The Forgotten Recipe

by Amy Clipston

  “Your dat is so schmaert. I could learn a lot from him.”

  “I can tell he likes you.” Veronica smiled. “I think he wishes he’d had a son, too, so he enjoys when young men show an interest in his work.”

  Jason nodded. “I can see that. Veronica, I have to tell you something.” He paused, and she felt anticipation rushing through her. “I’m falling in love with you.” His voice was hoarse, and his expression was wistful.

  Her mouth dried.

  “I know it’s too soon, but I have to tell you how I feel. I can’t keep it inside any longer.” Jason’s eyes were intense. “I think about you all the time. You’re my first thought in the morning and my last thought as I fall asleep at night. I’m crazy about you.”

  He paused as if awaiting her response, but she felt as if her shoes were fused to the ground. A lump choked her throat, her tongue wouldn’t budge, and she lost her ability to speak.

  “I made you something,” Jason continued while reaching into the back of his buggy. “I brought home some scrap lumber, and I made you this.” He lifted a small shelf that was stained a light brown. Four hooks were attached to the bottom. “I thought you could hang this in the kitchen. The hooks are for you to hang your favorite cooking tools, like your spatulas or measuring spoons.”

  Jason handed the shelf to Veronica, and she absently ran her fingers over the smooth wood and hooks.

  He loves me.

  The words repeated in her mind as she continued to inspect his gift.

  “Do you like it?” he asked.

  “Ya.” She smiled at him, her eyes misting with tears. “It’s perfect. It’s schee.” You love me! You love me!

  “I wanted to give you something special,” Jason continued. “Something I made for you, and something you could use every day and think of me. I hope you like it.” His brown eyes pleaded with her, nearly begging for her approval.

  “I know just where I’m going to hang it. Danki, Jason. It’s wunderbaar.” She held the shelf to her chest. She wanted to tell him that she loved him, too, but she couldn’t bring herself to form the words. Something intangible was holding her back, strangling the words in her throat.

  “It’s getting late. I better go home.”

  “I’m so glad you came over today.”

  “I am too.” Jason touched her shoulder.

  Veronica’s body trembled as he leaned toward her. She closed her eyes, trying to stop herself from quaking as he moved closer. She could feel his breath on her face, and she was positive he was going to kiss her. She wanted him to kiss her, but it didn’t feel like the right time. Was he moving too fast? Suddenly his lips brushed over her cheek, as faint as a whisper on the wind.

  “Gut nacht,” he whispered before climbing into the buggy.

  “Gut nacht,” she breathed, her body still vibrating from the feel of his tender kiss and the news that he loved her.

  Veronica stood mesmerized as his buggy moved down the driveway. Then, as she made her way into the house, emotions swirled inside her. She found her mother sitting in the family room, reading her Bible by the light of a propane lamp.

  “Mamm,” Veronica said, her voice thick. “He told me he loves me.” She lowered herself into the chair beside her mother. “He loves me, Mamm. He loves me.” Her eyes clouded with tears.

  “Oh, Veronica.” Mamm placed the Bible on the table beside her. “That’s wunderbaar.”

  “I didn’t know what to say.” Tears streamed down Veronica’s cheeks. “I was so stunned that I couldn’t speak. I had thought he might feel that way, but I never thought I’d hear him say it so soon.”

  “How do you feel about it?” Mamm asked.

  Veronica breathed a deep sigh. “I’m froh, I’m overwhelmed, and I’m scared. It’s just so soon.” She examined the shelf in her lap. “He made me this beautiful shelf to use in the kitchen. He said I should hang my favorite cooking utensils on it.” She held up the shelf, and Mamm smiled.

  “That’s so schee. What did you say?”

  “I thanked him.” Veronica’s bottom lip quivered. “Mamm, I’m terrified. I’m positive that I love him, too, but I couldn’t say the words out loud.” She paused as fear gripped her. “I’m afraid of losing him like I lost Seth,” she whispered.

  “Oh, Veronica.” Mamm took her hand in hers. “Don’t let that fear paralyze you. If this feels right, then follow your instinct. Don’t let yourself be too afraid to fall in love. You lost Seth, and it shattered you. Now it’s time for you to start over. This is a new relationship and a new chance at love. Embrace it and enjoy it.”

  Veronica stood and wiped her eyes. “Danki, Mamm. I know you’re right. I’m going to go to bed.”

  “Gut nacht,” Mamm said. “Sleep well.”

  “You too.” As Veronica walked past the front door, she heard muffled voices and hoped her sister was having a good visit with David.

  She went into the kitchen and placed the shelf on the counter. She ran her fingers over it and recalled the electricity in Jason’s eyes when he told her he loved her. She closed her eyes and held her breath while she concentrated on her feelings.

  Jason loved her.

  Veronica loved him.

  Jason was the answer to the fervent prayer her family had sent up to God. Jason was her future, and she was ready to embrace him. She was ready to tell him she loved him too.

  CHAPTER 17

  JASON ROLLED ONTO HIS SIDE IN BED AND LOOKED AT THE open window where a faint breeze brought a tiny, teasing hint of cool air into his hot, stuffy bedroom. He’d tried counting sheep and praying. He also tried to turn off his thoughts, but he couldn’t fall asleep.

  When Jason closed his eyes, he only saw Veronica’s beautiful face with her eyes wide after he’d told her he loved her. He saw the awe in her expression when he gave her the shelf. Did she love him, too, or had he pushed too far too soon yet again?

  Now there was no going back. He’d opened his heart and let her in. Yet he still had one problem—he hadn’t told her the truth about Seth. The guilt was suffocating him, tearing at his soul and keeping him awake. He had to tell her. But how?

  He suddenly missed Seth more than ever. He and Seth used to enjoy long talks at work. They discussed everything from building techniques to their hopes and dreams. Right now Jason longed to be able to talk to his best friend and share his confusing feelings for Veronica.

  Jason covered his face with his hands as he realized the irony in that thought. How could he have ever shared his feelings for Veronica when she was supposed to have married Seth?

  Jason needed someone to talk to right now. He needed Stephen’s advice. His younger brother always seemed to know what to do in difficult situations, and he knew for sure that Stephen would be honest with him.

  He popped out of bed and padded down the hallway, his bare feet slapping against the hardwood floor. He gingerly turned the knob on Stephen’s door and then pushed it open, the door moaning in protest. His eyes adjusted to the dark, and he spotted his brother lying on his back, a soft snore growling from his throat.

  “Stephen,” Jason hissed. “Stephen!”

  Stephen snorted loudly and sat up. “Huh?”

  “Stephen,” Jason said again, stepping softly into the room and closing the door behind him. “Are you awake?”

  Stephen rubbed his eyes and yawned. “I am now. What do you want?”

  “I need to talk.” Jason pulled a chair over to the side of the bed.

  With a groan, Stephen flopped onto his side, burying his face in his soft pillow. He raised his head again, and the bright green numbers on his battery-operated digital clock reflected against his face. “Can’t this wait until tomorrow? It’s nearly two o’clock in the morning.”

  “No, I need to talk to you now. It’s about Veronica.”

  Stephen groaned again. “What now?”

  “I need your advice. You know I went to church at her parents’ haus today.” He recounted how he’d spent the day with her family, took he
r for a walk around the pasture, gave her the shelf, and told her he loved her.

  “So you love her,” Stephen said through a yawn. “I’m froh for you. Now may I please go back to sleep?”

  “That’s not all,” Jason said, and his brother blew out another frustrated moan. “Please, Stephen, just listen. The problem is that I haven’t told her how I found her. I haven’t told her I knew Seth. Really, the truth is that Seth was my best friend.”

  Stephen sat up straight in the bed and flipped on the Coleman lantern on his nightstand. His face was ghostly pale in the sudden light. “Wait a minute,” he said in clear, alert tones. “Let me get this straight. You’ve been seeing Veronica for a couple of weeks now, right?”

  Jason nodded. “That’s right.”

  “You’ve told her you love her, but you haven’t told her you knew Seth?”

  Jason nodded again.

  Stephen glowered. “Why haven’t you told her?”

  “I’m afraid of losing her.”

  Stephen ran his hand down his face with irritation. “Jay, you do realize this will change everything. She’s going to think you’re a liar because, essentially, you’ve been lying to her since the first time you met her. You acted as if you’d never seen her before you went to her bake stand, and you’ve kept acting like that was the first time you ever saw her. You can’t base a successful relationship on lies.”

  Jason’s throat dried as renewed apprehension took hold of him.

  “You know I’m right, Jay. You have to tell her, and you need to tell her as soon as possible.”

  Jason nodded and shoved his hands through his hair. “This is going to crush her faith in me.”

  “You knew that all along,” Stephen insisted. “I told you from the beginning to be honest with her.”

  “Ya, I know.” Jason shook his head. “Now I have to face the consequences.”

  “Right.” Stephen yawned again. “We’ll talk more tomorrow. Go to bed.”

  “All right.” Jason stood and pushed the chair back to the wall. “Danki. Gut nacht.”

  “You mean gude mariye.” Stephen flipped off the lantern. “Go to sleep.”

  Jason pushed the door open and stepped into the hallway.

  “Jay,” Stephen called to him.

  “Ya?” Jason stuck his head into the doorway.

  “It will be okay. Just be honest with her and have faith that she’ll understand. Keep reminding her that you love her.”

  “Right.” Jason rested his hand on the doorframe. “Thanks, Stephen.” He softly closed the door and then shuffled back to his room. When he flopped down on his bed, he didn’t feel much better, but he knew what he had to do. It was time to stop procrastinating and face the truth. He had to do it if he truly wanted to have a future with Veronica.

  THE FOLLOWING MORNING JASON STOOD IN THE MIDDLE OF the shop with his fingers gripping a cold bottle of water and watching Stephen help another worker build floor joists for a large shed. He’d slept barely an hour last night, and the weight of his guilt, worry, and exhaustion made his legs feel like blocks of lead. His brother’s advice and his fear of losing Veronica kept his mind and stomach churning throughout the night.

  “Jason?” Dat came up behind him. He was holding a clipboard, and a look of concern clouded his face. “Are you ill?”

  “I didn’t sleep last night.” Jason cupped his hand to his mouth to stifle a yawn.

  “Why?” Dat asked.

  Jason gave his father a brief overview of his concerns, and his father scowled while he listened. “I can’t concentrate on anything. I need to take care of this.”

  Dat hugged the clipboard to his wide chest. “You’ve made yourself ill over this, haven’t you?”

  Jason nodded as another yawn gripped him.

  “This maedel means a lot you.”

  “More than I can express in words.”

  Dat paused for a moment. He lowered the clipboard and then released a long breath through his nose. “I don’t think you’re well enough to operate the tools,” he finally said.

  “What do you mean?” Jason asked.

  “Accidents happen when employees aren’t at their best physically or emotionally.” Dat’s eyes studied him as if trying to convey something other than the words he was speaking. “I think you need to go home and rest.” He enunciated the words, as if speaking in code.

  “You think I should go,” Jason repeated the words.

  “Ya.” Dat pointed the clipboard toward the door. “Go now before I change my mind.”

  “Danki!” Jason rushed to the front of the shop and breathed a sigh of relief when he spotted one of the shop’s drivers in the office. “Joe,” he called. “Would you please take me to Bird-in-Hand?”

  “Sure thing, Jason,” Joe said. “Hop in the Tahoe.”

  VERONICA HUMMED TO HERSELF AS SHE HUNG A PAIR OF HER father’s trousers on the line that ran from the back porch to the barn. After spending all morning washing clothes in the wringer washer, she breathed in the fresh air and smiled. With the humidity almost gone, it was starting to feel like fall. She loved the fall, especially seeing the leaves change color. She looked forward to wearing a sweater and lighting a fire in the old stove in the kitchen.

  As she hung a second pair of her father’s trousers on the line, she heard the hum of an engine moving up the rock driveway. Veronica descended the porch steps and stood in the driveway, where she spotted an unfamiliar large, black SUV approaching the back of the house. She tented her hand over her eyes and tried to focus on the driver and passenger, but she couldn’t see anything through the fancy tinted windows.

  The truck came to a stop, and a few moments later a man climbed from the passenger seat. He leaned into the truck and said something to the driver before slamming the door and walking toward the house. The truck then slowly backed out of the driveway.

  As the man in the straw hat came into view, Veronica realized it was Jason. She rushed to meet him.

  “Jason!” she called. “What a surprise.” Her smile dissolved into a frown when she noticed the dark circles under his dull eyes. “Jason? Was iss letz?”

  “We need to talk.” His voice was flat. “Alone.”

  Worry coiled her in stomach, and her hands trembled.

  “Come in.” She led him inside, and Jason lingered by the back door. He hung his hat on a peg on the wall.

  When Veronica stepped into the kitchen, Jason followed her. Emily was washing the breakfast dishes.

  “Hi, Jason.” Emily smiled, but then looked confused when she saw his face.

  “Emily, would you please finish hanging out the laundry for me?” Veronica asked, giving her sister a pleading expression. “Jason needs to talk to me.”

  “Sure.” Emily dropped the dishcloth, dried her hands, and hurried out the door.

  Emily glanced back at Veronica once, lifting her eyebrows and hands in concern to ask if she was okay. Veronica shrugged, and Emily disappeared through the mudroom.

  “Would you like kaffi?” Veronica asked, setting the percolator on the stove and turning on the burner.

  “Ya,” Jason said, lowering himself into a kitchen chair. “Danki.” Veronica busied herself by pulling out a tin of cookies and two mugs. Jason kept his eyes trained on the tablecloth, and he seemed as if he were waging a silent war inside of himself. In the two months she’d known him, she’d never seen him so distraught, not even when she’d first turned down his offer to date her. What could possibly have upset him so much?

  She sat down across from him, but he didn’t look up.

  “Would you like a kichli?” She pushed the tin closer to him and removed the lid. When he didn’t respond, she placed two in front of him on a napkin. “I made your favorite, peanut butter.”

  His attention moved to the cookies and then back to the tablecloth.

  “Jason, please look at me,” she pleaded softly as her stomach roiled with apprehension. “Please tell me what’s wrong.”

  He kept his eyes focu
sed downward, and her anxiety deepened.

  “You’re scaring me,” she admitted. “I can’t stand this anymore. You look as if your horse dragged you across town. Please tell me what’s wrong.”

  He took a deep, trembling breath and leveled his gaze at her. The anguish in his brown eyes sent worry rippling through her. “I didn’t sleep last night.”

  “Why?” she asked.

  “Something has been bothering me for a long time, and last night I realized I finally have to face it.”

  “Jason, I can’t stand seeing you like this.” Veronica reached across the table for his hand, but he pulled it back. The rejection caused her to wince. What had she done to push him away?

  “I haven’t been completely honest with you.” His voice was thin and shaky. “Do you remember when I came to see you at the bake stand that very first day? My mamm had asked Stephen to find the bake stand and buy some of the raspberry pies she heard about.”

  She nodded. “Ya, I do. You were very quiet. You made me nervous, actually.” She tried to give a little laugh to lighten the mood, but he didn’t crack a smile. Instead, his frown deepened.

  “That wasn’t the first time I’d seen you.”

  Veronica tilted her head. “I don’t understand.”

  “I saw you in April.” Jason absently drew circles on the tablecloth with his finger.

  “You’re not making sense.” She was growing weary of his evasiveness, but she kept her frustration in check. “What do you mean?”

  “I saw you at Seth Lapp’s visitation,” Jason said. “You were sobbing on the porch. Your schweschdere had to hold you up because your legs were giving out beneath you.”

  Veronica vaguely remembered being on the porch at Margaret’s house, but that felt as if it had happened years ago. Her mouth dried. “You were there?”

  “Ya, I was.” He slumped back in the chair.

  “I don’t remember seeing you.” She didn’t remember seeing anyone, except for Seth’s family and Seth’s body. “I thought you didn’t know Seth.”

  “I never said I didn’t know Seth.” His voice was matter-of-fact, but his eyes remained afflicted.

  Icy fear prickled her spine. “Why didn’t you tell me you were there?”