by Beth Shriver
Rudy drove to campus, got out, and let Essie get into the driver’s seat. He leaned into the window of the car and looked directly at Essie. “No speeding or tailgating. Go straight to the library and come back here. Got it?”
Essie bent the rearview mirror and applied some more makeup to her already pretty face. Annie wondered why she bothered coloring herself. “Got it.” She snapped the lid on her makeup case and reached for the wheel.
“Keep your cell phone on,” Rudy yelled as she pulled away.
As soon as they were out of sight, Essie pushed on the gas pedal. Annie hadn’t felt unsafe in a car until that moment. She grasped the armrest as the speed pushed her back into the seat.
She thought about telling Essie to slow down but knew it would probably only make her go faster. When she looked over at her, a thought flashed through her mind. Maybe Essie had no intention of helping her; maybe this was all about gaining her freedom.
Annie sensed danger, but no one was around to protect her. She closed her eyes and prayed for strength.
The swing weighed heavy around the thick tree limb, creaking with each sway forward. Annie pumped her feet to go faster, even though the power was coming from her dawdi’s strong arm. With each gentle push he said a letter of the alphabet in English, and she would say it in Deitsch.
“A.” His gruff tone scratched out the letter.
“Ah.” Annie’s tiny voice answered.
“Say ‘B.’”
Annie swung her bare feet out in excitement. “Vee.”
“Gut. Now say ‘C.’” Annie paused, trying to remember the pronunciation. Her feet stilled. Suddenly she remembered and pulled on the coarse rope, lifting herself up slightly in the swing as she blurted out the word. “Tsay,” she squealed, just as her dawdi pulled the wooden seat, causing her to fall onto the pebbled dirt.
She landed on her hands and knees. Her cry brought Dawdi quickly to her side. He lifted her to his chest, shushing her, and stroked her head. “Shhh.” His warm breath enveloped her neck, wrapping around her heart, as the blood ran from her bruised knees and palms.
“Essie! Stop the car.” The words flew out before Annie knew she was saying them.
Essie startled at her demand and slowed down. “What’s your problem?”
“I’m not used to cars, Essie, especially fast ones.” Annie told herself to breathe.
“This engine has a few more horses in it than you’re used to.” Essie crossed her arms to let Annie know she was inconvenienced by the wait.
“I do miss Otto.”
“Otto? What kind of name is that?” Essie cringed.
“It’s short for automobile.”
Essie actually laughed and gazed out the window, maybe to keep Annie from seeing her reaction. “You ready now?”
Annie really didn’t want to go anywhere with Essie, for a number of reasons. “Is there a library at the college?”
Essie snorted. “Of course there’s a library.”
Annie stared at her to get her to understand the question more specifically. “One that I could go to?”
Essie looked her up and down. “Dressed in those normal clothes, you could.” Essie smiled at Annie for the first time since she’d been there. “Great idea.”
Essie turned the car around and headed back to the campus. Annie closed her eyes and counted to ten. When she opened them, they were back where Essie dropped off Rudy. “Here ya go.”
She couldn’t get rid of her fast enough. Annie was obviously cramping her style. Tired of Essie’s antics, Annie didn’t say a word; she just shut the door and set off to the find the library.
After asking a couple of students, she finally found her way to the building she was looking for. The library was overwhelmingly large, with cement pillars in front. She watched as people walked in and out repeatedly. Then she took in a breath and marched forward through the revolving door and stopped when she got inside.
Rudy had given her a card to use if she needed. As she dug around to find it she came across the slip of paper Delores, the woman she’d met on the bus, had given her. She was tempted to call but didn’t want to bother her. But Annie seemed to know she would find comfort from the older woman, much like she would from her grandparents.
As she approached the phone on the wall, she hesitated when she read what coins she needed to make a call and then shoved her hand in her bag again and pulled out some quarters. Slipping them into the slot created a buzz in the phone. That meant it was working; she knew that much. After she punched in the numbers a child answered the phone.
She asked for Delores and let out a sigh when Delores responded with delight.
“How are things going, dear?”
Her gravelly voice was a welcome sound, but at that moment Annie didn’t even know why she’d called; she just wanted to hear her voice.
“Slow, but I suppose that’s to be expected. How are you and your grandchildren?” Talk of family felt good and familiar to her.
“Everyone’s well except for Michael. He’s the middle one, and well, you know how those children are that are in-between. Seems to always need attention.” Delores laughed. “How is the family you’re staying with?”
Annie tried to find the right words. “It’s been difficult. The parents are fine, but their daughter doesn’t seem to want me here.”
“Well, she’ll come around, or she won’t, but don’t let her ruin your visit. Where are you now?” She was so enthusiastic, Annie wished she could be with her now, getting encouragement.
“I’m at the library here at the college.” She looked around and watched as some students operated a machine resembling what Rudy had described as a microfiche. “I’m researching for something that I can’t find. So, I don’t know if it’s beneficial to be here.” Annie heard herself and realized she was being negative. Just to be doing something was better than sitting and waiting. “It’s such a big town.”
Delores laughed. “It’s actually a small town, honey. You keep the faith, Annie. You never know what you may find.” As Annie continued to listen to Delores, she realized she was trying hard to cheer her. It must be obvious in Annie’s voice that she was discouraged.
A strange voice came on the phone telling her to deposit more coins. Annie dug into her bag to find more change. “I think it might be more the place I’m staying than the reason I’m here. I’m glad you helped me see that.” Annie didn’t want to lose the connection. Delores seemed to be the only person she could talk with that understood.
The phone made a beeping noise and then went dead.
Annie heaved a sigh. “Danke, Delores.”
Chapter Sixteen
AT HANNA’S REQUEST John walked up to the Beiler barn to help her get ready for the annual two-day quilting party. His stomach churned with each step, his reservations growing. The quilts were to be made for upcoming weddings in the Shenandoah communities. It was the biggest event of its kind among the Amish, and more than three hundred postcards had been sent out.
He’d helped out a dozen times before, but this was the first time that Hanna had pointedly asked for him to be there.
In the past all the activities he’d helped the Beliers with were because of Annie. Now they continued because of Hanna.
He had to admit he appreciated being with the family he knew so well. He’d come to accept the attention Hanna gave him too, but nothing could fill the void Annie had left—no one other than Annie herself. He stopped a few feet short of the barn, feeling the hustle and bustle of energy. The family was performing their tasks, just as they’d always done, but without one person, and he wondered whether they felt the same emptiness he did.
“Are you just going to stand there?” Hanna stood in front of the barn door with her hands on her hips, a stance that was becoming more common.
He pressed his heavy boot into the brown grass and felt her hand touch his elbow to guide him. “I would have come earlier, but I needed to do some extra chores so Mary and the boys could get read
y.”
“There’s still plenty to do with us hosting this year.” Hanna beamed as if she were hostess and he, her escort.
“John, want to help me with these quilting frames?” Eli walked ahead of him to half a dozen frames, and they began to place them throughout the barn.
The huge building had been emptied of horses, buggies, and tack to create one big open room. The dirt floor had been raked through and evened out to create a level, solid flooring for the ladies to walk on and set their chairs on. Tables had been set up for refreshments and sewing materials.
John grabbed a frame and followed behind Eli to spread them evenly through the area. Hanna watched for a moment and then huffed out a breath before turning on her heel and leaving.
John steadied a frame on the dirt floor. “How many are coming?”
“Mamm said over a hundred Nebraska Amish will be arriving on a bus today, and another hundred and fifty throughout the weekend from around here.” Eli kicked a clod of dirt before setting down another frame. “That’s not including all the kids.”
Sarah brought the boxes of thread from the house and laid them on a table. “This, combined with what the others are bringing, will add up to fifty-five hundred yards of thread.” She lifted the box on the top to reveal the quilt tray. “And two hundred and twenty trays.” She put her hands on her hips again and admired the colorful thread and patches of quilt.
Frieda squealed with excitement as she touched the spools of thread. Her brown hair and eyes resembled Annie’s when she was younger and brought back memories of Annie.
Right at that moment Hanna pulled him away to help her with more chairs.
As they made their way through the house, Hanna stopped and turned, looking him in the eyes. Her strong gaze fell on him, with a smothering affect. “John Yoder…”
He let out the breath he was holding and prepared himself for what was to come. By the way she was staring at him, he expected a confession or a question he didn’t want to answer.
The blue of her eyes sparkled into what looked like silver around the edge of her pupils, radiant and alluring.
“I was wondering if you could take me to worship on Sunday.”
When he didn’t reply, she continued. “We’ll have women here from out of town, and Mamm will need to take them.”
John knew their neighbors, the Zooks, were hosting the worship that Sunday and were within walking distance, but he didn’t know how to say no. “Jah, and your brothers and Frieda too?”
Hanna stepped back. “I don’t think they’ll need a ride.”
John tilted his head. “To make more room?” He squinted, watching her put her hands behind her back and slightly sway from side to side. “It’d be nice if it were just the two of us.” She bumped into Amos as he came around the corner and stopped.
“Do you two have a reason for being in here?” His voice was steady and direct.
Hanna quickly moved to the other room to grab a chair. “Gathering chairs, Daed.”
He stared at John, studying him, and then turned and left. John touched Hanna’s arm as she brushed by. “I don’t think Amos wants us together, Hanna.”
She set down the chair only for a moment then picked it up again. “He just doesn’t want us to be alone.” She smiled big and wide, as if she’d just told a secret.
John watched her leave as he collected his thoughts. Amos came back through, a chair in each hand, and stopped in front of John. “Glad you still come around to help, John. But you don’t need to since things have changed.” With that, Amos left as quickly as he had come.
John thought he understood his meaning but wondered whether he had read more into their words than he needed to. His mind was tangled with thoughts of Annie. He ran a hand over his face and collected himself before entering the barn again.
Groups of women poured in carrying baskets full of needles and thimbles. Some had swatches to sew into a specially made quilt for a bride or newborn babe. They each took a seat around a frame and got adjusted for a full day of sewing, eating, and fellowship.
As he walked past a group of women from his own community, he heard some of their conversation.
“Annie left…”
“Did you hear…”
“Poor Sarah…”
He stopped to quiet their tongues and said hallo. An older woman with salt-and-pepper hair gave him an empathetic gaze.
“How are you holding up, John?”
“I’m doing well, Mrs. Smithson.” He leaned into the circle.
“I’m so sorry, John.” Another patted his hand.
“Ladies, everything’s just fine, really.” He stood tall, and they all stilled for a moment. “Enjoy your quilting.” As he walked away, he heard hushed tones but didn’t want to try and decipher what was being said. He noticed more heads turning his way as he left the room but held his head high and kept walking.
John decided this was a good time to get some air and took a wagon to fetch more chairs from his home. When he got back the barn was full of women side by side chattering and stitching. When he passed by the group Hanna was with, she caught his arm.
“Ladies, this is John Yoder.” She beamed at him and then turned to see the ladies’ reactions.
They all fussed over him as he nodded to them. “Hallo, ladies.”
“What a bright smile.”
“How polite.”
“Why, you’re about my daughter’s age.”
Hanna stiffened and took his hand. “He’s spoken for.”
John pulled his hand away and gave Hanna a quizzical look. He hoped she meant Annie. “Nice to meet you, ladies.”
He walked as fast as he could through the mass of women, only to be stopped again by Eli. “I got the last of the chairs, but that still might not be enough.” They glanced over the many bodies taking up every inch of space in the building. “Have you ever seen so many women?” Eli gawked.
“Nee, can’t say that I have.” As John searched the room, his eyes met with one woman in particular. Her clothes were fitted, unlike the clothes of their order, which showed no shape underneath their black dresses. The material looked slick and shiny, and her shoes were black with thick heels. She stood and walked over to a table and poured a cup of coffee. She had a different style and carried herself in a way he’d seen from the English, not the humility of his world.
Eli leaned toward John. “Her daed is a rich farmer.”
Slightly embarrassed by his interest in the young woman, John motioned to Eli. “Let’s get more chairs from the wagon. I need to get some chores done.” As he walked by the young lady, she lifted her eyes to his and smiled. His heart jumped for the first time since he’d told Annie good-bye.
Chapter Seventeen
ANOTHER MONTH CREPT slowly by as Annie awaited her answers. She grew impatient, though she had to admit that the weeks of waiting had forced her into a quiet bonding with the Glicks. Adjusting to life with them hadn’t been easy, thanks to Essie’s hostility. She was also still unsure of which conveniences to indulge in. And the way people depended on themselves and not the help of others made her feel even more alone.
Scattered thoughts ran through her mind. What will happen if I find my mother? Will I know myself any better? Will it have been worth the price I’ve paid? And what was happening with Rudy? He was very helpful, which she appreciated, but maybe too much. The closer she became to Rudy, the more she missed John. Was it out of guilt, or was there was something more?
He consoled her when they reached their first dead end and encouraged her to try other avenues. Each time they heard the same answer: access denied.
Essie spent most of her time watching TV, Elizabeth and Levi worked, and Annie read. When Rudy was home from school, he helped Annie search on the computer or took her to various institutions that had potentially useful information.
Rudy insisted on taking her to the adoption search agency to start an investigation. Although Annie wasn’t comfortable with the financial situation, s
he was grateful they were doing everything they could. When they received another negative response, Annie showed the first signs of giving up, but Rudy kept on and found another registry to do a search.
When they entered the building that first day, Annie tried to keep her spirits up, more for Rudy’s sake than her own. After all, he’d been the one to arrange the meeting. They were ushered into an office just off the hallway.
The name plate on the woman’s desk announced that she was Mrs. Jean Cook. She stood as they entered her office, didn’t offer to shake hands, and then sat again, quickly and businesslike. She nodded to two chairs across from her desk, where Annie and Rudy sat. On the wall behind her hung a fancy arrangement of framed papers that claimed she had experience and a license for her profession.
As Mrs. Cook settled into her own chair, she flipped through a file on her desk and then gave Annie the once-over. “I’ll be honest. We don’t usually deal with people from your community, Ms. Beiler.”
Rudy leaned forward in his chair. “That sounds biased.”
“I don’t mean it that way. They have a different culture, very few records to give us any leads. They don’t pay many taxes or have medical insurance.” She spoke as if Annie were not in the room.
“I’d never even considered her being someone from our own community.” It was unfathomable to Annie, but then, all of this was.
Mrs. Cook continued. “And as far as a mother outside the community, unless she went to a hospital after, or an ob-gyn, there would be no record of her either. The chances of her registering so she could be found by Annie are slim since she abandoned her.”
Rudy closed his eyes in frustration. “We know all of that, but sometimes the unexpected does happen. That’s what we’re hoping for.”
Annie was touched by his determination, but she was also aware that Mrs. Cook had barely acknowledged her. It was also beginning to sound like her quest was a losing battle. She leaned forward and looked directly at the thin woman. “So are you saying there’s nothing you can do?”