by JA Huss
I sniff down a leftover sob. "What are you doing in here?"
He turns around. "Waiting for you to come back."
"I went to see Tier." I watch his face as I say the words, but he turns away.
"Yeah, everyone knows already, Junco. Your life is like a screen around here. That's why they want a look at you. To see how upset you are, get ratings for tomorrow's fight and all that good shit. They have you the odds-on favorite to win but the real money is on whether or not you'll kill him in the end. Pretty sick, right?"
I cross the room to the window and stand next to him to watch the party below. The free-G is on and people are floating around like drunken angels. I climb the little lip against the window and when I look over at Kush I'm not that much shorter than him. I smile despite my current situation and he smiles back.
"What?"
I let out a sigh and shake my head. "God, I'm glad you're here. When Monk told me you were next door I cried, I was so relieved."
He lets out a small laugh. "That's a fucking first. Where's Ashur? I thought for sure he'd be here to comfort you the night before."
"I think it got weird, him seeing Tier and me together. I like Ashur, a lot. I mean, I really do. But I love Tier. Love him, Kush. There's no comparison."
Kush looks over at me. "What happened on Earth, Junco? What did you do together that made you so connected to him?" He turns back to the party. "No one can figure that out. Not even your team. So, whatever you guys did down there, he never told them."
"Yeah." I huff out some air with my words. "I found that out along the way. They've been lacking in some seriously critical information. Stuff Tier knew, and they should've known, but didn't."
"So, what happened? Why is he so special?"
"Well, I–" I stop and look at him for the first time, I mean really look at him. He's a very good-looking guy. Tall and muscular. Not fair, but not dark either. Golden, really. Why is Tier so special? I want to say, Do you understand what a fucking horrible piece of shit I am? And do you understand that Tier was the first person who ever thought to be careful with me?
But I don't. I go right for the kill-shot instead. "Did you know that I tortured my father with my SEAR knife?"
His eyes squint at me. "You did what?"
I breathe out and nod. "Yeah, see, he found out I was dating this guy from the Mountain Republic and had him killed. And then I found out I was pregnant and he killed my baby. So, I went a little crazy." I look over at him to see what he's thinking, but his face is neutral, not yet ready to judge. "I tortured him with my SEAR and left him to die. And Tier…" I breathe out again to slow myself down. "He was there watching me that night, and went down and killed my father after, so he wouldn't suffer."
His blue eyes just stare at me for a few seconds. "Shit, Junco. I had no idea."
"No, I've never told anyone that story. But that's not what made me love him. That was just how it all started. He just–"
Kush is waiting now, with expectations in his eyes.
"Gets me. He gets me. And he saved my life, shit, a couple times at least. We fought some nightdogs together, and that's how I lost my fingers. Then he healed them for me. And we escaped from the MR soldiers through this fucked-up cave system, and killed this seriously evil genetic engineer, and battled with mutants and machines down in these tunnels."
I stop and watch the smile creep across his face as he pictures our adventures on Earth. The truth is though, these aren't the things that made me love him either. It was him washing my hair, healing me, telling me stories, eating the dinner I cooked, sitting behind me on my favorite horse, and revealing his secrets that made me love him. But I'm not going to tell anyone that.
So, I just nod my head and keep going. "He introduced me to Moju, who is wilder than I am. And he was always on my side." I shrug. "We just fit together, like a puzzle. He was so patient when I couldn't remember what happened. And he was genuinely hurt and apologetic when he had to be the one to tell me the truth. He refused to leave me behind. You should've seen the warriors descend down on my house to fight the Mountain Republic's military, Kush – it was fantastic! They swooped in and fuck–"
"I did see it, Junco, it was all over the newscreens before you came out of morph, before anyone knew who you were and what was going on. There were reporters everywhere and that shit was beamed from Earth within days. Everyone's seen it. They call you the snowbird."
"I had no idea." I laugh and pause to think about it for a second. "But the most important reason why Tier is so special, and why I can't let him die tomorrow, is because he risked his life to bring me here and put me through morph." I look up again and this time I see myself through Kush's eyes. I smile and he returns it. "He gave me a choice, a chance really. A whole new life."
"You're so lucky, Junco."
"That's funny, Kush." I play with my uniform again, adjusting the wrinkles that aren't there. "The bad shit about me far outweighs the good, take my word on that one."
"I doubt that, Junco. You have a giant heart, and" – he smiles – "they all love you now. It's like all the good shit is about to come your way, you're right on the edge of something wonderful."
I look away for a second and my voice lowers and loses the excitement it just had. "If he does die tomorrow, Kush. I'm going with him." When I look back he's frowning at me and I feel bad for admitting my secret. Burdening him with it.
He moves closer and puts his arm around me. "Don't talk like that, Junco." He pulls me in front of him and we lean on the window together to watch the party beyond. There are a few reporters that are floating close to the glass, trying to see in. "Can they see us?"
I feel Kush shake his head behind me. "No, when it's dark in here it's a mirror from out there." His hand parts the hair from the back of my neck and I feel a tingle go up my body, then his mouth on my neck as he kisses me. At first I instinctively pull away a little bit, but he doesn't back off and the longer I let him continue, the better it feels.
I turn my head and his mouth finds mine and then I let him kiss me there too. It's not tender and filled with love like Tier's kisses, but it is passionate.
His hands slip under each arm to release the seams on my shirt, then they gently tug it over my head and return to my back. I buckle as his fingers slide across the sensitive skin between my wings.
He pushes his chest into me and the pressure on my wings makes my throat stretch up and to the side, exposing my neck even more. His mouth slips up to my ear and my eyes flutter as a small groan rumbles out. His breath glides in and tickles pleasure receptors I never knew I had. Fingertips are tracing along the top side of my wing, making it extend out automatically, inviting him to touch the many rows of feathers. His right hand slides down the length of a secondary covert feather and he massages it slightly between his fingers before flitting across the tips and drawing back into my waist where he slides his hand up to cup my breast. His other hand eases down the length of my stomach, pausing lightly at the SEAR to investigate, then unbuttons my pants and slips inside.
My eyes close and I let my whole body sink back against him. I've never experienced such a slow pleasure with a man in my life.
I turn to face him, thrusting my lower body into his. He grabs my wrists and pushes them up above my head, clasping them together and holding me against the cool glass with one hand as the other tickles the small of my back.
He doesn't stop when I look up at him, but instead presses his lips near my cheek once more, allowing his breath to trickle into my ear. The combination of all these new sensations is almost too much. "Oh shit, Kush." I release my passion out in a hoarse whisper.
"What?" He breathes it back into me, then pulls away slightly and lowers his chin.
"I'm going to regret this in the morning."
"No, Junco." He exhales. "You won't. I'm going to make sure of it."
I look up into his eyes and they glow a lovely pale blue, so gentle, and so soft. He meets my gaze and then his mouth finds mine
, his tongue inside twirling and probing me, until I give in completely.
Later, I'm puffing one of Kush's cigars and watching what's left of the partiers out in the arena as I recycle back my conversation with Tier.
Kush approaches and leans into my back. He stretches his arms past either side of my shoulders, pressing on the glass, pushing us towards the window. He kisses me and whispers down across my cheek, "You gonna tell me the plan, Junco? Or you just gonna go in there and do it all on your own?"
I grunt as I try to ignore how the air traveling into my ear makes me feel. My words come out just as gentle as his. "What plan is that, Kush?"
He pulls back and then turns to lean his back against the window so he can see my face. "The one that involves winning the fight and saving your boyfriend."
I let out a little laugh with my smoke ring and shake my head with a sigh. "Believe me, I'm not really planning on winning. Killing the person I love is not my kind of prize." He just looks at me and I try to ignore his blue eyes as they start to light up a little, but I can't. "What?"
"Then what the fuck are you doing, Junco? What's your plan?"
I puff again, then blow more rings as I ponder this line of thinking myself. In the end I shrug. "I don't know, Kush. We'll have to wait and see what happens."
We stand there for a little longer, looking out at the arena, probably both of us wondering what tomorrow night will bring. And then he pulls me back to bed and we fall asleep.
Chapter Forty-Two
When I wake up I am alone in bed, but my room is filled with people. Ashur, Isten, Arel, Rikan, Mish, Ryse, Lucan, Rache, and Monk. They are not paying much attention to me, instead they are all talking at once in several smaller groups. I screw up my face as I try to figure out what's going on, then remember Kush. My eyes dart over to the connecting door and I feel a little relief when I see it's closed.
When I look back, Ashur is watching me. It's only then that I realize I'm naked under the covers and yesterday's uniform is strewn about the floor near the window.
Fuck it.
I throw back the covers and stand up, then walk towards the shower, my wingtips brushing lightly across my butt as I glide. The entire room goes silent and every head turns in my direction. My eyes never leave Ashur's face. I shrug as I pass him and close the bathroom door behind me. Lucan's voice comes in clear from the other side. "Out, everyone out."
The hypnotic pulse of the shower jets gives me time to think about what's coming and that's not good, so I finish quickly, then dress in my uniform and take a seat at the table to lace up my boots. I don't know what other people will be wearing for the battle, probably not their uniform. But that's what I'm wearing.
The connecting door chimes. "Enter," I call.
Kush comes in and laughs at me. "Shit, were you having a party over here or what?"
"Kush, I don't invite them over, they just show up."
He sits down with me at the table. "I get it, Junco. If I was on your team, I'd barge in any chance I got too."
I finish with my boot lacing and look up to give him my attention. "No regrets, Kush." I smile and he nods his head.
"No regrets, Junco."
"I have a pre-fight interview with Kadian, you got any interviews?"
"Yeah, I think I talk to him right before you."
I nod. "Good then, I'll see you after that, huh? I gotta go find Ashur or Lucan or someone to get myself back on track. You're really distracting me." I smile, and probably blush too, because my face suddenly feels hot as I think about our night together.
He lets out a little laugh. "See ya after." Then he goes back to his room.
I'm slipping my com into my thigh pocket when the main door chimes. "Enter."
The door slides open and Esta stands at the threshold. "Can I come in?" She's wearing her demure Cluster mother clothes and I absently shudder at the thought of that get-up being my uniform.
My mouth twists a little at her. "I said enter, Esta. Of course you can come in."
She takes a few hesitant steps into my room and then bows her head. "I'm so sorry, Junco. I know you were counting on me and I completely let you down. My personal issues got in the way and–"
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
She looks back up at me and swallows. "Isec. He didn't make it and I'm sorry, I should have listened to you. He didn't need to die in the last battle, he was so close."
I just stare at her for a few seconds, trying to put this all together. "It wasn't your fault, Esta, he was never going to make it."
She nods. "I know that, but he might have if I'd helped you train him better. He was so close."
I walk over to her. "Do you know what we do in the Seventh Battle?"
She doesn't even look up, just shakes her head no.
"Well, I won't spill it, since it's obviously a secret, but you had nothing, and I do mean nothing, Esta, to do with Isec's death. So just let it go."
She stays silent and I wave my hand over towards the table. "Take a seat if you want."
She flicks her long black hair behind one ear as she sits, and then lets out a sharp sigh as I join her and strike up a cigar. I offer her one and to my surprise, she takes it. We puff for a few minutes. "Did you ever ask Lucan if you could change jobs?"
"No," she says, shaking her head. "He would never listen to me."
"Esta, that makes no sense, you're one of the pure Seven, you have so much power it's sick."
"They don't really like me, Junco. They avoid me, stick me in with the children and try to forget I'm even here. I never wanted that job. Back on Earth I was training to be a historian, I went to school and was about to pass my qualifiers for apprenticeship. They took it all away when I came here. And now I have to sneak around, looking for information in their sphere–"
"They have a sphere here?" She tilts her head at me, like she's trying to figure out if I'm joking. I shrug. "I didn't know. No one told me."
"Anyway, I like history, Junco. I can't help it. And being immersed in all this new culture but not being allowed to learn about it. Well, it drives me crazy. It's like they want me here, but they don't want me to know too much about them. So I cheat. I sneak information. It's absurd."
"Oh," I manage to say after a few seconds of pause. "I had no idea."
"No, why would you, they've done nothing but try and keep us apart since you got here. I was lucky Lucan was so mad that day I found you in the conference room, otherwise he'd never have let me talk to you."
"Do you hate it here, Esta? Would you rather be on Earth?"
She pauses for a moment. "No."
"But?"
"But I have no say in anything, they just make all these decisions about me and that's the end of it. I have no say. I might as well be back in the Utopia, at least there they made me do something that I actually enjoyed, even if it was all bullshit brainwashing."
Wow, Esta and I have something in common. "So, if you could choose, you'd choose what, then?"
She thinks about it for a moment, her eyes looking out towards the preparations in the arena beyond the windows. "I just want to learn things, continue my life the way it was going on Earth. I just want to be allowed to read the avian books and stuff, I'm not asking that much." She looks up, her posture in a desperate plea for me to believe it's a small request. I do agree, the girl wants to read and study for fuck's sake. How hard could it be to let her do that?
She takes a deep breath and continues, "If I had a choice, I'd join Sefer Cluster. The scribes who study and preserve the mythology."
I laugh. "Really? Shit, I can't stand those stories myself. I'm so tired of all that bullshit."
She laughs with me. "We are so different." And then she stares into my face, seeing me. "I don't feel important, I feel like all they care about is you."
"Esta, I'm not even the one who can save them, you are! If I bring back the others, then it's all about you guys. I'll be a distant memory." Shit, why am I even having this conversation, t
here's not going to be any trip to Earth. I stand up and wait for her to stand as well. "I really wish I could stay and talk more, but I need to go find Ashur or Lucan. I'll put in a word for you, OK?"
She nods, her head still bowed. "Thanks for talking to me, Junco. I know it must be difficult after Isec's death to even look at me–"
I put my hand up to stop her. "Esta, I killed him, not you. Me. I cut off his head in the Seventh Battle – so stop, OK? It had nothing to do with you."
She looks into my eyes for truth and I look into hers for judgment. And then we both look away.
"OK," she says. "I know whatever happened, it must have been hard. It's hard, Junco. To live by their customs and rules when so much of it goes against our human nature. And even though I'm not technically human, you don't spend your whole life in a culture and not become one of them."
I nod and walk out in the hallway with her. Hard? That word doesn't even come close. Underneath I twist her words to fit my own life. I spent my whole life immersed in a culture that embraced me as a killer. And she's right. I'm one of them, now and forever.
I get in line for food in the cafeteria and take a look around as it moves forward slowly. Kush is on the far left side eating near some people I don't know. Sometimes I forget that he's from here and has a past complete with friends and history.
The 039 is on the far right with the 399. They take up three tables between them. I get to the food and start choosing things I've had before. I fill up a good portion of the tray and then thumb the biometrics at the end to charge it to whoever pay the bills for me when I do that.
After paying I stand there as people push past me for a minute. Both Kush and Ashur are looking at me, waiting to see where I sit. It feels like cadet school. I choose my team, obviously, then walk towards the guys and slip in next to Monk on the bench to create a buffer between myself and the 039.
"Junco, hey, uh, sorry we all barged in on you this morning." Monk shrugs. "We'll know better next time." He smiles and elbows me in the ribs.