Saving Jane Doe

by Carolyn Purcell

  “Did you deliver all of those babies?” she asked as Anita, my nurse, showed Elaine into my office.

  “Yes. I noticed you looked as though you were enjoying the photos. We used to have them stuck on a bulletin board but found the albums more popular and easier to peruse.”

  “I love children. It must be wonderful to be the first person to touch them.”

  “Well, their mothers are first, but attending birth is a wonderful experience. Do you have children?”

  She dropped her gaze and shifted in her chair. “No.”

  Initially she said she was there for a routine checkup and denied problems, so the interview was short. We moved on to her physical exam. Her exam completed, she dressed and returned to the consultation office.

  “Congratulations, Mrs. Green, you’re pregnant.” Usually when I say those words, patients respond with smiles and sometimes tears of joy. I thought that in light of our earlier conversation she would be happy; we could set a follow-up appointment and I would be on to the next patient, but her tears held no joy. I knew this would take a while.

  “Mrs. Green, is something wrong?”

  She made an effort to control her trembling and hide her expressive face behind her long blonde hair. “Dr. Parker, what am I going to do? My husband has had a vasectomy.” Suddenly, concern about other patients’ waiting seemed like nothing compared to this woman’s problems. When she tucked her hair behind her ear and looked at me, her narrowed eyes and furrowed brow showed her distress.

  “I am so sorry. Of course, I should have asked if you wanted to have a baby.”

  “I do want to have a baby more than anything.” Sometimes it’s best to say nothing and give people time to tell their story. I waited.

  “I love my husband very much. He’s a good man and would be a wonderful father. I want to have his baby. Dr. Parker, you know my husband. He’s the one who wanted me to see you.”

  “Who is he?”

  “Mike Green.”

  I wanted to cry. Not only did I know her husband, I loved him. His first wife, Sara, had been my patient. I watched him stand by her during her battle with breast cancer. I argued with the urologist over his agreeing to perform the vasectomy, and I still held it against the man. Mike was twenty-six at the time. We were all hopeful that Sara was cured but recommended that she avoid pregnancy. Since she had been through so much, Mike didn’t want her to have a tubal ligation. I thought a healthy man so young should keep his options open and wanted Sara to have an intrauterine device, but they decided on the vasectomy. A year later she died after spending months in the hospital, during which time I got to know Mike very well.

  He grew up in a small town in northern Kentucky. Spending summers with his paternal grandparents, who lived on a farm nearby, he learned to love animals and the outdoors. He and Sara had two Labrador retrievers with whom Mike ran every day. If being an attentive husband under such difficult circumstances were not enough to make you love him, there were his rugged good looks, his intelligence, and his manners.

  Elaine continued, “I was one of Sara’s best friends. Several months after she died, I started seeing Mike. I knew he had the vasectomy, but I loved him enough to give up having children if he wouldn’t have it reversed or if a reversal failed. We married and have been very happy, but lately he has worked night and day. He does every tax season, but now he is so busy his work doesn’t slow down much at any time.” Her voice broke.

  After a long pause she continued, “About three weeks ago Mike and I quarreled about his long hours and the fact that we had not made love in weeks. I told him I felt lonely and missed him. I had to go out of town to a meeting for a long weekend, and I begged him to go. He said he just couldn’t with his work, and I thought I understood, but I was still angry and disappointed.

  “Greg Miller, one of Mike’s golfing buddies and my boss, attended the meeting. He is a very attractive man and the topic of much discussion at the office. We all laughed at one of the secretaries who almost got caught cruising by his house at midnight. She bought a new car that turned out to be a lemon. It died at the corner two houses down from his, and he came home while she was sitting there. He didn’t recognize her, and she had to call Triple A from his neighbor’s house.

  “I had never thought about Greg in that way, so after dinner the first night of the meeting when he suggested we relax and watch a movie in my room, I agreed. I was still feeling angry and lonely. He brought a bottle of wine, and I had two glasses. I told him about the argument I had with Mike, and he took my side. I thought he was comforting me when he put his arm around me, and when he flirted I felt flattered. I was mad at Mike, but I knew nothing would happen. Greg was Mike’s friend. Maybe I gave him the wrong impression.

  “When he kissed me, I pulled away but he was insistent. He put his hand inside my blouse and I tried to push him away again. He stared at me with a cold, piercing look and said, ‘I don’t want any trouble.’ I felt frozen to the spot, like I could see my breath in the chill. I was afraid, but I couldn’t get up and leave. We were in my room. Neither could I think of a way to make him leave. I tried reasoning with him, reminded him that I was married, that he was one of Mike’s best friends, that the office had a policy against sexual relationships among the employees. He said that no one would ever know. I said, ‘I will know. Please leave.’ His response was to pick me up and throw me onto the bed. I hadn’t thought about birth control for three years. I guess Greg must have assumed I was on the pill.”

  “Are you saying you were raped?”

  “Can you believe, I don’t know?” Elaine said, her eyes wide. “I didn’t want to have sex with Greg. I said no, but I didn’t fight. I felt fear rather than attraction. I have since wondered what else I could have or should have done. It seems less painful to feel flattered and seduced than to admit I was assaulted.”

  “So you did not report this to anyone?”

  “No, I still have to work with him.”

  “Elaine, did you suspect you were pregnant when you came to see me today?”

  “Well, I guess I knew I could be. I was a few days late, but that has happened before.”

  Hoping the answer was no, I asked, “Have you discussed the possibility with anyone?”

  “Well, Greg noticed that I was upset. I think he was worried that I might report what happened. I mentioned that I was going to the doctor. He knows I could be pregnant. He said he would help me if I am.”

  Though I couldn’t say it, I thought he had helped his friends enough. Instead I asked, “What kind of help did he have in mind?”

  “I guess he meant he would take me for an abortion. I believe abortion is wrong, and I always said I would never have one, but now I don’t know. I’ve never demonstrated, but I’ve been critical of women who had abortions.”

  “Contrary to what some people think, abortion is not an easy way out.”

  Again she said, this time pitifully, “Dr. Parker, what am I going to do? I really want to have a baby, but I love my husband. Do you think I’m awful?”

  I thanked God I was not premenstrual, tried to suppress my emotions and find the right words to say. I didn’t know how responsible she was for this mess, but I felt very sorry for her and I believed her when she said she loved her husband. I loved him too.

  “Elaine, I try very hard not to judge. Have you and Mike ever considered having a vasectomy reversal?”

  “We discussed it at first, but I didn’t want to have a baby then, and he seemed relieved. After I felt differently, I didn’t know how to tell him.”

  “Can you tell Mike what you just told me and ask him to forgive you?”

  “No,” she said without a moment’s hesitation.

  “Are you absolutely sure of that?”

  “He would never forgive me. When he was twelve years old his mother ran off with a man, deserting him and his sisters. Several months later, his parents divorced and he has seen very little of his mother since. He had been very close to her, being
the oldest. He never forgave her, and he won’t forgive me. I simply cannot do this to him. I don’t want to lose him. I depend on him for everything. I can’t imagine my life without him.”

  I tried a different tack. “Since you really do want to have a baby, abortion will be a very difficult option for you. Mike is going to notice you’re upset. I would suggest you tell him as much of the truth as possible. Tell him you want a baby, and ask him to have the vasectomy reversal. Elaine, you’re going to need someone to support you through this. Do you have family here?”

  “No. I’m an only child; my mother is dead, and I rarely speak to my father.”

  “What about friends?”

  “My best friends from church are pro-life activists. They do lectures and demonstrate. My next best friends are Mike’s sisters. After them are the people from work, who also know the firm’s policy against sexual activity among employees.”

  “I don’t often come right out and tell my patients what to do, but I am making an exception here. Please don’t discuss this with Greg. If you really want to protect your husband, do not give his friend any more knowledge of what is going on than he already has. Tell Greg you are not pregnant, and don’t let him be your confidant. Think of someone else, or call me if you need to. Even though you didn’t fight him off, he was not being your friend when he forced himself on you. I doubt you can trust him with this.”

  “Thank you, Dr. Parker. I’m sure that’s good advice. I’ll need someone to talk to.”

  “You’re about five weeks’ pregnant now. You have about five more weeks for abortion to remain a safe option. Please consider this decision carefully. Let’s schedule a consultation visit next week so you can ask whatever questions come to mind after you have had time to think. I don’t perform abortions, but this office can assist you with scheduling if that is what you decide. If I can help you in any way, please don’t hesitate to call me.” I couldn’t remember a time when I felt any more helpless.

  Elaine sat quietly a moment. “What kind of choice do I have? Either I choose to destroy my baby, or I choose to destroy my marriage.” In that moment I understood why people feel like helpless victims. If the consequences of your actions are terrible either way, you don’t realize you have a real choice to make.

  A week later Elaine came to discuss her situation. Her shoulders slumped and she held her head down. Dark circles beneath her eyes said she had not slept and was no closer to a decision.

  “You look tired,” I said as she walked into my office.

  “I haven’t been sleeping, and I’m queasy all the time.”

  “Have you had any bleeding or pain?” I used the old doctor’s ploy of dealing with physical problems when emotional ones are difficult to address.

  “No, I guess it’s just morning sickness.”

  “Have you made a decision?”

  “No, I keep going back and forth. I went shopping for some shoes and ended up in the baby department. I ran into an acquaintance there, and she asked if I was pregnant. She was so excited that we might be pregnant together. I lied and said I was looking for a shower present.”

  “Have you discussed this with anyone?”

  “No, but you were right about one thing. Mike did notice I was upset about something. I told him I wanted to have a baby, and he shocked me by saying he would go get a vasectomy reversal as soon as the late filing period is over. He said he had been thinking about it himself, and he wanted to have a baby too. I was elated, but the feeling didn’t last long. I know I have to have an abortion. I guess I should go ahead and have your secretary help make the arrangements, but I’m just not ready.”

  “You still have some time. Do you have any other questions?”

  “No.”

  About two weeks later Elaine called. “I can’t have this baby,” she said. “Mike would never forgive me if he found out. He will not tolerate infidelity.”

  “But, if you were forced . . .”

  “I could never convince him of that. I haven’t even convinced myself. No, I have to have an abortion even though I want to have a baby.”

  I gave her the name of a reputable doctor in Cincinnati, about ninety miles away. I explained that I could see her for her six-week postoperative visit if she did not want to repeat the trip to Cincinnati. A sense of foreboding washed over me when she said that Greg would be taking her. I wished she had not confided in him. I felt certain that it would increase the strain on her marriage. Maybe she was not as interested in saving her marriage as I believed. Still, she was having an abortion to save it—an abortion when she wanted to have a baby.

  CHAPTER 11

  A few days later a red Corvette with a vanity plate, STUD, caught my eye as Jon and I watched the evening news. The Corvette was parked in front of an abortion clinic where a pro-life demonstration was taking place. The second abortion doctor had just been murdered on July 29, 1994, and more demonstrations followed. I listened with interest because the first doctor, killed in Florida, had been my medical school classmate. Already upset about his death, I was even more disturbed when I learned how unkind people had been to his family. Regardless of how people felt about his occupation, his mother had lost a son. How in the name of pro-life can someone kill? As I listened to the story, I realized this was the same clinic where Elaine had gone for her abortion and wondered if Greg drove a red Corvette.

  Two days later the headline in the morning paper read “Local Accountant Kills Wife’s Lover.” The article said there had been a struggle and Greg Miller, a local attorney, was killed by Mike Green, the husband of Elaine Green, a paralegal for Miller’s law office. The article alleged that Green had learned of an affair between Miller and his wife. I knew Elaine would suffer as a result of the abortion, but I had no idea how much, how quickly, or how much others would suffer as well. Somehow I knew Greg had betrayed her.

  Six weeks later Elaine came into my office for her post abortion checkup. She was neatly dressed, wearing makeup, and had an attractive clasp in her hair. “You look good,” I said as I walked into the exam room.

  “Mike is out of jail on bond. I try to look my best, but he still won’t speak to me. He stays in the guestroom.”

  I designed the tables in my exam rooms to be at standing height so as to be efficient with my time and not be tempted to talk too long. This time I just sat on my stool and looked up at Elaine who sat at the end of the exam table.

  “Elaine, what in the world happened? I can’t imagine Mike killing anybody.”

  She held my gaze only a moment then stared out the window and spoke in a vacant tone. “Because of the infidelity, they say Mike had a motive for killing Greg, but, Dr. Parker, it was an accident.” She looked back at me. “Mike and I were watching the news and saw Greg’s car parked at the abortion clinic.”

  “Not the red Corvette?”

  “Yes, the red Corvette, you can’t miss it. The day after the abortion, Greg stopped by the house, and Mike teased him about seeing the car. He said, ‘Tough luck having CNN tell the world you knocked up your girlfriend. I saw your car on TV, buddy. You need to practice safe sex or drive an Escort.’ Well, that made Greg mad, and he said, ‘Why don’t you ask your wife what she knows about it?’”

  Elaine paused for a moment. “Mike turned to me with the question. I started to cry, and he said, ‘What’s he talking about; what do you know about it?’ He still did not imagine the horrible truth. He trusted me completely.

  “When I said nothing, he turned back to Greg who said, ‘If you took care of your wife, none of this would have happened. I took her to have an abortion.’ I shouldn’t have been surprised that Greg betrayed me that way, but I was.

  “I will never forget the stricken look on Mike’s face as he just stood there. Greg moved over to him in a threatening sort of way and said, ‘Well, what do you say to that?’

  “Mike looked at me and said, ‘How did you get pregnant?’

  “‘Unsafe sex with your buddy.’ Greg snarled and shoved Mike in the
chest.

  “Mike shoved back and caused Greg to trip over an ottoman. He fell, hit his head on the corner of the raised hearth, and was knocked unconscious. As he called 911, Mike said, ‘Get a blanket and a pillow.’ He covered Greg with the blanket and laid his head on the pillow. When the ambulance arrived, Greg was still alive but died within seconds. They tried CPR then called the coroner and the police. We both gave the same statement, but they arrested Mike. The prosecutor is trying for a second-degree murder charge, but Mike’s attorney would only plead guilty to manslaughter.”

  Elaine looked away again. I could feel the warmth in my face and my clenched jaw. I felt like I was listening to Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture with stereo headphones. War raged between my ears. Poor Mike, I thought, he’s going to spend his life in prison over this. Poor Elaine, she’s a victim too. She was probably raped, and now she’s going to lose her husband and her baby. The sympathy troops even got reinforcement from a kind thought for Greg’s mother, she’s lost her son too—but the fury force fought back. I told Elaine not to trust Greg. I wanted to scream at her. Why didn’t you listen to me? In the end the professional won. “I am so sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?”

  Tears streaked her perfect makeup, and, not hearing me, she continued, “I’m not sleeping or eating. I don’t know if I can go on.”

  The makeup told me the answer to my next question was no, but I had to ask, “Elaine, have you considered harming yourself in any way?”

  “No, I don’t deserve to live, but I won’t ever do that. Somehow I have to make this up to Mike. His suffering is my fault. Having sex with his friend was wrong. Having an abortion was wrong. Trusting Greg was wrong. And taking my own life would be wrong. I have to begin doing the right thing sometime. I just don’t know what it is.”

  “Elaine, when my Uncle Henry needed guidance for something, he looked up key words in the concordance portion of his Bible. He would read the verse and the whole passage, trying to get the right context. Uncle Henry was a wise man.”