I laughed. “I think it'll be good for him.”
“Speaking of things good for you, did you get some?” Sue waggled her eyebrows.
A fierce blush bloomed across my cheeks. “Sue, what if someone hears you? And no… not yet, but I promise I’ll let you know.” I rolled my eyes.
“You’re no fun. Also is that a new sweater?” She reached out to feel the fabric on my arm and practically melted.
“Are you ready for this?” I looked both ways before leaning in to whisper, “It’s Ma Belle Francesca!”
After a beat, “And that is?”
I was crushed, devastated, I didn’t know if I would ever recover. “W-what? Don’t you remember when I met Johannes?”
“The look on your face seriously just broke my heart. Please avert your gaze.” Sue laughed as the man at the counter handed her a tray with her order on it.
“Yeah, yeah, drink your shake.” I pouted.
When we made our way back to the table, I reached over Ben to hand Johannes his card back.
“Woah, woah, what's that?” Sue grabbed my hand to inspect the glittering red stone on my ring finger.
“Are you getting married?” Darla asked. “It's on your wedding finger like Mommy.”
“I gave it to her, isn't it lovely?” Johannes gave a smug smile.
“It's not a—”
“You're getting married? You’ll really be my mama?”
It seemed like the whole world stopped as Ben looked up at me with those big blue eyes. He was looking at me as if I were a dream come true. My breath caught in my throat. I didn't know what to say or do, so I blurted the first thing that came to mind that would give me an escape.
“I need to go to the bathroom.”
My chair squealed against the tiles as I hurried away. I nearly tripped over my own feet.
I splashed some cool water on my face as soon as I reached the sink. All of my extremities suddenly felt heavy, and I just wanted to hide somewhere. Could I fit out of the window?
“Don't bother, it doesn't open. I tried when I was on a date in high school. He had really bad breath.” Sue’s voice echoed in the open space.
I knew my face was displaying my guilt bright and clear.
Sue slipped all the way into the bathroom, closing the door behind her. “Ali, are you okay?” she asked quietly.
I stared at my wet reflection. “No, I'm really, really not.”
“I'm sorry if I triggered something.”
“No, it's not your fault at all,” I hurried to assure her. “I just… really want to be there for Ben. He’s my blood, and even though I've only known him for a couple days, I feel so drawn to him. I want to protect him, I want to raise him, and I want to be the mom that he wants me to be.” I ran my hand through my hair. “But when he looked at me, it was like he thought I was going to fix all the bad that's happened to him. I feel so small, and like I'll never be enough to fill that role.”
Sue let out a rush of breath and moved closer to me, putting a hand on my back and leaning in. Her voice was low, a far cry from her usual cheer. “I don't normally like talking about this because I don't want Mikey to think he was a mistake, but I was really young when I had him,” she said. “Mark and I were two horny teenagers trying to figure our feelings and hormones out. I didn't know what to do. My mother shunned me and called me a whore. Dad didn't say anything. Wouldn’t even look at me.”
“That's so awful. I'm sorry, Sue.”
“Lucky for us, Tim's mom was very supportive and openhearted. She got us everything we needed, bought me parenting books, signed us up for prenatal classes. I thought to myself, I can do this. But when he was born, all I could think of was all the different ways I'd end up being a terrible mom.”
“But you're an amazing mom.”
She winked at me. “I am pretty great, aren't I? Anyway, my point is just that all parents have that feeling at some point. It's normal. You didn't even get the nine-month period to question every life choice you've ever made."
I hugged her tightly. “Why are you always exactly what I need?”
She squeezed me back, shaking me slightly. Then she leaned away and peered at me. “…That's not all that's bothering you, is it?”
I looked up at her sheepishly. “What makes you say that?”
“Number one, people with nothing to hide don't make faces like that. Number two, I think by now I’m officially your best friend, so I'm, like, all up in your brain. I don't need your special magic stuff to know something’s going on.” She waved her hands around, which made me laugh. “So, tell me what's up.”
I scratched at my arm and looked at anything that wasn’t Sue in the moment. She wasn’t wrong. “I'm just… so confused.”
“About?” She urged.
“Johannes mostly.” I sniffed.
“You know if he's seriously bothering you, I'll go have words with him.” She headed for the door, but I grabbed her hand.
“That's not it. I just feel really confused. Before all of this, he meant a lot to me. A lot, a lot. If he had seriously asked me to marry him... I think I would've said yes.” The last blockade holding back the tears broke. Twin trails leaked down my face despite my best efforts at stopping them. “But after everything he hid from me, about Benjamin, about Zella, about how Johannes is the one who locked Atohi in that house… Between that and the stuff with my dad, I just don't know if I can ever get back to that place. Plus, Atohi is just so sweet, and kind, and good. He makes me happy. He makes me laugh. I feel like no matter who I choose, things will be messy and complicated.”
“Well, you know my opinion on the matter.” I scoffed at her when she wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. “But what's this about your dad?”
“You remember that date night with Johannes meeting my dad? Yeah, well, Johannes organized that whole thing. He had already met my dad, and let me tell you, there was no love.”
“Well, this whole thing just got a little more messed up.”
“No, the best part is that my dad knew Grandma was a Magus. That's why he left town. That's why he didn't want me coming here. He thinks Magi are abominations. He thinks I am an abomination…”
“Sugar, I’m sure he doesn’t feel that way…”
“Mommy?” Darla called as she pushed the door open.
“Yes, baby?”
“Um... the little boy is feeling really sick, and, um, they took him outside.”
Oh no. Benjamin.
I rushed out of the shop as quickly as I could. Johannes sat in the backseat of the SUV he used to bring all of us, arms around Benjamin. Atohi was hovering by the open back door.
I shouldered in next to him. “Atohi, what happened?”
“Something is wrong with his Magus form,” he said, giving me a worried look. He turned away a little to mutter, “Johannes won't say anything.”
I nodded and stepped around him, then over the booster seat Johannes must’ve pulled out of the backseat so he could climb in with Benjamin. “Johannes, tell me how to help.”
Ben was shivering, his breath coming out in short pants. A dark aura, billowing black like a factory smokestack, surrounded him.
His jaw clenched, his eyes not leaving Ben. “I don't know if it'll work, but it might at least lessen his pain. Press your hands to him and focus on channeling your magic into his body.”
I placed my hands on him, one hand cupping his cheek, the other on his chest. Johannes sucked in a breath and grimaced. What was that look for? I realized then that I must have looked like Zella back when they had been forced into a similar situation.
I quickly pressed my forehead to his. “It will be okay.”
He closed his eyes and agreed, and a long breath left him as he tried to calm down.
I took my own deep breath before placing my hands back where they were. They warmed and tingled with my magic as I concentrated and summoned my inner strength. My powers glowed a soft yellow as it flowed between us. His whines and whimpers eventually faded o
ut. With watery eyes opened, he looked up at my face.
“Mama...”
He wrapped his tiny arms around my neck and nuzzled his face against me before his whole body went slack and he started to snore.
Johannes punched the back of the seat in front of him. My whole body jolted at the sound. He threw himself out of the car, not bothering to shut the door behind him.
“Johannes, where are you going? Johannes!” I called after him.
He ignored me as he walked away. Johannes storming off was definitely not what I needed right now.
“I'll retrieve him, Alice,” Atohi said with a deep sigh.
“Are you sure that's okay?” I asked after I managed to remove myself from the car without waking the sleeping child who was clinging to me like a koala.
“Yeah, we need to talk anyway.” Atohi scratched at the back of his neck.
He pulled me close and pressed a kiss to my temple.
“You guys won't fight, right?” I looked up at him. I was just so emotionally exhausted that I didn’t think I could handle the both of them going at it.
He smiled and gave me a small laugh, though his eyes seemed so sad. “No, I won't fight him. Stay safe until we get back.”
He ran a gentle finger down one of Benjamin's ruddy cheeks. With one last fleeting kiss, he was off after Johannes.
A touch on my shoulder made me nearly jump out of my skin which made Sue nearly jump out of hers. “Crap, Sue, sorry.”
“Ali, I’ve got a mom bladder, and I nearly pissed myself just now. Anyway, let me give you a ride. I got the mommy mobile today. Just grab his booster and we can go.” Sue led me over to her van before she buckled her children into their seats in the third row as Ben and I took the middle after setting up his booster. He whined as I released him, his eyes still wet with unshed tears that refused to drip from his thick black lashes.
I sat next to him, one of his hands tucked into my own. He was far too young to have to suffer so much.
“Can you take us to—” The home I burnt down. There’s no way I could take him to the inn with me, especially since enough people already think I’m stealing children.
“I can take you to his house. Do you have the key?” Sue asked, looking back at me briefly in the rearview mirror as she pulled out of the parking lot.
“No, but Chesca should still be there.”
“Chesca?” One of her brows raised.
“I will explain later.” I dropped my head back against the seat as I tried to drown out the sound of three children talking animatedly about something I couldn’t quite decipher but definitely included ice cream.
What felt like just moments later, Sue was shaking me awake.
“Hm?” I was so very groggy as I looked over to make sure Ben was still next to me. But the car was suspiciously silent. “Where are your kids?”
“You passed out, so I figured I would drop them off with Mark so I can help you.”
I quickly undid Ben from his booster seat and cradled him to me.
He groaned. “Are we home?”
“Yes we are, sweetie. I'm going to tuck you into bed so you can get some rest,” I whispered against his forehead before pressing a kiss.
“Can I have my bunny?” he asked, a small fist wrapping into the hair that had slipped over my shoulder.
“Of course. I'll even tuck him in, too, okay?”
Suzanne followed closely behind me, Ben’s booster seat in hand. I knocked on the door.
Within moments, Chesca answered the door with a haughty grin on her face. “Did you forget your keys? Oh, cherie, where are the rest of the boys?” Chesca tilted her head curiously when she spotted Sue. “Who is this?”
“She knows about Magi. She's cool.” I sighed as I scooped Ben's bunny from the couch when I walked by to get to the staircase.
Sue awkwardly waved. “Hey, I'm Suzanne. Nice to meet you.”
“Hello, darling.” She waved with a wiggle of her fingers. “Is something the matter?”
“Sorry, I can't chat. We’ll be upstairs,” I said, adjusting Benjamin on my hip.
“No, no, cherie, it is okay. We'll catch up later.” Chesca frowned but made her way back to the living room.
Not knowing which room was Ben’s, and unable to ask him since he’d dozed off on my shoulder again, I settled for Johannes’s room. I knew he wouldn’t be crazy about Sue being in here, but he could be mad at me about it later—or just suck it up since he ran off—because I needed her here with me right now.
“Sweetie, I need you to wake up so I can get you comfy, okay?”
He nodded as I set him on the bed. With sluggish movements, he pulled things off while I dug through Johannes's drawers until I found a plain black shirt. It was far too big but better than trying to sleep in the little button-up and slacks he had been wearing.
“Arms up.” I slipped the T-shirt over him when he was down to his undies. He couldn't even keep his eyes open. Poor boy.
“I'll be back, okay? I'm not leaving, just going downstairs.”
He nodded and nestled into Johannes’s soft blankets. I could only see a tuft of his dark hair when he finally settled in.
Quietly, Sue and I crept down the stairs. Chesca greeted us at the bottom with two steaming cups of tea. I mumbled my thanks before I took a sip.
“You two seem like you could take something stronger, but Johannes keeps his alcohol stashed in his office.” Chesca sighed.
“Don't you worry your pretty little head,” Sue said as she zipped up her jacket. “I have an entire bottle of wine with my name written on it at home. Like, literally, I wrote my name on it. Somehow that last bottle I bought disappeared.” She shook her head.
“Sue, are you sure you didn't drink it?”
“That... would be a possibility.”
Chesca laughed. “So, where are the boys? They didn't hurt each other, did they?” She had one brow raised like she anticipated that the brothers had gotten themselves into trouble.
“Who knows.” I set my drink down on the living room coffee table. “Ben had trouble maintaining his form. After we got him calmed down, Johannes got so angry that he took off. Atohi went after him.”
“Johannes told me Ben was having issues, but I thought he had found a successful medication.” Chesca’s shoulders slumped forward.
“Whoever is taking people has the doctor that was treating Ben. He’s the only one that’s been able to help.”
“There has to be someone out there who can help him. He’s just a kid,” Sue said, her voice sad.
I rubbed my sweaty palms against my knees. “Maybe me.”
“That's great! How?” Sue leaned against the side of the couch.
“As a Paean, I have healing powers, but it’s not a guaranteed fix, and I don’t have any of my powers trained, but I will figure it out even if it kills me.” I cupped my face in my hands and finally let my tears out about everything.
Sue and Chesca moved to either side of me, both rubbing at my back.
“Cherie, please, no more tears. You’re breaking my heart.”
The thumping of Ben’s tiny feet on the hardwood of the stairs caught my attention. I quickly wiped at my eyes and pulled away from the girls to go scoop him up. “Sweetie, you should be resting in bed.”
“Why are you crying, Mama? Did I do something wrong? I’m sorry if I upset you.” Fat tears welled in his eyes.
“You did nothing wrong, Ben. You’re absolutely perfect, okay? Let’s go snuggle in bed.”
“Sugar, I’ll talk to you later. Call me if you need anything,” Sue said before saying goodbye to Chesca and leaving.
As soon as I had climbed the steps and practically dove with Ben under the covers, we were out like a light.
~~~
I stirred from my sleep at the sound of voices coming from the hall just outside the door. Ben snuggled closer to my chest, and I relaxed again.
“…given the appropriate tools, I may be able to craft something to lock his powers
,” Atohi spoke.
“It would need to be something more powerful than that rudimentary necklace Alice was given. Something to lock all of his powers. But I don't like the idea of stifling him like that, even if it would work.”
“It won't be permanent—just until we can find that doctor.”
“This used to only happen maybe once a year. The medication kept everything in check. I can't lose him, brother.” I had never heard Johannes sound quite so sad and broken before.
“You know we'd never let that happen.”
“I'm surprised you're so willing to help me after everything. I know I shouldn't have pursued Zella. I knew how you felt, and I still gave in to the temptation.”
“If you had talked to me, I would have been happy for the two of you. But you kept everything from me like you always do. That is what truly hurt me, Ben.” Atohi was starting to raise his voice, but that wasn’t what made my breath catch in my throat.
Ben. Atohi had used Johannes’s true name.
Johannes was silent. I could feel the tension coming from the hallway. Apparently not everything was going to be resolved in one talk.
They finally opened the door and entered.
“Hm, something so beautiful about a woman sleeping in your bed with your child.” Johannes sighed.
I grabbed a decorative pillow I had shoved aside earlier to try to toss at his face from my lying position. He laughed as he caught it. Ben whined and stretched before snuggling back against my chest, a little bit of drool soaking into my sweater. “Look, you almost made me wake him up.”
Johannes raised a brow. “I do believe you were the one that chose to throw the pillow.”
Atohi carefully sat next to me on the bed, brushing some hair behind my ear before pressing a sweet kiss to my lips.
“Sorry I left,” I said. “I figured it was better to take Ben back home.”
“That was the best course of action. Chesca said there was a little incident?” Johannes didn’t look angry, but I was still a little nervous to tell him that I’d inadvertently made Ben cry with my own crying.
“Just some tears,” I confessed.
“How is he doing?” Atohi asked. He ran a hand gently through Ben’s hair.
“We’ve been napping, but he looks like he’s doing better. But, we need to figure out what we’re doing and soon.” I sat up, trying to slip out from beneath Ben so that I could talk to the boys downstairs.
Eyes Like Autumn (Seasons of the Magi Book 1) Page 19