Saving Jane Doe

by Carolyn Purcell

“I’m glad you’re still here, Cara.” Jessie saved me from the worst game I had ever played when she got home at nine o’clock.

  “So am I. I wondered what happened today.”

  “I had to see my children.”

  “Did you see them?” I followed Jessie around as she hung her coat in the hall closet, put the teakettle on, and got chamomile tea, teapot, and cups from the cabinet.

  “Yes, I saw them, but Jeff and Ellen wouldn’t talk to me. They came home from school, saw me sitting in the living room, and went to their rooms. They didn’t even say hello. Before I left, I went upstairs and knocked on their locked doors. They wouldn’t let me in.”

  “I am so sorry, Jessie.”

  “Grace was Grace. She ran, threw herself into my arms, and clung to my leg the whole time I was there. She was always an independent little girl. This has affected her in a different way than it has Jeff and Ellen. They’re angry with me, and Grace seemed afraid I would leave her again. She had never been afraid of anything. She cried when I left.” At that, Jessie wept. “Why couldn’t I have gone home before George married again?” What could anyone say to that?

  After she collected herself, Jessie continued, “Mary wanted me to leave before George came home from work. Imagine that in my own house! Anyway, I insisted that I needed to talk to him about the children and I wouldn’t leave. Finally, George came home. I couldn’t tell him much with Grace on my lap, but I did say that my purse and credit card were stolen while I was unconscious. I nearly died and came to in the hospital with no memory of who I was or how I got there. He wanted to know what was wrong, and I said that I preferred not to go into it all in front of Grace. Then he wanted to know what I was doing there. I told him I wanted to see my children. He sneered and said, ‘It seems they don’t want to see you.’ But Grace said, ‘I want to see Mommy.’” The teakettle whistled interrupting Jessie’s report. She made the tea then slumped in a chair at the kitchen table.

  “George told Mary to take Grace upstairs. She cried and screamed as Mary took her away. George said, ‘I think it’s time for you to go.’ I asked when we could talk, and he wanted to know what we had to talk about. When I said ‘our children,’ he said they were his children. ‘No judge will ever give you custody,’ he said. ‘That may be true,’ I told him, ‘but I have a right to visit them.’ Finally, he agreed to meet me in Paris next Friday to talk about it. Jeff has a middle school basketball game there. George will come early and talk to me before the game. Ellen and Grace will stay with Mary, and Jeff will be with his team.”

  I took the teabags from the pot and poured two cups of tea. “I’m glad you’ll have a chance to talk alone.”

  “I want you to go with me, Cara.”

  “Why?”

  “He will have questions about what happened to me in the hospital. You still know more about that than I do.” I wondered if she was afraid to meet George alone.

  I asked to leave early the next Friday afternoon, and Jessie and I drove to the picturesque town of Paris. We met George in a diner on Main Street, up the street from the courthouse. He was waiting when we got there.

  “Why did you bring her?” he asked as soon as he saw me.

  “She knows more about what happened to me than I do. I thought she might be able to answer questions that I couldn’t.” Jessie and I hung our coats on a coatrack attached to the booth where George sat with a cup of coffee in front of him. We sat side by side opposite him. Jessie looked beautiful. She had taken care to apply her makeup and fix her hair. She wore a beautiful purple cashmere sweater and black slacks. George, dressed in jeans and a UK sweatshirt, had not shaved.

  “Okay, Jess. Level with me. Why did you go to the city?”

  “I went to have an abortion.”

  “You what?” he said. “You were pregnant?”

  “Yes, and I just couldn’t do it.”

  “You could’ve told me.”

  “Could I?”

  “Well, I never would have allowed you to murder our baby.” He was red in the face and raised his voice when he spoke.

  “Please, George, keep your voice down. I knew how you felt. I thought I could take care of it and you wouldn’t know. I’m sorry. I was wrong. I never dreamed all this could happen.”

  “What did happen?” Before Jessie could answer, the waitress who had been standing by the counter listening came to take our order. She glared at Jessie as we asked for coffee. When she left, Jessie continued.

  “After the woman performed the abortion, I started to bleed. At some point I passed out and someone stole my purse. When I woke up after a month, I was in the hospital and couldn’t remember any of it. I even denied I had an abortion until Cara showed me the pathology report.”

  “Was this baby Rh-positive?”

  Jessie looked at me. “Cara?”

  “We didn’t check a blood type.”

  “So you could have killed a healthy baby.”

  “There’s a very low chance of that, but yes, I guess I could have. That didn’t occur to me until after the fact.”

  “Why did you get amnesia?”

  “The psychiatrist said they thought because of the multiple stresses, physical and emotional.”

  “Jessie nearly died, George,” I felt compelled to add.

  “What happened?”

  “She got an infection, then shock lung. She was on a respirator for a month.”

  “Who’s paying for that?”

  “I am trying to get Medicaid. That will pay for most of it,” Jessie said.

  “I’m not paying a dime.”

  “I’m not asking you to.”

  “What are you asking me?”

  “I want to share custody of our children.”

  “When hell freezes over. They’re staying with me. You deserted them for a year and a half, and your cockamamie story about amnesia won’t cut it with any judge in this country. Are you going to tell the judge you had an illegal abortion and then expect him to give you your children? He ought to send you to jail.” The waitress brought the coffee in time to hear that remark.

  “George, please. I know what I did was wrong, but you know I love our children, and you know they need their mother.”

  “Yes, I know better than you do. I know what they went through when you left, what we all went through. They have a new mother, and they are better now. I will not have them upset again, and I will not let you tell them that you killed their little brother or sister as an excuse for leaving them.”

  “I wouldn’t tell them that, but they need to know that their mother loves them and didn’t desert them on purpose.”

  “They don’t want to be with you. Didn’t they make that clear?”

  “Grace does.”

  “What makes you think you could take care of them anyway? You surely don’t think a judge is going to let you have the kids and make me pay child support after what has happened.”

  “I just know that I am their mother, and I want to be with them.”

  “Oh, you know that now do you?”

  “I have a job as a housekeeper.” Jessie’s coffee sat cold and untouched.

  “Where have you been living?”

  “In the housekeeper’s quarters.”

  “Do you think your employer is going to let you keep three children there?”

  “No, well, I don’t know. I will have to look into where we could live.”

  “Get back to me when you work that one out.”

  Jessie’s arguments got less and less convincing as they talked. It seemed like she was actually shrinking. Finally, she said, “Please, George. Let me see them.”

  “Okay, Jessie. I’ll make you a deal. You let this custody thing drop, and I’ll let you take Grace every other weekend. I won’t make Jeff and Ellen go with you when they don’t want to. If they change their mind, they can visit you too. That’s the best a judge would give you anyway.”

  Desperate for whatever she could get, Jessie said, “Can I get Grace next weekend?�
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  “No, you can pick her up the weekend after that. Next weekend is her birthday, and Mary has planned a party for her.”

  Jessie gasped and seemed to shrink even more. In a voice so low I could hardly hear her she whispered, “I’d forgotten that.” Then after a pause, she raised her head and squared her shoulders. “I’ll be there in two weeks then. Let’s go, Cara.”

  I thought we would go straight home, but Jessie had another idea. “Would you mind going to the basketball game? This is Jeff’s second year on the team, and I’ve never seen him play. Playing basketball was all he talked about the summer before I left. That fall was the first year he was old enough to play.”

  The gym was small, only ten rows of bleachers on each side of the court. At one end, tables were set up to sell popcorn and soda in cups with no ice. The teams were warming up when we got there. We were given a mimeographed sheet with each team’s players, positions, and numbers. Jeff, number ten, was by far the tallest boy on either team. While Jessie had seemed excited about seeing Jeff, she became more reticent as we got to the gym.

  “Maybe I shouldn’t let him see me,” she said. “I don’t want to upset him before the game. Let’s sit on the home side. His team is visiting, so he wouldn’t expect me to be there.”

  I started to argue that he needed to know she cared enough to be there, but in the end I just took my seat and said nothing. Jessie didn’t watch the game. She watched Jeff when he played and when he sat on the bench. If he saw her sitting on the back row, he didn’t show it. Being a big Kentucky Wildcat basketball fan, I was used to watching really good basketball. This grade school game was different. Jeff’s team won with a score of sixteen to twelve. He scored ten of the sixteen points. It reminded me of a story Uncle Henry used to tell about the first game he ever played. His team won five to three, and he was the high scorer for both teams.

  I suggested we go and congratulate Jeff after the game. “It won’t upset him to see you now,” I said. I wish I had not.

  We waited outside the locker rooms. When the team came out, two boys said, “Hello, Mrs. Green,” but Jeff walked by and looked the other way. It may or may not have upset him, but it certainly upset her.

  Jessie skipped class all week. When I arrived on Friday evening, Uncle Henry’s furniture had lost its shine. Jessie came to dinner with unkempt hair, a wrinkled blouse, and red, swollen eyes. Dinner was delicious, chicken in a mustard-mushroom sauce with wild rice and a green salad. She was still taking care of Uncle Henry, if not herself. She ate only a few bites. Conversation was slow. Jessie spoke only when spoken to. Finally, I asked Uncle Henry if she had talked to him about having the children come every other weekend.

  “I think we should try it,” he said. “This old house hasn’t had children playing in it since you were a child, Cara.”

  “I knew you wouldn’t mind.”

  “There is plenty of room. They can use the two small bedrooms beside Jessie’s room. I wouldn’t even have to know they were here if I didn’t want to.”

  “I can’t wait to meet them.”

  “Well, you will get to meet Grace. I doubt the other two will come,” Jessie said.

  “All in its own time,” Uncle Henry said. “That’s in Ecclesiastes, you know.”

  “Yes, we know. What have you planned to do, Jessie?”

  “If the weather is nice, I thought we would go to the park. If not, then I thought we could go to the library and get them cards so they can have books to read here that they don’t have to carry from home.”

  “I told Jessie that she should go through the attic and see if she can find some of the children’s games we kept for you, Cara. Grace may not want to play Scrabble.”

  “I played Scrabble with them at home. They didn’t score like you do, Mr. Henry, but they liked to play.”

  When it came time for us to play Scrabble, Jessie asked to be excused. “I’m going to look for jobs when I go to Washington next week to pick up Grace. I ordered the Maysville paper, and it came in the mail today. I need to check the help-wanted ads. I applied for an official name change from Jessica Green to Jessica Ferguson, so I can use my old Social Security number and keep the college credits I earned as Jessica Ferguson.”

  “So you’ve decided to move back?” I said.

  “It would be best. I could be there for the children’s activities and see them more, even if I don’t have custody.”

  “Where would you live?”

  “That’s the problem. There are very few apartments there, and I doubt I can make enough to rent a house.”

  “Jessie, I hope you know you can stay here as long as you want,” Uncle Henry said. “Plus, you can use the car as much as you need to go there for the children.”

  “Thank you, Mr. Henry. I do know that, and I can’t thank you enough.”

  Jessie went to class that next week but skipped on Friday. She left early for the job search, picked up Grace, and was back in Lexington by the time I came for dinner. Uncle Henry had suggested pizza for dinner. I was to pick it up at Joe Bologna’s, an Italian restaurant near the university. Though that was not his favorite food, Uncle Henry thought Grace would like it and Jessie wouldn’t have to cook. Ellen was at home, but as expected she refused to come, using ballgames and homework as excuses. Jeff was not even at home.

  Unknown to Jessie, Uncle Henry also asked me to pick up an ice cream cake at Baskin Robbins. He decided that Grace should have a birthday party with her mother as well as the one she had at home.

  Grace was adorable, a tiny little girl, much smaller than you would expect for her age. She had her mother’s dark curly hair and blue eyes. She was so pale she reminded me of the way her mother looked in the ER. She noticed everything and asked questions nonstop. Uncle Henry delighted in showing her around the house. Her favorite room was his favorite, the library.

  “I like to read.” She ran into the room. “Oh, does the fireplace work? We have one at home, but we can’t use it.”

  “Why, yes, it works, Grace, but I haven’t had a fire for a long time. Would you like to have a fire?”

  “Oh, yes, please, could we?” We were all warmed by that fire and by the child who suggested it. I wondered why we had played Scrabble by that fireplace for two winters and never had a fire.

  Grace did like the pizza. She chose the one with onions, mushrooms, and green peppers along with pepperoni instead of the plain cheese which I expected she would choose. She ate one piece of pizza and a small slice of birthday cake. Uncle Henry had balloons delivered, which helped to make a party. He even had a present for Grace, a small gold heart necklace that had a Celtic cross engraved on it. It had belonged to Aunt Edna when she was a child. Jessie was as pleased as Grace with this second birthday party.

  After Grace went to bed, Jessie told us about her job search. “First I checked at the hospital where I worked before. They had filled my job after a couple of weeks and didn’t have any openings. The paper listed a receptionist job in an insurance agency, but that one was filled on Monday. The other jobs were in fast food restaurants, and they didn’t even pay minimum wage. There never have been many jobs there for women with no skills. The best jobs are for nurses and teachers.”

  “Maybe you should stay here in Lexington long enough to finish your nursing education,” I said. “You would be able to make a better living.”

  “That’s true,” Uncle Henry said. “You can bring the children here for weekends.”

  Grace and Jessie had a wonderful weekend. Saturday was a bright winter day, unseasonably warm. They went to the park and the library. On Sunday they went to church with Uncle Henry and then Jessie took her home.

  I had hoped that Jessie’s sadness would lessen after she had a weekend with Grace, but just the opposite happened. On Monday, Uncle Henry called me as I was finishing in the clinic.

  “Cara, I think you need to come and check on Jessie.”

  “What’s going on, Uncle Henry?”

  “She’s been in her r
oom all day, didn’t go to class, and hasn’t eaten. I’m worried about her.”

  “I have another patient to see. I’ll come by in about an hour. Do you need me to bring dinner?”

  “Chinese would be good.”

  When I got to the house, Uncle Henry answered the door. “I’ll put the food in the dining room,” he said. “Go see about Jessie.”

  When I knocked, a cold draft coming from under Jessie’s bedroom door raised the hair on my arms. “Jessie, I brought Chinese for dinner. Come have something to eat.”

  “I’m not hungry.”

  “May I come in?” When there was no answer, I tried the door and discovered that it was not locked. Inside I found the window open with Jessie sitting on the ledge.

  “Don’t come any closer, Cara. I need to jump, but I’m afraid.”

  “Jessie, please come back into the room and let me close the window. It’s freezing in here.”

  There were no tears, no frowns. She raised her head and looked at me momentarily before looking back at the ground below. Her eyes were as cold as the room—empty of hope, steeled in determination. “I can’t live with what I’ve done.”

  “Please come in. We’ll call Dr. Whyte. Maybe he can help you.”

  “There is no help for me. I’ve ruined everything. My children are better off without me.”

  “Grace isn’t. She loved being with you.”

  “And it broke her heart when I left her, again.”

  “She’ll get used to going back and forth. She can at least have you part of the time. Come on, Jessie. Give it some time.”

  Uncle Henry stepped into the doorway. “What’s going on here?” When he saw Jessie on the window ledge, his voice changed and had an authority I had not heard before. “Jessie, you get off that ledge and back into this room this minute.”

  Jessie raised her head and looked into his eyes. He held her gaze for what seemed like hours but was in reality a few seconds.

  “I should have died in that hallway, Mr. Henry.”

  “That’s your opinion, but God has a different one. Besides, if you had died then, I might have died from that stroke. Come in, Jessie. This is as wrong as anything you’ve ever done.”