by Landis Lain
“Stop!” he said. Sasha kept it up, screaming and cussing at him. He just held on and didn’t say a word, until both of them were exhausted and panting. Damon was actually wheezing.
“I hate you!” she screamed.
Sasha hated him for being the only decent boy she’d ever been with. She hated him because he didn’t think she was decent enough for him. She hated him for screwing her and getting away with it. She hated him because she had loved him so hard her heart was bruising her insides just being near him and he didn’t love her at all. She hated him because her baby had a daddy for three months and now he didn’t. She even hated Damon for loving Ricky even though the baby wasn’t related to him. Obscene words floated through her head. No way. No possible way. Damon Hamilton is not the father of Ricardo Damon Anderson. Like a Jerry Springer reject she had to go hunt down another baby daddy for her son.
Finally, she collapsed against him, so suddenly that he almost lost his balance. He staggered and tightened his arms on her for a second.
“Get your hands off me,” she said, panting and sweating.
“You ready to stop acting crazy?” he gasped. He was panting, too, his breath whistling in and out like a train whistle.
“Let me go,” she whispered, out of breath. He loosened his grip, but kept hold of Sasha’s arm. She whipped around and threw up over the porch rail into her mother’s hydrangea bushes.
I’m so tired. I’m only nineteen. I shouldn’t be this tired already. Frigging boys always frigging win because this whole frigging life is a set up.
Sasha stood back up. Damon let go of her arm and straightened the glasses that she had knocked crooked.
He stared at her with wary, almost panicked eyes.
“You are off the hook,” Sasha said, though clenched teeth. She could feel the bile rising again. She swallowed. He stood there for a long time, not saying anything.
“I’m sorry,” he said, finally.
He’s all shamed faced like that’s supposed to make my messed up life all better.
“For what, Damon?” Sasha asked. “Taking what was offered?” Her throat was so tight she could hardly squeeze the words out. He shook his head like he was trying to clear it, but he didn’t say anything.
“That’s what I thought,” she said, as she grabbed the porch door and stepped inside. She had to get away from him before she exploded again.
“Get off my mother’s porch.”
Hot tears roll down her cheeks as she slammed the door. Her nose got snotty and stuffy. Sasha could see Damon through the window in the door, still just standing there, but she turned around and walked away, head down.
Welcome to my new reality show. I’m the star in the middle of this sad skank’s tale of a life.
Ricky woke up wailing when she was halfway down the hall, so she went into the room that they shared, picked him up out of the crib, buried her face in his little baby chest and they both sobbed. Ricky cried because he had a crappy diaper, and Sasha cried because she hurt so badly. Finally, she couldn’t take the nasty diaper smell any more so she dried her eyes on the throw up rag and laid Ricky down on the table and changed his diaper.
She looked down at her baby. A tear dropped from her eye onto his downy cheek. She wiped it off with her thumb. She sniffled and dried her tears. “I will never shed another tear over a boy in this world.”
Ricky smiled a little gummy smile at her.
“It’s going to be just you and me,” said Sasha, and sniffed. “We’re going to be okay. I’m gonna get a job and maybe go to school and take care of us. I’m going to show mama, and daddy and everybody else. I promise.” She leaned down and kissed Ricky’s soft cheek.
Brielle
Damon walked up to Brielle in the hall. She was talking to Asia, but Asia drifted off with a little finger wave, at the serious look on Damon’s face.
“See you girl,” said Asia. “Looks like your ex-man has something crucial to discuss with you.” Brielle watched Asia walk away.
“Crucial,” echoed Damon in a dry voice. “There is a big word for a little girl.”
Brielle turned and looked him full in the face.
“How are you?” he asked.
“Fine,” said Brielle.
She looked around the hall, but no one appeared to be paying close attention to either of them. Asia was already out of sight.
Damon stood staring at her for so long that Brielle finally blurted out,
“I see you recovered from your injuries.”
“Yeah,” said Damon.
“I heard you almost got killed,” said Brielle.
“Yeah,” said Damon, with a shudder. “It was crazy.”
“My parents were like, if you hadn’t let that boy go, you’d be banned from dating him. He’s got nothing but troubles.”
They were silent for a long time.
Damon looked around and saw other students slowing to catch a few words.
“Let’s walk, okay?” he asked. Brielle nodded.
“By the way,” said Brielle. “Congratulations.”
“Thanks,” said Damon, and then checked. “About what?”
“I heard you got the Bill Gates Scholarship,” said Brielle. “That’s a great accomplishment. I also hear you’re going to Howard University.”
“Yeah, I’m really excited,” said Damon with a grin.
“I’m glad you could call and let a sister know.”
His grin faded. “I didn’t think you’d talk to me.”
“Guess you didn’t care enough to find out,” said Brielle. “What did you think I was congratulating you about?”
“I thought for a minute you were congratulating me because I don’t have a baby anymore. All the guys at school have been giving me high fives.” He shoved his hands in his pockets, and then winced. “Just got the cast off.”
Brielle said nothing.
“They all think,” said Damon,” that I should be happy, thrilled that I’m not a father.”
“You should get new friends.”
“Even my brothers are like, yo, you dodged an atomic bomb on this one.”
“Okay,” said Brielle, mystified as to why she should care.
“They just don’t really understand,” said Damon.
“I’m sure you didn’t bother to try and explain yourself to them,” said Brielle, bitterly. “I take it they can’t read your mind, either.”
“Brielle, please,” said Damon, voice cracking. She relented slightly.
“I’m really sorry about Ricky,” said Brielle, contrite. “I know how much you cared about him.”
“Yeah, I know,” said Damon. “I got your card.”
“You didn’t call me or anything,” said Brielle. She sounded hurt.
“Yeah, I’m sorry about that,” said Damon. “It’s just that I needed some time to wrap my mind around stuff and deal with this thing. I couldn’t talk about it.”
“But you can talk about it now?” asked Brielle. They had been walking and talking and ended up outside the school sitting on one of the bleachers. Somehow, the deserted football field, the scene of their first real date, seemed like the right place to have this conversation.
“Yeah,” said Damon. “I’m recovering still, but it doesn’t hurt so much.”
Brielle was silent, waiting for him to begin.
“See,” he said, looking off to the south. He stopped talking. The sun was high in the sky but it was only about sixty degrees. Brielle was wearing her leather letter jacket so she was comfortable but she could feel the cold metal of the bleachers through her jeans.
She shifted a little closer to Damon and touched his shoulder with her hand.
“Tell me,” she said.
“When I found out that I was going to be a father,” he said. “I wasn’t ready at all.”
“I know,” said Brielle, remembering her agony when he’d told her she was dumped. She hadn’t been ready for that at all, either.
“For a while, I hated Sasha for dest
roying my life. It consumed me and blocked out everything else in my life. I didn’t want this and she was going to have the baby anyway. I actually told her that she should get an abortion. I thought that school was over and my life was just wrecked. I couldn’t be with you. That was the freaking worst part of the whole thing.”
Brielle snorted.
Damon continued.
“Then Ricky was born. And I was there. It was like this peace came over me. And he was my son and I was going to teach him all this stuff. I can’t even describe it,” said Damon. “But it was scary and happy and wild, you know?”
Brielle nodded, though she really didn’t understand.
“Sometimes he would scream at night and I thought I was going to go crazy,” said Damon. “I was so scared that I was going to drop him or do something to hurt him. And then he started smiling whenever he saw me and it was like, dang, look what I did.”
“He is really cute,” said Brielle.
“Even though her mother was treating me like I was a monster and Sasha was all mad at me, it was about me and Ricky. Us against the world,” said Damon. He snorted.
“And then, all of a sudden, he wasn’t mine,” said Damon. He stopped and reached up and tugged on Brielle’s braid. “He knew me. He’d stop crying when he heard my voice. That was an incredible feeling, that I could make that much of a difference to a baby. Then he was just gone from my life. I didn’t even get to tell him good-bye.”
“Why not?”
“Sasha wouldn’t let me see him,” said Damon. He passed a hand over his face and squeezed the bridge of his nose before he continued. “I tried calling and I even went by the house. She went crazy. Then she asked the court for a restraining order, like I was stalking her or something.”
“Did she get one?”
“No,” said Damon, clenching his jaw. Brielle caressed his cheek with the back of her hand. “The judge told her to stop being ridiculous. He told me that I’d dodged a bullet, to leave her and the baby alone and get on with the business of being a teenager. He said to get my college plans finalized. He even gave me back the child support that I paid.”
“That was cool,” said Brielle.
“I’ve been so angry,” said Damon, clenching his jaw, again. “I wanted to kill somebody.”
He looked at his left hand.
“Craig got in the way of my rage,” he said, rubbing his left wrist with the right hand. “I didn’t know how to deal with this whole thing. My wrist still aches.”
“I’m really sorry that you got hurt.”
“She lied,” he said, fiercely. “I’m never going to forgive her for taking my son away. That lying tramp. I’ll never trust another female as long as I live.”
Brielle
“I’ll never trust another female as long as I live.”
The words reverberated in Brielle’s mind and ping-ponged around like a stray gun shot. For a minute, she covered her ears with her hands to block out the words. She leapt up from the bleacher.
Brielle smacked him on the shoulder with her fist.
“Ow,” he said flinching, “What was that for? Are you crazy?” He stood up and took a step back to get out of the line of fire.
“No,” snapped Brielle in a low nasty voice. She swung at him again. He avoided the blow by dodging to the left.
“Cut it out,” he said.
“I am not crazy. Isn’t that what you called Sasha? Crazy? I’m not Sasha. So, no, I’m not frigging crazy.” Brielle was screaming with rage.
“You about to cuss? What is with you all of a sudden?”
Brielle’s reply was profane and graphic. Damon eyed her warily.
“I just figured this thing out,” said Brielle, quieting.
Damon looked at her with a puzzled look on his face.
“See,” said Brielle, pointing at him with one long manicured finger. “You think this is all her fault. You laid down with everybody’s favorite tramp, I don’t know how many times. And that was okay. Cause it felt good, right? You really thought that was your baby. So you got to be all noble and stepped up to be a daddy, like you were doing her some kind of favor. And everybody was there to hold you up like you did something great by taking care of your own baby. Now, you found out it’s not your baby and you’re all hurt and innocent? I hate you.”
“What?” he asked, eyes wide. “Why?”
“Because you acted just as irresponsibly as Sasha. You did the same thing she did. You were totally disrespectful of your own self and Sasha, but since it’s not your baby after all, she’s the only one at fault here? She’s the tramp? She’s the skank?!” Brielle was back to yelling.
“She’s the one who lied,” he yelled back, getting right into her face. Brielle did not back down. If anything, she inched forward until they were nearly nose to nose.
“Maybe she didn’t lie!” yelled Brielle. “Maybe she didn’t know. Maybe she really thought Ricky was your baby. He looks like you guys.”
“He does not look like me!” yelled Damon.
“Now you say that,” said Brielle, a little quieter. “But he could have been your baby. What if she hadn’t been the school skank? What if it was me or somebody like me? Somebody who loved you and had sex with you. I was willing. We almost did it. What then?”
Damon was silent.
“Didn’t that girl say she loved you?”
He stood stock still as shame washed over him.
“And I would have stood by you when you thought he was your baby. I would have compromised all my standards. All my parents standards, even. I was willing to change his diapers. I loved him, too, for you. And now you telling me you’ll never trust another female. Like we’re not even human? You-you-,” She stopped in frustration because she couldn’t think of anything horrible enough to call him. She wanted to kick him.
“Me? What?” he asked totally bewildered. “I love you, Brielle.”
Brielle felt hot tears slide slowly down her cheeks. She didn’t bother to wipe them away.
“You don’t even know what that means,” said Brielle. “You just like me because at first I wanted to wait to have sex. I was the safe girl. It’s all on me. If I had sex with you I’d be nasty, too. Except lucky me, we didn’t have much space or opportunity.”
“We could have managed,” said Damon, dryly. “I put a stop to things. I didn’t want you to get hurt.”
“Oh, whatever,” said Brielle.
“What does that mean?”
“You’re the deep thinker,” said Brielle. “You read all those books. You can’t figure this out?”
“I said I didn’t understand,” said Damon. He was clenching his jaw and opening and closing his fists like he wanted to grab her.
“Join the club!”
She reached behind her neck and fumbled with her necklace.
“Here,” she said, holding out the necklace with the half a heart. “Take this thing.”
Damon froze in place, looking absolutely destroyed, his beautiful eyes nearly opaque with misery.
“You are going to abandon me, too?”
“Me abandon you?” asked Brielle. She sniffed back the rest of her tears and wiped her face with the back of her hand. “You’ve been blowing me off for months.”
“I had a baby to take care of,” he said, still defensive.
“And now you don’t. So?”
“It took up all of my time.”
“Please,” said Brielle, holding up her hand to stop him from coming any closer. “Your mama and everybody else was loving on the baby same as you. We’re just as upset that he’s gone. I’ve decided that males can’t be trusted. You’re so busy having your own personal pity party-, forget it.”
Brielle slashed the air with one hand, dropped the necklace on the ground in front of her and stomped off towards the building, leaving Damon; shoulders slumped, in front of the bleachers with one hand covering his face.
Brielle
Brielle was sitting on Sammie’s family room floor, worki
ng on a craft board for her last literature project. It had been a nearly a week since she’d told Damon off. She didn’t feel good about being mean to him but she’d meant what she said. She had just finished telling Mrs. Evans and Sammie about her last fight with Damon.
“So,” said Mrs. Evans. “You stood up for the rights of women everywhere, huh?”
“I guess so. It made me mad when he called her a ‘female’, like that,” said Brielle. “It’s just so unfair that it should be all her fault.”
“Go on, girl,” said Mrs. Evans. “I’m really proud of you.” She bent down and hugged Brielle’s shoulders. Brielle smiled up at the woman who was like a second mother.
“Thanks, Auntie,” she said.
“You’re welcome, baby.”
Brielle pasted a letter to her board and then leaned back to make certain it wasn’t crooked.
“What did your mother say about it?” asked Mrs. Evans.
“She said that she was proud of me, too,” said Brielle. “Because I’ve really matured if I can love somebody and still see their faults.”
“I thought you hated Sasha?” asked Sammie. She was cutting out letters and handing them to Brielle to glue to the board.
“I did, at first,” said Brielle. “It was like she stole my man.”
“Oh, you had a man?” said Mrs. Evans with a chuckle.
“You know what I mean,” said Brielle, smiling.
“And?” asked Sammie.
“I realized that she was with him first. I was the jump off girl. And then, I got mad at him for being stupid.”
“Are you ever going to forgive him?” asked Sammie.
“Maybe,” said Brielle. “Even my mom felt sorry for him when he found out the baby wasn’t his.”
“It was quite a blow,” said Mrs. Evans.
“I know,” said Brielle. “But still, he’s off the hook. He’s going to go on with his life. Sasha still has the baby and she’s still called the school skank. The boys just get to go on like nothing happened. I mean, they made the same mistake.”
“You’re not Sasha, baby,” said Mrs. Evans.
“But it could have been me,” said Brielle, vehement with conviction. “He said he loved me, but how would he have treated me?”