by Logan Jacobs
“Coolio, indeed,” she smirked, “You still have a ways to go until you reach the numbers of Team Amberfletch or Tyyraxx’s Tyrants of Terror which are in up closer to five hundred trillion. But I’m confident you’ll get there. Let’s talk about how Marc’s wins have aided his homeworld. Mr. President, I see you are looking very well today.”
“I am,” the POTUS said quickly and without hesitation. “Marc’s last victory, which was absolutely just the best tremendous, gave us the technology for cellular regeneration. Aging is now a thing of the past. Not that I showed my age at all. I have the best genetics. I had my people trademark the technology, and now everyone can look thirty-five well into their seventies. We are a planet of tens. Absolute tens. Best looking people in the galaxy. Super hard bodies everywhere, Marc. You’re gonna love it.”
“Awesome,” I said happily, “that must be really helping with things like cancer and degenerative diseases like arthritis, too.”
“Yes, yes,” the President said with a wave, “all those things that normal people have. Sure.”
“How does that make you feel, Marc?” Trillium asked. Her watchful eyes studied me like a poker player.
“Pretty great, actually,” I responded with a little surge of pride. “I think knowing that is what helps me when it feels like I might not win. I’m not just fighting for myself. My own survival. I mean, hey, that’s a pretty big motivator, I won’t lie. I very much like being alive. But it sure doesn’t suck knowing that I… I don’t know, might help cure cancer or something? That doesn’t suck at all.”
“How very philanthropic,” Trillium said as if almost bored.
“I taught him that,” the President chimed in. “He is the most philanthropist, philanthropistic, he is very good at philanthropy. As am I. Tremendous.”
“Speaking of sucking,” Trillium said with a wild glint in her eye, “let’s talk about all the wild rumors that have been floating about lately about your relationships with your fellow alliance mates.”
“I’m sorry, w-what?” I stuttered. Surely, I must not have heard her correctly.
“Well, Marc, come on?” Her smooth voice slunk out of her ruby red lips and dripped with innuendo. “As of this moment, you are the only champion with an alliance composed completely of the opposite sex. Co-ed teams are nothing new, but you have managed to take it to a whole new level. And, might I say, well done. Nova Qwark, Aurora Starfall and PoLarr Inarra. Three magnificent female specimens who are as deadly as they are beautiful. Powerful champions in their own right. And you, an exciting, yet woefully underpowered champion from a barely heard of world, has managed to snag all three.”
“Is there a question in there, T. Vou?” I asked. The smile on my face was fake as fuck. I did not like what she was attempting to insinuate. Not one bit. Oh, yeah, and she’d insulted me and my planet too. I glanced over quickly at Artemis and saw my lover’s eyes narrow dangerously.
“Of course Marc has chosen perfect hard body tens for his alliance mates,” the POTUS spoke for me. “What’s he supposed to do? Hang out with fatties? No. He’s got too much class. We’ll let the other garbage planets have all the uglies.”
I was actually a bit relieved at The President’s words. It gave me a few seconds to compose myself. Trillium wanted a big reaction out of me. It was almost a comfort to know that tabloid journalists were the same the universe over.
“You are a tremendous teacher, sir,” I responded. “Just tremendous.”
“See,” the President smiled proudly. “Tremendous.”
“Tremendous as it may well be,” Trillium continued undeterred, “it is still unprecedented. And rumors have already started that you may be romantically involved with one or all of your alliance mates. As well as your attaché, the equally attractive Artemis V-Five.”
“I don’t see what business that is of anyone other than me and my alliance mates,” I shot back and instantly regretted it when I saw the very cunning look on her face.
“So, there is truth to the rumors?” She said as she licked her very red lips.
“I didn’t say that,” I answered with as much forceful yet respectful confidence I could muster while inside I yelled at my own stupidity. I’d walked right into her trap.
“You didn’t not say it,” she countered masterfully.
“Marc, if I may?” The President cleared his throat.
“Uhh, yeah--” I said, but the man was already talking.
“Look, Vou.” He motioned with his hand in an OK sign. “I can understand your problem, you can’t resist our race.”
“What? No, that isn’t at all what-” the reporter started to say, but my fearless leader kept going.
“You have to be fantasizing about the size of his dick, it makes sense because we are so good looking, and we always win. It just seems trashy to be making a pass at Marc during the interview. I’m sure He would have no problem giving you a ride on his meat pogo stick later tonight, but all good reporters should stick to the topic at hand, and not get… what’s the word all the kids are saying nowadays? Thirsty? Yes. That’s a fantastic word.”
“Excuse me?” Vou gasped, and I saw the aliens behind the interview cameras look at each other with shock plain on their faces.
“Why else are you asking about his love life?” The President chuckled. “It’s unattractive to be so jealous and catty. Shame on you.”
“I…” Vou seemed lost for words, and I guessed that she had never had to deal with someone like the POTUS before.
“Shouldn’t we be talking about our progression into the Silver Tier or something like that?” I asked and tried to steer the topic away from my personal life.
“Meteoric rise,” the POTUS horned in, “Stunning. Fantastic, actually.”
“Yes,” Trillium grinned thankfully at me and then waved her hand. “Thank you so much for joining us today, Mr. President. We know you are a powerful and busy man so we will let you get back to whatever it is that you do.”
“I am--” the President started and then his holo-feed was cut, and he faded from existence.
“Now, back to your relationships with your alliance mates,” she put extra emphasis on the word ‘mates’.
“They are strong and capable warriors who I am lucky to have an alliance with,” I said with assurance.
“No doubt, no doubt, Marc,” Trillium quickly added as she read over something on the small, iPad like device she held just out of frame. “Let’s switch gears a bit, shall we?”
“With pleasure,” I shot back. My voice dripped with barely contained displeasure.
“Excellent,” she said with mock-innocence. “How about the recently reported rumors that you have a more than business-like relationship with Fallon Otaru, an alleged mob boss who recently attained a seat on the notorious Council of Nine No Ones?”
That one hit like a shot to the gut, and I was pretty damn sure that my face showed my surprise. I recovered as quickly as I could but not quickly enough.
“I have no idea what you are talking about?” I said as confidently as I could manage. I could see Artemis on the edge of my vision as she got up into the face of Trillium’s assistant.
“Oh? There have been reports of-”
“Miss Vou, this has been a fantastic interview,” I said as I began to stand. I made the executive decision that the interview was over. “But I’m sure you must know that the life of a champion is a busy one, and I need to get back to training. Got to make sure I give everyone a good show at the next match. Thank you.”
“No, thank you, Champion Havak,” she said. It wasn’t hard to hear the venom just under her sentiment. I may have just made a big tactical oopsie in pissing Trillium Vou off but at the moment I didn’t care. “And there you have it, folks. As unexpected and cagey out of the arena as he is in it. This has been T. Vou. Tune in next time for all the news and gossip there is to know in the exciting world of the Forge of Heroes.”
The red lights on all the cameras went as dark as my current m
ood, and the lights faded in intensity. I walked quickly over to Artemis who was in the middle of giving the assistant the third degree. The assistant just nodded automatically as if she was quite used to being harangued by angry guests.
“Forget it, Artie,” I said as I pulled her aside. “It’s not worth it.”
“I’m sorry, Marc,” Artemis said as we began to walk toward the exit. “I should have expected this.”
“Hey,” I said as I turned her to look at me, “it’s not your fault.”
“Marc, Marc, Marc,” Trillium placated as she quickly walked over to us. “Where are you off to in such a rush? I hope I didn’t overstep during the interview.”
“Not at all, Trillium,” I lied. If she wanted to play this passive aggressive ‘who me’ game, I would oblige wholeheartedly. “As I said, gotta’ get back to training. Don’t want to die and all in the next match. While good for short term ratings, I’m sure I’m much more valuable to everyone alive.”
“Well, you are more than just a pretty face,” Trillium smiled widely. “Looks, attitude, and a bit of brains, I can see why you’ve attracted such an attractive alliance.”
“Oh, I’m full of surprises, Vou,” I countered. She visibly stiffened at the use of her last name only as I knew she would. Which is why I’d used it.
“I bet you are,” she fumed. “I trust you know your way out. Until we meet again, Marc. Train well. I’m sure you could use it.”
And with that she turned and practically stormed away, her assistant close on her heels.
“That went well,” I said to Artemis sarcastically.
“No,” Artemis said as she watched Vou disappear through a doorway. “No, it did not.”
“Well, toothpaste can’t go back in the tube,” I shrugged. “I’m hungry, are you hungry? Let’s go eat.”
Without really waiting for an answer I started walking out the way we came in. As we passed through the ornate lobby, it was as if the temperature had dropped several degrees from the cold shoulder everyone in the building now gave us. Apparently one did not piss Trillium Vou off. I’m sure there would be hell to pay for that at some point, but it wasn’t now, and I wasn’t about to worry about a bitchy, headline desperate, news personality at the moment.
Artemis and I walked out the front door and smack into the middle of a massive, chaotic mob who all screamed my name.
Chapter Seven
The mob went nuts the second I stepped outside. I was beset by a menagerie of various aliens. Tall ones, short ones, green ones, ones that resembled cows on two legs. There was a group that looked like amoebas that held up crudely drawn signs that read: WE LOVE TEAM HAVAK!
“Champion Havak! Champion Havak!” A small alien that resembled a miniature hippo yelled to me at chest level. “Sign my book please.”
“Um, okay,” I responded automatically. The rush of people had short circuited my brain a bit, and I tried to think clearly. It was just very loud, and there were a lot of aliens suddenly all around me.
“Artie?” I called back. She was a few feet behind me and just as mobbed.
“Aretmis V-Five!” A lanky stick-like alien yelled. “It’s really the real Artemis V-Five!”
A small cheer went through the crowd, and they pushed in even closer. I signed the hippo’s books and before I could say anything another alien shoved a glossy eight by ten photo of me kicking a space troll into a chasm into my face. There were aliens all around me with various things for me to sign, and I started to sign them without even really thinking about it.
“You are so amazing!” Another alien yelled.
“Thanks,” I responded. “I really appreciate that.”
“Will moo sign my udders?” One of the cows on two legs asked. She had on a tube top that she yanked down to expose her very full udders and handed me a large felt-tipped pen.
“Okay,” I muttered, still overwhelmed, and signed the alien’s heaving chest. I was a little nervous but had to admit that this was pretty freaking cool. I kind of felt like a rock star.
“Oh my god! Moo are so fucking hot!” The cow screamed and kiss-licked my face with a big fat cow tongue. I laughed uncomfortably and moved to the next aliens that wanted an autograph. No matter how many I signed there just seemed to be more and more, and the small amount of personal space I had disappeared.
“Marc?” I heard Artemis yell and when I turned around she had been moved farther away from me by the undulation of the ever moving crowd.
“Artemis!” I yelled back and tried to make eye contact but there were just too many fans screaming in adoration. I glanced up and saw that the crowd stretched almost to the street. There must have been about two hundred excited fans surrounding me. And instead of getting calmer the more I signed autographs, boobs, udders and lower backs the energy just grew more hysterical.
I tried to move toward the last spot I saw Artemis but just ran into a wall of outstretched arms, claws, paws, and tentacles that held something for me to sign.
“Hey guys,” I said loudly, “thanks for the support but I think I need a little room to breathe here.”
Either the ones closest to me didn’t hear or didn’t care because they just crushed in tighter. I felt someone grab hold of my collar and before I knew it my suit jacket had been ripped right off my body. A fan that looked just like a floating eyeball with three arms held my blazer coat up high, and the crowd cheered.
“Oh boy,” I said to myself as the realization hit that this crowd had gotten very much out of hand. This was totally why superstar celebrities had refrigerator sized bodyguards.
The crush continued, and I almost lost my footing. Thankfully one of the amoeba creatures broke my fall. As I got back up, I looked up and saw Trillium Vou standing on a balcony three stories above us. She caught me looking at her, smiled, and waved down. I had a sudden epiphany that maybe she had orchestrated this little throng of adoration and mayhem. The press of people pushed in again in another surge, and I felt a trickle of panic. I did not want to end up as a news story about how a champion had been crushed to death by a mob of fans.
It was then that all the hair on my body stood on end, and a burst of blue-black smoke puffed around me with the strong smell of brimstone. A second later I stood on a raised pedestrian walkway one story up and two blocks away from the chaos with Artemis next to me.
We both looked at each other as tendrils of the smoke faded from all around us.
“That was a very close call, Marc Havak,” Chaz said from my right. “You too, Artemis.”
Before I could respond Artemis bent over and hugged the little blue alien tightly.
“Thank you, Chaz,” she gushed. “That is the first time I have ever experienced claustrophobia. It slurps a satchel full of penises! Thank you for getting us out of there.”
She set him down, and his cheeks burned bright pink as he blushed.
“Aw, shucks,” Chaz said and kicked the ground with his foot bashfully. “That’s what friends do. Help other friends out.”
“Yeah, thanks a ton, buddy,” I said and patted him on the shoulder. “Whoo, that was crazy, huh?”
“You said it, Marc,” Chaz added, “Team Havak has quite the following. I didn’t even know you were that popular. I mean, you are to me. I love Team Havak.”
“I had no idea, either,” Artemis said as she straightened out her jumpsuit. “I keep pretty good tabs on which teams are trending as part of our intel so that Grizz and I can adjust training strategies, and while we have been on a steady uptick, I didn’t think we’d reached that kind of rabid fan response yet.”
“As much as I’d like to think it is due to my sheer charismatic magnetism,” I said, “I think that was courtesy of ole’ T. Vou. I saw her watch the whole thing. She looked very pleased with herself.”
“Well that is not good,” Artemis sighed. “It makes sense after you and The President insulted her, but it is not right. Trillium Vou has a lot of influence, especially when it concerns manipulating popular opinion.
We might need to find a way to get back in her good graces. She could be a very powerful enemy.”
“I couldn’t help it, Artie,” I shrugged, “her questions were rude.”
“Oh, I totally agree, Marc,” she said. “I wanted to bop her lamp out.”
“Punch her lights out,” I corrected with a smile.
“Right,” she said with an emphatic nod of her head. “But still, we should try to figure out a way to make nice.”
“You are probably not wrong,” I admitted even though the thought of doing that made my stomach churn with discontent. And speaking of my stomach, my hunger returned in full force now that the danger of being squished flat as a pancake by adoring fans had been taken care of. “Now, how about getting some lunch?”
“Yes,” Artemis said and rubbed her stomach, “I am very hungry now. You want to join us, Chaz. Our treat. A little thank you for rescuing our fried pork belly.”
“W-Would I?” He stammered. I thought the little fella was going to come out of his skin. “Heck yes. I know this great Dolemidian place that has the best fried spider--”
“No!” Both Artie and I yelled in unison.
“Oh, right!” Chaz said and smacked himself on the forehead. “How silly of me. I forgot how you nearly got eaten by one of those. Very painful death by the way. My cousin, Chorz, had a nephew that got eaten by one. He live-telepathed the whole thing. It was ugly. First, they shoot your full of venom with their seven-inch long fangs, and then they slowly--”
“Hey buddy,” I interrupted before he got to a part that would ruin my considerable appetite. “How about something a little less nightmarish?”
“Right, right,” he said as he shook his head, “I got it. Hold on.”
His little antennae appeared and glowed bright blue. Again there was the weird tingle and smell of brimstone. A big poof of blue-black smoke, and suddenly we stood inside a quaint little cafe.
It was faintly Parisian in look and feel with several little tables arranged around a mid-sized stone parquet covered dining floor. Four aliens of the same race as Chaz dressed in waistcoats hurried about the place. They carried trays of great smelling food, poured drinks, and filled tiny, steaming cups of what looked like a very dark coffee. The cafe was about half full when we bamf-ed into the center of it. As weird as it was to me, no one else seemed to mind.