He pulls his mouth off of me and I hear him say, "Are you about to come, sweetheart?"
"Yes. God, yes," I gasp.
"Good," he replies as his hands and body leave mine.
I open my eyes, feeling so dizzy that I’m afraid I might lose my balance. Walsh is still on his knees,, and when I look down, he’s smiling up at me. He takes my hand in his, and I notice that he has an object in his other hand.
I freeze, my mind a haze of lust and panic. "What are you doing? I’m dying here, Walsh," I whisper.
"Sweetheart," he says seriously. "I know you want to come right now, and I promise I’ll finish the job for you—but not until you say yes. Tammy DiLorenzo, will you marry me?"
I bring my hand up to my chest, covering my heart as if I’m afraid it’ll fly away in the face of this overwhelming emotion. It’s beating so hard I can hear it. Walsh can probably hear it. I feel a wave of lightheadedness course through me, and I squeeze his hand that holds mine to ground myself. I can barely get the words out as I try to answer him.
"You just proposed to me while I’m naked. And you’re holding me a sexual hostage until I agree to marry you?"
The grin on his face is priceless. "You got it, gorgeous. I need every advantage I can get."
I laugh as tears start to fall too. "Oh my God. You are unbelievable."
He opens the small velvet box he has in his hand and takes out a big, gaudy diamond ring. Walsh loves flashy, shiny, expensive shit. This ring must have cost a bundle. But I love it because it’s so him.
He gently slides it onto my third finger then kisses it as he holds my hand. "So what do you say, Tammy? An orgasm for a wedding?"
"Yes, you idiot." I fall to my knees in front of him, laughing as I grab him and kiss him hard. He laughs too and pulls me under him on the blanket as he yanks his swim trunks down at the same time.
"Tammy," he rumbles. "I fucking love you so much." He looks at me tenderly, his thumb stroking my cheek as his other hand caresses my skin, up and down my side. "You’re everything to me. Every. Single. Thing."
"I love you too," I whisper back as we meld together in a way we never have before. Walsh spends the rest of the night fulfilling his part of the bargain—orgasms for a wedding.
I feel my face heat at the memory, and when I dart a look at Walsh, I can tell he’s remembered the same thing I have. He looks uncomfortable, and I feel the energy coming off of him. Energy that is scrambling for a way to escape. Escape me, escape our past.
"Speaking of Hawaii," Walsh says in an effort to save the conversation. "Colin’s on his way. Should be here tomorrow."
"He texted me this morning," Joss says, grinning. "I can’t believe he’s been surfing for three months."
"Yeah, it’ll be good to see him." Walsh pauses. "You know that Mike’s out here with me, right?"
I see Mel’s expression go hard, and Joss nods. "Is he… I mean… Shit, I don’t know. Will I be seeing him?" Joss finally spits out.
Walsh looks at Joss from under his brows, his face impassive. "I’ve asked him to give it a shot. I’ll ask you the same thing. We’re all in one place at the same time. We might as well be on our best behavior. He’s been here for me, man, when no one else was."
Joss has the grace to look chagrined before he runs his hand through his hair, a habit that means he’s frustrated and feeling out of control. My sister leans into him and runs her hand along his arm. He visibly relaxes, and I’m amazed. Their connection is obvious and strong. My heart aches with envy. It amazes me how I can miss Walsh so damn much when he’s sitting right next to me.
"Whatever you want. I promise to put it all behind me. I’d like nothing more than a chance to start over. With you, with Mike"—he shoots a look at me—"try to get back to something real. You’ll always be my family. I’ll do whatever it takes."
Walsh nods just as Marsha arrives with our food and drinks. We spend the rest of the meal making stupid small talk. It’s stilted and awkward, but at least no one’s throwing punches. As always, Walsh smooths everything over, doesn’t put too much pressure on anyone, and remains pleasant. I’m more aware of it than I’ve ever been before. I realize that he’s always done this, made it easy for Joss and me and whoever else is around. And I remember that this is also what eventually pushed him to drink. Trying to make it all right for everyone else.
When we’ve all eaten, Walsh insists on paying the bill and then stands up. "I’ve got work in the morning, so I’m going to go on home," he says. "But we’re doing a little something out at the ranch with Mike and Colin tomorrow night. You’ll be there?"
Joss looks at Mel, who nods her head. "Yeah, absolutely. Just fill us in and we’ll be there."
"Good," Walsh answers. "I’ll text you tomorrow with the details." Then he turns to me. "Can I walk you back, Tammy?" he asks.
I remember what happened the last time we made the walk together from The Bronco to Mrs. Stallworth’s. My stomach churns at the thought of how that night ended—Walsh passed out drunk on a park bench, me discarded in the parking lot of a diner.
"No. I think I’ll stay here with Mel a bit longer," I answer him.
He gives me a sharp nod and then a little salute to Joss and Mel before his long legs carry him away as he moves out of the bar and into the muggy Texas night.
I hear Joss sigh as he collapses back into his chair. "Fuck," he says succinctly.
Mel runs her fingers through the longish hair on his nape. "It went well. Didn’t it, Tammy? I can’t imagine it going any better. Not realistically." She bounces her gaze back and forth between Joss and me.
I swallow and try to paste a smile on my face. I have a feeling it’s a pretty weak attempt. "Yeah. Um, yeah. I think it went as well as you could hope for sure." The emotions are so intense that I feel like I’ve run a marathon. Judging by the expression on Joss’s face, he feels the same.
"You both did great," Mel continues. "I’m proud of you."
I shake my head. "God, if someone had told me this would be my life a couple of years ago, I’d have never believed them." I laugh bitterly. "The man I was going to spend the rest of my life with treats me like I’m a distant acquaintance at best, my sister has to watch me like a hawk to make sure I don’t explode all over everyone I meet, and the best friend I ever had can’t even look at me without everyone thinking there’s something incredibly inappropriate going on between us."
Joss finally does look at me, regret coating his face. "Tam—" he says sorrowfully.
I put up my hand palm out. "Nope. Just don’t. I did it to myself. I know that, and most days I accept it for what it is, but this? Here tonight? I won’t lie. It was rough."
I turn to Mel. "I’m pretty worn out. Can we talk more tomorrow? I’m not sure what Mike and Walsh have planned out at the ranch, but maybe we can find out what the schedule is and squeeze in a lunch or something?"
I watch as Joss holds my sister’s hand on the table, gently rubbing the inside of her wrist with his thumb.
"Yes. Definitely," Mel answers, her eyes full of worry.
"Good." I stand and then lean down to give her a kiss on the cheek. "I’m fine," I whisper in her ear. "I’ll see you both tomorrow."
"Tammy?" Joss says as I turn away from the table.
"Yeah?"
"You okay to walk home by yourself?" he asks.
"Yeah, Joss. I’m getting used to being alone," I answer before I walk away.
WHEN I reach Mrs. Stallworth’s, I see a figure sitting on the porch swing in the dark. I open the gate and move up the walkway.
"He worked really hard not to look at you," Walsh says from the shadows.
I stop midway between the gate and the porch. "What?" I ask even though I know exactly what he’s saying.
"Joss worked really hard at not looking at you. Like he thought it would set me off. Like he didn’t want there to be any misunderstandings around how he feels about you."
I continue on up to the porch and stop in front of the door into t
he house. "There are no misunderstandings, Walsh. He’s in love with my sister and she’s in love with him. I don’t factor into that equation anywhere, except as the woman who will wear some sort of ugly satin gown to stand up with them at their wedding."
He shifts on the swing, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. "He’s in love with Mel. Mel’s in love with him. None of that tells me what you feel. ‘Cause you want to know what I feel, Tam?"
I swallow but don’t face him, don’t answer him. He stands and stalks closer until he’s next to me, touching me, running his fingers along the side of my neck and up into my hair.
Softly, in a drop-dead sexy voice, he says, "I feel like you’re mine. I feel like the very idea of him putting his hands on you makes me want to fucking rip his balls off. I feel like getting inside you so deep and so long that you’ll forget any other man ever existed, much less touched you."
I gasp, trying to take in air to lungs that have forgotten how to breathe. He leans down and ever-so-slowly licks the spot of skin behind my ear before taking my earlobe into his mouth and sucking while he bites down on it. I can’t help but make a small noise as the ache shoots straight down from my chest to my core.
"But I’m learning to control myself, Tammy. Without alcohol. I’m learning to control how I act, but it doesn’t make the feelings go away."
I’m shaking by this point, my skin so heated where he’s touched me that I feel like I’m on fire. And I want him worse than I’ve ever wanted anything—ever. But I’m also furious. Furious at his hot-and-cold behavior. Furious at the way he left me after we slept together. Furious that he keeps pushing me away but won’t really let me go.
He steps back and reaches around me for the door. He swings it open and tells me, "Sleep well, Tammy. But be careful who you dream about tonight. My control isn’t perfect yet."
I swallow, lift my chin, and march into the house without a word. I fucking hate Walsh Clark. And I love him so much.
Walsh
WHEN I get to the ranch the next morning, I ask Ronny to meet with me. I need to process last night and get ready for what I have to do tonight. We get together in the barn while Leanne’s serving breakfast to the rest of the guys.
As soon as he walks in, Ronny picks up a broom and starts sweeping out a stall. Without even thinking about it, I get some hay and start filling the feeder in one of the other stalls where Ronny’s favorite horse, Jericho, stays.
"So what you got for me today?" he asks.
"You know Joss is here."
"Yep. You seen him?"
"Yeah. I had dinner with him last night. He’s engaged to Tammy’s sister now. That’s why he wanted to come, so they could tell me."
Ronny stops and looks at me, incredulous. "Jesus, you’re an incestuous bunch, aren’t you?"
I laugh. "Yeah, I never told you, but before the whole story about him and Tammy came out, he’d started seeing Tammy’s sister. It was during our tour last summer. Tammy had hired Mel to photograph the tour."
"The sister doesn’t worry she’s just Joss’s substitute for Tammy?" he asks logically.
"Nah. If you’d ever seen him with Mel, you’d know that’s not what’s going on. I know Joss better than I know myself. He’s a hundred percent about Mel." I pause. "But that doesn’t keep me from wanting to rip his balls off every time I see him within a mile of Tammy."
Ronny nods. "Let’s get to it, then. What did you do last night?"
I scratch my head. "I shook his hand and I sat down at a table and ate dinner with him. I invited him out here tonight, and as if that’s not enough, I’ve got to apologize to him now. He’s on my list of amends to make, and tonight’s my chance."
"So even though he broke up your relationship with Tammy, you have to apologize to him?"
This is one of those Ronny questions. He already has an opinion, a lesson I need to understand, but it’s couched in the form of a question so I have to puzzle it out myself.
"That’s what it feels like, but I know that’s not really what happened. I mean, I put Tammy through hell with the drinking. I can’t say it’s all her fault or all Joss’s. I pushed both of them about as far as you can push people who love you without them walking away. They never walked away from me though, you know? Even now. Tammy’s here. Joss is here. They’ve always been there."
"But?" he asks as he tosses new straw on the bottom of the stall he’s swept out.
"But I still want to rip his balls off." I give him a wry smile as he laughs.
"I think that’s probably a pretty healthy reaction."
"Yeah. And instead of doing that, I’m going to apologize to him."
"Yep. You are. Not because you’re trying to keep the peace though. You need to understand that difference. Your days of peacekeeping at your own expense are behind you. You’re apologizing because it’s the right thing to do. Because while the kid did something unforgiveable, he also stood by you your whole life and put you in rehab, and he’s here now even though it could very well have meant setting himself up for your wrath. He put himself out there, and now you’re going to do the right thing. The adult thing."
"It’d be so much easier to just get drunk," I say.
"It sure as hell would," Ronny sighs and then chuckles.
"So Leanne’s got the steaks for tonight and Mike and I picked up all the rest of the food yesterday in town. I really appreciate you letting me do this."
"It’s no problem. Just make sure that fire’s out really well when you’re done. And if you do decide to rip someone’s balls off, do it quietly. I like my sleep."
I laugh, and we head back to the main house to get started on our day.
WHEN MIKE told me that Colin was coming to town too, I decided that we needed to do something to get everyone together. I’m not thinking we can solve our problems with a good meal and a campfire, but we lived together for a lot of years, and most of that time, we were each other’s only family. We haven’t been together in nearly a year. It’s time to do that and see where it takes us.
Ronny’s got a big campfire set up not too far from the main house. A couple of times a year, he’ll have an event and use it. He’s got chairs and benches, big boulders in a circle around the main pit, and a couple of auxiliary pits for cooking the food. Leanne was nice enough to marinate a bunch of steaks for us, and Mike and I grabbed other stuff like potato salad that doesn’t have to be cooked, because God knows neither one of us can.
I text everyone the time and directions in the morning before I start work, and after lunch, Mike heads to Dallas to pick up Colin at the airport. Joss and Mel paid some astronomical amount of money to rent a house in town while they’re here. Joss literally got some realtor to proposition people by offering them a vacation for a week if they’d let him stay in their house while they were gone. I think he felt like staying at Mrs. Stallworth’s would have been a little too friendly. I agree. So the Gabriel family got a trip to the beach in San Diego and Joss and Mel got a three-bedroom ranch-style two blocks off of Main Street.
Colin’s going to stay out at the ranch with Mike, and surprisingly, he’s agreed not to get high while he’s there. Mike and I were stunned, but he seemed fine with it, saying something about times changing.
I’m finishing some cleanup from a project I was working on in the barn when I see Mike drive up. I head outside quickly and get to the truck just as Colin’s hopping out.
"Duuuude!" I holler as I grab him in a big bear hug. He slaps me on the shoulder, and then I pull back to get a look at him.
His hair is bleached out from the surfing and sun, a blond lighter than Joss’s dishwater shade. He’s bulked up too, sporting some noticeable pecs and biceps.
"Look at you, surfer boy," I joke, grabbing him around the neck and giving him a noogie.
He laughs and punches me gently in the stomach. I release him as Mike makes his way around from the other side of the truck.
"Can you believe it? Our boy is all grown up," Mike simpers as he s
laps Colin on the back.
"Fuck off, dude," Colin says, reaching for his duffle bag in the bed of the truck. "Healthy living and being away from you assholes has done wonders."
"You look great, man. It’s really good to see you," I tell him honestly.
"Thanks. It’s good to see you too." He gives me his boyish smile, his teeth white and shiny against his tan skin.
There’s something different about him, a different energy. I’m trying to figure out what it is as we help him take his bass and other things inside the bunkhouse. When he removes his sunglasses, I do a double take when I see his eyes. They’re clear and bright, and he’s as sober as I am.
"Holy shit, dude," I blurt out.
"What?" he asks, his brow puckering in question.
Mike shoots me a look that communicates shut the fuck up.
"Um, you’re, uh… You’re just so dark. I can’t believe your pasty Irish skin can tan like that."
"No dissing my Granny’s homeland, man. You know the rules," he answers, pointing a finger at me in emphasis.
"He was dissing you, dude. Not Ireland." Mike rolls his eyes. "Come on. I’m going to introduce you to Ronny and Leanne so they know you’re here. Oh, I think I left the keys in the truck. Run out there and see, will you?" Mike directs Colin as he starts to dig through a dresser drawer.
"Sure," Colin says agreeably. "Be right back."
As soon as Colin clears the doorway, Mike is on me, whispering rapidly. "He’s clean. I don’t know what happened. He won’t tell me. But he doesn’t smoke anymore—no drugs at all. He’s really sensitive about it though, so don’t mention it. And you’d better tell Joss too."
For the Love of a Lush (Lush No. 2) Page 17