by Lucy Scala
Diego sighed. “You’re a brave and determined woman. Life is made up of chapters, some long and magnificent, others short and painful. That was just one of many. Don’t hang on to memories. You can’t know what the future has in mind for you.”
The downpour eased and the sound of the rain turned into a light tapping on the glass. A pleasant sound, almost relaxing.
The arrival of the tow truck eased the situation. I felt relieved.
*
Once home, I continued to turn over in bed, unable to find a comfortable position. I noticed a wet spot near the chandelier, and I remembered that I had to do some maintenance work and soon. Since I inherited the house, I hadn’t bothered to fix it, the pain of losing my grandparents was still too strong and I wanted to leave everything as it was when they lived there.
We had put out posters all over town to give away furniture, utensils and clothes. I had kept only the most precious things, or those linked to specific memories. The attic was still full of junk I hadn’t yet found the courage to go through.
I looked at the alarm clock on the bedside table, then stared at the wooden shelf above the fireplace. Once it had been full of photographs. My favourite was a stolen shot, our wedding day, when we weren’t posing. Davide had taken my face in his hands to kiss me and I had jokingly stuck my tongue out at him.
I heard the window glass vibrate from the noise of a motorcycle. I jumped up and peered through the curtains. Diego had come home.
I decided to go up into the attic, maybe it was time to face the skeletons of the past.
I pulled the metal ladder down from the wooden trapdoor in the bathroom ceiling and climbed up. I pulled at the curtain that covered the only window of the large room and threw it open, letting in the light and refreshing the environment.
Dust was everywhere and cobwebs covered every corner of the ceiling. There was an old brown velvet chair on the right, some dusty picture frames and five cartons sealed with tape. A porcelain doll next to a rickety chest was watching me. I dragged the chest to the window where there was more light, but a padlock prevented me from opening it. I tried forcing the padlock and, weathered by time, it broke at the first try.
I sat cross legged on the floor and opened the trunk.
I found many things I had forgotten about. Several photographs and yellowed letters were scattered on the bottom, there were balls of coloured wool, some white nightgowns and scraps of cloth. I picked some photos up and began to look at them carefully.
The first one portrayed my grandparents during one of their trips to Kenya, happy and smiling in a jeep on safari. In another, there was one of me as a baby in my mother’s arms; my sister’s first day of school and one of our Christmas dinners, many years ago.
A picture slipped from my hands, I picked it up and winced. My hand trembled, and a cold shiver came over me, leaving me breathless and weak. I wiped my eyes, trying to stop myself from crying, but in vain. My vision blurred and I began to sob.
For a long time I tried to hide behind a shield, but to no avail. Two years had passed, but the pain was still as strong inside me.
I regained some self-control. I turned the photo round in my hands and gave it another look. It had been taken in my grandfather’s garden while we were picking salad. My grandmother had taken us by surprise and our expressions were spontaneous. The white ribbed vest emphasized my round belly. I was five months pregnant.
I closed the window and decided to go downstairs, with the photograph hidden in the pocket of my trousers. I threw myself on my bed, punching the pillows and stifling a cry of despair.
Hearing the noise, Bubu came into the room and tried to get my attention. He knew he wasn’t allowed on the bed.
I lowered an arm patting the air in search of him. “Get up, please,” I said, sobbing.
Bubu didn’t need to be told twice and quickly snuggled in the crook of my neck. His warm breath blew on my skin. I cried until I ran out of tears.
I hugged him tight, seeking comfort in his presence, and fell asleep exhausted, lulled by his warmth.
*
I woke up with a terrible headache and noticed that Bubu had gone. Maybe he had gone to sleep in his bed downstairs. I had red swollen eyes. Only the ticking of the clock broke the silence in the room. I sat up with my legs close to my chest and turned my head towards the table. I rubbed my temples trying to ease the pain that gave me no respite. The picture was still there, where I had left it before abandoning myself to desperation.
I had ripped up all the ones I had, every memory of her was gone forever. I had thrown out everything we bought for her, every hospital document, from ultrasound scans to those of admission on the most painful day of my life.
My belly had been emptied by me and my little one… But can you scrape away a memory? I thought I had got rid of everything, but I was wrong. My grandmother had kept it with her, so as not to forget that innocent creature that would have taken her name.
Emma.
My husband and I daydreamed about her until late at night, we made plans and imagined her beautiful face. We had fun betting and hoping she would take my features and the blue colour of his eyes. I would have taught her to be positive and to unconditionally love everyone and animals. I would have listened to her at any hour of day or night, I would have told her stories before going to sleep, the ones where you learn that evil can be defeated. And that death is just a bad dream. I would have helped her get up after a fall and with sweetness I would have explained what was right and what was not. But the final choice would always be hers. I would have prepared her favourite cake for breakfast and I would have held her tight when fear would overcome her. I would have looked at her sleeping serenely in her bed and I would have covered her during the bitter cold nights.
In an instant, everything was gone. Deleted.
That night, it was pouring down with rain and I was coming home after a hard day’s work. It was a cold evening, a full moon, and the city was silently asleep. No traffic. I was happy, we had found two abandoned horses locked up in a barn in very poor condition and rescued them.
I was humming my favourite song, keeping my eyes on the road. The wipers squeaked on the glass with a high pitched and annoying noise. Davide was always reminding me to replace the brushes. How many times had he reprimanded me, and I had raised my eyes and sighed? He was a caring man, I also loved him for his personality, although admittedly at times he was a bit brusque.
I had already planned the evening with him. I would cook the roast that he liked so much, and afterwards we’d relax on the couch watching a movie. Davide would have laid a hand on my belly to feel our little one kicking, and would have put his other arm around my shoulders.
It was a question of seconds.
The tyres skidded, losing their grip on the asphalt, and I lost control of the car. My car ended up in a water filled ditch and because of the violence of the impact, the airbags exploded. One of them had hit me full on.
I opened my eyes with difficulty and a strangled cry of fear and shock escaped from me. I had to think, but my head would not stop throbbing.
I was able to retrieve my cell phone from my jacket pocket, but there was no signal. Damn. I cried while I quickly dialled the emergency number.
I spoke without even hearing my voice. Only a distant sound telling me to wait. I was shaking with fear. Not for myself, but for her. For Emma.
A strong and intense pain amplified in my belly. I tried to move the airbag with my hands to check how my daughter was. It was the only thing I cared about. I ignored the shards of glass that cut my face and neck, my blood-filled nose continued to pulsate undaunted. My jeans were soaked with a strange substance, I was sure that my Emma was dying.
Rescue had been rapid and in a short time I found myself lying on the cold bed of an operating theatre. A trained nurse told me to count, while a needle penetrated into my skin and a clear liquid flowed into me. Cold, I remembered only being very cold. Emma was gone shortly aft
er.
From that day I hadn’t been the same woman, and I hadn’t found the strength to keep my marriage together. I would get out of bed just to eat, reduced to little more than a zombie, unable to live. I didn’t want anyone by my side, nobody could understand my pain. I kept watching my flat and still belly.
An unbearable pain threatened to choke me. Fear crushed me. Emma was gone forever, too soon.
Everyone improvised in giving me expert advice. I didn’t want any of them, or their advice. They had never experienced such a loss.
Even my husband had changed. I couldn’t blame him. He had begun to change his attitude, there was resignation in his inability to understand me. That was when our marriage cracked. Davide loved me, I was sure, but the complicity between us had dissolved.
After two months I went back to work, I kept myself busy with something that would prevent me from thinking. I didn’t want another child. At least, not yet. Davide had figured it out before me, but he lacked the courage to let go of my hand first.
I had already learned that time was able to cure wounds, but couldn’t erase scars. There was no magic wand for those, we just have to learn to live with them, every day, masking them with makeup to forget about them.
I was clinging with my nails onto a relationship that no longer existed. And when my hand let go, even my marriage was over. I had my job and the animals, and that was enough.
Chapter eleven
I looked in the mirror. My eyes were swollen and I had dark circles under them.
No missed call or message from Alberto.
Just as well, at least he was consistent with his decision.
I felt real disappointment for Diego: he hadn’t shown up, and I hadn’t contacted him either. In fact, I had only called him once but his phone was busy.
I had to wait. Wait and ponder.
I took a concealer out of my beauty case and began to tap it under my eyes. A light coat of blush on the cheeks, a bit of mascara on the lashes, and I was done. The result didn’t convince me at all, but I was at least presentable.
I went down stairs quickly and entered the kitchen, trampling on something with my slipper. The night before I had forgotten to feed Bubu, who had tried to get his own food and torn the dog food bag, which he had dragged for several metres.
Fearing that I would be angry with him, he was curled up in his padded basket and had his paws over his nose, waiting.
“I’m not angry with you,” I said sadly, after cleaning up. “I’m a bad owner because I totally forgot about you,” I apologized. “I’ll do something for you so you’ll forgive me. I’ll take you for a long walk and afterwards I’ll give you one of those ham bones you like so much.”
As soon as I went out the morning sun almost blinded me. The warmth of that May morning put me in a good mood.
I called Fiamma to warn her that I would be late and continued my walk with Bubu.
*
“Shall we go for lunch?” asked Antonio, putting some papers that needed filling out on the desk. “Hey, where in the world are you?” he asked again, fanning his hand before my eyes.
I looked up. “Yes, I’m sorry, I was lost in thought, I’m also starting to feel quite hungry.”
“We haven’t stopped for a second. I spoke to Fiamma and I think she felt sorry for me, so she gave me her lunch break.”
I nodded, not paying much attention to him, I took a pen from the drawer and began to fill out requests for adoption. Two other dogs had found a home at last.
“Antonio, before I forget: have you heard about that dog on the chain?”
He shrugged. “The police haven’t called today, yet. Do you want me to contact them?”
I shook my head. “Don’t worry, I’ll do it. I have to make a call anyway.”
“I suppose you’ll want to call your favourite cop…” he teased me.
“Diego?”
“Exactly! I’m sorry, I forgot your beau’s name.”
I burst out laughing. “Oh, Jesus, enough please! What’s wrong with you and Fiamma? Diego is just a colleague and a friend, nothing more,” I said. “In a quarter of an hour at the restaurant next door. Antonio, look, I have the spare key of the closet, so I would suggest you find another place for anatomy lessons. And make sure you’re not late.”
Antonio snorted. “Too bad, it was such a refined and quiet place. However, one-nil for you! Watch it because the next one’s mine,” he smiled, walking away.
I took my cell phone from the drawer and looked for his number. “Hello, Diego, am I bothering you?” I asked.
“Hello, actually I’m a bit busy. I’m getting organized with some colleagues: we have to go and get that dog. The one you saw,” he continued. “The owner didn’t answer any of the warnings, and so we’re allowed to go into the property and take it.”
“What perfect timing, I was just calling to find out about it. Are you going today? If you want, I’m free in the afternoon and I could join you.”
I heard Diego cover the phone while talking to a colleague. “Sorry, I just got confirmation. We’re going in two hours. Do you think you can make it?”
“Sure, no problem. I just have to organize myself because I wanted to give you your book back.”
I looked for a topic for conversation. I’ve often thought about my relationship with Diego before thinking about Emma, and even if I didn’t want to admit it, I was missing it a little.
“So I’ll see you there, then. See you later!” Nothing else.
I regretted crossing the line and didn’t know how to go back to normal. To get back into my comfort zone.
*
I sank into the soft fabric of the chair, tilted my head back and rubbed my belly with my hands. I had eaten too much.
“Guys, I’m going to get that dog on the chain near the equestrian centre shortly, can you free a box and prepare the room for shearing? I’ll also need one of you to give me a hand, I accept volunteers.”
Silence followed my request.
“Please don’t fight, I beg you…” I joked, looking at Fiamma and Antonio.
“I’ll help you, I can’t leave you alone with that guy.”
I glared at Fiamma. “I’m afraid it’s an obsession with you, you know?” I added ironically.
“I’d better go…” added Antonio, merely sipping some fizzy orange drink.
“There’s no need. I’m willing to leave the storage room available, my dears. Just put everything back in order afterwards,” I teased, smiling.
“So let’s take advantage.” Antonio encircled Fiamma’s hips and, with a quick gesture, executed a perfect imitation of a casqué with a final kiss. She tried to get back into an upright position and quickly loosen his grip. She was embarrassed.
I burst out laughing. “But wasn’t it supposed to be a secret? I would say we’re even now.”
“What are you talking about?” asked Fiamma, moving away from him.
I winked. “We’ll have time to talk about it. See you later.”
*
I went to the meeting place. It was the place where I had been with Diego. It was as quiet as I remembered it, and I had the impression that people were afraid to speak or be seen around there. The squad car was parked along the side of the road. I parked right behind it.
Diego and his colleague came to greet me.
“The dog seems to be fine,” Diego re-assured me immediately. “Come, I’ll go with you. As soon as he saw me, he began to whine. I don’t think he can wait to be taken away from here,” he said, passing through the gate that led to the property.
“Here we are!” I exclaimed happily, glad that I could rescue him.
At the sound of my voice, the dog came up, but the short chain stopped him from reaching me.
I reached out and pulled an apple biscuit from my pocket, Bubu’s favourite flavour. “Diego, while I distract him with a treat, try to release him from the chain. Don’t touch the collar, I don’t know how tight it is and I don’t want to hurt hi
m.”
He nodded and followed my directions.
“Do you like it?” I asked.
The dog sniffed the biscuit and swallowed it in one gulp. He must have been really hungry, who knew for how long he hadn’t eaten.
Surprisingly, he let me lead him to the van, where he ducked into the large cage and crouched down, keeping his muzzle lowered.
“That was easier than we expected,” complimented Diego.
“We should work together more often, you know what to do with animals.”
“I think it’s just good luck. To tell you the truth, I’ve never had a dog. Although I’ve always wanted one,” he said, with a thread of sadness. “But for a number of reasons I decided not to. Maybe it’s better this way, I wouldn’t be able to look after it.” He avoided my gaze.
“I think you’re wrong, I’m sure you’d be a perfect owner. If you change your mind one day, I would help you choose one with pleasure.”
It was a certainty that I felt and indulged without adding anything more.
His smile stretched. “Since when have you become like this?”
“Like what?”
“Nice, it’s not really like you.”
“Indeed! I made a vow…”
“A vow? What kind of vow?” he echoed.
“A vow to some unknown pagan deity. I promise to treat you with respect and in exchange we can try some positions in the book you lent me.”
“So you read it,” he said ironically. “If you need someone to practice with, I’m available. If you only knew what that book’s seen…”
“You know? You’re an asshole and childish with it!” I said.
“Yes, and I think you just broke your vow. I have this sneaking suspicion…”
“I hate you!”
Diego came up and pulled me towards him. “I knew it.” I felt the urge to shorten those few centimetres that divided us. “Are you going to bite?”
Instead, Diego bent over and touched my lips, and it was such a light and short kiss that I feared I had imagined it. He took a deep breath and stepped back. “We could be really happy together, but I mustn’t be the only one to want it.” Diego walked away with his colleague, turning one last time before getting into the police car. They had to go back to the station to fill out the relevant forms.