“Sounds like a good line for a song,” said Jaymi, who immediately began singing Shawn’s words and tapping out a rhythm on the steering wheel.
“I would live in my car
Before I’d give up my guitar.”
Shawn joined in. The second time through, she instinctively harmonized in her raspy alto. They broke into laughter, and then Jaymi, who seemed genuinely impressed, looked at Shawn with a huge smile. “Wow, that was cool. You should play with us on a couple songs on our next gig. You wanna?”
Shawn’s eyes rounded and her jaw dropped. “Are you serious? Me?”
“Uh, yes, you.” Jaymi playfully looked around to either side of her passenger, as if looking for someone. “Who else would I be talking to?”
“But…will the band be okay with that? I mean you guys are tight, man, the band’s really tight. I’m not as polished as you guys. I mean, you’re on the radio now and everything. What if I screwed up? I’d hate to think I’d set you back.”
“You’re not going to screw up. Geez, Shawn, you don’t give yourself much credit. You’re good, you know. Really good. As far as the polishing goes, I can help you with that. I always thought you were the best one at all those open mikes we used to do.”
Shawn couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Jaymi Del Harmon thought she was the best? Maybe she’s just saying that to be polite.
“I’m starved,” Jaymi said. “You like Chinese?”
“That sounds good, but I can’t. I’ve only got a few bucks left.”
“Hey, don’t worry about it. It’s on me. You’ve got to eat.”
“Yeah, but…”
“But what? Listen, if it makes you feel better, after you get a job, you can treat.”
Shawn shrugged, embarrassed, but also too hungry to argue. And, if she was completely honest with herself, it felt really nice to have someone care whether or not she ate. There was a time she would’ve been too proud to accept Jaymi’s offer, but months of going to bed hungry and doing whatever she had to in order to survive had taught her that a person couldn’t live off their pride. She just hoped this, too, wouldn’t slip away from her.
Chapter Six
Shawn woke the next morning to silence and the wonderful aroma of perked coffee. She shivered as she crawled out from under the covers, slipped on her Patriots sweatshirt, and went into the kitchen. The only light came from the low-wattage bulb over the stove. She flicked on the overhead light. On the kitchen table was the local phone book opened up to the Employment Agencies section of the yellow pages, and next to it, a twenty-dollar bill and a note from Jaymi that read:
Shawn,
Hope you slept well. Maybe one of these places can help you find work. I circled the one I used—they were very helpful. Give them my name if you need a reference. And you can also use my address and phone number as your contact information. Here’s my spare key to the apartment and some money in case you need gas. Good luck and I’ll see you when I get home tonight.
Jaymi
PS: By the way, you played awesome yesterday!
Shawn grew warm inside with Jaymi’s words. She felt undeserving of such praise, let alone the kindness and generosity Jaymi had shown her so unconditionally. She wondered if that would change if she knew the truth about why she had left LA.
She does know the truth. I lost my job and my apartment. I was broke. Shawn argued with herself, as she often did. She doesn’t need to know about all of my despicable bad decisions. Or that I had a huge crush on her when we were friends back in LA.
Inspired by Jaymi’s generosity, she quickly downed a cup of coffee, showered and dressed, and headed out, the phone book tucked under her arm. She signed up for work at five agencies, each of them promising to call her should anything come up that fit her skills and qualifications. Since she didn’t need gas, she stopped at a supermarket—she’d thank Jaymi by having dinner ready for her when she got home.
She put away the groceries, prepared chicken breasts in a marinade, and made a sandwich with the bread and tuna she had bought. She was cleaning up when there was a knock on the door. She jumped. Fuck. They couldn’t have found me. No way. She took a steadying breath and cautiously peeked out the kitchen window toward the landing outside the door. Nikki.
It’s only one thirty. Doesn’t she know Jaymi wouldn’t be home from work yet? If she did, it meant she wasn’t there to see Jaymi, which instantly made Shawn even more nervous. Shit.
Nikki knocked again, this time with a little more force. Shawn conceded and opened the door.
“Hey, cute stuff, how’s it going?” Nikki said as she removed her sunglasses and stepped in without an invitation.
“Okay. Jaymi’s not home yet—”
“Oh, I know. She doesn’t get out till five. I wanted to stop by and see if you needed anything.” She walked into the living room and made herself at home in the easy chair.
“No, I’m fine. And my name’s Shawn.” She followed Nikki into the room but remained standing, hoping it would indicate she didn’t expect her company to stay long.
Nikki grinned, sat back, and crossed an ankle over her knee. “But you are cute. You do know that, don’t you, Shawn?”
Shawn folded her arms across her chest. “Is there something I can do for you, Nikki?”
The grin grew wider for a second before she answered. “You can tell me what you’re doing here, for starters.”
“I think Jaymi already explained that to you yesterday.”
“Right, right. You just came back from LA, needed a place to stay, and my dear friend didn’t have the heart to turn you away—”
“Look, I don’t know what your problem is with me, but if you’re worried about me taking advantage of Jaymi, I’m not—”
“That’s it exactly, Shawn.” Nikki’s eyes were cold and the grin vanished. She dropped her foot to the floor and leaned forward in the chair. “You see, Jaymi and I have been friends a long time—since we were sophomores in college—and I’ve seen her screwed over way too many times because she’s too nice for her own good. I look out for her because I don’t like seeing her get hurt.”
“Well, you must not be doing a very good job of it if she keeps getting screwed over,” Shawn blurted. It was easier for her to feel courageous with someone she didn’t like.
Nikki stood and moved close to Shawn. “You know what,” she said, the grin returning, “I like you. You’ve got spunk. But I do have to warn you, Jaymi’s not interested in getting involved with anyone right now, not for a long time—in case you had any thoughts of making a move on her. She’s made it quite clear that her career is all she cares about right now. And I’m going to make sure nothing interferes with that, understand?”
Shawn took a step back and reclaimed her personal space. “Well then, you’ve got nothing to worry about, because a relationship is the last thing on my mind right now.” She knew it was the truth, yet something sank in her heart just the same. “And I have no intention of doing anything that would hurt Jaymi. I know what a good person she is, and I wouldn’t dream of taking advantage of that.”
“Good. Glad to hear it,” Nikki said, though Shawn didn’t miss the sarcasm in her tone. Nikki’s breast brushed the side of Shawn’s arm as she swept past her, and it took all of Shawn’s willpower not to wipe at the spot on her arm, as though to wipe Nikki away. She left without another word, as though she’d already dismissed Shawn from her thoughts.
Shawn made herself a cup of coffee and spread the newspaper out on the kitchen table. She circled several Help Wanted ads and began making phone calls, crossing out dead ends as she went. Not much out there for a struggling musician looking for a day job.
At five, she began preparing dinner, anxiously peeking out the window every two minutes. When Jaymi arrived, Shawn was glad to see she looked surprised rather than upset at the activity in the kitchen.
“You’re cooking supper?”
“My car didn’t need gas, so I used the money you left to buy some food
. I hope you don’t mind.” Shawn smiled and tried not to check her out, but she couldn’t help noticing that she looked damn cute decked out in her khakis and a collared black uniform shirt trimmed in violet and yellow.
“Mind? Are you kidding? This is sweet, coming home to someone cooking me dinner. I can’t even remember the last time…” Jaymi’s smile faded suddenly. “Yes, I can, but let’s not talk about that. That’s really sweet of you. You didn’t have to, you know.”
“Oh, I know. I just thought I should earn my keep around here. And it’s only fair—you’ve been feeding me since I got here, so I figured it was the least I could do.”
“I appreciate it,” Jaymi said, then went down the hall to her room. She returned a few minutes later in blue jeans and a flannel shirt. “So how did your day go? Any luck finding a job?”
Shawn proceeded to tell her about the temp agencies she visited and the ads she answered. She debated telling her about Nikki’s visit and decided it was probably best not to keep it from her in case Nikki mentioned it. Part of her was worried that Jaymi would take what Nikki said seriously, and would think taking Shawn in was a mistake. But it would probably be worse if Jaymi thought she’d lied to her. They finished dinner and cleaned up, but she still hadn’t worked up the nerve to bring it up.
Jaymi pushed away from the table and said, “That was delicious. Where’d you learn to cook like that?”
“My mother taught me. Well, she made me learn, is more like it,” Shawn replied. “I’m grateful for it now, but at the time it just felt like another part of her denial that I was gay. She tried everything she could to make me more feminine, and she thought cooking was a woman’s duty. She was probably hoping that if I tried it, I might find I like doing girly things. And that would somehow translate into me liking men. Never worked, obviously.” There was a moment of awkward silence, and Shawn wondered if she’d overshared. They cleared the dishes in silence, and then headed into the other room.
“I had a visitor today,” Shawn said, sensing it was a good time to change the subject.
“Let me guess. Nikki.”
Shawn’s eyebrows shot up. “You talked to her?”
Jaymi shook her head and curled her legs beneath her on the sofa. “I don’t have to. I’m sorry, I should have warned you. She gave you the Jaymi’s been hurt and I’m looking out for her speech, didn’t she?”
Shawn nodded, let out a deep breath, and bit her bottom lip. “You know her well.”
“Don’t take it personally, Shawn. She pulls this protective act every time I make a new friend. Not that you’re a completely new friend, but, you know. I keep telling her to give me a little credit. Remember what I said about us all making mistakes? Well, I haven’t always made the smartest moves when it comes to women, but I can at least say I’ve learned from my mistakes. And seeing a therapist helped, too.”
“You’ve been in therapy?”
“Oh yeah. Sanest decision I ever made in my life, ironically. I learned a lot about myself, and I’m much stronger and more confident because of it. It helped me with losing my mom, as well as other things. And I’ve learned to watch for red flags so I don’t fall into old behavior patterns and neglect myself.”
Shawn shifted in her chair. “Red flags, huh? Like what kind of red flags?”
“Well, let’s see. I dated a girl for a couple months who always criticized how much people drank at the clubs, yet she got smashed every time we went to one. I suspected she had a problem, so I subtly tried to fix her. She’d had a tough childhood, and I felt bad for her. I thought if I loved her enough, that I could single-handedly cure her of her addiction. I would take her places that didn’t serve alcohol, like the mall, or a movie, or the beach. But every time, without fail, we’d end up at a bar or a club because she insisted we had to properly end every date with a nightcap. When I finally told her that I thought she had a drinking problem, she flipped out and dumped me. Another girl I went out with talked about her ex a lot, and I didn’t think much of it. Everybody does that to an extent when you first start dating. A month into the relationship, though, she was still obsessing over this girl. And then one night she called me her ex-girlfriend’s name when I was making love to her.”
“No shit! Now that’s bad.” She couldn’t believe all those women didn’t know what a good thing they had in Jaymi.
“Yeah, no kidding. She kept apologizing, saying it was just old habit, and it didn’t mean anything. Well, I finally smartened up and accepted that she was still in love with her ex. I should’ve picked up on it earlier, but I ignored the signs because I was so attracted to her. I ended up breaking it off, and then I found out that less than a week later, they were back together.”
“Guess that’s why they say love is blind.” Shawn had begun to fidget when Jaymi said making love. It was stirring up fantasies and hormones she needed to keep under control.
“I’m ashamed to say I could give you more sordid stories of my failed relationships, but I don’t want to bore you. I’ve been fortunate that I’ve never been physically abused, but I’ve certainly been psychologically abused.” Jaymi shrugged, and it almost seemed like she was shrugging away the memories.
Shawn noticed the omission of any mention of Peach. Why was that? Was that breakup still too painful to talk about?
“So now that I’ve worked on my confidence issues, I know what to look for, and I can spot those red flags a mile away. But Nikki’s still afraid I’ll fall head over heels for every woman I meet and go right back to my old naive ways and get screwed again.”
Shawn wasn’t sure what to say. A part of her was intrigued and questioning her own possible need for therapy, while another part was flattered. Does Jaymi think of me as someone she could fall for? Is she already on her guard? Am I her type? She forced the thoughts from her mind. She was subtly aware of the reawakening of her old crush on Jaymi but knew it would have to remain just that. No way in hell Jaymi would be interested in a screwup like me. She had to find her own place soon. There were definitely complications she didn’t need.
“Shawn? You okay? You got quiet on me.”
“Oh yeah. I’m fine. Tired, I guess. It’s been a long day.”
Jaymi got up and picked up her guitar. She returned to the sofa and began to strum. “This always helps me relax after a long day. Why don’t you get yours out?”
Shawn couldn’t get down the hall fast enough to retrieve her guitar. I’m going to jam with Jaymi! In her living room! Stay calm now, you fool, you’re acting like a crazed fan, for God’s sake.
They tuned up and Jaymi began to play the intro to one of her songs. Shawn studied her fingers and picked up the chord sequence. Jaymi began to sing softly, and that sweet voice carried over their strumming perfectly. Shawn couldn’t bring herself to sing along on the chorus; she wanted only to hear Jaymi’s voice.
“Now one of yours,” said Jaymi when the song was over.
Shawn froze. Her mind went blank.
“Come on, don’t be shy. I’ve heard you play at open mikes, remember? You’ve got lots of great songs. And a great voice. How about ‘No Foolin’ or ‘Crazy For Your Love’?”
They dove into both suggestions, Jaymi picking up the chords just as easily as Shawn had. But Jaymi wasn’t shy about singing along, adding beautiful harmonies and countermelodies above Shawn’s lower, raspy voice.
When they finished, both were smiling from ear to ear. “That was so much fun,” said Shawn, her skin alive from the music they’d shared.
“We sound pretty damn good together. You’re not used to playing with anyone, are you?”
Shawn felt a little ashamed. “No, it’s always been just me, solo. I never really had anybody to jam with. I’ve never been in a band. My parents thought music was a waste of time. As a career, anyway. Especially my father. So I just played by myself, rather than have to explain to other people why my parents weren’t cool with it.”
Jaymi set down her guitar and placed her hand on Shawn’s knee.
Shawn’s skin tingled at the warm touch. “Trust me, you’re not wasting your time. You’re very talented, Shawn. I love your music. I loved watching you perform in California. You’ve got a lot of heart and it comes through every time you play. People love that.”
“You really mean that? You think I’ve got talent? I mean, I know I’ve got some, but enough to make it?”
“Well, yeah, of course I do. I wouldn’t say that if I didn’t mean it.” Jaymi stood and pulled Shawn up by the hand. “Now come on, let’s go to bed—I mean—” She blushed and laughed nervously. “I’m sorry, that didn’t come out the way I meant. Okay, now I’m embarrassed. What I meant was that we both need to get some sleep.”
Shawn laughed, too. “I knew what you meant, Jaymi.”
“Well, good night. Thanks again for dinner.” Jaymi started down the hall toward her bedroom.
“Jaymi,” Shawn called. Jaymi stopped and turned around. “When it comes to us being friends…I hope there aren’t any red flags.”
Jaymi smiled. “So do I.” She closed the bedroom door behind her.
It wasn’t exactly the response Shawn had been hoping for, but it was a start.
Chapter Seven
Jaymi was actually enjoying her workday, the memories of the last few days replaying in the background. Not that she ever hated her job—it would do until she could support herself with her music. She felt a new spring in her step. She found herself cracking jokes and unable to keep from smiling. And when Jaymi noticed that the supervisor was wearing two different shoes, she couldn’t resist teasing her. It was funny, and her mood seemed to be contagious because her normally humorless boss laughed despite herself.
She knew she had to keep her feelings in check. Enough time had passed since her breakup with Peach that she wasn’t in rebound mode anymore, but she still wanted to be careful not to repeat past mistakes. Had she been single when they’d first met, she might have gotten to know Shawn better. But she’d always felt like Shawn had a good heart.
Songs Unfinished Page 5