by Terra Wolf
“That’s surprising,” I said. “I figured you would be dating at least.”
“I do,” she nodded. “A little.”
“Nothing serious?” I asked.
“Not since you,” Julia admitted. Good, I thought. My bear growled in agreement. I didn’t think I could take it if she’d found someone new. She stared down at the scone in her hand and we fell into an awkward silence. A stray curl fell into her face and I had to fight the urge to brush it aside. She was still so damn beautiful.
“What else has been going on?” I pressed. “Any new friends in the city?”
“Just my assistant, Jordan,” Julia said. “He’s my best friend.”
“You have an assistant,” I laughed. “Fancy pants.”
“It’s not as exciting as it sounds,” Julia promised. “He’s more like an annoying little brother than anything. He’s part owl.”
“Those guys are a hoot.” I chuckled.
“He really is,” Julia nodded. “As cliché as it sounds, I’m really happy. I love my life.”
“That’s wonderful, Julia.” I was smiling like an idiot, but I couldn’t help it. Just sitting with her made me feel at ease. I could feel the tension leave my shoulders for the first time in months. My bear relaxed, just happy to be so close to her. I could have sat there with her all day and never once been bored.
“Your turn,” Julia said suddenly. I took a sip of my coffee and hesitated. There were so many things I wanted her to know, but even more that I didn’t. She was finally speaking to me. We were catching up. She seemed to hate me less. I didn’t want to ruin that by revealing my shortcomings.
Fourteen
Kellan
“There’s not much to tell,” I said with a shrug. “I’ve been working. I retired a few months ago.”
“You did?” Julia asked. She raised her eyebrows in surprise. “Why?”
My bear perked up, he didn’t want me to tell her either.
“There was a mission,” I began slowly. “Some things happened that shouldn’t have and my team was pretty messed up about it. We tried to stick it out, but in the end, we just weren’t the same men anymore. I was discharged honorably four months ago.”
“How was it?” Julia asked. “Before that? I mean, you spent your entire life waiting to be an Alpha. What was it like?”
“It was…” I searched for the right words. “Complicated, I guess. Complicated is the best way to describe it.”
“Tell me about it,” Julia pressed. “Please.”
“There are things I can’t really talk about,” I told her softly. “It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just…”
“You’re still dealing with it all,” she said with a nod. “I understand.”
“Yeah,” I said. “Thank you. It’s not easy. Coming back here and trying to adjust to civilian life. It was only five years, but after all the missions and training, I’m not the same person. I left a lot of myself behind when I left for Coronado and a lot more behind when I left the Alpha Squad. I’m just trying to figure out where my place is now.”
“That makes sense,” Julia said with sympathy. “It seems like you’re doing really well though.”
“I’m trying,” I admitted. “I’m really trying. Sometimes, it’s still hard to overcome the darkness, but it’ll get easier.”
“It will,” Julia assured me. “I can’t possibly understand everything you went through, but I do know a little bit about who you are. I know you’re strong enough to find your way back. However long it takes.”
“In the beginning, it was perfect,” I told her. “It was everything I always thought it would be. I fell into a rhythm with my team almost immediately. We were seamless. Didn’t matter that we were different species, every mission we went on was a success. Even the ones that weren’t, we still all made it out in one piece. Things only went south at the very end. I loved it until then. That last mission… I don’t know if I’ll ever get past it.”
Julia reached over and took my hand. I could tell it was an instinct, something she did without thinking. When she realized what she’d done, she cleared her throat and tried to pull her hand away. I held onto it tightly.
“Julia,” I began. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?” she asked.
“The way I left,” I said quickly. “I never took the time to realize how that made you feel. I was just so excited to finally be an Alpha that it made me selfish. I just assumed you would understand and that was wrong of me. I thought you knew how I felt about you, but I was wrong. I never meant for that to be the end for us. I should have told you that back then. I’m so sorry I didn’t.”
“It’s okay,” Julia said weakly. “You don’t have to apologize. It’s been so long. It’s all in the past.”
“That doesn’t matter,” I said, gripping her hand even tighter. “I need you to know how sorry I am for hurting you. I shouldn’t have left without making absolutely sure you knew how I felt. I fucked up.”
“We all do that,” Julia mumbled with a shrug. “I shouldn’t have gone off on you like I did yesterday. You didn’t deserve that.”
“I did,” I said with self-deprecating laugh. “If you ask your sister, I deserve a lot worse.”
“Lacey?” Julia frowned. “What did she say to you?”
“She told me I broke your heart,” I said.
Julia rolled her eyes and ducked her head down in embarrassment. I saw her cheeks flush red and I wanted to trace my fingers down them. I wanted to feel the heat beneath my fingers and press my lips against hers.
“She shouldn’t have said anything,” Julia said finally. She pulled her hand out of mine and tucked her hair behind her ears. “I’ve just been through a lot since you left. A lot has changed…”
Julia trailed off, glancing into the distance. At first, I thought she was angry again, but when I saw the tears glistening in her eyes I knew she was reliving something really painful.
“What happened?” I asked gently. “I want to know, Julia. I really do.”
“I know you do,” Julia smiled. “But I’m not sure I’m ready to tell you yet.”
“That’s okay,” I nodded. “I’m just happy you’re talking to me again. I really wasn’t sure if you ever would.”
“I shouldn’t have ignored your phone calls.” Julia said suddenly. “Or your letters. That was wrong of me.”
“I understand,” I shrugged. “You needed time.”
“I did,” Julia nodded. “But I think I was just trying to punish you for leaving. Lacey shouldn’t have said anything, but she was right. When you left it tore my world apart, Kellan. I’m not proud of that, but it’s the truth. I was a wreck.”
“So was I,” I breathed.
“Oh please,” Julia scoffed. “You were running off to chase your lifelong dream.”
“That doesn’t mean I didn’t miss you. I thought you were going to be my mate Jules.”
At my words, Julia looked away and took a bite of her scone. She licked the icing off her fingers and my stomach tightened. I had missed her. More than even I realized. Sitting beside her solidified everything I felt all those years ago. My heart ached for her. My body longed to touch hers. Nothing had changed between us. Our connection was still just as strong as ever. It took every ounce of strength I possessed not to kiss her right then.
I slid closer to her on the bench, slowly reaching for her hand again, but she pulled it away quickly.
“Kellan,” she said sadly. “Don’t. It’s too soon.”
“I’m sorry,” I said quickly. I moved away from her again and breathed deeply. I didn’t want to push her away again. I just wanted to spend as much time with her as possible before she left town.
“It’s not because I don’t want to,” Julia assured me. “It’s just… so much has happened and…”
“And I messed up,” I nodded. “I know.”
Julia took another bite of her scone and looked away. It felt like she was hiding something from me, but I
didn’t push. She would tell me when she was ready.
We sat in silence for a few more minutes, neither of us wanting to break the familiar comfort we had sunk into. I drank my coffee until it was gone and Julia finished her second scone. The sun was high in the sky by the time we spoke again.
“I should probably get back,” Julia said, standing up. “My parents will wonder where I am.”
“How long are you in town? Can I take you to dinner?” I blurted out. “I owe you that much, at least.” My bear rumbled in agreement.
Julia smiled and shuffled her feet. She played with a loose curl. She looked more uncomfortable that I’d ever seen her, but the smile never left her lips.
“Sure,” she said hesitantly. “Dinner. That’s fine. I’m here for the rest of the week.”
“Tonight?” I asked.
“Okay,” Julia nodded.
She turned and walked through the square. I watched her sashaying hips until she disappeared.
Fifteen
Julia
“Will you please stop looking at me like that?” I snapped. After enduring Lacey’s judgmental glare for nearly twenty minutes I was ready to be rid of her for the night.
“Like what?” Lacey asked. Fake innocence dripped from her lips.
“Like I just killed your puppy,” I said with a glare of my own.
“I just don’t understand why you’re doing this,” Lacey said with a shake of her head.
“Well, you don’t have to,” I said.
“Julia…” Lacey began. She slowly got off the bed and walked over to me. I stood in front of the vanity mirror, teasing my curls and adding finishing touches to my makeup. Lacey stood behind me and watched me work. She didn’t speak. I pretended like I didn’t see her standing there until it became too much to stand.
“What?” I snapped, finally turning around to face her. My stance must have been a defensive one because Lacey immediately took two steps backward.
“Retract the claws, okay?” Lacey said. She held her hands up in a surrendering gesture. “I just want to make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into.”
“I’m not getting myself into anything,” I argued. “It’s dinner. With an old friend.”
“He’s not just an old friend,” Lacey said. “And you know that.”
“Of course, I know that,” I told her. For the first time all evening, I let my confidence slip away. My head sagged and I stared at my feet which were crammed into high heels a size too small. I hated how easily it was for me to become emotional. In New York, I was strong. I didn’t allow any weakness to seep through. In Mountain Creek, though? It was like everyone and everything could see straight down to my raw, vulnerable soul. I was exposed and no one knew that better than my sister.
“Talk to me,” Lacey said softly.
“These shoes are too small,” I complained.
“Yeah, well, they’re all I have,” Lacey shrugged. “Maybe you should have brought your own if you intended to date while you’re in town. Seriously, Julia…”
“Don’t,” I told her. My head popped back up and my eyes narrowed warningly. “Lacey, it’s not your life. It’s not your business.”
“The hell it’s not!” Lacey’s face turned red in a flash. “Who took care of you when he bailed? Who was there, in the hospital, the day…”
I shot Lacey a look that was more than a warning. She was treading on extremely dangerous ground and she knew it. Her mouth shut and her face softened slightly. Of all the things I knew about my sister, her protective instinct was the most prominent. When she felt I was heading down the wrong path, she couldn’t help but voice her opinions. Even when they were the last thing I needed or wanted to hear.
“I know you’re worried, okay?” I told her. I tried to keep my voice even and calm, but it was trembling with annoyance. Gently, I reach my hand out and took hers. I squeezed it and said, “I understand. And you know how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for me over the years. You, more than anyone, have stood by me and I love you for it. I really do, Lace. I can’t explain to you how I’m feeling right now. Everything with Kellan feels so uncertain and unfinished. Despite everything, I don’t think I ever truly got closure from him. I need to go tonight, okay? And right now, you need to back off. Please.”
Lacey opened her mouth to argue, but she closed it almost as fast. With a sigh, she took a step forward and engulfed me in a bone crushing hug. She held me so tightly I thought I was going to suffocate, but I didn’t pull away. I stepped closer and wrapped my arms around her waist. I let her hold me as she silently told me I was stronger than I had ever been before. As my big sister, Lacey had seen me at my lowest points in life. She, more than anyone, knew the progress I had made over those last five years. Deep down, I knew her worry stemmed from her desire to keep me on my chosen path. She didn’t want anything derailing the life I had created for myself. Especially not Kellan.
“It’s okay to be scared,” she whispered in my ear.
I wouldn’t admit it, but Lacey was right. I was terrified of what my dinner with Kellan might mean. Our talk in town went well. Better than I ever imagined. But, that still didn’t change our history. There was so much between Kellan and me, so much pain and heartache. I knew one dinner could never erase all that, but a part of me hoped it might be a start. At least, a step in the right direction.
“Are you going to tell him?” Lacey asked. Her voice was low, soft. I knew she was trying not to upset me again.
I sighed and pulled away from her. I sunk onto the bed and adjusted the heels on my feet into a more comfortable position. Lacey waited patiently for my answer, but we both knew I didn’t have one.
“Maybe he should know,” Lacey said. “Lillian isn’t a baby anymo…”
“I know,” I said quickly. I didn’t know if I could handle talking about Lillian right then. “And honestly, I don’t know what I will or won’t tell him. I don’t think I’ll know until I’m there.”
“That’s fair,” Lacey nodded. “And it’s ultimately your decision, but be careful. Once you tell him, you can never take it back. He’ll know. Forever.”
I nodded and gave her another quick hug before grabbing my purse. I hurried from the door without a backward glance. Lacey’s words still ringing in my ears.
Sixteen
Julia
Martello’s was a small, hole in the wall, Italian restaurant on the edge of Mountain Creek. Anthony Martello and his wife, Elena, moved to Mountain Creek when their youngest child got married almost forty years ago. They were beaver shifters, always bustling around and making the place warm and inviting. It was their wish to open an Italian bistro in a small town somewhere.
I always loved Martello’s. Anytime there was a special occasion or celebration my parents would bring Lacey and me. They let us order whatever we wanted, including a plate of cannolis for dessert.
The restaurant hadn’t been the same since Elena died. When she passed, the whole town went into mourning right alongside Martello. He shut down the restaurant for six months. When he opened again, he acted as if nothing happened. He went back to work doing what he loved. He would greet everyone just as he did before his wife’s death. The only difference was the small photograph of Elena that now stood in the middle of the entryway.
When I walked inside that night, my eyes fell on Elena’s picture immediately. Tears filled my eyes without my consent. I hadn’t realized how much I missed Martello’s until that night.
Kellan was sitting in the back corner of the restaurant at a table for two. I saw him before he saw me, which gave me the chance to watch him for a few seconds unnoticed. He was staring down at the menu in his hands with a concentrated frown on his face. There were two glasses of water on the table and two empty wine glasses. The scene definitely had the makings of a proper date. The thought made my stomach flip.
As I watched him, Kellan flipped the menu over and examined the back. I knew he was just making himself busy. We’d both been
here so many times that reading the menu was no longer a necessity. Still, he stared intently, with no idea that I was right there watching him. His dark eyes were narrowed slightly, but even from where I stood I could see them sparkle. God. Why did he have to be so handsome? It would have been easier if my attraction to him had faded, but it was stronger than ever.
When I finally got up the nerve to walk over to him, my palms began to sweat. The closer I got, the better he looked. His shirt was tight against his chest and I could see the outline of every muscle. My head was spinning. I wanted to run my fingers over those muscles and watch as he…
“Hey,” Kellan said as I approached the table. “There you are.”
“Here I am,” I said with an awkward little nod. “Have you been waiting long?”
“No,” Kellan shook his head. “Not really.”
“Good.” I smiled and sat down.
Kellan handed me a menu and cleared his throat. I waited for him to speak, but he didn’t. Instead, his eyes once again focused on his own menu. Now that I was closer, I could see that he hadn’t shaved in a couple days. His stubble was just beginning to grow past the five o’clock shadow length. It gave him an edgy quality. Like his bear was coming through a bit. I couldn’t help but think how sexy it made him look.
He glanced up and caught me staring at him. I looked down quickly, letting my nerves get the better of me, before I remembered my age and laughed. I looked back up apologetically and set my menu down on the table.
“This is ridiculous,” I said boldly. “I don’t know why I’m so nervous.”
“It’s okay,” he said. “I am, too.”
“But we shouldn’t be,” I argued. “We’ve done this a thousand times before. You know me, and I know you. There’s no reason this should be so awkward.”
“Isn’t it always awkward with exes?” Kellan asked.
“Does it have to be?” I countered. Kellan looked at me for a second before he chuckled and leaned back in his chair.