Everything was soon to be uncovered, and I dearly sought the truth.
27
The next night, I visited Land Chrome. It was crowded and so loud that my mind started repeating the beats, and very expensive. I wondered whether all those people there had deep pockets. How many rich people are there in society? My eyes were unable to locate the thick-moustached Gen. I took my mobile phone and dialled his number, but the signal wasn’t strong enough there to carry my call.
Not so far away girls were dancing around posts on a round stage, bra-less, but neither those girls nor all the lesbians kissing in the club moved me a bit. I had a purpose beyond sex now, and nothing would help but satisfying it. Some girls touched and grabbed my ass. I cannot confirm whether it was done intentionally, but I didn’t mind it. Some heels and heavy shoes stepped on my feet as I moved among the crowd, and one drunk girl crashed against my body, spilling the wine in her glass all over me. She grabbed the bottom of my T-shirt and tried to pull it up, asking me to undress. I just pushed her to the floor and walked away. I dialled Gen’s number again, and still the signal was weak. Didn’t those people complain about such bad service in a luxurious bar like that, I wondered.
In one corner of the bar, there was mad chattering that was attracting attention. I walked over there and stole a glimpse at what was going on. To my surprise, all those men and women were gathered around a rectangular table, on top of which a naked muscular man was enjoying himself having sex with a naked blond girl, who was covered in perspiration. I was filled immediately with disgust for those shallow people gathered there to witness one of the bitter shames of life’s mockery. A free live porn for all who would like to watch!
My eyes went to a couple in the front line of the crowd just behind the table, who kept looking at the sex scene and smiling and whispering to each other, with the man’s hand patting and brushing the girl’s hips. Within a minute or so, the girl separated from her partner and walked to the table. She approached the moaning girl on the table and started sucking her wet breasts and hard nipples. In a second the new girl was out her clothes, and, shockingly, the guy had his sex rage on both the half-done girl and the new vigorous girl. The chattering of the crowd grew louder and deeper.
I stood with the crowd of sinners and watched that hard sex performance. Nothing there attracted me to stay, but I stayed because the man I was looking for was in front of me, fully naked, the hero of the scene. Even if the signal was good in the bar that night, how would an involved busy man like him allow his mobile phone to distract him from the ultimate pleasure he was having in public? When you bury your shame so deep in the filth, nothing you do would be perceived so bad. That man, the father of a lovely daughter, allowed himself to be swallowed in dirt, without thinking what damage it might bring to his daughter’s reputation. I believed Li now: her father was a devil, and I believed now that this guy would be capable of doing any wrong towards others, and my parents might not been an exception.
Gen finished with a loud orgasm, while I guess the other two girls might have been done much earlier. He was gasping heavily now. The crowd started applauding, whistling, and chanting encouraging words for the devilish man who had provided them with the stimulating delight of their night. He wiped himself up with the roll of tissues that one of the attendees placed on the table. Then, leaving the heap of tissues behind, Gen put on his underwear, jeans, and T-shirt.
“Your drink is on me,” I said loudly and managed to catch his attention.
He was doing up his belt when he turned. He gave a look of surprise, and the proud smile half faded from his face.
“Where is Li?” Gen asked, his hands slowly finishing the belt.
“Li? Oh, no, she is not here with me.”
His proud smile returned to his face. A drop of perspiration was moving down the left side of his head.
“My drink is on you, you say.”
“Yes.”
He moved towards me and reached out his hand. I hesitated for a while whether to shake his hand, the hand that was used for shit and clearly unwashed. But I did shake hands with him in the end, seeing that as a step to create confidence between us. We sat and I ordered him a drink. The table was round and so very small that I had to sit on one side and pull my legs out from under it, but that positioning didn’t stop his unpleasing body odour from reaching my nose.
“Wine is the water for the soil of the soul,” he giggled with a gasp.
Gen kept drinking and talking rubbish as usual. He even talked about his sex scene in the way one would talk about sport or any casual news—that he couldn’t control himself seeing that young girl, the most beautiful stripper in the bar, and that she got all everything in his pocket to convince her to participate in a public sex scene with him. I let him talk and talk and ordered him glass after glass. After twenty minutes, he was drunk and was murmuring more disconnected rubbish and laughing aloud with a creaky sound that made others around our table laugh. The tough guy who had just showed others his sexual prowess was no more than a silly joke now.
“Did you really know the Arsov family?” I asked, seeing that the time was suitable to bring out his secret.
“Arsov? Ooh, yeah. One more drink,” He reached out his hand.
I ordered him one more glass and took it in my hand.
“Try to answer my question to get this.” I lifted my hand, holding the glass above my head. Like a hungry dog, he stretched his unbalanced hands to catch it.
“Ask me again.” He spoke with a hiccup.
“How did you know of the Arsov family?”
“That damn family… that ruined family…” He took the glass from my hand and took a small sip. A long pause followed, making me think he wouldn’t continue talking.
“Talk,” I said in a hard demanding tone.
“Just wait… trying to re-taste the sweet memory of Huan.” His mouth opened with a smelly smile.
Huan! He had mentioned my mother’s name. Now I had a really bad feeling and could recognize his evil influence on my family. Now I could see the reason behind the strange feeling I had experienced when I first saw his picture in his mother’s home.
“I met that lady in a restaurant, and we talked casually, but she never got over that one meeting. She started coming to the same restaurant again and again to meet me. I am a handsome rich man, you see.” He rubbed his palms on the edge of the table. “I took her from there and shared casual sex with her day after day. I nailed her the way I nailed Li’s mother. You see, girls are whores by nature, and you should be dominating the business.”
My inner self was in turbulence. I wiped my mouth continuously with my shaking hand and tried hard to control that waking vigour that raged within me. I didn’t know my mother well, and I couldn’t say where Gen stood in her life or whether he was the only side partner she had.
“Didn’t you know she was married?” I questioned in an unbalanced tone.
“Married! What girl is not married and seeks fun? But yes, technically, Huan was married, although she denied it initially. Women seek dicks, and the best in town was mine.” He laughed loudly. “I knew later that she was married, but I wasn’t going to stop grapping something so very convenient. My joy in life is sex. Sex gives meaning to manhood. Isn’t that right?”
“What about her children,” I commented.
“She didn’t have any. She said her one child died at birth.”
Died at birth! How cruel but how realistic, if my mother had indeed said it. She considered me dead. Why do such mothers give birth to curses that they themselves curse? People like me are just time bombs whose explosion might bring destruction to others as well. And I was about to explode in Gen’s face with punches loaded with my heavily armed anger and rage. I had unexpectedly found out the murderer of my parents, when all I was seeking was a peaceful death at the end of my due time. Tears rol
led in my eyes for a reason I couldn’t perceive. I hated my mother even more now. I hated my father. I hated most of all that sack of sinful dirt sitting in front of me with his hands smelling of loathsome sperm.
“Will you order me one more glass now?” He opened his mouth and burped.
I put my hand around the glass on the table and held it tight. I felt dizzy, and things were starting to get blurry in my eyes. I didn’t wish to leave him just like that. I wished to make him drink from the glass of agony from which I had been fed for years and years. My hand uncontrollably pressed tighter around the glass, and within a minute a small voice followed. I was alarmed to look at my hand to see it covered in blood and shattered pieces of glass. Nobody seemed to notice. Only the waitress with tightly pushed-up breasts, who approached with another unordered glass of wine, covered her mouth with her free hand and screamed. Different thoughts came into my mind. I was now the centre of attention as a couple of people started asking me whether everything was all right. I was forced to flee the whole scene, but it seemed like a big failure on my part. The thought came to my mind that I might not be able to meet Gen again. What if he died today and I couldn’t avenge myself, I thought. I was allowed to escape. I stood, but felt my feet were failing me. The smile on Gen’s face was because he was drunk, but it disgusted me like nothing else. I dug my way out of the crowd as drops of blood dropped on the floor and stained some of the people when my hand brushed against them. Outside the night club, just after passing the big guard, I stepped to one side and threw up. The guard asked me, frightened, whether something wrong had happened to me. I waved him off.
I couldn’t sleep that night. I could see how bad my mother was for the hideous decision she made to cheat on my father. But nothing mattered now about my parents. I couldn’t question their wrong-doing, I could just hate them and blame them. I would be dying soon, and all the loathing I felt for them would be over. But the annoying thing was to know that the person who directly or indirectly contributed to the ruin of my family was still breathing, eating and drinking, and enjoying life more than many others, despite his knowledge of the tragedy he brought upon my family. My anger was directed towards Gen more than my parents and more than my life that I detested. I felt that I must do something—something really bad.
The idea came to mind of murdering Gen. That would be the only way, I felt, I could feed that rising anger in me. It would be, I believed, the ultimate well-deserved end of a devil who mocked the lives of others and cared about nothing but his own lust. It is true that my mother wasn’t ideal, that she didn’t love me, that she was full of deception, and that she did deserve to die. I cannot deny it. But the fires of hell had not yet consumed the architect of the situation. He was still living, weighing heavily on my chest, wallowing in whatever joy he could attain, while it was I who had suffered the whole of my life, thinking and planning my own death and sipping any tiny portion of happiness that was offered to ease this always-hurting heart of mine. Yes, I thought, I had to put an end to it. The fire that had consumed those two should swallow all involved. Gen and I were the two survivors. My death was waiting down the line, I thought, but it was troubling to look at Gen without being able to read his expiration date.
The next morning I felt sick and lacked energy, but I would allow nothing to stand in the path I had decided to follow. I went outside, and all the smells of food coming from homes and restaurants filled me with nausea. In a nearby supermarket I bought bananas, strawberries, honey, and fresh milk. I went back home, and there was a text message from Li on my mobile phone. She asked about me and whether we could meet in the afternoon. I replied that I had something urgent to handle, without mentioning any details. I knew that she would think about my answer later and question me when we met. I mixed the stuff I bought into the mixer and had my juice. After an hour of reading, I did some exercise. Then I worked on my book, The Way to Suicide.
I was back at Land Chrome the next night. My heart was thumping against my chest. I was going to a murder scene, I thought, completely unprepared for the crime I was going to commit. Once I was inside the club, I checked around and looked for Gen, but there was no sign of him anywhere. I asked some of the people I had seen there the day before, but they denied seeing him that night. I picked up my mobile phone and dialled his number, but the damn signal was yet weak. After half an hour waiting, I went out of the club and dialled his number again, but the phone now seemed to be switched off.
I was very irritated and upset about my bad luck, and I felt totally uncomfortable once I was out on the street. I dialled Li’s number. She answered sweetly, and we agreed to meet although it was almost eleven and she had duty the next day. She was my true shelter and what I asked for.
“You look sick,” she commented, examining my face and touching my forehead.
“Do I?”
“Are you sick?” she asked.
I smiled at her innocence and held her hand. “No, dear, just tired,” I said.
“What was keeping you busy tonight?”
We walked side by side and sat on a bench. The street lamp was above us, and even though its light was weak, it was enough to illuminate Li’s face and bring out, for my pleasure, all her lovely expressions.
“I had to attend a friend of mine who is sick.”
“A friend?” She waited to know the gender.
“A male friend.”
For a moment, I thought how we would be together once we were married. My freedom would be sweetly caged, with the keys around her neck. We sat on the bench for about an hour, and she talked about her working day, her office mates and their internal love affairs, and her manager and his hated bossy attitude. Eventually we separated with a kiss on cheek from my side that didn’t have the capacity to satisfy her and was doubled by a kiss on lips. I managed that night to conceal my bandaged hand from her. I already felt guilty about the lie I had told. I didn’t wish to add more on it.
The following night the murderer inside me was back to Land Chrome. I spotted Gen that night, and my heart beat more heavily. He was sharing a table with an ugly woman whose hair was a mix of red, light brown, and black colours. Her eyebrows were thicker than what is pleasing to see in a woman. I approached the table and greeted Gen. The woman—a cheap prostitute, I guess—looked me over.
“Your son?” she asked Gen.
“No, no,” he laughed. “The boyfriend of my daughter.”
“Lucky her,” she commented, and she walked away from the table as she read Gen’s hand signal to do so.
He asked me to have a seat and shook hands with me.
“How is she?” He asked, waving to a waitress to come.
“Who?” I wondered.
“Sorry, Li, I mean.” He ordered me and himself a drink.
“Best as ever, happy as never,” I replied.
“The girl loves you,” he added.
“She told you that?”
“One can see that clearly.”
The waitress came back with the drinks. Gen paid her and spanked her butt as she walked away, a gesture that brought a slutty noise out of her. I put both my hands on the table and held the glass with them. For a second, I thought of breaking that glass and slashing his throat.
“Have you injured yourself?”
“It is nothing,” I waved my hand. I was waiting for him to say something about the glass I had broken the day before yesterday in his presence, but I could see that Gen was unable to recall anything since he had been under the heavy influence of alcohol.
“You are not participating in any of the acts tonight?” I asked, pointing to the corner where he held his sex scene the last time.
He giggled and crossed his hands behind his head. “Not if I am not provoked to. It requires daring and physical strength, you know.”
And stupidity, I thought. “Where were you yesterday?” I asked.
“Come, let’s go on the roof. The weather is wonderful today.” He spoke as if he hadn’t heard my question.
He stood and swallowed his drink fast, and then he went to the counter and bought a bottle of wine. I followed him as he walked to the back of the bar, where behind a door was hidden a staircase leading up. As we opened the roof door, fresh air brushed our faces.
“Hmm.” Gen murmured and sniffed while closing his eyes. “Everything in life seems wonderful when you rise, even just once, above the animal in you.”
He sat on the slightly rough surface of the roof, and I sat opposite him. He removed the top of the bottle and threw it off the roof.
“I was busy yesterday, son.”
His voice seemed lighter than I had ever heard him talk before. There was no arrogance. He hadn’t forgotten my earlier question; he was just carrying it there with him. But how much I hated him calling me “son”!
“I had to lend a hand to a family whose life seemed to come to a total halt after the death of their breadwinner.” He took a deep sip out of the bottle.
“You know the family?” I asked.
“The father was working in my sugar refinery factory. He committed suicide the day before yesterday because of his heavy unpaid loans that he couldn’t pay with the creditors always on his tail.” He sighed. “I had to ease the burden on the shoulders of his wife and youngsters.” He took a big sip again. I felt for a second that he would be emptying the bottle with two more sips of the same size.
“He committed suicide?”
“People make decisions sometimes out of mental weakness, but it is still a decision they make, and it is their own decision.”
“And you helped the family! What are you, a Santa Claus?” It was very hard to digest what he was saying.
MEMORIES from the EAST Page 18