by Debra Holt
Angie gave the young man a smile and nod. “I think it’s my bedtime, too. I’ll walk upstairs with you. Goodnight all.” She tucked her pad under her arm and gave a smug smile to Kaitlyn as she passed. Kaitlyn was determined to not take the hint.
“Goodnight, Miss Russell. I really am glad you came to visit your gran. It’s nice having you around here.” With that said, the boy turned away quickly but not before Kaitlyn noted the slight reddening of his ears in a youthful bashfulness.
“Goodnight, Joshua. Thank you.”
“Night, Dad.”
“Night, son.” The pair shared a hug and Kaitlyn’s heart caught for a moment as she noted the look crossing Clay’s face as his arms went around the small shoulders and he hugged his son.
Kaitlyn was the one to turn away and pretend an interest in a magazine on the side table while she fought for composure. She needed to make her own escape.
“Thanks for everything today… taking me to the hospital and all. I guess I’ll turn in also.” She moved to pass by him.
“Kat—Kaitlyn.” He corrected himself. “Can we have a word? Please?” Clay sounded tired.
She noted the lines in his forehead and crinkles beside his eyes, their color looked deeper in the muted glow of the hall lighting. His hair appeared to have been mussed a few times… perhaps by long fingers brushing through it. For once, she didn’t give him any argument.
“We could step into my study or out on the front porch… your preference?”
“I think fresh air would be nice.”
He stepped to the front door and held it open for her to exit through first.
As her steps passed him, a swift urge to step over and slide her arms around his waist… to allow her head to rest on his chest, swept over her. Where had that come from? She didn’t act on it but made her steps quicker, stopping in front of the wooden railing toward the far end of the porch. There was a nice breeze that carried the sweet scents of the blooming jasmine and roses into the night around them. The moon had risen and would be full in another couple of nights. It was a perfect evening. Too perfect. Kaitlyn realized too late that the safer choice might have been the study and not a secluded, romantic moonlit porch.
“I have forgotten how quiet the country can be.”
“I guess you’ve gotten used to living in a huge city where the noise never stops. McKenna Springs has to seem a whole different world now. I suppose you can’t wait to get back to the lights and action of New York, and to your other friends, such as Jeffrey.” He was standing a couple feet from her, his back leaning against a pillar, his gaze turned in her direction but unreadable in the shadows.
“You suppose wrong.” Was he trying to remind her she didn’t belong here? “You really don’t know anything about the person I am now, so perhaps you shouldn’t be too quick to make such statements. And why do you mention Jeffrey?”
“Angie mentioned him earlier. I assume he’s someone who is special to you.”
“No more than anyone else.” Why was she explaining herself to him?
And why did it have to become abundantly clear in that moment when she spoke those words, that she had Jeffrey’s answer for him. She wouldn’t be accepting his proposal. That was crystal clear. The why of it, well she didn’t want to go there at that moment. She needed to concentrate on Clay’s words.
“So, you want me to believe that standing here on a porch in the country, with no audience, no scripted words, no fans wanting your autograph… is where you prefer to be? Just you and me and a Texas moon to wish upon?” His voice lowered as he spoke, running over her skin almost like a caress. “Do you still make a wish on the full moon, Kat? Or did you leave that behind you too when you left us?”
What was he doing? If this was some insane game, she had no idea what the rules were. Emotions were running rampant inside her. Leave. No… stay. She was warring within herself.
“Wishes are for children. I grew up when I left here.”
Was there a spark of sadness in the eyes that slid over her face, as if searching for something unknown? Two fingers reached up to capture a few strands of her hair from her shoulder, sliding them gently between his fingertips. Her breathing became shallow in her chest as if afraid the slightest puff of wind would shatter the fragile gossamer cocoon that had formed around them.
“I like to think some wishes come true. One of mine has.”
“How so?”
“Many nights I’ve stood on this land and looked at a full moon and remembered how you would stop everything and make your wish… so certain that it would come true. It made me try it a time or two.”
“What did you wish?” Do I really want to know?
“That there would be one more time you and I would be together under a Texas moon. And here we are.”
“Why was it so important to you? What did you think would happen?”
“One more chance… to do this.” His head bent, his lips touching hers as softly as the whisper of butterfly wings.
She first thought she was dreaming it. Her eyes closed and her body swayed to meet his. Memory after memory came rushing back along with all the feelings that should have stayed locked away in that deep, dark well where she banished them long ago, never to see the light of day again. Or so she had fooled herself. Clay Morgan’s touch was just as lethal to her common sense as it had always been, his lips, now increasing their pressure and drawing hers along in their exploration, were still as intoxicating to every fiber of her being. She was coming to life again, and it was thrilling and very scary… and so very wrong.
She stepped back, breaking the contact, and trying to grasp some edge of sanity to hold on to, even if she wanted nothing more than to hold onto the man in front of her and never let go. But she had remembered… just in the nick of time. He had let go of her long before.
“Consider that your last chance.” She found the courage to move away to the front door where she paused and gave him her parting words. “I think our next conversation best be in sunlight. Moonlight tends to cause shadows that can hide too many secrets.”
Chapter Ten
Too many secrets. She had said those words and they echoed in his mind. It was the hardest thing Clay had ever done… to not go after Kaitlyn and… and what? Make more of a fool of himself than he already had? You are a fool, Morgan. He had been a fool to be so certain he could handle things. Keep all emotions out of the issue. It wouldn’t be easy, but when had that ever stopped him before? If he looked upon Georgia’s request as just another assignment to handle and when completed, walk away from without another thought. But there was the rub. It wasn’t just another case… it was Kaitlyn. It was his heart.
The very thing he had feared with her return had happened. It had come stealing in without any warning. His heart had not been as prepared as he had led himself to believe. He had thought he had it well insulated. One look at her when he had stepped from the helicopter and he had lost all grasp on the present and felt the years disappeared in an instant. She still had his heart and it was also clear, it would be the last thing she would want of his. He tried to remain aloof… at a distance. Behave with his usual professional demeanor. That had worked for about two seconds. Then his brain had lost the battle of wills with his heart.
Had he really believed he could keep things on a non-emotional level? There were simply too many layers, too many secrets, just like she had said in parting. But he couldn’t help himself. She was like the forbidden fruit to a man too hungry for too long. Seeing her standing on the porch of the house he had built with her in mind… she was in every nail, every board, every nook and cranny of its fiber. She always would be. There should have been years of nights for the two of them in the moonlight. But life had other plans. So he was guilty of stealing one chance to taste her lips and hold her in the moonlight… to make the dream he carried come to life if only for one moment. He’d live on that moment for the remainder of his days. He had done his job too well all those years before.
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br /> Slowly, he moved through the still house to his study. Sinking into the leather chair behind his desk, he allowed his head to fall back, his eyes closing against reality. Clay felt drained, physically and emotionally. Opening the desk drawer beside him, he reached in and brought out the gold-framed photo from its hiding place. He had quickly placed it inside the desk the first day of her arrival. He wasn’t certain why he had done that. There would be no reason for Kaitlyn to venture into his study. But he had done it anyway. It was a window into his soul that was best kept shuttered.
Holding the frame in his hand, his thumb slowly outlined the familiar figure. The photo sat on his desk or near it for almost a dozen years. It reminded him every day and every night of what life had almost been. It was a photo taken of them the night of Kaitlyn’s senior prom. He had his arms around her and she was so beautiful in that blue gown—the memory of which always caused a stir deep within him. They had both been laughing just a moment before and she had flashed such a happy smile at the photographer. The lens captured a golden girl, happy in the arms of the man she loved. And the man who had loved her… still loved her… would always love her. There it was. The bald truth was out and could not be avoided any longer. Once upon a time, he had handed his heart to a girl in a blue gown with moonlight in her eyes.
How often had he lain awake at night over the years and allowed himself to wonder if he had it to do over again… would he have let her go? What if he had been selfish? What if he had kept her in Texas and married her? How long before she would have begun to realize she had missed her chance to be someone… to have a different life in the spotlight? How long before she would have looked at him with disappointment, for keeping her away from the bright lights and applause? Clay had known from the beginning, from the first time he had seen her walk out on a stage, that she had that “something”. People called it star quality. He didn’t know what it was; he just knew that she had it in spades.
When she had debuted in her first Broadway musical, Clay had been there. Kaitlyn had not known of course. He had needed to see for himself—to see if by letting her go—he had made the right decision. I saw all right. Kaitlyn Russell was where she belonged. Leaving the theater that night in a cold, misting rain, he had struggled with the truth. He forced himself to keep moving forward and never look back. He would walk with regret the rest of his life, but at least she was happy. Although with each step of the way and each mile back to Texas, Clay had left a piece of his heart in the dust of his footsteps. Leaving her had cost him dearly.
He thought by focusing on his job and working long hours and dealing with the dark side of people, he would keep his mind occupied. Eventually, one day, he would not even remember her. Foolish idea. Other people might worship from afar, other men might daydream about kissing her lips, but he had actually done so, and the memories still drove him slowly insane in the darkest hours of the night. And the kiss they had just shared in the moonlight… that would remain branded on his soul. It was a torture he chose to inflict upon himself.
Since her arrival in his home, the cold showers in the middle of the night and trying to maintain some distance and control over his feelings, yet keep things as normal as possible for everyone’s sake… was like walking a tightrope over a burning candle. Any minute, that rope was bound to break. It would be him falling into the fire when it did.
His eyes went back to the photo. Prom night. A low groan escaped his lips at the memory. God, she had been so glorious, standing there in the moonlight of that old barn. Talk about insane, years later, when the family had sold that property, he had offered to buy the old broken remains of that building. They had probably thought he was crazy but they took his money and that barn had been placed in a field of bluebonnets not far from the stream he had found her in earlier in the day. If she saw it, she probably wouldn’t even recognize it. If anyone knew why he had done what he did, they would think he had lost every ounce of sense he had. Maybe he had. But the memories of her in that old barn still burned bright in his soul. Her eyes had been dark azure pools that mesmerized him, drawing him into their depths and her arms and he had no power to save himself. Her body was so achingly perfect… perfect. Kaitlyn had remembered that moment, too. He had spoken the word that night in the barn. Then again just yesterday in the kitchen… her reaction was subtle but she had remembered.
However, her reaction told him that he had made a big mistake in not leaving it buried. He had wanted to get a rise out of her, had wanted to get some indication that she remembered how it used to be between them. That he had mattered to her at one time. Why it should be so important to him, he had not asked himself. It was obvious she wanted to forget everything that had happened between them. He was the past. She had moved on… with people like Jeffrey. He had no idea who the man was but the fact he had been mentioned as part of her world… that had been enough for jealousy to make him speak up… to overplay his hand.
Kaitlyn would never know what it had cost him to honor her grandmother’s request. Maybe it had been his false sense of bravado. After that night in the barn, after their vows of love and plans for the future, he must have seemed like the biggest liar in the world to her. Clay had hoped that someday she would realize he had had no choice. At least, not in his way of thinking back then. A man gave his word and he kept it. He had given his word to her grandmother that day she had seated him in her living room. He would always remember those words that had changed so much of all their lives.
*
“I called you over here while Kaitlyn’s at the store. We need to talk and we don’t need interruptions. I know you love my granddaughter.” Always one to get the heart of any matter, the woman minced no words. “And I know that she thinks she loves you. And maybe she does.”
Georgia Russell, back still rigid and mind razor-sharp, sat across from him, hands folded in her lap, her steely blue gaze strong and steady upon him. So far, there was nothing for him to refute. She stated facts.
“I have tried to raise her right since her parents died. Everything I have done has been with her best interests in mind. I love her, too. I didn’t mind that my granddaughter had a crush on you. You’re a good man. But she is still a young girl… with lots of things still to experience before she should be thinking about things like marriage and babies and all the pains… and joys… that go with those things.”
A hint of something, maybe sadness, had softened her gaze.
“I believe she has a God-given talent. I think you realize that, too. And I have done everything in my power in order to give her a chance. Kaitlyn deserves an opportunity to leave here and make her dream come true—to find her potential and have a good life. That’s why New York, while it breaks my heart to not have her with me, is where she needs to be now. I have made peace with that. And now you need to do the same. If you love my granddaughter, you will set her free. Let her see if she has what it takes to make those dreams come true. Because if you don’t, Clay—if I don’t—she’ll always wonder, and living with “what ifs” isn’t any way to live at all. Would you want her to live with that? Would you want to be responsible for taking her dreams away? Of standing between her and happiness?”
*
Clay had sat still, listening to the woman’s words. He didn’t interrupt her because everything she said was true. He could not fight the truth. He had known it. He had just tried to push it farther back in his mind each time he was with Kat. Clay had wanted the fairy tale. A home and family with the woman he loved. For a few brief months, he had actually dared to think he could make it work. But Kaitlyn did indeed deserve better. She had such a special spark inside her. She had choices and she had a chance. What had he to offer in comparison back then?
Clay Morgan was the son of a man who had disappeared before he could walk and a mother who had been too young to be anyone’s mother. He had been left to be raised by an uncle who was always too busy and never around so Clay had basically had to make his own way since entering his teen yea
rs. He had gone into law enforcement because that had been his dream. Clay had very limited chances to give her back then.
Leaving Georgia and the house behind, he had driven for hours, thinking, replaying the woman’s words over and over in his mind. By the time morning came around, he knew what he was going to do. Kaitlyn did deserve better. He was the only one who could remove the last obstacle from her way. His mind went back to that painful day.
He had found her sitting under that same pecan tree where he had first seen her, where he had placed his heart at her feet after one look into her eyes. The smile she had given him as he approached, giving an inviting pat to the empty seat beside her, so lovely and fresh as a spring morning in her pale pink sundress. That smile had haunted his dreams from that moment forward. Clay didn’t sit. He chose to remain standing instead; his hands tightly kneaded the brim of the hat in his hand in a nervous gesture.
*
“Well, this is a fine thing,” she said, smiling up at him. “I suppose you’re already bored with me?” He glanced at her quickly and saw the laughter lurking in her eyes… the bluest blue eyes in Texas. Her eyes haunted him more than anything.
“Come sit beside me.”
For a second, he thought about doing just that. What would just a few more minutes hurt? A few more minutes to sit beside her and pretend that she was his? No. That would not be fair to her and would only make his misery worse. Get it over.
“I can’t stay, Kat. I just came by to say something before I go on patrol.”
Her smile was still there but the laughter changed to concern for him.
“Clay, are you okay? Is something wrong?” She rose to stand beside him then, her hand reaching out to his arm. She stilled it when he had dropped his arm to his side. Kaitlyn waited, her hands clasped together, looking up at him. Complete trust in her eyes. He could not look at her face right then. His own eyes stayed intent on a point in the distance.