Looking for You (Oh Captain, My Captain #1)

by Lindsay Paige

  She’s right. I love Hudson. I love the real Hudson. I love the guy I almost pepper sprayed, the guy I whipped in the face with my ponytail, and the guy who held me at night, never asking for anymore. I swipe the tears away as Whitney hands me a napkin.

  “Oh, sweetie.” His mother embraces me. I stop the tears from flowing as the sounds of the arena surrounds us. “It will be okay. If it’s meant to be, then it will happen,” she whispers in my ear.

  I freeze and sit back. I stare at her wide eyed. “What did you say?”

  She smiles and repeats, “If it’s meant to be, then it will happen.”

  “Ellie, are you okay?” Whitney asks. “You’re white as a ghost.”

  I nod. “My aunt used to say that all the time. She always thought that everything happened for a reason.”

  “That’s true. Even though what my son did was completely wrong, it happened, and there is a reason for it. Even if we can’t see it now,” Wendy says.

  The sound of the horn startles me. The first period is over. I watch as everyone skates off the ice. Hudson waits to be the last one off the ice, and I stare at his number fourteen as he goes into the tunnel. Through intermission and the second period, Wendy, Whitney, and I talk. They ask me all about my life, and I ask about theirs. I don’t think I’ve talked that much at one time, ever. We even laughed a few times.

  By the time, the third period starts, there is still no score. I can’t believe how intense this game is. None of us say a word as we watch Hudson and the players’ battle for the puck. I cringe every time someone hits Hudson or he hits someone. I don’t want him to get hurt.

  There is less than a minute on the clock, and I’m not sure what is going to happen.

  “What happens if no one scores?”

  “They keep going until someone does,” Whitney declares.

  Just then there’s a loud boom, and the crowd is screaming. I look up at the screen and see that Vikings have scored. We’re jumping up and down, even though it wasn’t Hudson that scored. There is just a few second left, and when the final buzzer sounds, the Vikings have won. I watch the celebration on the ice and see their smiling faces on the large screen. I’m so happy for him.

  “Ellie,” Wendy touches my arm, “we’re going to head down to him. You’re more than welcome to come with us. Now, I won’t lie to you or my son. I will let him know that you were here, and what an amazing person you are. I know my son did wrong, but I hope that you can forgive him soon. He loves you, and I know you love him.” She hugs me tightly and heads for the door.

  “Do you want to come down?” Whitney asks.

  I shake my head. He needs his family right now, not me to complicate everything.

  “I didn’t figure you would, but I want to give you this.” She hands me a piece of paper.

  “What’s this?”

  “Hudson is off the next two days. He has practice in the morning, but nothing else planned. That is his home address and the code to get into his building. I figure that you should have it. You know, in case you need to talk to him.” She winks at me before she turns and leaves me.

  I take a deep breath before sitting back into my chair. I stare out at the ice rink. This is Hudson’s life. The question is do I want to be part of it? I stare at the piece of paper in my hand. Hudson’s address. This is something that I’m not sure what to do with.

  I stand up and head home.

  ~

  When I get home, I take a hot shower and try to relax. I throw on an oversize shirt and head into the living room. I don’t feel like reading or doing anything for that matter. I just sit and listen to the silence. On the coffee table sits the movies that Hudson and I were watching. A smile pulls at my lips thinking we were only on the fourth movie.

  “It’s a gift and a guarantee that there will be more dates to come. Open it.”

  “Harry Potter movies?”

  “Yep, the whole collection. However, you can’t watch them without me. Deal?”

  I can’t watch movies without him. I bite my lip knowing exactly what I’m going to do tomorrow.

  ~

  The idea seemed better in my head than when I’m standing on the other side of Hudson’s door. It even took me almost thirty minutes to get out of my car. Another ten to walk into his building, and now I’m just standing here like a statue. What if he doesn’t want to see me? What if he slams the door in my face this time?

  I think about the words of my aunt and Hudson’s mom. If it’s meant to be, then it will happen. I take a deep breath, count to ten, and knock on the door.

  “Ellie. How…what are you doing here?” His expression is genuine shock. I guess Whitney didn’t tell him that she gave me his address.

  “Um,” I shift, uncomfortably, “I was at the game last night. Whitney gave me your address and code. You know, in case we needed to talk.”

  “She didn’t tell me that part,” he mumbles.

  “If you don’t want me here, I can leave. I know that I didn’t call first or anything.” I start to back away, ready to leave if he wants me to.

  “No, no. It’s fine. Come on in.” He steps to the side to let me inside the apartment.

  It’s a huge studio apartment with bright open windows. The kitchen is on my right. It looks more updated than mine. In front of me is an open floor which Hudson turned into his living room. There is a massive TV on the wall, every electronic game you could even think of neatly under it on their stands. His couch is plush, and I can tell it’s leather. To the right is a huge foosball table and a pool table beyond that. There is a staircase at the very end of the room, and I assume that is where his bedroom is.

  “Wow, this is a bachelor pad. You didn’t lie about that.”

  “No, I didn’t. There were a lot of misplaced truths, I guess you could call them that,” he says sadly.

  On the far side of the wall, where I’m standing is an enormous display case. There are ribbons, medals, and everything in between. Next to it are several hockey sticks. They look used. The tape around them is worn and one stick is cracked in half.

  “That’s a lot of awards on that wall and hockey sticks. Some of them look like from when you were younger.”

  “Yeah, some are. Do you want to go look at them?”

  “Um, maybe another time.” I shake my head. “I actually came over here for a reason,” I say confidently.

  “Okay, what is it then? Finally decide to use the pepper spray on me?” He gives me that beautiful smile.

  “As tempting as that might sound, no, that isn’t the reason. I made a deal with you that I wouldn’t watch these without you.” I reach into my purse and pull out the DVD. “And I really want to see this one. So, do you have time to watch it with me today?” I say a silent prayer, hoping that he will say yes.

  “Of course. It would be my pleasure.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  Hudson

  “Do you want anything to drink?” I ask as the movie begins. Ellie shakes her head and I sit down next to her on my couch. I can’t believe she’s here. I’m not even sure what to do or say. Part of me wants to ask her how she’s been, if she enjoyed the game, and if she’s still friends with Lacey. The other part thinks I should keep my mouth shut and wait for Ellie to take the lead. What if I’m so exhausted that I’m hallucinating, and she’s not really here?

  Just like the first time we watched a movie, Ellie slips off her shoes, tucking her legs underneath her, but she doesn’t lean into me. My eyes are stuck on the TV without actually seeing anything. My vision is too busy trying to look at Ellie from the corner of my eye. Mentally, I make a list. Ellie went to my game last night after Whit apparently went over and gave her a ticket. Then Whitney gave her my address, and now Ellie is here sitting next to me. Maybe I need to call and thank my sister.

  I don’t know if I can sit through this entire movie and not say something. This feels like a misuse of time. We can always start it over to watch it again. I don’t even know what’s happening becaus
e I can’t focus on anything other than the fact that she’s three inches from me.

  “I’ve missed you,” I finally say. That seems to be the safest thing.

  Ellie glances over at me. “I’ve missed you too.”

  “I hope my sister and my mom weren’t too overwhelming.” I don’t know where to start, but last night seems to be a good place.

  “Well, when Whitney showed up at my house, I was pretty shocked. She didn’t give me a lot of choice about going to the game or not. I didn’t know your mom would be there, but I really like them both. They helped me understand everything that was going on. I got confused a little, but you looked great out there.” Ellie smiles a little at the memory.

  “Yeah, Mom almost always comes during playoff season. Dad would have been there, but he wasn’t feeling well. Did you have fun?” I ask, really hoping the answer is yes.

  “Yeah, I did actually. You know, once I got over you being slammed into the wall, or boards, or whatever it’s called. It was more intense than what I thought it would be.” She was worried about me then? I try not to smile.

  “It’s a little less intense during the regular season, but the stakes are so much higher right now.”

  “I can understand that. Whitney told me about the playoff beards, and how superstitious you all are. I found it informative and funny at the same time.”

  We’ve beat around the bush long enough and we’ve hit a lull in the conversation. I have to ask and find out if there’s any chance that she’ll let me love her. After taking a deep breath, I look into her brown eyes and softly say, “Do you forgive me, Ellie?”

  “I trusted you, and you lied to me, Hudson.” The pain she’s feeling pierces through me. Then she adds, “Even though you say you ‘omitted’ it, I still see it as a lie.”

  “I know I lied. I’m asking for you to forgive me and accept all of me, including my faults.” I’m asking, begging, pleading, wishing with all my heart that she’ll give me another chance. Yes, I knew better all along than to do this, but I was selfish and stupid. All I need is for her to forgive me.

  “Do you realize the first time that you said you loved me, I told you that I hated you?” I wish with all my heart that I could forget it. “Then last night, sitting there with your family, your mom said something, and it hit me. I’m mad and hurt, but I can’t hate you.” Ellie angles towards me. “Hudson, I love you. When you were on the ice, you were different, but I could still see the guy I fell in love with. I can’t handle anymore lies. Trust is important, and honesty is key to making everything work.”

  The urge to reach out and touch her is almost too much to bear. But I can’t do that yet. The memory of the night of the fundraiser easily plays through my mind, causing me to force my eyes closed for a moment at the agony of hearing those words coming from the perfect girl. My girl. “I know the first time I said it, you told me you hated me because I’ve been thinking about it ever since. I’ll never lie to you again, promise. I love you too much to lose you again.”

  Ellie stays silent for a moment before she says, “Then I have an idea, if you want to hear it.”

  “Of course. I’ll do anything you want.” Absolutely anything for this girl.

  Ellie turns and faces me completely. “We’re starting with a clean slate.” Her eyes are determined as she sticks out her hand to me. “Hi, I’m Ellie Sullivan.”

  Cracking a smile, I take her hand in mine. “Hey, Ellie. I’m Hudson King.”

  Fake shock makes her mouth from an ‘O.’ “Oh my God, are you that famous hockey player from Portland?”

  I laugh, happiness pouring through me. “Yes, but I prefer hockey player extraordinaire. Are you a fan?”

  “I am now.” She grins.

  As soon as the words have left her mouth, I pull her to me and kiss her. God, I’ve missed her. Ellie’s body is soon flush against mine with me laying on my back. Holding her to me tightly by her hips, Ellie kisses me deeply, the bitterness of the coffee I had before she got here mingling with the taste of her. Suddenly, she stops and rests her head on my forehead. A faint smile rests on her lips.

  “This is a little too much too soon considering I just met you a minute ago, don’t you think?”

  Chuckling, I lift my mouth to hers softly. “Maybe so, but I’ve been looking for you and waiting for you for a long time.” Bringing my hands up to cup her cheeks, I add, “I love you.” A rush flows through my veins as if I just gave her my soul and now it’s hanging in the balance between us, waiting for her reply.

  “I love you too, Hudson.” She leans down, presses her lips against mine, sweeping her tongue into my mouth. When her hands clench my shoulders, I lean back to kiss her cheek. Before I can ask her a question, she rests her forehead against mine again, closes her eyes, and whispers, “I’m still not ready.”

  “That’s fine, baby. You can open your eyes now.” I chuckle with a kiss on her forehead. After she does, I ask, “Can I show you all of me now?”

  Ellie glances at the TV. “The movie is still on.”

  “We can finish it later. Please?”

  “Yeah, of course. I would like that.”

  I leave her in the living room while I go into my bedroom to grab two pairs of skates, putting them in a duffle bag for now. Whit keeps a pair here for her and hopefully, they’ll fit Ellie. We’ll use the sticks and pucks that are at the arena. I want her to feel what it’s like to be on the ice in a place that big, even if no one else is there.

  “Ready?” I ask when I come back into the room.

  Ellie nods and once she walks over to me, I take her hand. The ride is pretty quiet. Once we get to the arena, Ellie is still silent, but she seems to be absorbing it all. We haven’t even gotten to the ice just yet. I say hi to the people we pass, grab two sticks and a couple of pucks before heading to the rink.

  “Wow,” she breathes after we’ve walked through the tunnel. “It looks even bigger from here.”

  “It’s amazing, right? Just imagine thousands of loud people in here.”

  “I rather not,” she mumbles, making me laugh.

  “Okay, sit on the bench and I’ll put your skates on.”

  She does and I kneel in front of her, taking her shoes off. “I don’t think this is a good idea, Hudson. I’m not going to be able to stand up.”

  “That’s why I’m here,” I reassure her.

  Ellie is quiet for another moment before she adds, “You’re not going to look at me with that same expression you have on all those banners or when you’re playing, right?”

  “What do I look like?”

  She makes a silly, mean, but determined looking face. “Either like you’re about to hurt someone or like you’re so concentrated if someone bothers you, you’ll yell at them.”

  I laugh, shaking my head. “No, I’m not going to look like that. We’re going to have fun, not play for the Cup.”

  “A cup?” She asks confused.

  “Out of all the things they told you last night and all your research, you don’t even know what I’m playing for in the playoffs?” I shake my head. “The Stanley Cup, Ellie. It’s the best trophy in all sports. That’s why it’s called the Stanley Cup playoffs. We’ll Google it later and you can learn all about it.”

  She shoves my shoulder a little. “Hey, leave me alone. I’m a new fan.”

  Finished with her skates, I stand, kiss her cheek and say, “You’re right. I’m sorry.” I sit next to her and put my skates on. “You can try standing up, if you want. Get the feel of them. It’s easier on this than on the ice.”

  “I’ll just wait for you.”

  With my skates on, I stand, holding my hand out for her to take. Nervous, Ellie hesitates, staring at my open palm. “We don’t have to do it, if you don’t want to,” I tell her.

  She reaches for my hand, squeezes and stands. “No, I want to. Just don’t let me fall.”

  “Promise.”

  Ellie is sturdier than she gave herself credit for as we walk to the little door.
I open it and step onto the ice first. Carefully, she steps out here with me. She wobbles and her legs give way a few times, but she keeps glancing at me and her feet. Once she’s able to stand without falling, we begin to walk the ice for her to get a better feel. When she gets that down, I tell her how to push off with her feet. She surprises us both with how quickly she picks it up.

  “You’re doing pretty good to have never done it before,” I say after about thirty minutes. “Want to try it without me?”

  Ellie bites her lip. “Yeah. Don’t go too far, though.”

  “I won’t.” I let go of her hands, but keep them right underneath them in case she loses her balance.

  She doesn’t.

  After a few minutes of skating by herself, Ellie smiles. “This is kind of fun. I can’t believe I’m doing it.”

  “And doing it well, I might add. Ready for the really fun part?”

  “Yep.”

  “I’ll be right back,” I say, starting to skate back to the bench.

  “What if I fall?” She calls after me.

  “You won’t.” Upon reaching the bench, I grab the sticks and pucks, and quickly rush back to her.

  “Watching you skate amazes me, you know. You’re so fast and graceful at the same time.”

  I grin. “Thanks, baby.” I kiss her cheek before handing her a stick, dropping all the pucks on the ice. “Okay, this is how you’re going to hold it.” Coming up behind her, I arrange her hands on the shaft of the stick. Quietly, I ask, “Have you ever felt weak or powerless?” Ellie nods. “Me too. But this,” I squeeze my hands over hers, “this is going to make you feel strong and powerful.”

  I pick up mine, push the pucks, and make Ellie follow me until we’re about twenty feet from the net. She’s got skating down pat. I don’t know why she ever thought she was uncoordinated when she runs, hikes trails, and now ice skates.

  “Watch,” I command. Swinging my stick back, fast and strong, I sweep it back down and slap the puck into the net perfectly. The grin is stuck on my face as I gesture for Ellie to come to me. Laying my stick back down, I come up behind her once more.

  “If I can replicate what you just did, I’ll deem you the best hockey player in the world,” Ellie laughs.