is it?” I asked.
“It’s close to eleven,” Nikketa replied while shoving food in my face.
“Oh shit. I’ve got to go to the Gardens. Cyler is gonna kill me,” I said and stood up. I started feeling around for my boots on her tent floor. I rolled my neck, my bones cracking and popping from the movement.
“Oh no, you don’t. Tallis said you are to stay here and rest.” She rested a firm hand on my shoulder, guiding me to a chair.
“Good thing Tallis isn’t my keeper or my leader,” I mumbled, causing Nikketa to let out a hearty belly laugh. She crouched over and grabbed her stomach as if the humor in my statement caused her pain.
“You keep telling yourself that, Daskalos.” She wiped a tear from her eye. “That boy owns you, and you him. I’ve never seen him so worried. Stopped by four times last night while you and Gordon slept,” she explained as she shoved a spoon full of eggs in my face.
I took a bite to appease her, then my hunger took over and I started shoveling heaping amounts into my mouth. I focused on eating and tried to forget how pleased her admission about Tallis made me feel.
“Where is Gordon, anyway?” I asked, looking around the tent. I had paused his punishment for the evening due to sheer exhaustion, but I was ready to give him a stern talking to. The Gardens could wait another thirty minutes.
“He’s currently digging me a new latrine. And after that, he’s going to help Thurst and Bowden with their teething newborn. Then he’s going to help cook a nice feast for everyone that was on his search party,” Nikketa said with a wide, pleased grin.
“I like your style, Nikketa,” I said with a full mouth.
“Damn boy. What was he thinking? Running off and scaring this old woman like that. We have to get creative with our punishments to get the point across. I’m sure your parents did the same with you. You’re quite the handful,” she said with a raised eyebrow
I felt that familiar twinge of sadness that surfaced whenever someone brought up my parents.
“I don’t really remember. They died when I was young, and Cyler sent me away to school shortly after that. I only came home during the summer. Although, Mistress Ingrid was pretty creative. I once had to pluck her chin hairs for sneaking makeup into my dorm. It was a cruel lesson in vanity.” I shivered.
Nikketa looked at me with a small smile and piled more food on my plate. “It’s a sad world when little girls have to grow up without their mothers. It makes them grow fast and bitter.”
I couldn’t disagree, maybe that's what was wrong with me.
I finished my food in silence and washed up in their portable sink before going outside where I saw Tallis sitting on a log.
“Have you been waiting for me?” I asked with a small grin.
“I was worried." Tallis rubbed the back of his neck, then patted the log next to him, indicating that I should sit. I settled next to him and my skin felt electric.
For a moment we both just sat there, looking around camp.
“I…” Tallis began. “I don’t think you have malicious intentions. I couldn’t help but stand up for you. I hope you don’t think I overstepped. And if you want me to apologize to your brother, I will.”
“I don’t think you overstepped,” I whispered. “Besides, with Cy’s pride, I doubt you had any effect on him.”
Tallis chuckled. “I got you the day off from the Gardens,” he said in a hopeful tone. I watched as his hands twitched on his thigh.
“How’d you manage that?” I asked with a raised eyebrow just as Nikketa walked out and brought Tallis a plate of food.
“Haven’t you heard? I’m a terrifying Scavenger.”
“Who’s terrible at flirting,” Nikketa mumbled while walking back to her tent, causing Tallis and me to laugh mercilessly.
“First, I want to make things right with Gordon—after kicking his ass—then…” I paused. Was I really doing this? “I want to spend the day here. With the terrifying Scavenger’s permission, of course.”
Tallis’ grin was blinding, and I felt like a moth to his flame as I leaned closer. “I think I’ll allow it,” he said, leaning close, barely a breath between us. “But why?”
I bit my lip and noticed how his eyes zeroed in on the movement. “Despite the dirt and the bugs, and Nikketa’s demanding nature, and your inability to wear a shirt, and the total lack of fashion sense, and—"
“—And I’m hoping there’s an end to these insults,” Tallis interrupted. I rolled my eyes and took a deep breath. The moment I admitted that I liked something, the universe usually tore it away from me.
“I like it here.”
Tallis o
pened his mouth to respond. We were on the cusp of something big here. Could I admit that I was growing to like the idea of courting him?
The sound of a ringing Tablet interrupted us.
“Are you going to answer that?” I asked with a smirk. Tallis leaned back and patted around him.
“Cyler gave it to me,” he explained while shuffling through his belongings before pulling out a Tablet. “I’m not used to having one,” he chuckled, and once again, I was reminded of how different we were.
Tallis stood and walked a respectable distance away before answering. While he was preoccupied, I took a moment to truly observe him. I took in his long legs and wind-swept hair. With my eyes, I traced each visible scar on his bare torso.
“My brother is too nice, you know,” a cool voice said, and I whipped my head to the left. Mia was decked in her usual leather get up and had plopped down beside me.
“What do you want?” I asked, picking the paint off my nails. Something about his sister rubbed me the wrong way. Perhaps it was her friendship with Ashleigh.
“I want him to be happy.” Mia sighed. “You know, it should have been me to go through the leadership trials. My brother is fearless and fierce. He’d kill anyone or anything that threatens his people. But he’s really got to work on that guilt thing,” she said softly. I wondered if she regularly made it a habit to chat up random strangers outside her social circle.
“Now, normally I don’t make it a habit to befriend bitches, but I love a good redemption story. I think you and me…” she began while gesturing between us. “…could be great if you stopped acting like you’re better than everyone.”
“Did you come here to insult me or…?” I asked. If I wanted to feel bad about myself, I would go back to the Black Manor.
“I came here to tell you that I don’t approve of you and Tallis, but I don’t really have a say in the matter. Might as well befriend you so we can get past the awkward hate stares from across camp,” Mia said while brushing her hands on her pants.