by Chant, Zoe
I got suspicious. I got myself a scale and the next bust I did, I weighed the drugs myself before I turned them in. When I checked the file later, sure enough, the weight recorded was lower. Someone was falsifying how much had been turned in so they could skim off some of the drugs themselves, but nothing would seem to be missing from the evidence room. Like, ten pounds of coke was recorded as confiscated, and ten pounds of coke was in the lockup. Only it had really been thirteen pounds confiscated.
I was furious, and I didn’t know who I could trust. So I did my own investigation, and it was so much bigger than I’d realized. It was a whole ring of corrupt cops in my division. Including my own watch commander. I’d really respected him, too.
I was young and stupid then. I should’ve said nothing, and gone straight to Internal Affairs. Instead, I went into his office and told him what I knew. I said he should talk to everyone involved, and have them all come clean on their own. I said I understood how they could’ve been tempted, but it was wrong and they needed to do the honorable thing and come forward voluntarily, or I’d do it for them.
Man, he was a smooth customer. He listened to me and said everything I wanted to hear. He said they had families they needed to provide for and they’d just gotten so tempted and then it had taken on a life of its own, but a lot of them had been feeling guilty for a while and if he was honest, he was glad I’d found out. He said to give him some time talk to everyone, so they could make arrangements to keep their families safe and provided for once it all came out.
It was complete bullshit. They were greedy and didn’t care who they hurt. Their money wasn’t going to their kid’s college fund, it was going for sports cars and shit like that. And they spent the time I gave them covering their tracks and figuring out what to do with me.
The watch commander walked me to my car. Said he wanted to talk. I went, and he leaned on the car and told me he’d planted drugs in it, and it had all been documented already. He said if I talked, he’d turn me in. Or I could resign and he’d document a fake on-the-job injury for me so I could get my pension and provide for my family.
I was completely blindsided. I realized that no one was going to believe my wild story against his photo proof and however many cops he’d get to vouch for him and against me. And I couldn’t risk going to prison and letting Lina grow up without a father.
I grew up about ten years in the next ten seconds. I realized that the only reason he was threatening me instead of killing me was that he didn’t want the sort of investigation that would happen if a cop turned up dead. And I also realized that if I threatened him enough, he’d do it anyway. So I told him I’d keep my mouth shut, and I’d resign for personal reasons. I said I was thinking of joining the Marines and I didn’t want an injury on my record.
Then I went home and told Mom what had happened—Dad had died by then—and I said we had to move across the country. She was pretty upset, but she said I’d done the right thing, and she understood why we had to go. So we packed up and left. We didn’t tell Lina because she was too young to understand, let alone keep it a secret. I’ll tell her someday. Maybe when she’s in college.
Here’s what I’ve never told anyone. When I’d investigated the drug ring, I found the warehouse where they were keeping the drugs they stole. Once Mom and Lina were safe on the other side of the country, I went back to LA to pick up the rest of our stuff. I also picked up some plastic explosive and blew up that warehouse. And then I used a burner cell phone to call the papers and tell them it was full of drugs and had been used by crooked cops. I pretended I was a drug dealer who’d figured it out and was mad as hell.
Like I said, I was young and stupid. I was just betting that those cops either wouldn’t realize it was me, or would have their hands way too full with their own problems to try to figure out where I went and come after me. They didn’t, but it wasn’t a smart risk to take. I was just so furious over the whole thing, I couldn’t stand the thought of doing nothing.
It worked out, though. The whole thing got blown wide open—so to speak—and they all went to prison. But while all that was going on, there we were, in a new state with no jobs. I thought back about what I’d said to my watch commander about joining the Marines. It was an excuse—I didn’t want to take his dirty money, and I didn’t want to make him suspicious if I said so. But my own dad had been a Marine, and I’d thought of it, which was why it came to mind. And now that I’d trashed my career as a cop, I thought of it again. I wasn’t crazy about being gone all the time, but I could provide for my family and I never wanted to get involved in any kind of criminal conspiracy again.
So what did I get mixed up in? A military criminal conspiracy!
I was on a fire team in Afghanistan with Merlin and Ransom and another guy, Ethan. He’s with west coast Protection, Inc. now. It was a new team and I didn’t know them very well. We were on patrol at the ass end of nowhere when I got stung by a bee—I thought. Ransom yelled, “Ambush!” And I passed out. That “bee” had been a tranquilizer dart.
I woke up in a chair like you get in a doctor’s office. In fact the whole room looked kind of like that. It was painted white and there were instruments in trays, and this guy was leaning over me. For a second I thought I was in a military hospital and he was a doctor.
Then I realized that I was handcuffed to the chair. And the guy stepped back, and I could see that he was wearing a white coat like a doctor’s, but it was covered with these weird black symbols. Then I didn’t know what to think. It didn’t seem like a prisoner of war setup, but it sure as hell wasn’t an American military base.
I said, “Where am I? Who are you?”
He said, “You may call me Gorlois. I’m here to offer you an opportunity beyond your wildest dreams.”
“Why don’t you uncuff me, and then we’ll talk,” I said.
I wasn’t expecting him to do it, and he didn’t. In fact he didn’t even respond to it at all. He said, “I’m looking for a man with special talents. A fighting man, the best of the best. Valdez, you are the man—”
I interrupted him. “Where’s the other guys on my team?”
Gorlois obviously didn’t like being interrupted. He glared at me, then went on with his canned speech. “A new world is waiting to be born. You can be a part of that new world, with strength and powers that you never—”
I interrupted him again. “Fuck that shit. Where’s my buddies?”
He got all huffy. Said I’d better address him with respect.
I thought he was stalling me because they were dead. I thought this fucking asshole had killed them and taken me prisoner, and he had the nerve to be lecturing me about my manners. And then I thought about my watch commander, and how I’d respected him and he’d probably been laughing at me the whole time for actually believing in things like honor and honesty and the law. I thought about me, what I’d done blowing up that warehouse and risking my family to get revenge.
I was so angry, I literally saw red. His lips were moving, but I couldn’t hear a word he was saying. It was drowned out by this sound rising up inside of me, like a roar.
I only remember fragments of what happened after that. I saw bits of metal and chain exploding off a huge shaggy paw—my paw. I knew where my teammates were, because I could smell them. But I could smell other people, too. Enemies. And I wanted to kill them. I wanted to kill them all, and smash the building. I wanted to destroy everything that got in my way.
I remember breaking things. I remember people screaming. At one point I charged through a sort of hospital room and saw a man handcuffed to a bed.
All of a sudden, I was a man again, standing in the doorway of a storage room. Ethan was there. He put his hand on my shoulder, and it felt like he’d stabbed me. I jerked away, and then I saw that Merlin was there too, and Ransom—he looked really fucked up—and a woman I didn’t recognize. That was Destiny, from Protection, Inc. Ethan had gotten away from the ambush, and he and Destiny had come to rescue us.
&n
bsp; We went to get the prisoner I’d seen—that was Roland—but we got attacked while we were trying to set him free. That was the first time my cave bear spoke to me. He said, Kill them. Kill them all.
I was supposed to be guarding a door. But this fury just rose up in me. I heard that roar again…
The next thing I knew, I was somewhere else in the base. All the guys were standing around me. I was kneeling next to a dead saber tooth tiger. I was bleeding. I guess it had attacked me, and I’d killed it. I didn’t remember anything.
Roland tried to shake my hand, and it hurt so bad I thought I’d smashed every bone in it. But as soon as he let go, it seemed fine.
I didn’t have much time to think about that, or about why it had hurt when Ethan touched me. We got attacked by monsters and shifters and finally Lamorat. He was dressed the same as Gorlois, so I guess Gorlois was a wizard-scientist too. No idea what they planned to do with us. It didn’t get that far.
I don’t know what happened to Gorlois. Maybe I killed him when I shifted that first time, maybe he got away. But Lamorat got killed in the final battle, and we blew up the base.
I thought it was all over then. But it wasn’t. Every time I touch a person, it hurts worse than anything’s ever hurt in my entire life. Even when I try to hug my own daughter. I just want her to have a normal, happy, safe life. But whatever they did to me fucked me up somehow. She can tell something’s wrong, but I can’t explain what it is, because I can’t tell her about any of this shit. It’s creating this distance between us that keeps getting wider and wider. It’s tearing me up inside.
Everything I did, I did for my family. And everything I did screwed things up for them.
And now I can’t even touch anyone.
Except you.
Chapter 20
There were points in Pete’s story when Tirzah really wished she had his power, because he sure looked like he could use some comfort. But since she didn’t, she offered him what she did have, which was her attention and her touch. He’d held her hand, so the moment he started audibly struggling to talk, she took his. He gripped it like it was a lifeline. When it grew damp with sweat, she put her arm around his shoulders. Soon they were in a side-by-side embrace. His short hair was velvety against her cheek. She breathed in his scent of clean sweat and woodsiness and, beneath them, a faint iron tang of blood.
The last thing he said astonished her. “Me? You can touch me? But not anyone else?”
“Yeah.”
“Why just me?”
Pete shrugged.
“Man, Pete,” Tirzah said. “That sounds awful. All of it. Though I have to say, I approve of the whistle-blowing and drug exploding. No wonder you weren’t shocked by Override!”
“No, I get it. You did your whistle-blowing in a much smarter way than I did, though.”
“You just let me know the next time you want some powerful bad guy to go under. Give me their info, and I’ll take care of it for you.”
He chuckled.
“I’m serious,” Tirzah said, poking him in the ribs. “You’ve got a semi-famous, very successful hacker in bed—” Realizing what that sounded like, she broke off with a cough that sounded even faker than him trying to convince his mom he was about to throw up. “Uh, with you.” Even worse! “I mean, on your side.”
“Thanks. You let me know the next time you want something blown up.”
“Or clawed up!” The moment she said it, she wished she’d bitten her tongue. He was much too wary of the cave bear to think that was funny.
Sure enough, he muttered, “Not a good idea.”
He’d assumed she was having nightmares about seeing him as a bear, she remembered. Knowing that, plus what he’d just told her, plus having actually seen the bear made a whole lot of things click into place.
“Why are you so scared of what you might do as a bear?” she asked. “I was there when you were the bear—”
“And it scared you half to death!”
“What? What are you talking about?”
Pete sat up straight, pulling out of the embrace. “I don’t remember much of that fight. But here’s the part I do remember: you recoiling from it—me—looking terrified.”
“Whoa, whoa!” Tirzah held up her hand. “Pete, I got trapped inside a magical rock bubble, then it was smashed to bits right over my head, and then I suddenly had a cave bear in my face. I was momentarily alarmed.”
He looked vastly unconvinced.
“Do you remember what I did when I suddenly had a velociraptor in my face?” she asked. “Well?”
“You screamed,” he admitted.
“And recoiled in terror.”
“Yeah, but—”
“No but. I was exactly as terrified of Merlin as I was of you. Which was for about five seconds, before I processed who the scary-looking critter actually was.”
“Critter?” Pete repeated with wounded dignity.
“Oh, right,” Tirzah said, nodding. “You prefer ‘beast.’ Sounds more macho. Well, let me tell you, as far as I’m concerned it’s a big old fluffy… cuddly… critter. And I know, because I cuddled it.”
Pete looked so torn between dismay and relief that Tirzah had to bite her tongue to not laugh. “I don’t remember that… Wait. My bear just said he remembers.”
“And?”
“He says he’d never hurt you.” But he didn’t sound as satisfied as that should have warranted.
“Pete, you told me the bear is you. Would you ever hurt me?”
He looked straight into her eyes, and she knew he was telling the absolute truth when he said, “I’d die first.”
“Then why are so afraid of what your bear might do?”
He spoke so quietly that she had to lean in to hear him. “Because he’s me. When I was a boy, I got in fights a couple times. Someone tried to bully me, or I saw someone getting bullied. I remember stepping in, and that’s all I remember until someone was pulling me off and the bully was on the ground bleeding. When I was fifteen, I got kicked out of school for breaking someone’s arm. I don’t remember doing it. I just remember seeing him threatening another boy with a switchblade.”
“He should’ve gotten expelled, not you!” Tirzah said indignantly.
“He claimed it was mine. My parents believed me, but…” Pete gave a little wave of his hand, brushing off the injustice that made Tirzah burn with anger for the sake of the boy he’d been. “I didn’t grow out of that sort of thing, either. I got mad at the crooked cops in my department, and I blew up a building!”
“You ever hurt anyone who wasn’t trying to hurt you or someone else?”
“No! But…” He shook his head, slowly, reminding her of the bear. “You don’t understand what it’s like to have that kind of rage inside you.”
“Oh, don’t I? Why do you think Override exists?”
“Because you’re a good person. You believe in justice, and you make it happen.”
“Because I’m an angry person,” Tirzah corrected him. “I used to read the news and seethe all day. It was burning me up inside. And then I decided to do something about it. Oh, sure, I don’t have rage blackouts. When I get mad, I don’t break anyone’s arm. I sit down and figure out how to destroy their company. Put them in jail. Ruin their life.”
“That’s different.”
“Not as much as you think. Are you worried that I might broadcast your home address on the internet?”
“Of course not.”
Tirzah put her hand on his shoulder. He was so tense that he was trembling, like a stretched wire. “Right. Because I don’t want to. You don’t want to hurt anyone except in self-defense or to protect someone else. And you won’t. Because you don’t want to. Even if you don’t remember afterward, you’re always you.”
She felt him slowly relax under her hand. He swallowed, then said, “Okay.”
The darkness outside the windows was lightening into gray. They’d talked away the night, or at least as much as was left of it once he’d woken
her up. “Want to go back to sleep? Or shall I bring you some coffee?”
Pete got out of bed. He was moving a little stiffly, but he was steady on his feet. “I’ll bring you coffee. Or maybe we should both get up, to avoid awkward explanations. Mom’s an early riser.”
“Good idea.”
They traded off using Pete’s bathroom to shower, get dressed, and pet their kittens. When they convened in the kitchen, he made coffee while she quietly recounted the conversation she’d had with Caro.
He looked like he’d been stabbed in the heart. “I don’t know what to say to her. I can’t explain what’s going on.”
“Sure, you can’t explain the details. So tell her that, and then talk to her about everything else.” Teasingly, she said. “You know. Feelings.”
“Right.” Pete poured her out a mug of coffee. “I’m glad you talked to her. I think it’s good for her to have a woman to talk to who’s not her grandma.”
“She can talk to me any time,” Tirzah promised. “I’m like the aunt for all the kids in my building.”
“Speaking of that…” Pete began, then broke off when his mother came into the kitchen, followed by a yawning Caro.
They both exclaimed over how much better he looked, then hustled him and Tirzah to the table so he could sit down and they could make breakfast. Tirzah saw, her heart aching, how both his mother and daughter took care not to touch him. They might not understand exactly what was going on, but they’d sure figured out that something was.
Soon they were sitting down to pancakes plus a bowl of soup that Lola insisted Pete have as a sort of curative side dish.
Caro tapped her spoon on the table. “I have an important announcement! Tirzah, Dad and Abuelita and I planned a cook-off a while back. I wasn’t sure it was going to happen because first Dad was gone and then he was sick, but he’s obviously fine now. So let’s do it next week!”
Pete was about to ask why they needed to wait a week, then remembered the call he’d gotten from Mom a couple days ago. Her sister in Phoenix had broken her foot, and her husband was on a business trip he couldn’t cut short. So Mom had arranged to have her friend Nancy take in Caro while she flew to Phoenix to help her sister. If Pete recalled correctly, her flight was in a couple hours.