“No, nothing like that,” he insisted. “I promise.” He cleared his throat. Suddenly, he stopped pacing and dropped his free hand in the back pocket of his Dickies. “If I’m being honest, I’m having an issue with my friend and, uh, I don’t feel right leaving until the issue is resolved.”
Seraphina paused on the other end, and Knox winced, waiting. She could tell him to go fuck himself, to get on the plane or he’d be benched for the rest of the season. It wasn’t fair for him to basically demand this time off, especially when he wasn’t having a medical issue, and Beth was…
Well, she technically wasn’t…
He bit his bottom lip, trying to figure it out, but the conclusion he managed to come up with wasn’t exactly what he wanted. In fact, it was obnoxious and hard to understand, and he just wished he could get his head out of his ass to figure out how to fix this before everything was too late to fix.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Seraphina asked after a moment.
Her response surprised him to the point where he wound up dropping to the edge of the bed and stretching out his legs. He was still only half-packed, but even a simple task like that was too much effort for him to fixate on right now. He reached up to cup the back of his neck again. In truth, he didn’t want to talk about anything with anyone, but there was something about Seraphina, something that told him that maybe she might be able to help. He didn’t have any other girlfriends besides Beth, and he felt like maybe this required a feminine perspective. The guys wouldn’t know what the fuck to do with the situation except call Knox a pussy for caring so much.
Except Brandon.
Brandon would understand even if he had no idea how to fix the situation.
“I wouldn’t even know where to start,” Knox admitted, staring down at his floor, at the exact spot where he had stripped her in his room. Maybe he shouldn’t be in here. He was sure if he closed his eyes, he would be bombarded with images of them tangled up together, would remember the way it felt to penetrate her, to wrap his cock into her slick folds, welcoming him into her openly and wantonly and everything he could ask for.
“Maybe try at the beginning?” she suggested. There was no hint of sarcasm in her voice, but there might as well be, considering the answer seemed simple enough.
“She’s my best friend,” he said, running his fingers through his hair and leaning back.
The second his head hit the pillow, he knew he had made a mistake. This whole place reeked of her, of them, entwined. He closed his eyes, trying not to get too caught up in the lingering scent, the memories that clutched at him so vividly.
“We’re talking about Beth, right?” Seraphina asked softly.
Knox’s eyes snapped open. He had no idea how she even knew that, but it must be obvious. Everything about him screamed obvious, he realized.
“Uh, yeah,” he said. “How did you know?”
“She came with you to my office a few days ago,” Seraphina reminded him. “I observed the two of you. She cares about you very much.”
“Yeah…” He chewed his bottom lip before clearing his throat. “I think I fucked that up. I mean, messed. Messed that up.”
“Knox, I’m dating an NHL goalie,” she told him. “Well, he was one before he retired. I heard that word uttered on a daily basis. You don’t have to worry about that, though I do appreciate the consideration. Now, about Beth, are you sure you fucked this up? If I remember correctly, she’s very taken with you, at least from what I observed.”
“Taken with me?” Knox repeated. “How do you -”
“Everyone who watches the two of you realizes you both dance around the obvious,” she said, cutting him off. “I think you’re more oblivious to it, but she knows she has feelings for you, and that scares her, probably because you guys are best friends and she doesn’t want to ruin that.”
“How do you know that?” Knox asked. He began to tap his foot against the floor, hoping to alleviate some of the anxiety that had built up in his chest.
“It’s a tale as old as time,” she said simply. “She cares about you. Probably more than you realize. How do you think you messed this up?”
“I told her that she was my best friend and I didn’t want that to change after we, uh, well…”
“I’ve had sex plenty of times too,” Seraphina muttered. He could practically picture her rolling her eyes.
“Well, yeah. That happened. Twice. And she told me she loved me, and I...I don’t know. I guess I didn’t want to ruin anything -”
“But having sex twice didn’t do that?” Seraphina asked skeptically. “You know why she’s pissed, right? Why is it okay to ruin the friendship with two rounds of what was probably amazing sex only for her to tell you how she feels about you and that’s when you say some kind of line has been drawn. That’s bullshit and you know it.”
Knox opened his mouth to argue. The only problem was, he had no idea why. It wasn’t like Seraphina was wrong. It wasn’t fair that he could dictate whether or not they were friends when it came to sex versus when feelings were discussed. If they were in some sort of partnership, it should be discussed among the two of them, where they both decided what was going to happen, where both of them could talk about their thoughts and feelings. And it definitely should not come right after sex.
That was his fault, of course. She had blindsided him, and he panicked. It was an excuse, sure, but it was the truth all the same.
He had never been good with unexpected surprises - or any surprises in general.
“How do you feel about her?” Seraphina asked, interrupting his thoughts.
“I mean...she’s my best friend,” he said. Even he could hear how pathetic that was.
“Okay, so you don’t love her then,” she stated.
“No, I didn’t say that,” he said quickly. He stopped jiggling his leg and fiddled with the seam in his pants.
“Then what are you saying?” she asked.
Knox opened his mouth, willing the words to come out, and then shut it when they wouldn’t. He had no idea what he was saying at this point, and he wasn’t sure how to make it better.
“Knox?” Seraphina pushed. “You can’t string her along. If you don’t love her -”
“I do love her,” he said quickly.
“Like a lover?” she questioned. “Because I know you know there’s a difference.”
Knox blew out a breath. Obviously, there was a difference. No one was denying that.
“Beth is the only good thing in my life who knows me, knows exactly who I am,” he said slowly. He wasn’t trying to think now, the words were coming out on their own. “I’ve known her since kindergarten. She’s seen me at my best and my worst. I have my friends and the team, but she’s...she’s special. And I’m scared if I love her the way I want to, something will happen that’ll fuck it all up and she won’t want to be with me anymore.”
“Hmm. So, basically, you’re afraid you’re going to fuck it up. Because you don’t sound worried that she’s going to.”
Knox shrugged, then remembered that Seraphina couldn’t see him. “Yeah, something like that.”
“Okay,” she said. “Do you want to know how to fix that?”
“How?”
“Just don’t fuck it up,” she said slowly, as though it was obvious.
Knox was ready to retort, but stopped himself. “You think it’s really that simple?” he asked doubtfully.
“I know it is,” she said. “Let’s be honest, Knox. You’re going to make mistakes. I’m sure you’ve fucked things up between the two of you in the past, and she still sticks around because she cares about you. That much is obvious. The girl cares about you way more than you deserve - no offense. I’m sure she’s been in love with you for nearly as long as you’ve known her. And she’s been waiting for you to figure it out.”
“Why would she wait around for me?” Knox asked, making a face. “It’s not like I gave her a reason -”
“You think we need a reason?” she a
sked. “Look, it’s not like we control this, either. Sometimes, the choice is taken from us when our hearts are set on someone. For some reason, she picked you. She thought you were worthy of her love. And I think, deep down, you love her too. But you’re too afraid to do anything about it.”
“What do you want me to do?” Knox snapped.
“It’s not about what I want or even what Beth wants,” Seraphina said. “What do you want? Do you love her like a lover? Do you want to give your relationship a try? If so, then go after her and catch a flight to Seattle as soon as you can. But if you don’t, then you have to let Beth go. And that might mean letting her go as a friend.”
Knox released a breath. “It’s hard -”
“It’s not,” Seraphina said. “You’re making it harder than it needs to be. The only thing you need to figure out is what you want. And then, once you know the answer to that, do something about it.”
20
Beth
The last thing Beth expected was a knock on her dorm room door. UCI didn’t require second-year students to have dormmates if they didn’t want, even though the fee was slightly higher in a solo room. It was worth every penny, in her mind, however.
She glanced at the peephole in the door, and startled when she saw Knox.
What the hell was he doing here?
After everything that had happened between them, she wasn’t sure she wanted to see him again.
No.
That wasn’t true.
He could break her heart time and time again, and she would still want him here. She loved him, but she wanted his friendship more than she wanted to stroke her own ego. And if that meant being this pathetic little girl wrapped around Knox’s finger, so be it. She would move on, though. That, she vowed to do. Now that she had been with him, now that she knew what it was like...well, in truth, she wasn’t sure if it was better or not. She wanted to think it was because now she wouldn’t wonder about what it was like to be with him. Then again, he had touched her in a way no one had before, and she was scared that no one ever would.
She chewed her bottom lip, still debating on whether or not to let him in. Shouldn’t he be on a plane to Seattle by now? What was he doing here?
There’s only one way to find out, Bethy. You gotta open the door and let him in.
She knew she should. That wasn’t the issue. She just wasn’t sure if she was going to want to hear what he had to say. He had already said too much. He had said enough to know that he wasn’t as interested as she thought he might be.
Which was fine.
Granted, it wasn’t as though she was going to jump into something with Kent. At this point, she just wanted to move on by herself. She didn’t need to add a complication by adding Kent - or anyone else for that matter.
Deciding that she just wanted to get this over with, she pulled the door open only to find Knox standing there. There was no telltale sign of his aviators, which meant she could actually look into his eyes and not have the emotion there blocked away. It was difficult for Knox to hide his feelings, hence why he wore sunglasses so often.
“You opened the door,” he stated dumbly.
Beth swallowed, slowly tilting her head to the side. “Yes.”
“I just...I guess I didn’t expect you to,” he mumbled honestly.
Beth sighed, glancing away. She shifted her weight, jutting out a hip. She had no idea why he was here. He had already said enough last night and she really didn’t feel like going over this again. It made her feel like a fool, if she was being honest. The fact that she wanted so badly to try with Knox, only to be shut down that they were only friends, that trying something as complex as being in a relationship would complicate things and ruin it and Beth didn’t want to hear anymore.
“I probably shouldn’t,” she admitted. “But…” She lifted a shoulder and looked back at him. “You’re still my best friend, Knox. Even if maybe, I don’t want you to be.”
“What I said -”
Beth abruptly shook her head. “No,” she said, the word a warning, a desperate plea. She locked eyes with him, wide and begging him to stop before he said anything further that he’d eventually regret. “Don’t. Knox, don’t.”
“No, Beth,” he said slowly. “I need to tell you this. I need to get this off my chest.”
“Don’t say anything else you can’t take back,” she warned him. She needed him to understand. Her heart wouldn’t be able to take it. She didn’t want to be a damned fool, coming whenever he called no matter how many times he pushed her away.
“I shouldn’t have said what I said last night,” he said. “Or this morning. Whenever it was. I shouldn’t have said it at all.”
“But you did,” she insisted. “And that’s okay. I’m glad...I’m glad that I know how you feel so I don’t have to wonder, especially after everything that had happened between us. I’m glad that I know where we stand now.”
“No -”
“Yes,” she said, cutting him off.
“Look.” He pressed his lips together and glanced behind him. “Can I just, can I come in?”
Beth hesitated. She wanted to say yes. Of course, she wanted to say yes. But she worried about what that would mean. Would she be able to say no to him if he kissed her, if he wanted to fuck her again? Or would she crumble? Would she just be a pathetic mess that did exactly what he wanted because he was the one asking?
She knew. She knew the answer and she didn’t like it. And she didn’t want it to be that way. She would do anything for him, and he knew it. He had to know it. And he took advantage of that with every chance he got. She should just cut her hand and make him watch her bleed for him. Maybe then he would see how badly he hurt her with this back and forth, with giving her hope only to take it away.
“Please?” he asked, lifting his brows and looking at her with those damn puppy eyes.
And she hated him in that moment because he knew what he was doing and he didn’t care.
Damn him, he didn’t care.
She grunted, stepping back from the door so he could walk inside. She managed to refrain from slamming the door behind him, just to show him how pissed she was with everything going on.
“Look, Knox,” she said, following him into the small room. “You have to be on a plane right now and, quite frankly, I don’t want to see you right now.”
“You live here?” Knox asked, turning around. His eyes took in the walls, the bed, the small desk tucked in the corner. “This is small. You don’t even have your own bathroom.”
“It’s a dorm room,” she pointed out. “What do you expect?”
“You should move in with me,” he said. “You could even have your own room if you wanted.”
Beth closed her eyes and counted down from three. She really was trying to be patient. She really was trying to figure out what the hell was going on with Knox and why he felt the need to say stupid shit. Was that supposed to make her feel better? Was that supposed to make things okay?
“Yeah, no thanks,” she muttered. “I’d rather make sure we stayed best friends. Wouldn’t want to cross any lines, you know. Unless, of course, you want to have meaningless sex. Right?”
Knox had the decency to look away, lifting a hand and crossing it over his chest. “Beth,” he murmured.
“No,” she snapped, stomping over to him. “You don’t get to Beth me. You lost that right after -”
“I know,” Knox snapped. “I know I fucked everything up last night, okay? Why do you think I’m here? I’m trying to make it right.”
“You think you can just come in here and charm your way out of this?” she asked. Before she realized what was happening, she was laughing, laughing hard. In fact, she didn’t think she could laugh this hard and have her heart squeeze this painfully at the same time. “Who do you think you are, Knox? Why do you want to hurt me? Haven’t you already hurt me enough?”
She sounded broken in that moment, torn up and broken, and she hated it. She didn’t want Knox to know
that. She didn’t want him to see just how broken she really was all because he could t love her the way she loved him.
“I’m trying,” she insisted. “I’m trying to move on. I am. But you won’t let me. Why won’t you let me? Why are you being so…so cruel?”
And that was the real question she wanted answered. If he didn’t love her, fine, but let her move on. Why was that so difficult for him to do?
“I...I don’t want you to move on,” he said.
She pressed her brows together. “What…? I don’t understand.”
He shook his head, running his fingers through his hair. “Look,” he said. “I’m already fucking all of this up. What I’m trying to say is I’m scared. I’m scared of being with you because you’re the most important person to me in my life and I can’t lose you. I can’t. But I also know that I love you the way lovers love each other.” He made a face at how cheesy his words were coming out and he tilted his head to the side, hoping that would help him figure out the right way to say things and be okay. “I’m just, I don’t want things to change between us, Beth.”
“But they are,” she said, shifting her weight. “We kissed, Knox. We...we had sex. And even if we didn’t, I went out on a date with Kent Cavile. You’re picking up girls constantly. Things will change always. The difference is, I want to be with you when they do. I don’t want to be alone or with anyone else. I want to be with you.”
“But -”
“There’s always a chance things will end, Knox,” she continued. “Nothing is permanent. We all die, after all. We just get to choose who we live with when we’re alive. We’ll always be best friends. That’s not going to change. I just, I want to be more than that. At least, I want to try. I want to give ourselves the opportunity to see what happens. And if we’re wrong for each other and it blows up in our face, that’s okay too.”
“How...how are you okay with that?” he asked. “How aren’t you scared?”
“Of course, I’m scared,” she said as though it was obvious. “But I can’t keep dreaming about maybes and what ifs. I’d rather know. I’d rather take a chance on reality.”
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